CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN
It didn't mean anything

"Why didn't I tell Paul I loved him sooner? I don't know why. I guess, looking back, I fell in love with him when he greeted me, in his cabin, wearing nothing but a towel. At the time, I thought my feelings were just a mix of lust and horniness. I had no idea what a 'normal' relationship was like, and it was like learning to walk. We did a lot of stumbling and falling as we both made mistakes with questionable choices and decisions…"

— Faith Lehane

oOoOo

A flood of thoughts and feelings engulfed Faith as she walked the ship's corridors in a daze with no real idea of where she was going. Her feet moved as if they had a mind of their own while the holo-locket dug into her clenched hand.

She barely noticed any pain from her hand, being at a complete loss as she struggled with her emotions. A wave of anger added to her emotional turmoil, I never asked him to care for me… I didn't ask him to go out there and do that…

The scenes of Paul's Battloid dancing across space as he desperately fought replayed in Faith's thoughts. The images of him fighting against the unending waves of enemy ships tore at her.

As a Slayer, she knew about having the odds stacked against her, but what he faced was bordering on the obscene. She tried hard not to imagine what he must have been going through or thinking in those final moments. Yet, those unwanted thoughts still came, forcing her to stop in her tracks as she pushed her hands against her eyes trying to force them away. She tried lying to herself to make the pain go away.

It was just sex between us… it meant nothing, she kept repeating in her head, trying to get herself to believe what her heart and soul knew differently.

More unwanted memories assaulted her as she recalled how happy she was waking up in bed next to him. He'd never pressured or pushed her and had no hidden agendas. He'd been almost as reluctant as her to get involved. An inner voice chided her for being so foolish for getting involved with him. At first, it had been only to satisfy her sexual urges, but she'd let it go too far. Before Paul, her motto regarding men was to "Ride 'em hard and fast, then walk away" because that prevented any unnecessary complications. She'd broken her rule and was now paying the price for letting things get complicated. At this moment she didn't know who she hated more… Buffy, the Invid, Paul or herself.

When she pulled her hands away from her eyes, she found herself standing outside Paul's cabin. Another torrent of memories unleashed themselves as she stood there in shock staring at the door. She fought the pull to go into the cabin because she didn't think she could handle it.

Another wave of anger washed over her as she remembered how she used to swear she would never let a guy have this much control over her. As her anger continued to grow, she began to feel more foolish and weak for how she was feeling. She looked at the holo-locket in her hand and for a moment she struggled with the fleeting temptation to throw it away.

I'm the Slayer damn it! I'm not some foolish girl gushing and falling for guys… it's the other way around!

She clenched the holo-locket tighter, almost as if she wanted to crush it, trying to decide what to do next. After a moment she relaxed her grip, realizing she couldn't throw it away… yet. She shoved the holo-locket into her back pocket as she stood there staring at the cabin door. That inner voice came again, trying to convince her that Paul meant nothing to her and she didn't need him. The voice tried to convince her she needed to prove that Paul was nothing but two sweaty bodies bumping in the night.

The grief and heartbreak filling her muted as an idea flashed in her head. She turned away from Paul's cabin, striding down the corridor with a new purpose all the while trying to deny the pain and emptiness consuming her.

oOoOo

Cassie leaned against the bulkhead, taking a deep breath, as the door to her cabin closed behind her. After a long moment, she moved further into her cabin, pausing in front of her mirror. The squadron patch on her shoulder caught her eyes, and she stared at it as a swarm of thoughts jumbled through her head.

I can't… I can't do this! I don't know what I'm doing! How can I run, let alone rebuild a squadron!

The growing pressure and responsibility weighed on her as she continued staring at the squadron patch. There was a temptation to remove it and admit she wasn't up to the job.

Who the hell am I to be thinking I can fill the Captain's shoes! He was in the same league as Max Sterling, Admiral Hunter and Roy Fokker, and I'm still only a rookie with only one combat mission under my belt.

She'd known since joining the REF and becoming an officer she would eventually have to make the hard decisions… but not now, and not this way. The fear of failure and letting down the Captain grew inside her, and the first inklings of panic stirred in her. Just as she began to fear she was losing control, a knock on her door distracted her.

