Baby-Kabuto had kidnapped Byakuran.
Naruto tried not to think of the happenings—read: unspeakable horrors—that were taking place behind the sealed doors of Baby-Kabuto's private lab in the name of science. Instead, he sent a silent prayer for the brat's questionable sanity (and maybe his virtue) and occupied himself with thoughts of Scaredy-Cat and his dream team of snot-nosed brats.
As much as it would have made sense to jump right in and take over, Naruto was hesitant on this course of action for one important reason. Scaredy-Cat needed this—needed to be challenged, to strengthen his bonds and unite his family, if he were to ever both grow as a person and a leader of men, to gain perspective through blood, sweat, and tears. Fighting side-by-side with your comrades for the survival of the world against insurmountable odds? Those were the best kind of life lessons, Naruto knew from firsthand experience. They'd done him a world of good when he'd been a snot-nosed brat with dreams larger than life and his mouth writing checks his braggart ass couldn't cash. It had taken that bastard Sasuke calling him a scaredy-cat after he'd gotten his ass handed to him on their way to Wave for Naruto to man up, get his shit together, and go on to create his nindō. Naruto thought that was exactly what this kid needed.
Oddly enough, when he presented his case once Baby-Kabuto finally emerged from his lab with a mildly-violated-looking Byakuran in dire need of some marshmallow comfort, Espresso-Maniac was the first to voice his agreement. He was also only too happy to substitute for Shamal when the pervert begged off coming on account of being too sexy for your bullshit, Volpe.
Thus it was decided they would aim for arriving somewhere in the middle of this future shit-show.
A month later, Konoha (plus Espresso-Maniac) departed from their world in a flash of light and space-time fuckery.
With one extra passenger.
(Naruto had forgotten how much the universe loved to piss on his party and ruin all his awesome I'm-the-king-of-the-world moments via ear-splitting, blade-swinging, pissed off Sword-Psycho.)
"Holy shit, it actually worked."
Jaw slack, blinking spots out of his eyes, Naruto shook off his slight disorientation and patted himself down. Body unharmed, check. Clothes intact, check. Equipment working, check. Squalo surviving his last-second mad dash through the portal, check. For an experimental trip through space and time, it had been rather smooth sailing, not much different than traveling through Baby-Chief's warp holes.
There was a buzzing noise, then Baby-Kabuto's voice filtered through his earpiece.
"Of course it did." Undeniably unhinged, part huff, part chortle, all mad science glee and who do you think I am and bow down to my genius. "There seem to be no communication issues on our side. Yours?"
Naruto, who had been busy counting heads while Baby-Kabuto had a mini sciencegasm, chuckled. "Nah, I hear ya loud and clear—just gimme a sec to check if we all made it through. Oi, is everyone here and in one piece? No missing limbs floating around in outer space or anything? I'm looking at you, Sword-Psycho."
Squalo put his artificial hand to good use by giving him the middle finger. "Fuck off, Ramen-Trash."
A chorus of affirmatives came from the majority. Except Kurama. The fox had managed to sleep through the whole thing. Somehow. Despite an overexcited Inari jumping up and down on his ginormous head and doing his best to yip his ear off. Classic furball. Naruto snorted. "Awesome, yeah, we're all good."
"Excellent," Baby-Kabuto hummed, almost absentmindedly, probably still on a science-induced high, the silly bastard.
As everyone gathered their bearings, Naruto took a moment to scan his surroundings in order to determine where exactly they'd landed, frowning when he realized he had no answer besides in another world, duh. "Do you have any idea where the hell are we, though? 'Cause this area looks nothing like Namimori or any other place we've been to."
"I could consult our maps based on your coordinates—" Another hum, less stoned, more attentive, mixed with the soft tapping of fingertips flying over the keyboard. "—however, given that we do not yet know whether this world's geography is identical to ours, there is no guarantee they will be accurate. In any case, that is not important at the moment. The feedback I am receiving from the tracking device places Alternate Byakuran's Flame signature within ten kilometers from your current location. You should focus on that instead."
"Got it, thanks, man. I'll get back to you when we find that crazy little shit."
"Understood. Good luck."
"Well, kids." Naruto flared his orange to draw their attention, and when some semblance of order had been achieved, added with a broad grin and a deliberate pause, "And Sword-Psycho."
