This Army Life

By Nicolle

1st Note: I always tell you guys not to eat or drink while reading this fic, but this time I really mean it. Oh dear God, what have I done? Also, I made a really, REALLY, old TV reference.

2nd Note: OOC-ness ahead. But you knew that, right?

3rd Note: Next meeting of the 'We Hate Giles' Club will be put on hold in favor of running from an irate Tonberry.

Disclaimer: Final Fantasy VII belongs to Square-Enix.

EXTRA SPECIAL disclaimer! This story idea comes from Slashy no Paloza! Thanks Slashy!

Episode #36: Giles' Miracle Shampoo!

It wasn't that everyone was giving him a wide berth. They always did that. He was The General.

It wasn't that everyone was trying their hardest not to look at him. They always did that. He was The General.

It wasn't that everyone was quieted in his presence. They always did that. He was The General.

What it was, well, Cloud had been rolling on the ground laughing for the last forty minutes straight and every time he took a breath, he'd look and the howls would start again. The Chocobo Kid was in tears he was laughing so hard and everyone was waiting for him to be set on fire, or worse. Sephiroth, however, was resigned to his fate.

It only happened once a year and when it did, it was the most traumatizing thing in the world. Years in Hojo's Lab, years as a test subject and living experiment, and years of dealing with Shinra were no where near as traumatizing as this moment: Sephiroth was having a bad hair day. All that long hair had turned into the Planet's biggest 'fro.

It was enough to make a grown man cry.

Cloud already was, but for different reasons.

Of course, Zack looked like a porcupine about to explode, so there was some balance.

Sephiroth sat down next to Zack at the mess table. Well, he sat down as close as he could, all things considered. The men continued to stare at their food to avoid looking at, and therefore incurring the wrath of, their general.

"Whoa. And I thought I had it bad," Zack said.

Sephiroth's head hit the table. "Kill me now."

"Yeah. Sure. Like the Buster Sword is going to go through your mako saturated skin." Zack took a bite of the food, wished he hadn't, and swallowed anyway. "Suck it up and be a man."

"How can you be so mellow about this? The humidity is killing us. You look like a porcupine about to face off with a pit bull."

Zack shrugged. Which was the wrong thing to do as Giles walked by with a tray full of food for the General. The tray landed on Zack's head.

"Dammit, Giles! This is not an episode of 'You Can't Do That On Television.' "

"Sorry, Sir."

Zack wiped the slop out of his eyes and stood. "I'll be back."

"I'll get you another tray, Sir." Giles said as he cleaned up.

"Don't bother. I'm not sure I could stomach it."

"Are you sure? You aren't looking to good. I mean, besides your hair."

Sephiroth peered up at him.

"It's just that you look like the guy in a science fiction movie who is the first to see the Creature."

Sephiroth groaned. "Great. A bad hair day and Giles is cracking better one liners. This can't get any worse."

"Seph! Check it out!" Zack ran in and his hair looked sleek and beautiful.

"What the hell?" Sephiroth sat up and ended up smacking the four soldiers eating lunch behind him. "Oh. Sorry about that."

"No problem, Sir," one gargled from the plate his face was currently mashed into.

"What happened to your hair?"

"It's the food! I washed it out and my hair... Aeris is going to love this!" He ran his hands through his perfect, perfect hair. "You gotta try it!"

"Put Giles' cooking in my hair? No way." He backed away from Zack and ended up bashing a few more people with his hair.

Zack took advantage of his superior's lack of mobility and threw his tray into the silver/white disco ball wannabe.

Sephiroth sighed. "If that got on my new leather coat, Zachary..."

"I'll pay for the dry cleaning."

Hours Later...

He was still trying to figure it out. By the look of the clock on the wall, he only had a few more minutes before the showers became the property of women in the camp. He shuddered as he remembered the mad rush that ran him over in the search for hot water the last time he took too long. It was still ego bruising to think that the women were more interested in getting clean than getting dirty with the obviously naked Sephiroth. He sighed. Pulling on his pants and tossing his towel over the line, The General wandered back to his tent.

"I told you."

Sephiroth sat down at his desk. "Exactly what was in lunch?"

"I have no idea, but Giles has already started bottling it. He's called it 'Le Perfection.' "

"It that a correct use of language?"

Zack shrugged. "Look who you're asking."

"Good point." Sephiroth petted his silky, shiny, perfect hair.

A Week Later...

