A/N: First of all thank you Vorcha Girl, ela11, Sentrax, skywalker-hiddleston, Impslave, Jules Hawk, SerenityFalconNormandy, jediserenity82, tlcinbflo, and Kirabaros for your reviews! They made my day, and I'm oddly happy about making so many of you tear up. Special mention as always goes to Vorcha Girl for beta-reading, and for always being there for me.

I hope you this chapter! Enjoy!

Chapter 36. Here Without You

The ride to Alliance Headquarters in downtown Vancouver was blissfully uneventful. Kaidan typed up a short message to Ashley, letting her know he would be staying at the Visitor's Quarters if they had any vacancies, and if not he'd stay at a motel.

He was little surprised to see Ashley waving at him as soon as he entered the visiting quarters.

"Hey, LT! I got a six pack as soon as I got your message. Movies and beer sound good, right?" Ashley was in her usual chipper mood, at least at first impression. "I managed to get you quarters close to mine. Hope that was okay. Thought you might need a friend close by."

"Yeah, thanks Ash." Kaidan ran a hand through his hair. "Listen, I don't want to be rude, but I'd really like to be alone for a bit. I just need some time to myself."

She fell silent, casting a long hard look at him.

"Really," he insisted. "I've been surrounded by people for days now, Ash. I want to be alone for a while."

"And grieve," she said simply.

Kaidan gave her a weak smile. "Yeah."

Holding his gaze for a moment, Ashley nodded. "Okay. But if you need a shoulder, I'm just across the hall." She pulled him into a fierce hug. "And no drinking alone."

The corners of his mouth twitched. "Alright."

"Have a good night then, Kaidan."

"Good night, Ash." He waited a moment after she left and then quietly closed the door, and with a sigh Kaidan put his duffel bag on the bed and began unpacking. As soon as he had squared away his belongings he sat down on the bed and gazed out of the window.

It was snowing again.

Pulling in a sharp breath, he opened his omni'tool, his finger hovering over the file with photographs for a moment before opening it. He knew it wasn't the wisest thing to do, but the urge to see Nick again was overwhelming. He flicked slowly through the file, his expression carefully neutral even now. Finally he stumbled across one that made his heart stutter.

He couldn't help but lean closer to the image. God, she looked so beautiful. Her eyes appeared to sparkle and she had a smile playing on her lips - those soft and kissable lips - as she cast a coy glance back over her bare shoulder. It was a look reserved for him. Only for him. A look full of promise, and he hadn't been aware he had captured that look in a holo.

He clenched his jaw as he traced a finger tenderly across the image, tears stinging in his eyes. Kaidan wiped away the tears furiously and opened the next photograph only to see both of them laughing at the camera happily, leaning their heads together, her arms wrapped around his neck.

With a strangled sob Kaidan closed his 'tool.

Maybe being alone doing nothing wasn't the best idea after all; he had to do something or he would go stir crazy.

Mustering all his will he got off the bed, pulled on his training clothes, and headed to the gym.

A knock at the door caught Kaidan unawares the next day as he stepped out of the shower after being out for a run.

"One moment, please!" he called and hurridly dressed. He was fairly certain it was Ashley, so he didn't rush to answer the door. She probably thought she had to check on him. Shaking his head he opened the door - and stepped back in surprise when he found himself face to face with his father.

Kaidan's expression turned to stone.

They stared at each other silently. With a considerable amount of satisfaction Kaidan realized that his father looked uncomfortable.

"Can I come in?" Adam Alenko eventually asked, gesturing at the room.

Kaidan stepped to the side wordlessly and closed the door after his father entered.

Then he waited.

His father turned and looked at him. "Kaidan, I wanted to apologize," he began. "I had no right to say what I said last night. I'm sorry you lost … someone close to you." He stepped closer, looking unsure if he should continue speaking. "But can't you understand why I had misgivings?" The ex-Alliance major ran a hand through his hair.