The kids snickered. Squalo flipped him off again. Fon was smiling in a way that told Naruto he'd deeply regret lumping him with the kids due to his body's outward age. Espresso-Maniac, sadly, didn't rise to the bait—he smirked at Naruto, the lines around his eyes and mouth crinkled, expression grudgingly, exasperatedly fond and pitch-black with humor.
"I should be offended, truly, I should, but I know anything I say in response will be used as ammunition for your horribly uninspired dad jokes, so I will save you from further embarrassment and leave your comeuppance to Fon."
Hooh. Those are fighting words, dude. Challenge accepted.
"I've only got one thing to say." Naruto spread his arms wide. A grin made of jagged teeth and pure, destructive chaos bisected his cheeks. "Let's go save the multiverse and fuck shit up."
The kids cheered. Squalo cracked a grin worthy of his nickname. Fon's smile was a soft, deadly promise. Naruto's stare never disengaged from Espresso-Maniac's. How's that for uninspiring, bastard?
Espresso-Maniac's smirk sharpened as he slowly tipped his fedora. Naruto laughed. Right on, bro.
Finding Evil-Twin turned out to be a cakewalk, what with how he kept pulsing his orange in a showy come-one-come-all pattern, as if trying to psych out his sworn enemies before engaging in glorious battle, and far be it from Naruto to disappoint him. Naruto understood why the brat was so pumped up once he assessed the situation they'd accidentally stumbled upon from his vantage point atop the tallest skyscraper. Not only was the crazy little brat there, but so were his flower minions, their alternate selves, and bonus spectators, like Prince Charming's still stupidly pretty future self.
After making sure there were no innocent civilian souls lurking around, hidden somewhere throughout the skyscraper-only city that was their chosen battlefield—ya gonna fight to the death here, like, seriously? You're gonna be picking glass outta your asses for weeks—Naruto made the universal sign for follow my lead and entered the scene Granny Tsunade style. Like, there was badassery and war cries and raining ninja brats and earth-shattering shit.
"Yo." Unfurling from his low crouch, he waved at the panicked, bewildered crowd that was all but goggling at them with few exceptions, chief among them Evil-Twin, whose carefully shuttered expression and painfully frozen smile could only be described as oh, shit and why the fuck are you here and I didn't sign up for this bullshit. Heh. Good to know Konoha's reputation preceded them even across dimensions. "I hope we aren't late to the party! 'Cause, y'know, that'd be pretty embarrassing after we fucked with space and time and broke, like, ten laws of modern physics just to get here."
They gaped at his manly, handsome mug, at his bloodthirsty, grinning beasties, at the belated so-much-lamer entrance of Fon, Squalo, and Espresso-Maniac as they leisurely strolled through the scattered rubble, and Naruto patted himself on the back. Yep, still got it. Pity he hadn't accounted for Hayato coughing into his fist with a half-sheepish, half-cheeky smile and opening his damn genius mouth in the next second.
"Er, excuse me, Shodai-sama, I don't mean to sound impertinent, but…strictly speaking, we didn't break any new laws of physics since there aren't any scientifically proven theories that pertain to successful inter-dimensional travel to begin with."
Oh, come on. Why you gotta choose now of all times to channel the Nidaime, Haya-chan? Don't get me wrong, I'm so damn proud of your brains, you little prodigy, but…but. Naruto's face twisted into something conflicted as he resisted the urge to facepalm. "Way to make me sound like an idiot monkey there, Haya-chan, thanks a bunch…"
And oh, there he went with the dogeza and the undying loyalty and the extra-or-nothing apologies. "I humbly beg for your forgiveness, Shodai-sama! To show my repentance, I will create all the laws—"
Meanwhile, Scaredy-Cat was flicking his gaze between Hayato's rapidly bowing figure and Naruto's yep-that's-my-boy face, back and forth, with a commiserating sort of fascinated dread and no small amount of shock racking his skinny frame, pupils blown wide and transfixed, desperately wanting to look away but unable to take his eyes off of this spectacle. Finally, after five minutes of mute-struck staring, his gaze managed to wrench itself away—he whipped his head toward the disturbed-but-also-quite-fascinated Alternate Hayato beside him, all the while screeching and flailing and pulling at his gravity-defying, flufftastic hair. "Gokudera-kun—what—why—how are there two of you? Just, just who are these people?"
