(Song for this Scene Julia Michaels – Worst in Me & Sam Tinnesz – Hold on for your life)
Veronica didn't know why she was so anxious, just because they'd had an incredible night of sex that she couldn't remember didn't mean that he suddenly had some kind of power over her. His claim that they had been dating had taken her by surprise that morning, that and the nightmare of waking up again looking for her underwear with memories missing. She wasn't even sure what this little chat was going to be about. She just knew they had to talk this out.
Logan wasn't sure why he was putting himself through this as he left study hall to go to the library… he was desperate for answers, but he already knew all he needed to know. The look in her eyes on Saturday morning had shown no love there… she'd been like a trapped deer, she couldn't have gotten away from him quick enough.
She still wanted Duncan.
Had always wanted Duncan… he'd always known it, but instead he had preferred to indulge himself in the gratifying possibility that she had secretly wanted him too. He'd always imagined that she would taste like heaven, now he knew.
One night with her would never be enough.
Veronica was sitting focused on her AP English textbook in the small alcove at the back of the library when he found her. This was torture, she was right here; he could see her, touch her… only she no longer looked at him like he was someone worth seeing. He felt a rupture deep inside him from where she should be.
Okay Logan… go and talk to her, staring at her like this is just being weird…
She felt his presence almost like a physical touch, sensing his gaze on her, she visibly stiffened a little, taking out her headphones and brushing her skirt, she took a deep breath and walked towards him. A tingling awareness flowed through her as she ran her gaze over his tall and muscular athletic physique, it was like he went on forever. Heat crept into her cheeks. The sheer brawn of him, riveting and utterly unavoidable was the realization that Logan Echolls was a spectacularly beautiful product of nature. They had been intimately familiar with each other, he'd been deep inside her, and she could still remember the morning after the feel of him, the strength in those arms when they'd held her. She had to tell him… she had to explain, she owed him that much. She didn't want to be responsible for leaving him wondering with no explanation to the unanswered questions, no matter how awkward they were… she didn't want to cause him pain the way Duncan had hurt her… gone with no reason why.
"Gotta say, I was surprised to hear from you, I was starting to think you'd forgotten I existed" he quipped and watched as she bit her lip guiltily.
"Sorry, it's been a lot…" Veronica apologised, she'd hoped he would be a little less hurt looking, the Logan she remembered was much quicker to go on the defensive-or even on the attack-than look for ways to compromise and cooperate, this new lovesick Logan was something she hadn't been prepared for. "I needed time to process"
"Yeah, I know" Logan sighed "I was worried"
You could have at least texted… you never called me back… you would have if I'd been Duncan..
"Well, I'm sure you can excuse me as you are aware, you giving a shit is a pretty new development for me" she reasoned. "I mean… for me.. a few weeks ago you were smashing the headlights in on my car"
She really doesn't remember…
"Lately we've gotten… closer." he replied as he put his hands in his pockets to stifle the urge to pull her to him. It was strange, after their recent time together that he felt that he needed to physically restrain himself from touching her. He studied the emotions cascading through her beautiful blue eyes as she allowed that knowledge to sink in.
A lot closer…
"Yeah, I realize that and I'm sorry… I just… didn't know how to talk to you" Veronica admitted, keeping a careful distance from him.
They had been naked together… had this entire romance that she knew nothing about… how could she deal with that?
"You could've started with hello?" he uttered as his brown eyes bore into hers. "Look this is hard for me too…" he confessed stepping forwards. He just wanted to put his arms around her but she hadn't moved any closer since he had entered the room. "I'm in love with you Veronica…"
"Yeah, I was afraid you were going to say something like that" she swallowed, her blue eyes broke away from his. They were both hard wired to fight, to be argumentative by nature, but Veronica hoped that if she chose her words carefully she could maybe avoid it.
Afraid? God please don't shut me out again…
"Do they even know what happened?" he asked his voice was thick with emotion.
Why is this happening to us?
"The Doctors have a pretty good idea…" she told him cautiously. How was she supposed to explain to him that their night together had erased the girl he loved?
"And?" he prompted, his brown eyes were searching her face as he leaned back and sat on the edge of the table a few feet from her. Inching closer…
"It's like my brain has reset itself to before the seizure… so all that time in between is… lost" she explained.
It was just what he had been afraid of… please let this be temporary…
"Do they know why?" he asked.
"Yeah, and you aren't going to like it" she said biting her lip.
Logan swallowed hard as the dread knotted in his stomach, and looked at her as she wrapped her arms around herself. Why wouldn't she look at him?
Why was he suddenly very sure he was going to regret asking this?
"I'm not?" he commented.
"It was That Night when we… it altered the brain chemistry and it uninstalled the switch back to factory settings" she blushed as she wished the ground would open up and swallow her. "And POOF!"
Bon voyage?
"You mean… we did this?" he croaked.
No… No… No…. the night he'd made love to her had cost him the girl he loved? He had done this?
"Yes" she confirmed as she watched him bury his hands in his hair.
"Is it permanent? Will those memories come back?" he asked as he stood up to face her.
If he had known, he never would have taken her to bed, never would have gotten hooked on making love to her.
"I don't know… nobody sure" Veronica told him. Why couldn't he just go and find some other girl who wasn't going to hurt him? She thought helplessly.