"Dad, I think you're the one that doesn't understand," Kaidan said in a level voice. "Nick and I were well aware of what we were doing. We were well aware of what was happening months ago. And when we realized that we both felt the same we agreed on one thing: we'd wait until we had finished our mission, and then take things from there." He averted his eyes briefly before looking back at his father. "This wasn't just a fling, dad. Not for me, and I'm pretty sure not for her either. I lo - ." His voice faltered, and he swallowed. "I love - loved - her."

His dad remained silent for a moment. "I'm sorry, Kaidan. I didn't get to talk to her much that day at the cabin, but she seemed … nice. Let's go eat someplace and you could tell me about her. If you don't mind?"

Kaidan hesitated a moment, and nodded.

Half an hour later they sat in a pub waiting for their food. Adam Alenko looked at his son expectantly. "Now tell me about this woman that managed to get you to break frat regs."

Kaidan didn't answer right away, turning his glass in his hands. He weighed his words carefully.

"Nick … Nick is - was - fiery. She had a temper that could be called explosive, but she was also sweet and caring. She would move heaven and earth to keep her team safe." He paused, his grip tightening around the glass in front of him as his mind wandered to Alchera. "She was bad at tech. Oh god," Kaidan let out a short, mirthless laugh. "Bad doesn't even come close. But she was an excellent sniper."

"She was the Hero of the Blitz?"

"And the sole survivor of the thresher maw incident on Akuze," Kaidan added. "On Edolus we reacted to an active distress beacon and went groundside to investigate. It turned out to be a trap. The beacon was placed in the middle of a thresher nest. The moment we drove over the ledge she knew exactly what we were in for." He bit his lip. "We managed a few hits with the cannon before the maw caught us in a spray of acid. We hightailed it onto the ridge, and then Shepard ordered us to stay put, grabbed a grenade launcher and her shotgun, and jumped out of the Mako." His eyes were wide as he looked at his father. "She took out a maw on foot. Sure, it was injured, but … that's Nick for you."

Kaidan drew a deep breath. "Then we discovered that an entire platoon of Alliance marines had died because they had been lured there by the distress beacon. I was angry, and so was Ash, but Nick? Nick was furious. I swear if whoever was responsible for that had been there, she would've killed them with her bare hands." He took a swallow of his beer, and slowly set the glass back on the table.

"Nick was incredible," he continued quietly. A sad smile spread on his face. "She even loved hockey, dad."

Adam Alenko listened to him without interrupting. Kaidan felt his eyes on him as he furtively wiped away a tear. Further conversation was interrupted by the waiter bringing them their food. They ate in comparative silence, and then spent a long time talking before Kaidan returned to his quarters.

The Normandy shook under his feet as another blast hit her, sending him stumbling towards Nick. They held on to each other and he fear seized him.

"Joker's still in the helm. He won't abandon ship. And I'm not leaving either." His voice was almost defiant.

Blue eyes gazed intently at him. "Kaidan, I need you to make sure the crew gets to the fucking EVAC shuttles. I'll take care of Joker. Now, godammit!"

Her eyes narrowed as he hesitated, until all he could do was nod and follow her order. He stumbled through the ship as the vessel lurched and rolled, rallying the crew to get to the escape pods. Waiting until he was certain nobody else was coming, and finally climbing into one of the last escape pods, feeling sick to his stomach as the EVAC shuttle was lurched into space, hoping Shepard and Joker made it off in time …

Kaidan bolted upright in his bed, gasping, cold sweat covering his body. He was here without her.

There was no hope.

She was dead.

There was no hope.

His heart raced, and he struggled to calm his breathing. He pressed the palms of his hands against his eyes, swallowing the bile rising in his throat, then looked at the clock.

0520

A choked sound escaped his throat - a mixture of a sigh and a sob - and he got up knowing that sleep would come no more. He stretched and began loosening muscles before pulling on sweats and a t-shirt. He had enough time to work out before he had to meet with the Alliance psychologist.

Nearly two and a half hours later Kaidan stood in front of the door of the psychologist's office, his muscles still burning pleasantly from the intensity of his workout. Drawing a deep breath he knocked and was immediately asked to enter.

He straightened his uniform and stepped inside.

"Lieutenant-Commander Alenko, good morning. I'm Dr. Carson. Have a seat." The dark skinned woman pointed at a chair in front of her desk. "How are you?"