"I don't know, Jūdaime, but leave it to me. I will find out for you, don't you worry about a thing!" Beneath the scowl that furrowed his brows, hope had begun to manifest in Alternate Hayato's gaze, flushing his cheeks, an incandescent, fanatic gleam usually found in religious zealots, as he straightened his spine and hollered, "Oi, you, the guy that looks like me—just answer me this and I'll forgive you for stealing my face, promise! Are you…are you the legendary U.M.A. that can shapeshift—"
Yeah, Naruto got the commiserating thing now. Hayato just wouldn't be Hayato without his U.M.A. obsession even in the middle of what he perceived to be an alien invasion. Hell, he'd probably cry tears of joy and rave about the honor of having 'first contact' or something. Scratch that, he already was.
"Well, well, well…isn't this a surprise?" Evil-Twin was the first to address Naruto directly, though his tone didn't match the tight cast of his features. Brat was trying too hard to appear unaffected and on top of his game when it was evident he was anything but. Guess acting skills weren't covered in the 'How to Banter with Your Enemies in Five Steps' manual he'd read. Obito'd be so ashamed. Lids lifting by the slightest margin, lilac eyes slanted and shrewdly analyzing and a little self-deprecating, Evil-Twin let out a strained chuckle. "I must admit, I didn't expect to ever meet you, but I suppose that was rather…shortsighted of me, no?"
Trying to reassert control over the situation, huh? Now that wouldn't do. Evil-Twin had a lot to answer for. Naruto figured he'd start with Byakuran's noble sacrifice in the name of science and go from there. So he beamed and gave that crazy little shit his due. "'lo, Ran-chan's evil twin. I've got a message for you from our Ran-chan. He says, and I quote, 'if you wanted to be a hero of justice, you should have joined forces with the Vindice instead of playing this boring world domination game. Jack thinks so, too.' Oh, and if you were wondering, Jack's his favorite Vindice babysitter."
At the oh-so-casual Vindice name-dropping, Scaredy-Cat released another screech, whereas Alternate Hayato's fascination peaked, launching into some sort of conspiracy theory that involved the mafia zombie police, kitsune U.M.A., their dark alliance, insidious plans to subjugate the world via changeling babies, and—wait, hold on. Shit. Hayato was listening and nodding along as if it was the greatest thing he'd ever heard. Naruto… Naruto had a bad feeling. Sage-fucking-dammit, he was so gonna regret this in the future, wasn't he? Oh, well, not his immediate problem. Shamal could tackle this one when they got back, that'd sure show him for skipping out. Naruto wasn't shirking his parental duties, nope, just…delegating.
Evil-Twin's pleasant facade cracked. "I wasn't," he deadpanned.
Naruto, one. Evil-Twin, zero. Satisfied, Naruto adopted a mien of faux-curious innocence to screw with Evil-Twin's increasingly fraying composure and gestured all around them. "So, not to be rude or anything, but is there any particular reason why you're just sitting around looking dumb and not, I dunno, duking it out while the fate of the world hangs in the balance?"
"As a matter of fact, there is." Frustration, more diversion tactics, a tick in Evil-Twin's jaw, a grinding of teeth. "We were about to play a game of Choice before you…crashed the party, as you so charmingly put it. Why don't you leave us to it and go enjoy what our lovely world has to offer before it comes to an end, hmm? I hear our Japan's ramen-themed amusement park is to die for."
It was the wrong thing to say. If Evil-Twin hoped to douse Naruto's fighting spirit, then it spectacularly backfired on him.
What. What did he just say? Naruto's mental faculties short-circuited. His heart thumped out an arrhythmic tempo inside his chest. All systems were down. Was this…was this what it felt like when all your dreams were cruelly snatched away just as they were about to come true?