More doubts filled her not knowing if she should answer the door. The door opening forced the decision on her as Xander cautiously entered.

A wave of guilt hit Cassie as she recalled how she'd reacted to Xander's attempts to console her on the bridge. Yet, she was still a fighter pilot and an officer in the REF. That meant there were certain expectations and requirements in how you did things… no matter how crappy they must seem.

Before she could say anything, Xander spoke, "Cassie… I just want you to know that I'm here for you. If you want to talk or just hang out… I'm here and there's no judgment on my part."

Xander paused unsure if he should say more, but he realized he needed to say it, "I just want to say I love you!"

A stunned expression filled Cassie's face as she tried to absorb this news. Another wave of panic threatened to build and engulf her, but she realized that even though they hadn't discussed it she felt the same way. The pressures and doubts fell away, and she stared at Xander's face as a floodgate of emotions and desires opened up and swept over her. She knew what she wanted right now…

Xander wasn't sure how Cassie would respond to him putting himself out there and telling her he loved her. He had several self-depreciating putdowns ready to deal with any disappointment.

What he hadn't expected was for Cassie to leap at him, taking him by surprise as she pushed him up against the cabin wall. He was off balance from her 'attack' and his good eye arched in surprise as she kissed him with an uncontrolled furious passion. As any normal guy would do in this situation, he stopped thinking about what was happening and reacted meeting her passion with his own intense desire.

They kissed for what seemed like an eternity. Cassie finally pulled away meeting Xander's eye with an intense look, "I want you!" she whispered in a low husky voice.

Xander gulped hard taken by surprise by the intense passion and sexuality radiating from Cassie. He was no novice, but this moment differed from anything he'd experienced before. His heart pounded wildly as he took in the hunger and desire in her eyes. His body responded out of reflex as she pressed her body against his.

"Are you sure?" Xander whispered as a moment of hesitation gripped him. He was the older and supposedly the more mature and experienced one in this relationship. He wanted to be sure this was what Cassie wanted… no matter how much his body was desiring her right now.

There was no hesitation or doubt in Cassie's face, "Yes…" she said, pressing her body harder against him in response to his growing desire.

They cast aside any further doubts and hesitations as they kissed again. Small moans of pleasure escaped Cassie's mouth as Xander ran his hands over her body, exploring her more sensitive areas.

Drunk with sexual desire, they staggered away from the wall towards her bed, pulling away long enough to tear off each other's clothes. In moments they were naked in bed, hungrily kissing each other as their hands moved up and down exploring each other's body.

oOoOo

Robin had kept himself occupied during his stay on the Arcadia, taking advantage of offered tours to get familiar with the ship. When not exploring the ship, he used the gymnasium to keep in shape and filled the remaining spare time by accessing the ship's comprehensive computer databases and libraries.

His favorite topic of study were the ship's historical records. He found it fascinating reading to see how events differed and played out in an alternate universe. It had been both mesmerizing and horrifying to read the accounts of the Robotech Wars and the devastation that the alternate Earth had suffered.

Reading and seeing videos of the battles gave him a different perspective and appreciation of his universe. He'd grown up, raised to believe his Earth constantly lived under the threat of extinction because of the vampires and demons that roamed the planet. It was sobering to view the video records of Zentraedi ships laying waste to that alternate Earth. The size of the fleets involved and the distances across the galaxy was staggering and almost hard to believe.

He'd been aware–like everyone else–of the threat from the Invid, yet the battle alert, coming through the ship's PA system, still caught him by surprise. From studying the ship's battle records, he was more than aware of what the Invid could do. Despite all his years of hunting and fighting vampires and demons, he suddenly experienced an unsettling sense of helplessness and being uselessly insignificant in the face of this alien threat.

He spent the battle in his quarters, staying out of the crew's way. Besides, there was little he could do or offer that would make any impact or difference to the battle. He monitored the progress of the battle through the ship's communication system, and relief filled him at the announcement of all Invid forces being destroyed.

