SUMMARY: It's the worst Christmas ever at Gwen & Rhys' flat. Come join the hilarity of a drunken, stoner, naked, burning down the house kind of evening.
RATING: Chapter 35 - T/M It's Christmas with Jack after all. Alcohol and drug use, Strip Trivial Pursuit, sexy underwear (pictures at my home page), language.
The Team's Christmas Undies may be found at my home page; a link is on my profile page. Look for the entry: It was the Worst of Times - Really nothing worse than you'd see in a Victoria's Secret ad. It's just showing Tosh and Gwen's secrets instead. Let me know what you think!
Title from: "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times." Dicken's, A Tale of Two Cities.
What? You were expecting "God bless us everyone?"
Authors Note: We are going even more AU in this Chapter in terms of timelines. In the TV series, Gwen and Rhys' engagement happens sometime while Jack is AWOL. That would be sometime between February and May of 2007. This is Christmas of 2006. And Jack will go AWOL, but not until after the First Anniversary of Canary Wharf (June 2007).
And don't be making fun of the artwork - it's Christmas, and it's the thought that counts, right???
******
Christmas dinner at Gwen and Rhys' was set for 2 PM. As Rhys' mother, Brenda had arrived the previous afternoon, things got off to a rocky start. She had spent Christmas Eve sniping at Gwen until Gwen thought that either her head would explode or she might kill her future mother-in-law.
When Rhys announced that he and Gwen were officially engaged, Brenda replied with her usual aplomb. "Gwen, dear, I'm so glad you and Rhys are finally getting married. I was sure that you were going to get knocked up and force Rhys to marry you. You're not pregnant are you? Not that I'm not looking forward to lots of grandchildren, and with hips like yours, you were made for having babies."
Gwen gritted her teeth. 'Thirty-six hours, I just have to survive the next thirty-six hours and then the old cow will be out of our lives until the wedding.'
Brenda was up at 6 AM on Christmas Day. She made so much noise rummaging through the kitchen, that Gwen & Rhys had no choice but to get up. Rhys grumbled, "You'd think she's give us a little peace and quiet…we'd better get up or she'll be going through our bankbooks next."
They stumbled into the kitchen to find Brenda staring into their refrigerator with distaste. "Where's the duck?"
"Well, Brenda, you may recall that last year you were concerned about the duck, so we thought we'd go with a nice roast beef this year instead."
Brenda shook her head in obvious disgust. "It's a Williams tradition to have duck at Christmas. You know Gwen, if you are going to be joining our family, you really are going to have to learn to adopt our ways."
Gwen couldn't help but wonder if there might be a Williams family tradition of matricide. Rhys knew that they had a long day ahead of them, so tried to smooth things over. "The roast beef was my idea, so if you want to be mad you'll have to be mad at me."
Brenda huffed, "I knew she'd force all these Southern Welsh customs on you. Why you didn't marry that lovely girl Tegwan you were so found of I'll never understand."
Rhys lost it completely. "Mum, Tegwan was my girlfriend when I was twelve years old! Its time you accepted that Gwen is going to be my wife and keep a civil tongue in your head!"
Brenda looked shocked. "I'm just a concerned mother, Rhys; I only want the best for you. There's no reason for you to be so mean to me…on Christmas yet." She dabbed at her eyes with tissue for a dramatic effect.
Gwen really didn't want to dial into what she thought of as the Brenda channel – all about Brenda, all the time. "Since the company will be here at two, why don't we open our presents now." Brenda was actually agreeable to that suggestion.
"Mum, you haven't commented, but I gave Gwen her engagement ring last week."
Brenda sighed, "Let me see…" The ring was lovely with a single one carat square cut diamond set in platinum. She looked directly at Gwen, "a little gaudy don't you think."
Gwen bit back a smile. Her future mother-in-law had arrived yesterday in a sparkly gold jumpsuit. She couldn't wait to see what she had planned to wear to today's dinner.