There's…there's a ramen-themed amusement park? Praise be to the sweet, merciful gods! No fucking way was Naruto letting him destroy this wonderful, wonderful world. Nuh-uh. Bring it, you evil little shit! I'mma teach you some common fucking decency even if it's the last thing I'll do. Threatening the sanctity of ramen? That's a declaration of war, believe it! Ready to throw down right then and there, all previous notions of assisting in Scaredy-Cat's growth taking a backseat, Naruto's grin underwent a partial jinchūriki transformation, hungry for blood, retribution, and ramen. "For real? Our timing's great then! Where do we sign up for this thing?"
Evil-Twin might have blanched, but it was kinda hard to notice in all that white. Still, he tried to keep his cool and reconstruct his unflappable this-is-my-world-and-I-call-the-shots-here mask. "I'm afraid it's too late—"
Naruto gave him kudos for staying true to his convictions. Gotta hand it to the brat. Not that it'd spare him the epic beat down Naruto was itching to dole out, but boy, did he have guts. Scaredy-Cat should be taking notes instead of butchering his way through the human voice spectrum, because that was how you do it. In recognition of his bravery, Naruto gave it to him straight. "It's either that or we can just skip the kiddie prelims and get to the nitty gritty of beating your crazy ass to the next dimension and back. Which would you prefer, huh? Choice's all yours."
Evil-Twin didn't seem the type for blunt frankness, but he was apparently all for puns and ultimatums, judging by the startled, delighted snicker he made no attempt of muffling. Maybe there was hope for him yet.
"Ah, I see. Well, in that case, how can I possibly refuse?" A fraction of that shrewd, analytical quality returned to his gaze as he smiled and slyly suggested, "Since you aren't familiar with the rules of Choice and haven't had time for preparations, maybe we should postpone it until you've been briefed by your…alternate selves? How does three days sound to you?"
And now you're stalling, huh? Naruto could have refused, but where would be the challenge in that? Even if Evil-Twin somehow ascended to Kaguya-level bullshit godhood in that scant period, it wouldn't make any difference. Plus, it afforded Naruto the time he needed to impart some important life lessons to Scaredy-Cat and Dream Team, so why the hell not?
"Sounds pretty awesome to me. Glad we could come to an understanding. See ya then, Ran-chan's evil twin!"
After Evil-Twin and his flower minions had vacated the premises, Naruto approached the pack of Vongola brats studying their counterparts with a multitude of expressions, ranging from bafflement to wariness to intrigue, but clearly reluctant to make the first move. Apart from Alternate Hayato and Hayato, that was. Brats didn't even hesitate to accept each other as their long-lost twin bro, then start talking U.M.A. and obscure myths and mad science and Naruto didn't want to know what else, if only so he could claim ignorance when shit hit the fan and it exploded in their face.
The rest just stared at their counterparts, separated by an invisible line, one they weren't willing to cross any time soon. Espresso-Maniac stared—he stared at Scaredy-Cat with this stony look of self-flagellation and how the fuck did this happen that he distinctly wore whenever he fell for one of the brats' traps or Naruto's pranks. Scaredy-Cat stared back, a frisson of fear trailing down his spine, as if he should be very, very afraid of Espresso-Maniac's close scrutiny, but not quite understanding why. Poor kid hadn't yet made the connection, had he?
"I am seeing this," he spoke slowly, still eerily unblinking, "and I still don't see it." Glancing at Naruto from the corner of his eye, he mused aloud, mostly to himself, with the sudden clarity of a man who'd just had his whole worldview flipped on its head. "I thought it was bad when you were pretending to be the second coming of Sherlock Holmes, but this... I didn't doubt your word when you claimed your alternate self wasn't nearly as experienced, but still…how." Here, Espresso-Maniac gave Scaredy-Cat another thorough, critical once-over, while the poor kid quivered in fearful silence. "There is inexperience…and then there is this."
"I would also like to know the answer to that question," a babyish voice cut in with an adorable lisp and a low mutter of among others as Chibi-Espresso-Maniac materialized on top of Scaredy-Cat's head, x-raying Naruto's bold, unapologetic stance and drinking in his alternate self's uncursed form like a parched man lost in the desert by turns.
That got the expected reaction from the up-until-then petrified brat, and damn, if it wasn't a severe case of textbook Pavlov's dog.
"Hie! Where did you even come from, Reborn? I thought you were a hologram!"