"I'm okay," he answered with a firm voice.

She nodded, making a short note on her datapad. "I don't know how familiar you are with procedure after an incident like this one, so I explain briefly. I will be asking you a number of questions this morning, and then we will decide how to proceed. Nothing unusual, just standard protocol. Shall we begin?" Dr. Carson paused, looking at him. He agreed, and she began the interview. "How have you been sleeping? More than usual? Less than usual? Have you had any nightmares?""

"I've been sleeping fine. No changes," he replied. There was no way he was going to tell her about waking up covered in cold sweat that morning. He decided for a grain of truth. "The first few nights were a little rough, but it's gotten better." That was a lie, but he hoped she wouldn't press the issue.

Again, the doctor nodded, and made a note before continuing her interview, grilling him with questions for nearly an hour. She gave him a list of dates for physical and mental evaluations, telling him that he would be held back at least two weeks before being sent back on active duty - if he passed all tests.

The door closed behind Kaidan after he left the office, and he let out a long breath.

These were going to be a few long weeks.

The sun shone brightly through his window as Kaidan eyed his Dress Blues. He sighed, and slowly pulled on the uniform. The weather grated on his nerves, and he felt strangely offended that today of all days was an exceptionally fine one. Clenching his jaw he turned to the mirror to adjust his uniform, the sabre at his side.

A month had passed since the destruction of the Normandy, and the Alliance was finally holding a memorial service for Shepard.

Kaidan had spent the past three weeks with a number of physical and mental evaluations, and the previous day he had finally been cleared for active duty again, but nothing had surprised him more than when his father had asked if he should accompany him to Nick's memorial a few days earlier.

He had denied.

Now he wasn't so sure if that had been the best idea.

Observing his appearance once more he stepped towards the door and opened it, coming face to face with Ashley, her hand raised, ready to knock.

"You ready?" she asked, concern lacing her voice.

"No," he admitted, "but I'll make it."

His friend nodded slowly, not taking her eyes off him. "The others are downstairs," she explained. "We thought we could all go together."

"The entire remaining crew?" Kaidan raised an eyebrow.

Another nod and a "Well, almost." answered his question, and they headed to the foyer together. Kaidan felt as though all eyes were on him as he stepped to the group. Luckily it wasn't the entire surviving crew. Garrus had come from the Citadel, and both Liara and Tali were there. No, he noticed. Not everybody was looking at him. Joker was staring at his feet.

Kaidan adjusted his path and walked towards the Alliance pilot.

"We have some time yet. Mind if we talk?" Kaidan asked, pulling up a chair.

Joker cast him an incredulous look. "You really want to talk to me? After I killed your girlfriend?" Kaidan didn't answer right away, and Joker scoffed at him. "Yeah, that's what I thought."

"You didn't kill her."

"What?" Joker's head jerked around.

Kaidan inhaled deeply. "You didn't kill her. The other ship did." He paused before going on quietly. "Or maybe it was my fault. She gave me a direct order, and I hesitated." Another deep breath. "I hesitated." He looked straight at Joker. "I won't deny that there are times when I want to blame you, but then I remember that I could be to blame as well." Kaidan's voice turned hard. "The only ones we can blame without a doubt are the ones that attacked us. Now - let's get this memorial over with."

Kaidan stood up, clasping his friend's shoulder before returning to the group, the pilot following him slowly.

A while later Kaidan and five other Alliance soldiers took up the empty coffin that was to be put to rest. Snow crunched under his boots, and the sun reflected off the icy surface of Lake Michigan, draping everything in a blinding light.

He wasn't quite sure how he was going to make it through the ceremony. Now, walking through the chilly Chicago wind across the Alliance cemetery at a measured pace, he felt his chest constrict painfully. The weight of the coffin on his shoulder bothered him; it should have been heavier. It bothered him that there wasn't even a physical body he could say goodbye to.

Somehow he made it through the ceremony, but the moment the flag was folded and he turned to present it to her next of kin it nearly hit him like a brick.

These were Nick's parents. These were his dead girlfriend's parents - and it was his duty to present them with the flag in honor of their daughter.

