Chapter Thirty-five

"No one truly hates Blood Angels, even the modest hardened anti-BA fan will admit that Mephiston is teh awesomeness" - AnonAfter ten thousand years of unending binge drinking and wondering where they left their wallets (and in which dimension to boot), the Daemon Primarchs and their Daemonically-challenged brothers have ended the Long Stare-off and combined forces to combat the greatest evil known to the Warhammer 40,000 universe - the Forces of Retcon and their harbingers, the C'tan.

Having divided into six teams to locate and recover the six keys for the Gates of Varl carelessly lost by their long-lost stoner brother, Primarch Carl of the Eleventh Legion, the Fear Loathers, our (debatable) heroes race to defeat the C'tan by obtaining the only canon-verified way of travelling back in time and defeating the Star Gods when they were young (and without their undying servants) - the Fish of Time!

With Torgaddon's death Eldrad's horrifying ... ah who am I kidding I love Eldar - Eldrad's AWESOME plan to erase the Imperium from histroy continues. Blissfully ignorant of the huge temporal blunder they are striving to create, our heroes continue their quest for the six Keys of Carl. Having been saved from unpleasant (but quite probably pleasurable) death at the hands of the Keeper of Secrets, Fulgrim, Sanguinius and Mortarion confront their saviour - the Witch King Malekith!

Malekith: "I dislike that term, I prefer 'Self-appointed General Chief Manager of All Affairs', the PR department assure me it will sound less threatening"

Sanguinius: "And you want to sound less threatening because?"

Malekith: "Since a general survey discovered that operating an entire nation on the principle of selfish greed and piratical raiding cannot sustain both the population and an ever-present state of war with our neighbouring country of Ulthuan. Simply put, we needed to conduct trade with our neighbours to ensure future financial and economic survival"

Fulgrim: "Wait ... so you want to become civilised?"

Malekith: "Well ... that would be a term for it ... yes"

Sanguinius: "You do realise that rules out incest in most definitions of the term 'civilised'?"

Malekith: Pauses for thought. "We'll be a free-thinking civilised country"

Sanguinius: "You're hopeless, get a girlfriend"

Fulgrim: "Let me guess - no one will ever be as good as mother?"

Sanguinius: Out of the corner of his mouth. "In bed"

Malekith: "It's not that, she keeps killing all the girls I date ..."

Sanguinius: "What to do when your mother's your psycho clingy girlfriend who won't let you dump her ..."

Malekith: "I don't know what to do!"

Fulgrim: "And yet you're here looking for her?"

Malekith: "I have to tell her it's over between us. I have to stand up for myself!"

Sanguinius: "Indeed! Well spoken! A fine statement to make! And I-" He claps Malekith on a shoulder. "-Primarch Sanguinius of the Blood Angels Legion shall endeaver to assist you in this quest!"

Fulgrim: "Being the expert on relationships that you are"

Sanguinius: "Never a woman that I met that could resist my charms, and never a woman that didn't resist that I couldn't throw away with ease"

Fulgrim: "The amount of double-negatives in that last sentence was disturbing"

Sanguinius: "The chicks dig my way with words"

Malekith: "Thank you! What's the first step?"

Sanguinius places an arm around Malekith.

Sanguinius: "First we need to work on a backbone ... Mortarion! Step forward!"

Mortarion: "What? Me?"

Sanguinius: Looking around. "I don't think anyone else in this galaxy is called Mortarion. Heroes get unique names after all ..."

Mortarion: "Lets test that, shall we?" He turns around and walks over to the window of the small hotel room our heroes are camping in (did I mention that before? Well I am now). Leaning out the window he calls to the orgy in the street below. "Sorry to interrupt, but would those called Mortarion please raise their hand ... or tentacle?"

A thousand individuals raise all manner of limbs.

Sanguinius: "YOU ALL HAD CRUEL PARENTS! GET SOME THERAPY!"

Mortarion: Smiles smugly.

Sanguinius: "All right, point made. Right, stand in front of Malekith. You're Morathi for the present"

Mortarion: "I don't have to have sex with him, right?"

Malekith: Cringes.

Sanguinius: Sighs. "No Mort, you don't need to have sex with him. Just stand there and don't say anything I don't tell you to say"

Fulgrim: "Dude, cut it out with the double negatives. It's not perfect grammar"

Sanguinius: "I apologise oh He Who Must Have Everything Perfect"

Fulgrim: "And sarcasm is the lowest form of wit. That's not per-"

Sanguinius: "Oh do be quiet! The love guru's in work"

Fulgrim: "Not as good as Vect"

Sanguinius: "I'll pretend I didn't hear that. I may treat women as nothing more than something to make me look better, but I still have standards brother. All the girls I take to bed have said yes beforehand, which is more I can say for Vect's choices of ... 'entertainment' ..."