"Well, I think it's beautiful," Rhys interjected, "and I picked it out for the most beautiful woman in the world." He smiled at Gwen and gave her a kiss. "And we decided to take the money we would normally spend on each other for Christmas and save it for our wedding." Brenda looked like she might get physically ill.
Brenda opened her presents from Gwen and Rhys. Naturally, she had a criticism about each item. "Oh, this scarf will never hold up, it will have to be exchanged for something more practical. I don't wear flannel pajamas, they're too warm. Toffee gets stuck in my dentures; you might as well keep it. An umbrella! Now that I can use, but the color is awful…"
Gwen knew this routine well. She smiled at Brenda and handed her an envelope with the receipts for all the items. "Well, here are the receipts so you shouldn't have any trouble exchanging them. You know Brenda, would you prefer we get you a Howell's gift card next year? That way you can just get what you like."
Brenda looked horrified. "Why that's so impersonal. I can't believe you would suggest that!" She handed over several packages to Rhys and a small envelope to Gwen.
Gwen said that Rhys should open his presents first. He received a lovely Burberry cashmere trainer in gray, a Tumi wallet and a box of chocolates from Harrods.
"Thank you Mum, they're all lovely," Rhys said sincerely. He got up and gave his mother a big kiss.
Gwen opened her envelope and found a £20 gift card to Waterstone's book store. "Speaking of impersonal…" Gwen began.
"Oh you are just too difficult to shop for," Benda interrupted. "I was thinking you could use it to buy some practical books on cooking and house decorating. Goodness knows, you obviously need improvement in those areas."
"You know Mum, why don't you turn on the telly, Gwen and I need to start getting ready for our guests. They'll be here at two and we have a lot to do."
Gwen and Rhys went into the kitchen. Gwen was seething with anger. She started to pull out pots and pans letting them clatter noisily. Rhys took her in his arms and whispered "Yeah, your right, she is an old bat, but she's the only mother I've got."
Gwen whispered back. "What I can't understand is how a wonderful man like you came out of her home."
"My father, may he rest in peace, was a saint, truly a saint. I'll go set the table, OK?"
Out in the lounge, Brenda smiled to herself. The day was going perfectly.
***
By 2 PM everyone was ready for Jack and Tosh to arrive. Gwen had changed into black silk pants and a sheer red silk top. Rhys had on black pants and shirt with a dark green trainer. Brenda had on faux velvet pants and a trainer with a sequined Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer on it. 'Oh duw, the nose actually blinks,' Gwen mused.
The roast was in the oven along with browned potatoes, giving the whole flat a heavenly smell. They had salad prepared and the rolls and peas and carrots could be warmed up in the microwave just before they were served. The prawns and cucumbers on toast were arranged artfully on trays. The table was set with an ivory antique lace tablecloth and beautiful bone china that Gwen had inherited from her grandmother. Silver candlesticks with long red tapers were in the center of the table. Brenda cast a critical eye at the table and had to admit it looked quite nice...except for the space where a proper centerpiece should be.
"Rhys, that's a lovely job you did on the table. Did you forget the centerpiece darling?"
"No mum, Tosh is bringing one. And Jack is bringing the wine."
"Tosh, that's not Welsh, is it? Is it even English?"
Gwen thought 'here we go.' "Tosh is short for Toshiko. Her family is originally from Japan."
"Well I hope she speaks decent English, I'd hate to have to listen to that foreign gibberish all evening."
Gwen and Rhys both rolled their eyes. 'Its 2:10,' Gwen thought, 'where the hell are Jack and Tosh?' Rhys smiled, "Well, I think she does, seeing she was born in England, attended Oxford and Cambridge and has advanced degrees in medicine and computers."
"Oh, those Orientals are such a bunch of overachievers," Brenda remarked. "Now Jack's your boss, right Gwen?" Gwen nodded. "Please tell me he's a proper Englishman."
