A/N: #1 thank you EVERYONE for all the reviews. It felt amazing to open my email and see that I had so many new reviews and readers. #2 this chapter was a lil weird for me to write b/c it's Jordan just reading the letters that Paige wrote so I had to sort of write from Paige's POV. There's a reason why I write from Jordan's. because I ALWAYS know what Jordan is thinking. Anyway, ENJOY!
Disclaimer: I do not own Degrassi or it's characters. but I do have my own radio show on WGMU =) *yes, I just plugged my radio show. I Love the 90s with Monet on WGMUradio . com
June 2006
Dear Alex,
It's weird that I'm doing this but I am. Someone once told me that if there's something bottled up instead of you and that you feel the need to let it out then write it. I'm pretty sure Jordan told me that. Anyway, I'm writing a letter that I know I will never give you but by writing this letter I'm expressing feelings that I can no longer keep to myself.
Lexie, I miss you. Honestly last month I imagined us being on a beach right now drinking lemonade. My lemonade would be pink of course. We'd be on the beach with Jordan and Beth, just hanging out. You'd say something in your squeaky voice that would make me laugh and I would say something witty. Jordan would make a smart ass comment while Beth either laughs or scolds her for it. But all in all we'd be together this summer.
You'd be helping me dorm room shopping, telling me that not everything can be in pink and then I'd argue that pink looks good in everything. We'd take road trips and maybe hit another amusement park like we did over Spring Break. There'd be a scary terrifying rollercoaster that you would somehow convince me to ride and I would be holding on to your hand for dear life. We'd play miniature golf against Jordan and Beth and try to beat them but since I'm such a horrible player we'd lose but still have fun.
But things don't turn out like we plan. People don't stay together. I know you said you needed to figure out your life on your own time table but why couldn't I help? I could've helped you figure things out, not just for you but for us. Because in my mind there would be an 'us'. But there's no 'us' now and I guess that's all that really matters. I just wish there was.
Love, Paige
November 2006
Dear Alex,
I love you too. There I said it… Well I wrote it. I wrote something that I wish I could have said to you. Something I wish I could just gain the courage for and say it. I wish I could forget what my parents would think, what the world would think and tell you how I really feel. I love you Alex, I love you.
Love, Paige
December 2006
Dear Alex,
Here I am writing, once again. Writing something I should be able to say but I can't in fear that we'll get into another argument.
Lexie, I hate what you're doing. I hate that you feel the need to do this. I hate that you won't let me help you. I hate that you care more about your stupid pride than our relationship. Can't you see that you having this job is killing me? Killing us!
You were right before about me not getting it. I don't get how you can do something do degrading when I can help you. That's what couples do in relationships Alex, they HELP each other. And I want us to have a future Alex, I do but we can't have a future if you keep doing what you're doing. I refuse to stay up late every night worry about you Alex. It's not fair to me and it's not fair for us. I love you Alex, but I don't love your job and if your job is going to be part of you then I'm sorry but I can't do this.
Love, Paige
January 2007
Dear Alex,
You just left. Correction, I just kicked you out. I feel… I don't really know how I feel to be honest. You were right before, this feels/sounds like cough syrup. Except, I don't think I need this cough syrup. I think this is the nasty cough syrup that adults make you take because THEY think it'll make you feel better but in actuality it won't. This cough syrup will only make me choke on its nasty contents and won't make me feel better at all. In fact it's going to make me worse and worse until I can feel no more.
Just know that I didn't kick you out because I don't love you anymore, I just think this decision will be best for the both of us in the long run. And if we're really meant to be then fate will put us back together.
Love, Paige
March 2007
Dear Alex, March 2007
I met someone today. Well I didn't actually meet him because he lives with me but… I think I've fallen for him but yet I can't help but think about you and what you're doing in Florida. But you've probably moved on with your life so I need to move on with mine.
-Paige
June 2007
Dear Alex,
I wonder how many of these "letters" I'm going to write. Especially since you will not receive any of them.
I didn't choose Griffin because he's a guy and I didn't kick you out because you're a girl. Our situation was different. We both know that at the time we weren't right for each other. But Griffin and I… Griffin made a mistake and he apologized for it. And he's really sweet and kind and smart.
I'm not saying you're none of those things. You are all of those things and so much more Lexie. You're the girl that showed me what kind of person I could be. You're the girl that showed me that I didn't have to follow society or my parents' standards in order to love. You showed me that I shouldn't judge a book by its cover and you showed people that I was more than just the Queen Bee. You did that Alex, no one else.
-Paige
July 2007
Dear Alex,
I hate your girlfriend. She's a bitch. That's all
-Paige
December 2007
Dear Alex,
I don't know what happened. I don't know how I got here, how WE got here. I just… I wanted to prove that I'm not a screw up. That I'm more than just a Banting drop out. That I'm more than some girl who use to rule Degrassi. That I could succeed after high school. I wanted to prove myself to me, my friends, the world, and you.
I want you to know that I was out of line what I said that night. It's none of my business whether you talk to your mom or not and it's great that the Johnsons' are adopting you, they've always loved you.
I don't think I can apologize enough for what I said, especially to you and Jordan. I was a bitch. I was a roaring bitch. I wanted to hurt you because you had just rejected me, but that was wrong. And I shouldn't have tried to kiss you. I knew you were in a relationship, but I didn't care. All I cared about was what I wanted and that was you. And I still want you Alex. I still want to be with you. I want to be the one that gets to hold your hand. I want to come out to my parents and tell them that I'm with you that you have my heart and that I have yours. I want so many things but I can't have them. I can't have the things that I want because of the things that I've done. But I hope Lexie, I hope that one day you'll be able to forgive me. I hope that one day when I look into your eyes I'll see the spark that you use to have for me back in the good days and not the hatred you have in them for me now. I hope one day…
I'm sorry for breaking your heart Alex and I'm sorry for being a bitch to you. Because out of everyone you deserved it the least.
Love, Paige.