With the Invid threat gone and Earth knowing of the Arcadia's existence, there was now the opportunity to go home. There would still be a lot of fallout and ramifications, but for Robin that was somebody else's problem to deal with. His only concern was dealing with the ongoing threats posed from vampires and demons, especially The First Evil.

As he considered tracking down Giles to discuss their next moves, a knock on his cabin door drew his attention. Robin was trying to figure out who was at his door when he opened it…

The last person he expected to be knocking at his door was Faith. What he also didn't expect was for her to barge into his cabin and grab him, pushing him back up against a wall. Shock and surprise filled his face as she pressed her body up against his and began kissing him in an almost frenzy-like state.

An immediate sense of deja vu struck Robin as he recalled how their previous sexual encounter in Buffy's house had started. Out of reflex, his body responded to her sexual advances. Yet, this time the analytical and logical portions of his brain immediately noted that something was wrong with Faith. He noted her red-rimmed eyes and her expression seemed to reflect more of someone in pain rather than one filled with lust and desire.

These signs set off alarm bells in Robin's head and rather than give in he pushed Faith back. He needed some breathing space to figure out what was happening and get control over his body.

"Faith, what's the matter?" he said, taking a deep breath to calm himself.

Disappointment flashed across Faith's face at Robin putting on the breaks to her advances. His moves would not deter her as she pushed her body closer, meeting his eyes, "I want you," she muttered, trying to put on a husky tone.

Robin blinked in surprise at her statement, not sure if he'd heard her right. The tone in her voice confirmed his first impressions that something was wrong, "You want me? You want to have sex with me… right now?" he said, trying to ignore the heat of her body pressing up against him.

"Yes… I want you to take me," she said, again attempting a husky voice. To emphasis her desire, she pressed her right hand against his chest and ran her fingers down his chest towards the lower portions of his torso.

"Whoa! Timeout here!" Robin said as her fingers caused parts of his body to respond out of reflex. He exerted enough control and strength to disengage from Faith, pushing her back far enough to extricate himself from the wall.

The logical parts of his brain exerted more control to get any lingering sexual desires under control. His sense that something was wrong only grew. He–like everybody else aboard the ship–knew about Faith and Captain Coleiro being involved with each other. Moving away from Faith to give himself more space to think, Robin tried to figure out what was going on and what was causing this change in her behavior.

He'd heard the rumors going around about the Captain and Buffy and he wondered if Faith was using him to get back at them. The last thing he wanted was to get stuck in the middle of any lover's quarrel or used for revenge sex… especially with Slayers being involved.

"What's wrong?" Robin said, studying Faith more closely now, trying to figure out what was motivating her behavior.

"Nothing… I wanted a repeat session with you," she said, shaking her head.

Faith's attempted denials rang hollow to Robin. Again, her expression and her eyes indicated that something was troubling her. Of the two Slayers, he'd considered Faith the more vulnerable one emotionally which only caused his concern to grow.

"Did the Captain do something to you? Did he hurt you?" he said, his voice switching to his 'Concerned Principal' tone.

Faith shook her head, but her voice indicated otherwise, cracking as she spoke, "Yeah… I mean no! He didn't do anything!"

Robin tried to figure out what was causing Faith this much pain, "Did he force you to do something you didn't want to do? Did he hit you? If he hurt you… you can tell me."

Faith's plan to seduce Robin and prove that what she and Paul had meant nothing was falling apart. Robin's questions were hammering at her and she felt her control slipping away, "N-No… N-No…! It's not anything like that. I want to…"

"Faith, there's nothing to be afraid of. You can tell—"

Faith couldn't take it anymore, "HE'S DEAD!" she shouted, stepping back away from Robin.

Robin stood there, stunned speechless as he stared at Faith. Everything started to make more sense now, "How?" he said.

Faith closed her eyes, "What does it matter… he's dead," she said, shaking her head, trying to keep a lid on her emotions as they threatened to burst out.

Robin stepped towards Faith, but stayed at arm's length, "It matters… tell me what happened," he said.