Gwen and Rhys burst out laughing. "Oi, he's anything but," Rhys snarked. He's an American and proper is not a word you would use in the same sentence as Captain Jack Harkness."
As if on cue, the doorbell to the flat rang. Rhys buzzed Jack and Tosh into the lobby of their building. Moments later there was a knock on the door . Jack and Tosh came into the flat laughing. "Sorry we're late, we had a little car trouble on the way over," Jack explained. He dropped his voice and whispered, "We had a call for another weevil in the same park from the other night. We drove over, and I zapped it. Twice. It's in the boot of the SUV, but I don't think it will be waking up anytime soon."
Jack kissed Gwen on the cheek and shook Rhys' hand. Loudly Jack announced, "You both look fabulous…and is that roast beef I smell; I'm in heaven. I hope you don't mind that I brought some wine," he said handing over three very expensive bottles of Shiraz to Rhys. "And Ianto got a present of chocolate brownies from Stephen, The Brigadier's son, but apparently there's rum in them so he didn't want to take them to where there were children. He asked me to give these to you and to warn you to watch out because apparently Stephen is a bit of a lush."
"Wine and rum brownies, perfect!" snarked Gwen.
Rhys dropped his voice. "Yeah I have a feeling that we may all do a bit of heavy drinking tonight, Mum's in rare form."
They all turned and looked at Rhys' mother sitting on the couch looking quite put out. Jack winked at everyone and walked over to her. "And who is the gorgeous lady Gwen? You didn't tell me your sister was coming for Christmas." Brenda raised her hand to shake Jack's, but instead he kissed her hand and gave her his patented thousand watt smile. Brenda flushed, "Oh you can call me Brenda, I insist." She looked at Jack closely thinking, 'well he might be a bit younger than me, but surely not that much younger. And trouser braces, I haven't seen a man wearing those in years. Very sexy."
Tosh gave the centerpiece to Gwen and walked over to greet Brenda. "How do you do, Mrs. Williams, it's a pleasure to meet you. I just adore your sweater." Brenda was amazed how well spoken Tosh was. Given what Rhys and Gwen had said earlier about Brenda Tosh wanted to make sure that Brenda wouldn't be able to criticize her manner of speaking.
'Such a polite young lady, and look at how tastefully she's dressed, unlike my future daughter-in-law,' Brenda observed. Tosh was wearing a tea length red jersey dress. While it wasn't overly tight, Rhys couldn't help admiring how well the dress accentuated what he thought of as Tosh's best bits.
Tosh whispered, "Rhys, stop staring at my boobs, that's so rude. It's something I'd expect from Jack, but not you." Rhys at least had the decency to look embarrassed.
"Well looking's fine, Mr. Williams, but no touching," Gwen warned.
"But where's the fun in that?" Jack laughed. Brenda had come over to join the conversation but they were all talking so quickly that she was having trouble keeping up.
"Gwen, be a darling and get me a drink will you." Gwen was happy to do so. Maybe they could get Brenda drunk enough that she'd find out something about her that she could hold over her head for the next oh, twenty or so years.
"We're having prawn and cucumber appetizers, so what's everyone want to drink. I have a bottle of Pinot Grigio if anyone's interested." Gwen, Tosh and Rhys opted for that, while Brenda asked if they could make her a martini. Jack said he'd just have water.
Gwen and Rhys went back into the kitchen to get the food and drinks. "A martini? You're mother wants a bloody martini! What does she think we are, a restaurant?"
"Relax," Rhys assured her, "she likes her martinis so dry that they are really just straight gin. And I do think we have a bottle of that around here somewhere. He searched in some seldom used cabinets and found an old half full bottle of cheap gin. "This ought to be just fine."
Gwen got out a large tumbler, put some ice in and filled it two thirds full of gin.
"Oi, are you trying to kill my Mum?"
"If I said yes, would you be upset?" They both sniggered.
They brought out the drinks and appetizers for everyone to enjoy in the lounge. Brenda stared at her glass. "Oh, I'm so sorry Brenda, we don't have any proper martini glasses, so I hope that will be OK," Gwen gushed. Brenda shrugged and took a rather large gulp.