"You aren't paying enough attention to your surroundings, Dame Tsuna. We will have to rectify this terrible shortcoming of yours. A mafia boss must always be vigilant and aware of hidden dangers, no matter the situation—"
Which…for fuck's sake, was there even one single dimension where that asshole could devise a tutoring plan that emphasized balance between positive and negative reinforcement? Naruto pinned Espresso-Maniac with a narrow-eyed glare. "Seriously? That's the superior teaching method you keep bragging about? The one you wanted me to try on Bo-chan? Damn, now I feel kinda sorry for the Cavallone brat."
Espresso-Maniac, the unrepentant fucker, appraised Scaredy-Cat's cowering figure again and shrugged. "It worked for Dino, and it seems to be perfectly tailored to this student's needs, too."
While Naruto didn't much care for his standoffish reply, Scaredy-Cat did.
"What—what are you talking about? And, and who are you? I mean, you sort of look like me, like us, but…but you can't be us! That's, uh…that's insane!"
Wow, kid still hadn't cottoned on? Or, no, wait. Maybe, Naruto reasoned, he really, really didn't want to contemplate the possibility of two Espresso-Maniacs, and thus instinctively shied away from the answer staring at him with pitch-black hellish eyes, and yeah, Naruto wouldn't blame him.
"It should be pretty obvious by now, kid. Hell, Ran-chan's evil twin confirmed it, what, only ten minutes ago? Don't tell me you forgot," he reminded him, not beating about the bush, because the sooner he accepted it, the sooner he could begin to cope. Shamal might swear by denial as a healthy coping mechanism, but not everybody could pull it off with the same long-practiced, helped-by-alcohol ease he did. It took a special kind of person, and so far, denial had only made things worse for Scaredy-Cat.
And speaking of special people… Squalo, with his penchant for ruining moments and even less delicacy than Naruto, could always be counted on to liven up the mood.
"Voi!" he bellowed, taking a habitual sword-swing at a swiftly-backpedaling, shrieking Scaredy-Cat, probably thinking he'd have better chances at playing Stabby McStabby with him than Naruto, all vigor and hair flipping and shit. "Enough of this meet-and-greet bullshit, Ramen-Trash. Where's my fucking counterpart? I've got questions for him!"
"How the fuck should I know, Sword-Psycho? If you wanna meet your alternate self, then go find 'im yourself. I ain't your damn keeper, ya know."
"Tch. Fine, I'll be back later. Don't go anywhere without me!"
"Yeah, yeah, have fun."
And so shouting, Squalo stormed off with one last equally unsuccessful stab at Scaredy-Cat. Kid had top-notch reflexes, Naruto'd give him that. As much fun as this little interlude was though, it still wasn't enough to distract Naruto from noticing Konoha's power couple sneaking off, no doubt bored of all the silly staring and heading for some typical Kyō duo bullshit. Heh. Cheeky brats. You're a hundred years too early to be tryna pull one over on your awesome sensei, you damn hellions.
One of Naruto's brows rose pointedly. "Oi, and where do you think you're going, lovebirds?"
Kyōko hooked her arm through Kyōya's, and fuck Naruto's life, they traded one of those glances that seemed to go on forever and emulate weird-ass raptor mating rituals as they simultaneously parted their lips. One, to report their self-appointed mission. The other, to chirp about the bonus perk of said mission.
"On a recon, sensei."
"On a date, Naruto-sensei!"
Called it. Naruto couldn't tell who was more disturbed by their lovey-dovey display—Alternate Kyōya, Alternate Kyōko, or Scaredy-Cat. The first was alternating between glaring daggers at his counterpart and Naruto, as if Kyōya had done him an unimaginably, unforgivably grievous injustice by submitting himself to Naruto's authority, the ferocity of his glare only marred by the on-and-off minuscule frown that screamed: romance, what is that. The second's lips had formed a silent o of realization intermingled with an inner war between this feels so wrong and they're kinda cute together. And the last had chosen to believe in his ol' trusty sidekick, a.k.a. Wilful Denial, and curl into a tight ball of misery while chanting this isn't real and Kyōko-chan and Hibari-san aren't dating over and over.
Sighing a you've-got-a-long-way-to-go-kid sigh, Naruto shook his head. Well, mapping out the terrain wasn't a bad idea, so. "Alright, just make sure to come back before we leave, yeah? Oh, and bring Kuro-chan and Anko-chan with you, if you happen to find 'em on your way back."