Faith opened her eyes, meeting Robin's eyes, but all she saw was the final battle scene playing out. Her breathing became heavy as she struggled with the pain as she spoke, "He went out and did a suicide run against those damned Invid. He drew them in… and then some bombs went off… taking them and him out."

A confused expression flashed on Robin's face as he absorbed her story, "A-And you wanted to come down here and have sex with me?" he said.

Faith's eyes blurred as she turned away from Robin, "P-Paul… the Captain… We were just messing around. It wasn't going to last… it was just for the sex. It didn't mean anything."

"Bullshit!" Robin said, catching Faith by surprise.

Faith turned back to face Robin, "What's your problem? I came here to have sex. What…? You're too good now to get between the sheets with me?" she said as a flash of anger gripped her.

Robin didn't back down, "You came here to prove to yourself that you don't care… that you didn't love him."

Faith tried to deny her true feelings, "Screw you!" she said, vigorously shaking her head.

Robin ignored her outburst. He now understood her thinking and why she was here. The last thing she needed right how was to deny her true feelings. She needed to confront and accept her feelings for the Captain, "You think it would be so easy to come down here and screw your brains out and not care…"

"Shut up!"

"Prove to yourself that no man is worth your time or investing your feelings in…"

"Shut up!"

"You can try and lie to me Faith, but I see it in your face. You loved—"

"SHUT THE HELL UP!"

Out of instinct, Robin took a step back in the face of Faith's anger and pain.

The emotions she'd tried to hold back and deny were now threatening to breakthrough and overwhelm her. All she could see and hear was Paul's face on the display screen in those final seconds and that she said nothing tore at her soul. Tears filled her eyes, "If he loved me so fucking much… then why the hell did he get himself killed! He could have found another way… he-he didn't have to leave me," she said, her voice cracking with grief and pain.

Robin shook his head sadly, "I don't know why Faith, but I'm sure he had his reasons. He didn't leave you a note or something?"

His words caused a switch to flip in her head as she remembered the holo-locket in her back pocket. Without a word she turned and rushed from the cabin, leaving a confused and worried Robin standing there.

oOoOo

Faith rushed back to Paul's cabin. There was a moment's hesitation as she stood in front of the door, but she forced through it and entered the cabin. The familiar sights and smells hit her and for a moment her strength almost gave out.

She dug down deep to keep it together, sitting on the edge of the bed as she took the holo-locket out of her pocket. It seemed like an eternity as she stared at the holo-locket before pressing the button on top. She had no idea what to expect as the top of the holo-locket opened and a green light shone from the center of the object. A small image of Paul suddenly appeared, causing her heart to skip a beat as his voice filled the room.

"Faith… I'm sorry. I didn't want to do it this way… it comes off as too contrived and reeks of those sappy emotions which I know you don't like…"

A smile forced its way on to her way while tears glistened in her eyes as she took in Paul's image and his voice.

"If you're viewing this, then it means I'm dead. I know you're probably asking yourself why and trying to understand why I did it. If you were in my place, what would you do? I had to do this. There was no choice and I couldn't live with sending anyone else against impossible odds to stop the Invid. I wasn't willing to risk the ship… the crew… and you."

Her tears flowed freely now it became harder to see his image as he continued.

"I did what I did because I had a duty and responsibility. You're a Slayer, so I know you understand better than most. I asked you where we were going with this… and you never gave me an answer. You didn't want me to use that particular word, but I do feel that way for you. It seemed those I loved the most always died while I survived, forcing me to continue on alone. So, I buried my feelings. I didn't want to love again because I didn't want to go through that pain again. Then so much time passed by I didn't think I could ever feel that way again about anyone. I'm sorry for leaving you, because I understand the pain I will have caused you. Please forgive me… live your life. I want you to find happiness… and love. Take care of yourself… I love you…"

The message ended, leaving a stunned Faith sitting alone in the cabin. Like a delayed-action bomb, the grief finally exploded inside her, unleashing a stream of uncontrollable sobbing and crying. The pain inside burst free and it seemed as if her heart would explode. She fell backward on to the bed, tightly gripping the holo-locket in her hand as she curled up into a ball as all her pent-up emotions released. Time lost all meaning as she laid there crying, her body heaving from her sobs. A voice startled her.

