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Fifty Ways to Annoy the Soutaicho

Pipidae

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Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach. Nor do I own this idea. It was all Kirani56's idea, and I'll love her forever for letting me use it in Bleach. In fact, if you love Danny Phantom, you should go read 52 Ways to Annoy Vlad. It's fantastic. (:

A/N: Sooo, you guys. Guess what? I'm getting better and better at updating on time! ::bows:: Thank you, thank you. I won't bore you with another ridiculously long A/N. Just one thing to mention: if you happen to be a Phan, please go vote on the poll in my bio. It would mean a ton to me. If you're not sure if you are a Phan, you're probably not.

Dedicated to RavenWingDark for this fabulous idea…sorta…

33. Use your natural stupidity.

Yamamoto never liked eavesdropping. Relations between the officers of Seireitei should be built on trust and mutual understanding and other such flouncy crap, in his mind. Eavesdropping, therefore, was a break of that confidence. He should have had enough conviction towards the soldiers of Soul Society that any intrusion on their conversations would not have been an intrusion at all, but rather a welcome gesture of camaraderie. Yet there he kneeled, ear pressed to a glass cup firmly glued to the wooden door that, it seemed, all of Seireitei currently his behind.

By Urahara's hat, he grumbled silently, it's not enough to hear only this much.

And indeed it wasn't. The bits and pieces of conversation that were funneled into his wizened ear by the small drinking glass gave him little to no information at all.

"Hollows…" "Attack plan alpha sev-" "Ballroom dancing!"

Wait, no. That had to be wrong.

And what on earth was this attack plan?

Yamamoto should have never questioned it.

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It happened later that night. Seventeen dark-suited figures practically flew through his office window, landing in a practiced battle formation in front of his desk. The soutaicho barely had to glance at them to figure out who they were. Who else would act that ridiculously other than his old friends Agents Double-O-Pineapple, Strawberry, Kitty, Jiggles, Midget, Feathers, and Squeaky. For some reason, however, they had been joined by ten new faces. Yamamoto would later learn their names as Braids, Smiley, Noble, Fluffy, Pinky, Frosty, Crazy, Creepy, Sickly, and Ugly. He resisted the temptation to call them by their usual names, having long since discovered the consequences of such action.

Yamamoto stood up from his chair, still not looking at the agents gathered before him.

"Agent Commander Wrinkles-" Strawberry began, but Wrinkles cut him off with a lazy wave of his hand.

"We will attend to the mission in a moment. I need my sunglasses to begin."

Solemnly, Double-O-Pineapple handed the sacred sunglasses to the commander. Donning them majestically, the old man surveyed his forces.

Good grief. What have I gotten myself into?

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Once they entered the field outside Seireitei, however, Wrinkles soon learned that his position as Agent-Commander was honorary; it appeared that during missions, Strawberry and Double-O-Pineapple were the true leaders. Wrinkles didn't really mind. He never really knew what was going on anyway. He mostly joined the eccentric group to avoid unpleasantness, much of which he was sure would involve Yachiru, sugar, and a chainsaw.

"Attack Plan Alpha Seventeen-teen begins now!" Strawberry shouted, pacing in front of the amassed agents. "The eight members of Squad Uno will begin the attack with the Putple-Tutu-Power-Force-Attack. Squad Dos will follow us up with the Giant Pink Pig. Agent Fluffy will lead that team." To the right, a large anthropomorphic wolf wearing sunglasses and an ill-fitting suit nodded gravely. "On my signal!" cried Double-O-Pineapple, holding up a odd-shaped whistle. It looked a bit like a…bird? With a mighty intake of breath, the tall redheaded agent brought the device to his lips and blew, resulting in an obnoxious duck sound. Immediately, the agents scattered, half going one way and the rest another. To be safe, Yamamoto followed after the group headed by Agent Fluffy, but Agent Noble turned him back.

"You are meant to go with Squad Uno, Agent Commander Wrinkles. We appreciate your concern for Squad Dos, but you are more needed there."

"I, uh…knew that." Yamamoto stuttered weakly. "I was testing your intelligence. "

Noble nodded, his face entirely straight. "A wise move for our wise leader." In a flash he was gone.

Yamamoto turned on his heel and scurried after the other group of secret agents. By the time he had caught up, he realized they had all gone through another costume change. This time, each agent sported a purple ballerina's outfit adorned with sequins and rhinestones. Deadpan, Jiggles tossed yet another hideous outfit at the soutaicho. "Change quickly!"

Yamamoto intended to refuse, but at that moment, Strawberry off-handedly mentioned the possibility of an appearance by a so-called "Agent Cookie." The soutaicho took no time donning the purple tutu after that.

Soon, all eight agents of Squad Uno were headed in the direction of a particularly large source of reiatsu.

"Agents-GO!" yelled Strawberry and Double-O-Pineapple simultaneously. At once, the seven agents who were actually aware of the situation leapt into action…only to perform a mid-air version of Swan Lake. Yamamoto buried his face in his hands. Good lord. There is no way possible that this will defeat a hollow.

Indeed, the hollow seemed to be shaking with mirth rather than with fear. Nonetheless, the seven tutu-clad agents continued their ballet, unshaken by the lack of hollow demise.

At that moment, ten new agents burst out into view, all riding…pigs? At the head of the formation rode Agent Ugly, who was screaming, "Go, Bonnie-chan, GO!" into the wind. The hollow, distracted by the ridiculous entertainment in front of him, never noticed when ten pig-borne gunmen took him out.

…

Still recovering several hours later, Yamamoto suddenly realized the moral of the story. Never underestimate the value of Ichigo and Renji in tutus.

What can I say? I adore the Secret Agents. Sure hope you guys like to read them as much as I love to write them.