Mukuro's and Mini-Anko's genjutsu-double-layered clones shot him identical, wickedly cunning smirks before fading out of existence. Naruto, too, smirked, his heart swelling with pride and fierce love. A hundred years too early, brats, but keep it up. I'll be waiting for the day you surpass me. "Now, where were we again?" he asked to no one in particular.
Ironically, Chibi-Espresso-Maniac tried to exploit Naruto's minute distraction as he internally fawned over his little ducklings to pull one over on him. Pfft. As if he could pull it off when Naruto's awesome ninja kids couldn't after years of Kakashi-sensei style training. Keep on dreamin', man. "You were about to share the reason Byakuran not only appeared to know of your existence, but was also inexplicably wary of you."
Rolling his eyes, Naruto snorted with laughter. "Nah, I definitely wasn't, but nice try, Chibi-Reborn."
"Chi-chibi-Re-Reborn?" Scaredy-Cat blurted out, stuttering and shaking like a leaf, obviously well-attuned to his mafia tutor's darkening mood and his kekkei genkai's warnings, but showing his very first sign of daring by stepping up before Chibi-Espresso-Maniac did something unwise like, pull his nin-chameleon-gun on Naruto for dubbing him thus.
Giving Scaredy-Cat a good-job-brat head pat—that hair was so fluffy, it was practically made for it, seriously—would've been counterproductive when the poor kid was still leery of him and easier to spook than a kitten, so Naruto refrained, barely, disguising the involuntary muscle twitch in his arm by shrugging and pointing his thumb in Espresso-Maniac's direction. "Eh, I can't be calling him Reborn when our version of him is standing right next to me, now can I? That'll get confusing real fast."
"Your version?" Scaredy-Cat ended up blurting again, shock hitting him hard and ridding him of his stuttering as a welcome (probably the only one) side-effect, eyes nearly popping out of his head and terror-stricken, the proof too clear-cut to be denied this time. "Wait, wait, wait, that's Reborn?"
"Yep," Naruto nodded, albeit sympathetically, at the same time as Chibi-Espresso-Maniac scoffed, no sympathy whatsoever, "Your observational skills are severely lacking, Dame Tsuna. If you fail to refine them within the next week, you will not like the consequences."
That was the end of the line for Scaredy-Cat. A shrill, disjointed garble of excuses sprang from his mouth as he gave in to hysteria and despair. "I, um, I didn't, not really, no, what I mean is…I, er, kind of thought he looked fami—omigodtherestwoRebornshiieee—!" And he fainted.
Alternate Hayato burst into motion with an alarmed cry of Jūdaime! mid-sentence, abandoning his U.M.A. info sharing with Hayato in favor of hurrying to Scaredy-Cat's aid, then there was another softer cry, and the next thing Naruto knew, he'd been blinded by bright-blue eyes shining with tears and so much relief—
"Padrino!" Breathless, Alternate Yuni jumped onto his chest and glomped him, sobbing into the hollow of his neck. "I knew you'd come for me."
Ah, shit. You're breaking my heart here, Yuni-chan. Naruto stroked her hair as he held her close, only stopping when her crying fit had subsided to hiccups and light sniffles.
"Yuni-chan, stay with Uncle Reborn." Naruto's mouth curved into a soothing smile, full of reassurances and padrino's gonna make it alright now, lowering her to the ground and urging her toward Espresso-Maniac's open arms and warm, healing fire-chakra. For once, Naruto and that asshole were in total sync, exchanging an unspoken, unbreakable promise over Alternate Yuni's head. "He'll keep you safe, 'kay? I gotta have a long nice chat with your daddy 'bout a father's responsibility." A small pause, a concentrated spike of killing intent, eyes flashing blood-red and slit-pupiled. "And stuff."
Alternate Gamma, who had been watching their interaction with distrustful and a tad envious eyes, froze. "What."
What? Kurama echoed, yawning, stirring with the call for bloodlust.
Now he'd wake up. Of-fucking-course.
Naruto pinched the bridge of his nose. You're so late to the party that Kakashi-sensei woulda named you his eternal rival.
What.