"Well, this is quite the scene… My little firecracker fell in love and now he's dead," the familiar voice said in a sneering sarcastic tone.

The voice caused Faith to sit up. As she wiped tears from her eyes, the sight of Richard Wilkins, standing across the room from her, greeted her. The former Mayor of Sunnydale met her gaze with a condescending smirk.

A flash of anger filled her, knowing who it really was, "Screw off!" she said. She wasn't in the mood to face The First Evil or be its mental piñata right now.

The First Evil, kept smiling, "Wow… I'm really impressed. I've never been in space before… never had the chance, but you know what they say… travel broadens the mind."

Faith laid back down, trying to ignore The First Evil as it continued its verbal assault.

"Oh, is my firecracker upset her hero is dead? I know what you need… you need a friend to comfort you during your time of mourning…"

The First shifted its form from Richard Wilkins, and suddenly Buffy was standing in the room giving Faith a cold smile.

"See, I can be a good friend… we could eat some ice cream and listen to some Enya and Sarah McLachlan. Oh wait, if I was such a good friend why did I try and screw your boyfriend? In fact, I tried to do it right here in this very room. If I couldn't have him, then maybe I didn't want you to have him? Hey! Maybe that's why I let him go out there to die… Oops!" Buffy's image said, holding her hand to her mouth as an embarrassed smile filled its face.

Faith closed her eyes, trying to shut out The First's voice. More tears filled her eyes as she tried to get a grip on her emotions.

"I guess I wasn't really a true friend… maybe I was jealous you found someone alive to love while my lover is cold and dead. Speaking of dead… I wonder…?"

The image of Buffy changed and another familiar voice filled the room, "What would Angel think of all this? All that time he spent trying to save you… show you were worth saving… that you were worth redeeming."

Faith glimpsed Angel's image, a crooked smile filling his face. She shuddered and closed her eyes to shut out the image, it reminded her too much of Angelus.

"Hmmm… it's probably a good thing the good Captain died. I wonder what he would have thought of you trying to throw yourself at Robin. What you must think of yourself? He wasn't even cold yet, and there you were throwing yourself, wanting to spread your legs for another man…"

The verbal assault had finally crossed the line, and Faith sat up like a shot with tears running down her face, "SHUT UP! SHUT UP!"

The image of Angel sneered at Faith, "Awww… the brave, strong Slayer. You finally find a man you can trust and be comfortable with… not like all those other men that just wanted you for your body. Let's be honest here… you never gave most of them a chance to prove otherwise. Yet, you found a kindred spirit in the Captain. You want to hear my theory? I think he went on that suicide mission, because he couldn't stand the thought of spending another minute with you…"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

"I mean what could you really offer him? Your body? You would eventually age and your looks would wither away. Your intellect? Let's get serious! Your relationship already peaked. There was nowhere else for it to go but downhill. There… there… don't cry. You got more orgasms out of this guy than any other guy you've spread your legs for, so you have that at least to remember him by."

Faith couldn't take anymore, pressing her hands against her ears trying to shut out The First's voice. She sat there, shaking her head, muttering to herself. Her hands dropped from her ears as she met The First Evil's eyes with bloodshot and tear-filled eyes. She didn't blink, feeling drained and overwhelmed by her pain and grief.

"I want to see him…" she whispered.

The image of Angel leaned in closer, "Come again…? I missed that."

"I want you to turn into Paul," she said, her voice taking on a harder edge.

A confused look flashed across the image of Angel, "Why would you want that? I would think that would be the last thing you would want."

Sadness and pain filled Faith's voice, "I want to see his face, so I can tell him I love him. You want to torture me… you want to rip my soul out? I'm already living in hell! I watched the man I love die. He died to protect me… his ship… his crew… the planet! I know it won't be him, but I can live with that illusion… it's all I got left."

The First Evil stared down at Faith for a long moment. She refused to break her gaze. The creature could see her determination finding renewed strength.

"No… I don't think so," the image of Angel said, giving her a smirk.