Rhys stood up. "I'd like to propose a toast. To all our family and friends whether here in Cardiff or in distant lands, we wish them all a Christmas of joy, and a healthy and happy New Year. Cheers."
After a few drinks everyone was feeling a lot more at ease. Jack flirted outrageously with Brenda, complimenting her hair and her clothes and laughing at her very boring and tedious stories. She was so taken by Jack that she virtually ignored Gwen, Rhys and Tosh, much to their delight.
Just as Gwen was going to ask everyone to be seated at the dining room table, Brenda noticed the time. "Oh Gwen, we must hear The Queen's speech first," she said turning on the television.
'Oh no you don't,' thought Gwen, 'you're not ruining this dinner. Good thing the roast is supposed to 'rest' before its cut.' She went and took the roast out of the oven. She cut into the center and saw that it was perfect, pink in the center and warm. 'Have a nap you little cow, while we deal with the big cow in the lounge.'
As expected, The Queen was reviewing the year gone by. When she mentioned the dedication of the troops in Afghanistan, everyone nodded in approval. But just like at Rhiannon's house, they were very surprised when she made her remarks concerning the survivors of Canary Wharf.
"Shit," Jack said, "I hope Ianto's OK."
Rhys thought about what The Queen had said. "I wouldn't worry too much, Jack, they didn't show any pictures and Owen's with him at Rhiannon's, right?" Jack nodded. "And I'm sure that Owen would call if anything serious happened."
Jack knew that Rhys was probably right, but he also knew he was going to call Owen when he got back to the Hub to make sure that everything was alright.
Dinner got off to a good start. Gwen served the salads and then Rhys brought the roast out on a large platter. Gwen followed behind with the rolls and vegetables. Everyone commented on how wonderful the roast looked and smelled. Everyone, except Brenda of course.
Rhys began to carve the roast. "Ok, who likes well done." Tosh and Brenda said they did. He cut slices from the end for them. He then cut the roast in the middle and started to serve up nice pink slices to Jack and Gwen. Brenda was appalled. "That's not even cooked! They'll end up with Mad Cow disease. Jack don't eat that, you'll get sick! Rhys, if you eat that beef, I will cry, I swear I will."
Rhys cut a small piece off and stuffed it in his mouth. "Oi, can't wait to meet the Grim Reaper," he snarked. Brenda did her pretend crying again and Jack pretended to be sympathetic.
"You know, you try to raise them right, but sometimes you just have to throw in the towel. Here have some more wine." Brenda took the wine but did not seem mollified. Gwen, Rhys and Tosh snickered. They all thought that Jack's statement might have made a bigger impact if his mouth wasn't stuffed with too much roast beef.
"That's a good one Jack, you talking about other people's table manners."
Tosh and Gwen were laughing so hard that they were crying. "Duw, Rhys, you should talk. No in fact you shouldn't. Talk about too much food." Rhys suddenly realized that he had been talking with just as much food in his mouth as Jack. He started to laugh as well.
By the time they got to dessert, they were just finishing up the last bottle of wine. Gwen had made a gingerbread spice cake and had a plate of Christmas cookies as well. She brought out the tin of brownies repeating Jack's warnings about the rum.
"Oh hell," Rhys said as he grabbed one, "the more I drink, the more I'm enjoying tonight." Everyone agreed. They each had one brownie as well as the cake except for Jack. Jack had a small slice of cake, but ate at least three brownies before anyone noticed.
"Oi, these brownies are terrific! Only problem is the more I eat, the more I want to eat. Got anything salty like crisps?"
They all stopped for a moment, and then began to laugh again. "Jack, sweetheart," Gwen queried, "Did Ianto tell you specifically that the brownies had rum in them?"
"Well no," Jack replied exhaling brownie crumbs as he spoke, "the note from Stephen said they were only for adults…so we just assumed…Oh they're not, are they?"
