HELLO YES I AM ALIVE

Well, it's been a while. Welcome back! I have overcome life/severe lack of inspiration to bring to you today... TTC!

It came to my mind that, wow, how can you hold an entire shield and massive ball and chain and boomerang and bottles and lanterns and fishing rods and etc. in one pouch at your waist? Paradoxes, my friend. Read on.

People don't understand paradoxes. Nor do they understand the proper way to make them.

You want a wallet that can hold your immeasurable wealth in one place? Sure, I can make it for you. Of course, I'll ignore the fact that your immeasurable wealth will be located in one place, and I'll also note that wallets have an uncanny habit of getting lost. Hey, you try living off of a spellcaster's budget.

Next I'll assemble the paradoxes. If you want a wallet to hold your entire fortune, it's going to have to be larger than your garden-variety wallet. And no one wants to tote around an enormous wallet you sling over your shoulder like a backpack, bulging with sharp-ended rupees. Yeah, I'd prefer not to have those things sticking in my rear end. Thus, we'll need to fabricate a paradox. They're not all that hard to find, if you think about it. Just a few stops around Hyrule and your fortune-holding wallet will be ready to go.

One of my favorite paradoxes is the feather of an unwise owl. Of course, you can replace 'unwise' with any adjective of your choosing. I think 'doltish' and 'a pathetic waste of space' are the least colorful of the names I've imagined. Kaepora Gaebora is usually perched in some tree ranting about Map Subscreens, so I stop by, chitchat for a while, and make off with a few feathers while he's busy explaining to me the functions of the Hyrulean judicial system. I tell you, that owl wouldn't know his head from his tail if the former wasn't stuck on his neck. Speaking of his neck... Ugh. That's not natural.

Next on my route of paradoxes is a stop in Clock Town for another lecture. I'm not so much a spellcaster as a random guy who gets his ear talked off every day. This time it's a visit to the Hylian courts for a little bottle of a lawyer's truthfulness. One visit is enough to stock up my supply for a whole month, which seems very telling. It's not so bad, I guess. One time two of the lawyers got into a brawl with mechanical pencils. Click-click-click-AAAH!

An unfortunate but necessary paradox for making extended objects such as a wallet is a good first date. I could write a book on the awful (and somewhat hilarious) things I've seen at the Hylian nightlife. One time at a movie a guy spilled the entirety of his extra-large milk bottle down his date's dress. And then the entirety of his extra-large popcorn. It was a lactose and butter catastrophe.

A few short stops fill up the odd ingredient for the recipe: interesting homework, mail that's delivered on time (which is especially hard to come by now that the village kids have been tying the straps of the mailman's sandals together), the perfect weather, and a good haircut. I know what you're thinking – how in the great goddess Hylia's name did you find all of these things? It's not easy, but it's a job someone has to take. And it's really fun to see a milk-soaked, popcorn-speckled girl attack her date in heels. For what it's worth, I had my rupees on the girl.

An interesting stop on the checklist is Mr. Barten's milk bar, which corresponds with the first date stop as well. You can really kill two Keese with one stone at this spot – the paradoxes of good music and 'organic' eats. Those Cucco wings I ordered probably had more chemicals in them than last year's Tour de Hyrule winner. You should hear some of the bands on that stage, too – or rather, they'll be the last thing you hear before your ears start bleeding and your eardrums cave in from the sheer amount of awful overloading your brain. I think they hold the record for the world's longest drum solo. You think that's impressive? It's not.

At this point we've assembled quite the gaggle of paradoxes. Now it's time to throw together a spell for that old wallet. It would help if the wallet itself was a paradox ('fine leather' or 'imported from Skyloft'), but we'll have to do a little work ourselves. Luckily for me, I have my own paradox cauldron – one that doesn't leak, contrary to the popular belief. Once each of our paradoxes have been inserted into the cauldron I heat it to their freezing temperatures, and voila! An uber-paradox!

It takes little work to imbue the essence of paradox into an object, but you have to be very careful when you do so. I'm always sure to use my paradox tools to lift the paradox from the cauldron, usually a single tweezer, and spread the paradox over the object like marmalade. It is pivotal never to touch a paradox, because then you'll rip a hole in the space-time continuum the size of my great-aunt Lola at a buffet. Rest in peace, great-aunt Lola. I have heard space-time continuum fabric makes for great paradox ingredients, though... But that's an experiment for another time.

If properly completed, the wallet should be able to hold incredibly massive objects with no excess weight added to the bearer. Giant iron balls and chains? No problemo. Live insects? Easy. Your entire fortune? Just set it in the wallet. Traveling is a breeze, packing even breezier. The world is your oyster with your own paradox merchandise! Maybe I should try marketing.

Now go and make your own paradox-ridden tools! Have a great day, and be sure to bottle it if you do, because that's a paradox if I ever saw one.

It's good to be back to TTC again! Sorry to keep you all having for (forever) :)

Any ideas for upcoming chapters? I'm all ears. Until next time!