Rufus came in the tent. "Have you seen this?" He handed a Sephiroth a mini TV.

Are you tired of bad hair days? (Several frizzy haired women nodded sadly.)

Then say goodbye to horrible hair and expensive shampoos!

All you need is Le Perfection. (The frizzy haired women turned into beautiful starlets with incredible hair.)

Le Perfection is all we need! (One of the starlets giggled. She blew a kiss at the screen.)

Le perfection is a product of Giles Enterprises.

"What is this?"

Sephiroth went back to writing his report. "It's called shampoo, Rufus. I know you have an intimate relationship with it."

"My fetish aside, one of your men is using Shinra time to hock a hair product. If there's one thing my father hates, it's a thief."

"Doesn't like the competition, huh?"

Rufus looked at the General. "Could you be serious for a moment?"

"Sure, but I don't see a cause for concern. It's keeping Giles out of my hair, no pun intended, and he's not cooking our meals, so I'm no longer fasting. I don't see a down side to this."

"Wait. The guy marketing this stuff is the cook?"

"Yes."

"No wonder the food always tastes like household cleaners."

Rufus turned to leave and stopped, looking back at Sephiroth. "You haven't, uh, told Scarlet about the shampoo thing, right?"

"Not a word."

Another week goes by...

"Giles has asked me to be in one of his commercials," Zack said as he sat down in the lawn chair.

Sephiroth peeked at him from over his sunglasses. "And?"

"Well, you know how it's been my life long dream to be a model?"

"I don't like where this is going, Zachary."

Zack held up his hands. "I said no, but a talent agent asked me to model a new line of jeans."

"Zack..."

"I know. I know. I turned him down too. You know I would never leave you."

"Zack, it would take both hands and several toes to count the number of times you went AWOL on me."

Zack opened Sephiroth's cooler and pulled out a cold one. "Keep your shades on, silver boy. I'm not going anywhere, at least not tonight."

"Oh?"

"Giles is appearing on a talk show tonight to promote the shampoo. I want to see him embarrass himself."

"Here's to hoping."

The Midgar Women's Evening Show hosted by Joan Justice

"Hello and welcome to the show!" Joan's smile threatened to split her face. "Tonight we're talking to the man who invented Le Perfection, the new hit shampoo destined to revolutionize hair care. Thank you for coming on the show."

"You're very welcome, Joan." Giles beamed in his new polyester suit.

"Is it just me, or does he look like a drug flashback?" Rufus asked.

"It certainly isn't a mako flashback," The General replied.

"Tell us about your new shampoo, Mr. Giles." Joan batted her eye lids at him.

"Well, I invented it while on the Front."

"An army man!" she swooned.

"Is she actually hitting on him?" Sephiroth asked.

"Actually, she does that to any guy with money. Joan's a gold digger," Zack said.

Rufus and Sephiroth looked at him. "What? I have a girlfriend. She does watch this show."

"Why the hell would Aeris watch this travesty?"

"She says it's funny."

"Quiet you two!" Rufus hissed.

"So what is this miraculous shampoo made of, Mr. Giles?" She beamed at him lovingly.

"Well, it's made of all natural ingredients, such as water and minerals."

"So how exactly is it made?"

"Well, it's a variation on my mother's old family gravy recipe," Giles said.

Zack pulled his chair up close. "Here we go!"

"You take a dead rat and you marinate in a mud puddle for about 12 hours and then drain off the water. Then you take the water and add marlboro starch as a thickener."

Joan blanched. She was blinking rapidly again, but not in an attempt to seduce. The audience was dead silent. "You what?"

"You take a dead rat and you marinate in a mud puddle for about 12 hours and then drain off the water. Then you take the water and add marlboro starch as a thickener." Giles smiled.

Joan passed out on the set and a technical difficulties message filled the screen. Zack's phone rang.

"Did you see that!" Aeris yelled. "It was great!"

Zack was holding the phone away from his ear. "Whoa. Yeah. I saw it."

"Did you know the recipe before you watched the show?" Rufus asked.

Sephiroth nodded. "Giles has been marinating rats for years."

"Disgusting. Pass me a fried chocobo wing."

"Can do." He handed Rufus the plate.

Meanwhile, behind the set...

Tseng opened his phone. "I'm calling off the hit, Reno. I don't think we have to worry about the stuff being sold to Wutai." He hung up. "I swear, if I have to take another embarrassing job because of Shinra the Younger's fetish, I'm offing him."