It hadn't been Barba's intention to sleep his Saturday away, but he'd managed it quite effectively. It was after ten when he glanced bleary-eyed at the texts that had awakened him, and when he learned that Olivia was on call and had just caught a case, that was enough to let him fall back to sleep for another few hours.
When he arrived at the precinct just before two, he should have been dragging from the drastic change to his sleep schedule combined with the confusion of the time difference between Washington and New York. His excitement to see her somehow managed to cancel all that out.
Olivia was on the phone when Barba entered her office. "You need to stop it right now," he scolded as soon as she hung up. "I can't visit you at work if you're going to do that thing with your face every time I walk in the door."
"And just what thing am I doing with my face exactly?"
"You look like someone just presented you with a basket full of puppies."
She half-heartedly tried to school her features with only moderate success. "You should be flattered, Barba. Everyone loves puppies."
"Oh, don't get me wrong. I am absolutely flattered. That's not the issue."
"Do tell."
He had stalled in his approached, not trusting himself. But her invitation to share felt very much to him like an invitation to come around her desk. Which he did, perching with feigned casualness. "You know very well that when you get all sentimental it makes ME all sentimental."
"Like you've ever needed help with that." But then her hand curled around his forearm, and just the gentle contact set her off again.
"Olivia, stop." This time it was a warning. The door was open, the blinds were open, and while the bullpen wasn't full due to the weekend it had its share of potentially prying eyes.
"Would you rather me look like I want to rip your clothes off?"
"Oddly I think I'd find this face harder to handle." Harder to resist. "Please tell me you're getting out of here at a reasonable hour today."
"It's looking that way so far, knock on wood. I hope you don't mind spending the night in; I promised Noah we'd be around if I managed to get away."
"I was actually going to suggest it. Any objections to me heading over before you get home?"
The hand that was still on his arm slipped lower, catching his fingers. "It's been a long time since you asked permission," she noted.
He gnawed his lower lip, a bit embarrassed at being called out. "I know. It's weird that I'm suddenly inclined to dial back the taking of liberties. Maybe it's just because I've been gone for so long."
"Yes, because nothing else has changed," she jested lightly.
"I want to kiss you so much right now." And perhaps it was because of HIS face, which he was sure in that moment must be mirroring the indiscreetly fond expression that had reappeared on hers and led to his admission, but he could see that she was actually considering it. Weighing it. And why the hell not. They didn't work together anymore, and there was nothing stopping them.
Nothing except that she was the boss and this was her office, and while it might not be against any rule it would certainly be unprofessional. But apparently such internal arguments weren't convincing enough because she found herself getting to her feet and pressing her lips to his for a long moment.
Barba hummed contentedly before breaking away. "Now I DEFINITELY can't visit you at work."
Another kiss, quick and sweet. And she almost told him she loved him, but as had been pointed out, he'd been gone for so long and much had changed. So instead she told him not to be silly, and that she'd see him at home later. And she kissed him once again because she just couldn't help herself.
Olivia arrived just before dinnertime and was able to slip in with no one noticing. Lucy's shoes were still by the door, but so were Barba's. That wasn't uncommon, as Barba often insisted or invited Lucy to stay "on duty" after his arrival, not wanting to take away her income just because he had nowhere else to be. In those times Barba would usually entertain Noah while Lucy took care of the other household and "personal assistant" tasks that had become a part of her role.
But sometimes, like today, he just joined in with whatever she and Noah were doing. And today, Olivia got a chance to just stand back and watch… and stealthily record on her phone, because she couldn't NOT.
All three of them were in aprons, all three of them in her tiny kitchen, singing along (using various cutlery as microphones) at full voice with the music playing and dancing while they finished making supper. At one point Barba offered a hand to Lucy, and when she accepted it he spun her into his chest before spinning her out again. Noah's delighted laughter was precious, priceless. And Olivia's heart felt like it would burst.
Tucking her phone back in her pocket, Olivia slipped off her shoes and tried to sneak past, not wanting to interrupt their fun. But Barba easily spotted her and stepped out to greet her. He kissed her cheek, pulled her against him and then they were dancing a quick step. Noah was laughing again as he watched and begged Lucy to dance with him the same way.
Barba dipped Olivia as the song ended, looking over at Noah as if to challenge him. A good effort, but then Lucy was on the floor and Noah had fallen on top of her, both of them giggling until they could barely breathe.
When everyone was upright again and the volume of the music had been turned down, Olivia asked Lucy if she could stay for dinner. And Lucy was about to protest, not wanting to intrude, but was convinced by Noah's insistence and consoled by Barba's pleased expression when she agreed.
At the table, Olivia contributed very little to the conversation, finding herself fluctuating between huge smiles and fighting tears, both for the same reason. A little voice in her head was telling her it wouldn't last, that the new relationship euphoria was just chemical and would fade soon enough. But when she felt Barba's foot come to rest against hers, when his earnest and sweet expression sought to engage her, she told that little voice in her head to "fuck off" and determined that she had every right to enjoy the chemical euphoria for as long as it lasted.