This was not how their first meeting should have gone.

Kaidan was grateful for protocol as he dropped to one knee, bowing his head as he held out the meticulously folded flag, rapidly blinking away his tears. He looked up when he felt the flag being lifted and looked into a face that looked like Nick's, and yet did not.

The differences between Nick and Captain Hannah Shepard registered immediately in his brain, especially their eyes. Whereas Nick's had been gunmetal blue her mother's were bright green. As his brain checked off every difference the captain must have seen some seen something in his eyes. She narrowed her eyes barely perceptibly, and Kaidan hurried up to continue protocol.

Straightening, he saluted and executed a perfect right turn, his expression carefully neutral as he returned to his post for the remaining ceremony.

He ventured a furtive glance to where Nick's parents were seated only to see Hannah Shepard leaning towards her husband, talking in a low voice, and both looking at him.

Great.

Heat crept up from his collar as he quickly turned his eyes front, hoping nobody noticed the blush of embarrassment spreading across his face.

Once all speeches had been held they were dismissed, and Kaidan joined Garrus and the others again. Tali wrapped her arms around him as soon as he reached them, holding him close. Liara was dabbing her eyes, as was the Doctor, and Kaidan was sure that Garrus' expression was one of grief as well.

They remained silent for a moment before Ashley spoke up with a thick voice.

"I don't know about you guys, but I could use a stiff drink, or ten."

Kaidan laughed once. Of course it would be Ash to suggest something like that. She put one arm around his shoulders and the other around Joker's as they slowly made their way off the cemetery.

After a few steps a male voice called out behind them.

"Lieutenant-Commander Alenko? A word, please."

Kaidan turned around, and felt all color draining from his face. He found himself looking into eyes the exact hue of blue and gray as Nick's had been. He felt Ashley squeeze his arm as he turned to face Captain John Shepard fully.

"Captain?" he kept his voice carefully neutral, though he couldn't suppress curiosity seeping through.

"Walk a few steps with me," the captain said, gesturing for Kaidan to join him.

Apprehension spread through Kaidan as he fell in step with Nick's father.

"I'm not sure if you know who I am, Commander," John Shepard continued. "Or if you know which position I hold. For close to a year now I've been running the ICT program at Vila Militar." He procured a data pad from his inside pocket. "This is a commendation my daughter my sent. Obviously she thought you are good enough to be invited to the N-program."

Lost for words Kaidan blinked once, staring at the Alliance Captain in disbelief.

Nick had commended him for N-School?

"My wife just brought something else to my attention, though. How close were you with Veronika? I know she wouldn't suggest anybody for the ICT program that doesn't have the potential for it, but I have to ask."

Could the ground open up, and swallow him?

"We were good friends, sir," Kaidan replied carefully, keeping his eyes on the path in front of him.

"Bullshit, Commander." John Shepard waved his answer away dismissively. Kaidan looked in his direction out of the corner of his eyes. "I know there was somebody in her crew that had gained my daughter's attention, and not only on a professional level. How do I know that you wonder? Because Nick gave herself away in a vid call with my wife, and she just told me about it." He stopped and looked straight at Kaidan. "If you're worried about frat regs, you don't have to be. That would be rather hypocritical of me. But if you were involved with my daughter I would appreciate an honest answer."

Kaidan took a deep breath, his cheeks burning with embarrassment. "Yes, sir. We were involved."

The captain nodded. "How long?"

"Since the Battle of the Citadel." This was not strictly true, but it was close enough. Kaidan didn't want him to know that it had actually gone quite a bit longer, but the knowing expression on the captain's face made him wonder if he didn't suspect differently.

"I see." John Shepard walked on a few steps without saying more. Then he stopped. "Commander, I expect you to report in at the villa Monday morning by 0800." With that John Shepard turned away.

Kaidan swallowed, and then sped up to catch up with the others again, his mind reeling at the conversation he had just had. He could hardly believe it.

He was going to N-School.

A/N: The next chapter will take us straight to 2185 and to Nick waking up. Unless I manage to come up quickly with a mission for Kaidan, that is. Reviews are most welcome! :)