"You kept a journal… wouldn't that help?" he suggested. He was grasping at straws now and he knew it.
You have to remember something…
"I've read it… a few times now… I'm sorry Logan…" she said as his eyes welled up with tears. "I get now that, Homecoming was something that happened when I was in a certain frame of mind… but I'm not who I was… I don't.. recall those feelings. I wish I could… maybe if I knew more about… about our reconciliation I could bridge that gap? It still doesn't make sense to me."
How could I have forgiven you for throwing me away like that… for hurting me like you did over the past year? How much do you know about my investigation into Lilly's murder?
"Everything was so good between us.." he breathed desperately. "What do you need right now?" What can I do? How can I help fix this?
"Space?" Veronica suggested. "More information?"
"Please Veronica… don't shut me out… "Logan pleaded. "You said… that you missed me… even from before… I'm your boyfriend… we don't have to go back to the way things were…"
You can find your way back to me… Don't let us end this way… I can't go back to that…
"I don't want that either" she admitted. "I'm just trying to be honest… I do care about you Logan… Just not.."
Not like that… but you did before… it had been real… Don't leave me… try to come back… I need you…
"Then why can't we try?" Logan asked. "Spend time with me… I'm going crazy not seeing you… maybe it will trigger something?" his voice was rough. He was so close to her he could almost cup her face, the warmth of him was radiating against her skin. She'd never seen this side of him before… it was overwhelming and the look in his eyes was intense. Desperate. Could it be that easy? Spend some more time with him and maybe it would all come back? Is that what she wanted?
"I still don't know how I could forgive you Logan… none of this feels real… I'm still waiting for someone to tell me that I'm just delirious and this is all some cruel prank… I mean you hated me… we were friends and I needed you… and you just shut me out and left me alone! You hurt me… How could you do that?" Veronica sobbed. The Logan she knew was narcissistic and mean… who was this person?
"I'm here… come back to me…" he told her as he cupped her face and kissed her passionately.
Please come back… love me… don't be gone…
"It doesn't work that way" she said gasping as she broke away from his mouth and stepping backwards, her mind reeling from the unexpected power of that kiss.
"I can't lose you.." he breathed. "Just tell me how to fix this… just tell me… what do you want me to do?"
Why wouldn't she just let him hold her?
"I just don't know how to forgive you" she cried.
"Forgive me?" he lamented. What was she talking about?
"You put me through Hell Logan… you blamed me for Lilly…" Veronica exclaimed in despair. How could he think that she could just ignore all of this? The graffiti on the walls… the bullying… the taunting?
"You abandoned me… I was hurting…" he sobbed. Surely they had already gotten over this? Surely that journal should have explained how much they'd missed each other? I know I was a jackass before… please forgive me…
His words ignited something in her. Exactly what had he led her to believe before so he could get her into bed with him? She should have known…
"I abandoned you? You tried to force me to choose between my father and the people tearing him down!" she snapped, her blue eyes flashing at him angrily.
No… they weren't going down this road again….
"This again? Abel Koontz killed Lilly… your dad was wrong… how many times do we have to have this same argument? You agreed with me…." He pleaded. "Surely if you just took a step back…"
If she just took a step back and analysed it with fresh eyes like last time?
"We gotta stop before we say something we regret" she warned him as she glared.
No… he couldn't stop now… she had to hear him out…
"It's too late to go back now… I thought you'd finally have come to your senses…" he begged. "If you'd just calm down… I want to talk to you about Us"
I'm borderline obsessed with you… please don't ask me to let go.. I can't…
"I'm so stupid… I should've known… thanks.. for making this easy" she scoffed as she turned from him and shoved her book into her bag. He felt something twist in his chest. "This isn't going to work.."
"Wait… It can work…" he pleaded. "Veronica… please…"
Was she saying it was over? Couldn't she see what she was doing to him? Come on baby… it's us.. you have to remember…
"Go to Hell Logan" she snapped picking up her bag and walking past him. He hadn't changed at all…
"Would you just hear me out?" he asked as he tried to catch hold of her hand.
No… No… No…. History was repeating itself… they'd had this conversation in this very library before…
"What more do you want? I was willing to hear you out, but now I've heard enough" she told him coldly and pulled her hand away from his reach. "This was a mistake." She had wanted to give him a chance… and he'd shown his true colours, again.
"A mistake? Please just give me a chance…" he choked.
"Why would I do that? I finally just got my sanity back" Veronica answered before she tucked a strand of her blond hair behind her ear. They brought out the worst in each other… how could this ever work between them?
Her Sanity?
"Are you breaking up with me? There's something between us… even if you don't quite recognise it right now in this moment that you're acting like a bitch.. I know you feel it" he told her.
He'd felt it in that kiss before she pulled away…You are Mine..
"This is who you made me when you cast me away…. there's plenty of other bimbos out there for you… just leave me alone" she muttered and left him standing there.
Logan tried to stop himself from chasing after the woman he'd just scared off with his smart mouth, he'd known better than to bring up her dad, he'd just lost all perspective, all trace of common sense when she looked at him with those sultry distrustful blue eyes.
He couldn't breathe… she was going to stop trying?
He was nothing to her…