After dinner Olivia was released to shower and change while the others took care of clean up. When she returned Lucy was gone and Barba and Noah were playing Lego on the living room floor. She watched from the couch for a while before suggesting they put in a movie. She didn't care which one; she just wanted an excuse for them to be close.
Noah had been recently taught how to safely handle microwave popcorn on his own and ran to the kitchen to exercise his new skillset. This gave the adults just enough time to have a conversation on a topic that miraculously neither had yet to consider.
It began when after cleaning up the toys Barba pulled himself on to the couch, specifically the side of the couch opposite to where Olivia was settled. "You're really far away," she pointed out unnecessarily.
"Leaving space for Noah."
"He hasn't grown that much since you've been gone, Rafa." She crawled over and settled against him. "Or were you being metaphoric?"
"Not intentionally, but now that you mention it -"
"I haven't told him about us," she interrupted, not needing to mention that they hadn't even defined between themselves what this was, hadn't discussed rules or expectations or labels. "But we don't need to hide it."
"He's a smart kid."
"And he loves you. If anything, he'll be thrilled."
It meant so much to Barba that Olivia wasn't protecting her son, protecting herself, by choosing to wait. And Olivia would later reflect that it was a pretty big deal for her too, despite the fact that she'd made the decision so easily in the moment. Or maybe because of it.
It had been easy enough with Ed because Noah had been too young to understand or care. Olivia had made it clear to him that her priority was her son, that he was welcome there after Noah was asleep but that any time she had a chance to be with Noah after work or on her days off, that is where she would be, and he likely would not be invited.
He'd gotten to know Noah mostly in the mornings, and seemed happy to help out, to give Olivia a few extra minutes of sleep by responding to the boy's cries, by plucking him from his bed and getting him ready for the day, feeding him breakfast while she was in the shower. She appreciated it, but didn't rely on it.
Nearer the end she relaxed the boundaries and they spent some days off together, shared dinner from time to time. Ed was comfortable with Noah, liked Noah, and didn't seem to resent Noah for being the reason that he could never come close to being number one in Olivia's life.
Yes, it had been easy enough with Ed. But in the end it was also easy enough to leave him.
This was so different. Rafael Barba was so different.
Barba loved her son, and loved him as something separate from her. His relationship with Noah didn't exist to help her or please her. If she suddenly blinked out of existence and out of memory, she imagined that their bond would carry on without her.
And she imagined that if their romance, their friendship, were to implode, Barba would never fully walk away and she would never fully shut him out. Because Noah would never allow it, and because neither of them would break his heart even if they'd managed to break each other's.
Noah soon returned with the popcorn. "I only touched along the top so I wouldn't get burned," he stated proudly, holding out the bowl so his mother could complete the task by ripping the bag open and dumping its contents.
"Well done, Noah!" Barba praised. "Soon enough you'll be cooking us all dinner!"
And then the popcorn was on Olivia's lap and Noah was on Barba's lap and Olivia was back to moving between smiles and tears because she had MISSED this, missed them all together, and it just felt so damn perfect.
When the movie was over Barba nominated himself to supervise bedtime, and accepted a kiss on the lips from Olivia for his troubles. A kiss which Noah saw, and that Barba knew that he saw.
"Do you mind if I tell him?" Barba asked her after sending Noah to brush his teeth. "My mom's first...friend...after my dad died, we never really talked about it, and I can remember it being very weird and kind of traumatizing. I know it's not the same, but I think we'll all feel more comfortable with an open line of communication." Then he had a thought. "I'm sorry. YOU should be the one to tell him, of course. When you're ready."
But then her face was doing the "thing" again, and her hand was on his cheek. "You go ahead and tell him. I'll be in here for backup if you need it."
God, he loved her.
He wasted little time, not wanting to lose his nerve. After he'd tucked the boy in and perched beside him on the bed, he began. "So, buddy, there's something I wanted to talk to you about. Man to man."
Noah looked stricken. "Are you leaving again?"
"No! No, sweet boy, it's nothing like that." He smoothed Noah's curls then laid a soothing, steady hand on his chest. "Kind of the opposite, actually." He took a deep breath. Why was this so difficult? "So your mom and I, we, ummm… Well, we… When two grownups really like each other… Well…" Another breath, and a change of tactics. "Do you know what it means when grownups are boyfriend and girlfriend?"
"Yeah," Noah told him, though he didn't elaborate and Barba frankly wasn't sure he wanted him to.
"Okay, well I just wanted to let you know that your mom and I… What I mean is… Well, I guess your mom and I have decided that we are going to be like boyfriend and girlfriend, more or less. Okay?" Noah's expression didn't really change, and Barba wondered if he really DIDN'T know what that meant. "So that means that I might be around a lot."
A long pause. "Uh-huh," Noah said finally, though only because he felt like Barba was waiting for a response and didn't know what he was meant to say.
"And that sometimes you might see us hug or cuddle or kiss. And that sometimes I might sleep over."
The little boy's eyes narrowed slightly now, though it looked distinctly more like confusion than disgust.
"But if that ever bothers you," Barba said quickly, "you can just tell me, okay? You can always be honest with me and your mom about stuff like that." A long pause, and still no real reaction. "So… how does all that sound to you? Honestly?"