Anger welled up in Faith momentarily overcoming her grief and pain, "Why not? I would think you would want to use Paul's image to torture me more."

"Because you want me to," The First sneered in a huffed tone.

Faith would never be mistaken for a rocket scientist, but her lack of education didn't make her stupid. In that moment of staring down The First Evil a thought burst forth, forming an impossible idea.

Before she realized it, she was voicing her idea, "You won't because you can't…"

The First Evil turned its back on Faith, "What're you going on about?" it said in a dismissive tone.

As the idea took hold, and she worked through everything, "You can only appear as those that have died… You can't appear as Paul— MY GOD!"

Her eyes widened in shock at the realization and implications as the crazy, impossible idea ignited hope in her. She didn't hesitate, leaping from the bed. Without a pause, she ran straight through the image of Angel, ignoring the creature's taunts and barbs, as she rushed from the cabin. Her thoughts now focused on her crazy glimmer of hope.

She realized going straight to the bridge with her crazy idea wouldn't work. What she needed was some support first for her crazy idea… and she knew exactly who to turn to. She hurried down the corridor, realizing time was of the essence.

oOoOo

Cassie and Xander were lying together in bed, basking in the afterglow of sex. He ran his fingers lightly down her arm while taking in her beauty. This elicited a small sad smile from her.

"You okay? I'm sorry if I did something wrong," he said, struck by a sudden anxious thought he'd screwed up.

"No… No, it's nothing you did. I'm glad you're here. I'm glad we're like this," she said, shaking her head vigorously to allay his fears or misconceptions. She'd really enjoyed the sex.

"Then what's wrong?"

"I'm scared…"

Her honesty surprised Xander as he wondered what was wrong, "What're you scared about?"

"I'm scared of failing and letting the Captain down… I'm scared of losing you," she said as a tear rolled down her cheek.

Xander reached out, and gently wiped the tear away from her cheek, "It's okay, you've got nothing to be afraid of. I know you'll do everything you need to do and more… just remember that I love you."

Cassie's smile perked up, "I love you too," she whispered, leaning in and kissing him gently on the lips.

Xander savored the kiss and his body stirred in response. He pulled Cassie closer, wrapping his arms around as their kissing increased in passionate intensity. It was the beginning of another perfect moment… or it would have been if the cabin door hadn't burst open with Faith rushing in.

Faith's abrupt entry threw a bucket of cold water over the intimate moment, causing a startled Cassie and Xander to sit up in bed. In their surprise and shock the bed sheet slid down leaving Cassie a little more exposed than Xander.

Xander didn't hide his disappointment at being interrupted as he quickly pulled the bed sheet back up to cover Cassie, "What the hell, Faith?" he exclaimed.

Faith barely acknowledged Xander as she picked up Cassie's uniform off the floor and tossed it to her, "Get dressed! We need to get moving!" she said.

"Faith, you can't just come barging into people's rooms…! We were—" Xander said, not bothering to hide his growing anger at her crazed behavior and being interrupted.

Faith had more important things to worry about than interrupting Xander's sex life, "I know what you guys were doing. All I can say it's about time you two got serious. Cassie has a hot body, so you're a lucky guy. Plus, I know you're packing, so Cassie's a lucky girl…"

Xander flushed a beet red at Faith's comments, especially her bringing up their past encounter in front of Cassie. While Xander struggled with embarrassment, Cassie was out of bed, getting dressed. Her concern was more on the way Faith was acting as the Slayer paced anxiously back-and-forth across the room.

"What's the problem?" Cassie said, trying to figure out what was agitating Faith.

Faith's impatience was hard to keep in check. She felt like a caged tiger wanting to strike out, "We have to turn around and go back and look for him!"

Cassie worriedly eyed Faith, "Look for who?" she said.

"For Paul… for the Captain!"

Cassie froze, staring at Faith as if she'd taken leave of her sanity. The Captain was dead, there was nothing left to go back and look for, "Search for Captain Coleiro? What're you talking about?" she said, wondering if Faith's grief had caused her to snap.

"He's not dead!" she exclaimed, "He's out there, and we have to find him!"