Fulgrim: "You have 'standards'?"

Sanguinius: "Name a female character from any BL book - any of them"

Fulgrim: "What? All of them?"

Sanguinius: "Except the ugly ones"

Fulgrim: "Oh ... well that's all right then ... I've told you, I've told all of us - I'm not having any brother of mine marrying an ugly bird. They all have to be per-"

Sanguinius: "Perfect. We know. That's why most of us haven't married. That, and most women just can't handle us"

Mortarion: "Lorgar's married"

Sanguinius: "To a Dark Eldar Wych. Look how that's turned out. She keeps him on a leash so tight it's amazing he even gets the luxury of independent thought"

Mortarion: "I think you're just afraid to comit"

Sanguinius: "I am not afraid to comit! I am not!" Mortarion rolls his eyes. "All right! To prove to you how not afraid I am to comit, I shall find a good woman for myself and marry her!"

Mortarion: "What? Now?"

Sanguinius: "Yes! Now!"

Mortarion points to the two Daemonettes.

Sanguinius: "Why not? You there"

Ev'rii: "Who? Me? I'm sorry ... I like you ... you're sexy and all that ... but Mort's s ... so ... in touch with his emotions"

Sanguinius: "What? Oh ... OK ... how about you?"

Ka'ndii: "Sorry, I prefer handsome over there" She points at Fulgrim, who smiles smugly.

Sanguinius: "This seriously isn't helping my case ... fine then. Know anyone Malekith?"

Malekith: "Well ..."

The doors burst open, and two lithe Elven women spiral through, swords in hand.

Naestra: "Malekith! We've found you!"

Arahan: "Prepare to face judgement!"

Naestra: "For the sins you've commited!"

Arahan: "Against the forest!"

Malekith: "... them?"

Sanguinius: "Excellent! I'll take both!"

Mephiston: "Let us share them equally my Lord!"All turn to regard the new speaker, standing on the balcony radiating sheer AWESOMENESS and vast amounts of WIN. Sheer energy crackles off of him, and none who gaze upon his perfect form can doubt how EPIC this guy is-

Fulgrim: "All right, that's enough descriptive text. What are you, in love with this guy or something?"

I just think Mephiston's an awesome character ... wish Ahriman was as good as him ... sniff

Fulgrim: Rolls his eyes.

Sanguinius: "So you are the one called Mephiston - Lord of Death! Nice name"

Mephiston: "Thank you my Lord!"

Sanguinius: "Nicer stats ... bloody hell you're practically a Primarch!"

Mephiston: "'tis but a mere White Dwarf Chapter Approved article ..."

Sanguinius: "Screw that - finally someone I can consider an equal!"

Naestra & Arahan: Clear their throats simultaneously.

Sanguinius: "So which one? The blonde, or the brunette?"

Mephiston: "Well ..."

Naestra: "No one is taking us anywhere!"

Arahan: "Unless they're cute ..."

Naestra: "What?"

Arahan: "Well ..."

Naestra: "Sister ... we agreed that the mission takes priority ..."

Arahan: "Screw the mission - I've haven't got laid in ages!"

Naestra: "Sister ..."

Sanguinius: "You heard the lady! Glad I rented that extra room ..."

Malekith: "What about my problem?"

Sanguinius: "Screw your problems - I'm getting some!" Wraps an arm around Arahan. "So ... from WFB as well?"

Arahan: "Wood Elf"

Sanguinius: "The fiesty kind ... I like that ..."

They wander off, leaving the rest in a state of mild amusement. Except Malekith.

Malekith: "The winged ****** ..."

Mortarion: "Yeah ... he did that to my girlfriends as well ..."

Fulgrim: "That probably explains your mental state ... but you've got her-" He nods at Ev'rii. "-now, so cheer up emo kid"

Mortarion: "Yeah ... happiness ... "

Naestra: "Whatever - Malekith! By the will of Ariel I shall-"

Mephiston: "Transfixing Gaze ... that's not a good idea, my dear ..."

Naestra: Transfixed. "That's ... not ... a good ... idea"

Mephiston: "Let us retire to another room"

Naestra: "Yes ... lets"

Mephiston guides her away out of the room ...

Fulgrim: "Now that's from the Asdrubael Vect school of seduction ..."

Malekith: "Think I prefer that kind"

Fulgrim: "You would"