"Ummm…"
"Yeah?" Barba coaxed, a sick feeling in the pit of his stomach.
"But weren't you already boyfriend/girlfriend?"
Barba blinked. "Pardon?"
"Because you always hug and kiss and stuff. And you're always here. And sometimes you sleep over."
"Oh."
"I told my teacher that you were mommy's boyfriend. And my friends."
"Did you."
"Yeah." And after a moment he grinned, obviously completely unconcerned and ready to move on. "Can we get a new book? A chapter one?"
Barba chuckled. "Sure, buddy. Maybe we can go tomorrow to pick one out. But how about tonight we read one of our favourites?"
Later, after Noah had nodded off, Barba rejoined Olivia on the coach.
"Well, how did it go?" she tried to be nonchalant, but she rightly suspected Barba knew she'd been a bit anxious about it.
"Noah is a smart kid," he said simply, repeating his words from earlier in the evening. "And it would appear that he gave us his stamp of approval a long time ago." He filled her in, and they both laughed at the boy's insight. "So, that's a relief, I guess."
"You didn't honestly think he would be bothered, did you?"
"I suppose not. But it's still nice to hear it from him." He took a sip of the wine she had poured for them and set down his glass. "So, what do you want to do tonight?"
When she all but pounced on him, straddled him, he was neither surprised nor disappointed.
It was some time before they came up for air when Barba finally spoke. "Liv, you need to stop or I'm going to embarrass myself." And her expression in response caused him to add, "That was NOT meant as a challenge."
"I don't think think it's about embarrassment," she teased. "It's about you being fastidious and not wanting to make a mess." She rolled her hips and began kissing him again.
"It's your couch," he reminded her, smirking against her lips. But she wasn't wrong.
"Barba, I'm raising a kid. This couch has survived its fair share of bodily fluids."
"Okay, that's gross. I nap on this couch."
"Sorry to put that image in your head. I'll try for some better connections." She slipped a hand briefly in between them; an awkward angle but when she palmed him through his jeans it had the desired effect. "You know, we could just move this to the bedroom."
"As tempting as that sounds right now, I'm determined that our first time is not going to be an unplanned quickie while we pray your son doesn't wake up."
"You realize that's probably going to describe most of our sex life until Noah goes to college, right?"
"Fair enough. But if I get my way it could very well be the last 'first time' that either of us gets to experience. And I'm one to believe that some milestones should be given a little ceremony, to say the least." He never would have said it if blood was getting to his brain and she wasn't moving her hips in just the right way to create just enough friction. Those kinds of declarations were premature, if nothing else. Even if he meant it, it would be months, maybe years, before he should be given it voice.
But while he was trying to wrangle his brain cells to figure out a way to dial it back, it occurred to him that she'd led the way by suggesting she expected them to still be having sex after Noah graduated high school.
It occurred to her too. "I get it now," she announced, drawing away slightly. "Your rules. 'Horny' is a terrible time to be having serious discussions."
"In my defense, I wasn't aiming for a serious discussion when you climbed onto my lap."
She rested her forehead against his and started to laugh. He was right behind her, and it was the perfect reaction to the situation.
"Okay, but I'm not kidding. You need to get up before I add my DNA contribution to the couch."
She kissed him firmly before standing and getting a better view of her handiwork. He was tousled and untucked and looked fairly debauched, but he also looked proud, which made her think she probably looked much the same. "More wine to help you cool down?"
"What I really need is a cold shower."
"Make it a hot shower and I'll join you." She meant to be funny. She really did. But the hungry look he gave her made her suddenly feel very powerful, and neither of them laughed that time. "Or maybe we need to call it a night."
Barba gnawed absently on his lower lip as he considered the options. "Well…"
She just watched him, trying to look open to whatever he decided even though her arousal definitely gave her a preference. When he stood and slowly stepped toward her she still wasn't sure what course he had chosen, and the exciting uncertainty caused her to shiver.
"Are you on call tomorrow?"
"No."
"Do you think Lucy could stay with Noah overnight and take him to school on Monday?"
She smiled. "I can certainly ask."
He scooped her phone up off the coffee table and she took it from him. "You should. Because her answer might affect whether I can bring himself to leave right now." He crossed his arms to keep himself from distracting her as she dialled, but he was still standing close enough to hear both sides of the conversation, and even the knowing lilt in Lucy's voice as she readily agreed to the plan.
In the end Barba did go home following a few further minutes of tenderness, his departure eased by the knowledge that the next night they'd have the time, space and privacy they both craved, wherever it might lead them.
But 'goodbye' just didn't seem to either of them to be quite adequate to mark their parting. So when Olivia said the words 'I love you' aloud, it was far from a slip of the tongue, and Barba's echoed reply was equally thoughtful and deliberate. And Barba couldn't bring himself to tease or chide her about the sentimental expression that had returned, making it hard for him to leave for a reason different than before. Instead it just made him feel so blessed, so privileged, to be someone she allowed to so deeply touch her heart that she couldn't help but wear it all over her face.