Tosh was wiping tears off her cheeks. "Speaking as a medical authority, I'm pretty sure you just consumed three hash brownies. This is going to make the game playing after dinner even more interesting than we thought."
Brenda had no idea what they were talking about, but she really didn't care. She took another brownie. "You know Gwen, I don't think I give you enough credit. Your cake was fantastic. And these brownies, you must give me the recipe."
"Oi Jack, now you've gone and got my Mum stoned."
"You say that like it's a bad thing," Jack snarked. "Anyone up for some Naked Trivial Pursuit?"
"I thought we agreed on Strip Trivial Pursuit; I wore my Christmas undies just for you," Tosh gasped and covered her mouth. "Did I just say that?"
"Just one problem, I really don't want Mum to get naked."
"I can get as naked as the next person," Brenda retorted. "I'm not one bit ashamed of my body."
"Fine by me," Jack announced.
They played for a while, and soon everyone had missed a few questions. Tosh and Gwen and Brenda cleverly removed an earring or a ring as they made mistakes. Jack removed his braces and his watch while Rhys had lost his socks, belt and sweater.
Just as things were getting a little dicey for Rhys they hear a loud bang from the outside. They ran to the window and saw that the boot of the SUV was open.
"Oh no, the weevil's on the loose!"
"Tosh, you stay here with Brenda; Gwen you grab the brownies, Rhys get the rest of that gin and let's go," Jack shouted as he ran for the door.
They ran down the stairs to the lobby and headed outside. Surprisingly, the weevil was wandering around the street a little disoriented. "That second stun must have really put it out of sorts," Rhys observed.
"Yeah, well let's not too cocky. You both stay here and make sure no one sees it. I'll see if I can drug it with the gin and the brownies."
"Why don't you just stun it with the gun from the SUV."
"Because the keys to the SUV are in my coat pocket, upstairs in your flat."
I've been redeemed," shouted Rhys. "The great Jack Harkness has lost the car keys. My Christmas wish has come true."
"Will you shut up," Gwen hissed, "you're going to attract the entire neighborhood."
Jack grabbed the gin and the brownies and approached the weevil. The weevil looked dazed and confused. "Hey big guy, its Christmas, how about a little Christmas cheer?" He tossed a brownie to the weevil. The weevil picked it up eyeing it suspiciously. He sniffed the brownie and stuck his tongue out tentatively to taste it.
The weevil ate the brownie in two bites. He grunted, hopped around a bit, and belched loudly. 'Talk about bad table manners, he could win the gold medal,' Jack thought.
"Yeah, big guy, here are some more." he said laying the tin on the roof of the SUV.
"And you'll need something to wash them down with, right," he said putting the gin bottle next to the tin.
The weevil began to devour the brownies. After eating almost a dozen more, he looked curiously at the bottle. Jack had taken the top off so the weevil would have easy access to the gin. He sniffed the bottle for a bit and tried to stick his tongue into the bottle. Though the weevil's tongue was disgustingly long, he couldn't reach the liquid inside. Jack motioned that he should hold the bottle up and tilt it into his mouth. The weevil watched as he repeated the motion and then took the bottle and did exactly as Jack had demonstrated.
As he got his first taste of gin, he sputtered a little but continued to drink until the bottle was empty. "Come on, pass out already, I really don't want to have to shoot you." The weevil began to stagger.
Gwen and Rhys ran up to Jack. "There are some carolers coming down the street, we better get him out of here." Fortunately, the weevil was now holding onto a lamppost to keep from falling. "Hell, let's grab him and get him into the flat and truss him up somehow."
In the back of his mind, Jack sensed that this was not a good idea. But it was Christmas and they were playing strip Trivial Pursuit, and there was still a chance for naked or nearly naked Tosh and Gwen. No way was he going to miss that for a silly old weevil.
Jack and Rhys grabbed the weevil under its arms and began to drag it toward the lobby. The weevil wasn't helping at all and let its feet drag along the walkway.
The carolers approached. "How about a few songs mates," Jack and Rhys ignored them and dragged the weevil further along. "Hey is he OK, do you need some help?"
Fortunately, the carolers were seeing the weevil from the back so it looked like they were dragging a very large person into the lobby. Gwen stood between them and the weevil obstructing their view.
"No that's OK," Gwen replied, "Uncle Fester just had a little too much Christmas cheer, that's all."
Another caroler commented on how hairy their Uncle was. "Oi," Gwen retorted, "my uncle has a hormone condition, poor fellow. Making fun of the medically challenged on Christmas, you should be ashamed." The carolers slunk away embarrassed.
"Quick, get him to the lift and let's get him into your flat before anyone else sees."
They knocked on the flat door and Tosh opened it and shrieked. "Oh my god, I don't believe it."
"Just let us in, will ya," Jack demanded, "before anyone sees us."
They got the weevil inside the flat and sat it on the couch. It immediately fell over and started snoring.
"OK, now where were we," Jack enquired.
Brenda finally noticed the weevil. "My goodness, what is that?"
"Oh it's some poor drunk homeless guy who was trying to break into the boot of Jack's SUV. We'll just let him sleep it off and then take him to the homeless shelter."
"You should call the police," Brenda insisted.
"Mum, its Christmas, come on." Brenda gave in, but she still felt that any guy that ugly belonged locked up. Gwen cajoled Brenda in sitting next to the slumped over weevil on the pretext of wanted to clear the table. She slipped her cell phone out and surreptitiously took a few photos. 'Got you, you old hag, we'll see how much trouble you give me in the future after seeing these pictures.'
Once the table was cleared, they continued on playing as the weevil snored. "His snores are beginning to annoy me," Gwen informed everyone, "so I'm going to put some Christmas music on."
They sat around the game board for almost another hour, singing along with the Christmas music and losing more pieces of clothing. Tosh excused herself to go to the bathroom and realized that she was wearing only her candy cane striped bra and panties. Something was very wrong about this, but she couldn't figure out what it was. She pulled out her cell phone and called Owen. She told Owen that something strange was happening at the Christmas party. Half way through the call she pictured Owen and Ianto showing up and seeing them all half naked and began to laugh hysterically. "Got to go Owen, bye," she said disconnecting the call.
She went back to the game and Gwen asked her if she was talking to anyone. Tosh couldn't seem to remember. "Don't think so. Hey am I going to be the only one sitting here in my underwear?"
Everyone laughed. She looked around and realized that except for Brenda, they were all practically naked. Jack and Rhys were down to their green Christmas boxer shorts and Gwen was sitting in a red and white fur trimmed camisole and her black pants. Brenda had only taken her numerous rings, other jewelry, and her shoes and socks off.
At her request, Jack and Rhys modeled their boxers for the women. Rhys' had 'Naughty Side' on the front and 'Nice Side' on the back. Tosh thought that he might have them on backwards, but her head was too fuzzy to determine why that might be. Jack's boxers had a picture Santa on the front and 'You're Still on the Naughty List' on the back.
"How come she still has her clothes on?," Tosh pouted pointing at Brenda.
"Cause I have the most jewelry and I've missed fewer questions.," Brenda said haughtily.
"And Jack keeps giving her the answers."
"So why does Jack have almost all his clothes off...oi, why did I even ask that?" Tosh giggled.
The next question was Jack's. It was an easy one but they all knew he was going to miss it on purpose. And Jack did not disappoint. He whipped off his boxers to reveal…
Everyone, including the weevil screamed!!
OH MY! WHAT'S JACK GOT UNDER HIS BOXERS?? THE ANSWER TO THIS QUESTION AS WELL AS MORE FUN AND DEBAUCHERY WILL BE FOUND IN THE WORST CHRISTMAS EVER, PART II.(Yeah, I know, I'm getting coal in my stocking this year)