We decided to defend the prison.
Michonne had made her way back. She said Merle had let her go and that Dixon had found her and headed off to find Merle.
Later that night, Dixon came back. He didn't say much, not that he ever does. He came in, told us that Merle was dead, then slunk off to the perch to be left alone. No one bothered him for the rest of the day. That night, I went to go see him.
"You okay?" I asked. It was hard to lose family. He didn't say anything, just sat in silence. I resolved myself to sit with him in silence.
"He was a walker." Dixon said finally. I nodded. That was worse than just straight up killing someone.
"I'm sorry." I told him.
"No you ain't." Dixon said. "You hated Merle. Everybody hated him." He looked down at his boots.
"Maybe." I shrugged. "But you didn't hate Merle. And we don't hate you. So, in way, we didn't hate Merle either. Kind of. If you follow my probably flawed logic."
Dixon stared at me, but it was a different stare. He usually glared at me. Or if he did look at me, it was like he was looking through me; like I was so beneath him that I didn't deserve his full and undivided attention. But this time, he was looking at me. Really looking. I wondered what he was seeing. Probably some dirty, skinny, girl with too big eyes and hair so dirty you couldn't tell what color it was anymore.
"I really am sorry." I repeated. "Merle was a douche but he didn't deserve to be a walker, he didn't deserve to die. And you didn't deserve to have to go through that. Bad things happen to good people, that's what my mom told me after my brother died."
"Merle was a good person?" Dixon asked in disbelief.
"Oh hells no." I said, holding up my hands like I was pushing someone away. "But you are, and you didn't deserve that." I sat quietly for a moment. Dixon didn't supply anything to the continuation of the conversation, either. So we just sat. Then I did something I never thought I'd do. I moved so I was on my knees, then I leaned over and hugged Dixon. He was sitting, so I couldn't put my arms around his waist, so instead I wrapped my arms around his neck and gave him a little squeeze. He was frozen and tense. He probably had no idea what was going on. Or maybe he was grossed out by how bad I smelled. In my defense, Dixon probably smelled worse.
I let go of him just as he was moving his arms, probably to reciprocate the hug, or maybe to push me away, but I didn't give myself the chance to find out. I needed to let go. That was the most awkwardest thing that had ever happened in the history of the universe, swear to God. I stood up and walked back to my cell. I laid down on the bottom bunk to sleep, but didn't get a wink.
Rick had insisted that Beth, Hershel, Carl, Judith, and I hide out in the woods until the fight was over. We all had guns except the baby of course. We took the Hondai and loaded it up with supplies and stuff, just in case we had to camp out out in the woods.
Carl was pissed. He wanted to stay and help fight. Rick wasn't having it, and neither was Carl.
We waited out in the woods for hours. Suddenly, there was a rustle in the bushes. Carl was on one side of the car and I was on the other. Beth and Hershel were hiding behind the trunk with Judith.
A boy stumbled out of the bushes. A boy not much older than Carl, it looked like.
Carl held up his gun and aimed it at the boy. "Put your gun down." Carl commanded. The boy put his gun on the ground. I looked at Carl.
"Carl, he's a kid. Let him go, he's running away." I had had my gun up, too, but now I lowered it. The boy was scared shitless. Terror was written all over his face.
Determination was written all over Carl's face.
"Carl." I said more firmly.
"I have to." Carl said. "I have to."
He though he had to kill that boy.
"No you don't."
"He's one of the Governor's soldiers!" Carl insisted.
"He's a kid." I shot back. I turned to the boy. "Go, run. Get away from here."
"No!" Carl practically screamed.
"Yes." I hissed at him over the hood of the car. I was going to save Carl's humanity one way or another. If I had to ninja my way over the car and John Cena him to the ground, you bet your bottom dollar I'd do it.
"Go." I repeated to the boy. He slowly bent toward his gun on the ground.
"Leave the gun" Carl demanded.
"Take it." I contradicted. "I have a feeling you've never taken out a walker in your life. You'll need all the help you can get. Take the gun, get away from here, but if I see your face anywhere near that prison, so help me God..." I trailed off, leaving the ending of the threat to be intuited. There actually was no ending to the threat, I wasn't going to do anything, but I was sure Carl would definitely kill that boy if he ever saw him again.
The boy snatched up his gun and ran off in the exact opposite direction of the prison.
"Why did you let him go?" Carl spat at me. I glared at him.
"Give me, your gun." I said slowly and quietly. I used the same voice I had used on Jackson or Tyler or anyone when I wanted them to take me seriously. I spoke slowly so they heard every syllable I uttered. I spoke quietly because I was a naturally loud talker. My tone was as serious as a heart attack. My eye contact was unbreakable as diamond.
Carl glared at me, but put his gun on the hood of the car and pushed it across so it made it to me.
"Get, in, the car." I said in the same voice. "And I'll be damned if your father does here about his." I growled. Carl climbed into the car and closed the door. At least the kid had enough sense not to slam the door. I looked at Hershel and Beth. They didn't say anything, but Hershel motioned with his head for me to follow him. We walked a few yards away from the car.
"Thank you." The old man said. "Thank you for stopping him." I nodded.
"Lori asked me to watch him. So I'm going to watch him." I looked down at my shoes. "Lori was worried that he was going to turn into a monster. He's not going to, not if I can help it." I looked back at the car and saw Carl sitting with his arms crossed in the passenger seat. "Judith, either. If I'm still around when that little girl really gets growing, she's going to have as perfect a childhood if I have any say, mark my words." I looked back at Hershel. He was smiling a little.
"It still amazes me how much we all have changed." Hershel shook his head then headed back to the car. I sighed. I stayed yards away from the car until I heard the signal that meant it was safe for us to go back. I drove us back to the prison. There wasn't as much damage as I thought there would be, and everyone was still alive.
Rick walked over to Beth and Judith and touched the baby's head and hugged Beth. He nodded at Hershel and Hershel nodded back, then he knealt down and hugged Carl. Carl squirmed and freed himself.
"Carl, hug your dad." I said.
"You're not my mom." He said. I stared at him aghast.
"Carl." Beth said.
"Did anything happen in the woods?" Rick asked, looking between me, Hershel, Beth, and Carl.
"Your son is more of a psycho than Dixon was last year. At least Dixon never threatened to shoot a kid in the head." I stared at Carl right in the eye. "You are so lucky I'm not your mother. I'd have smacked the blue out of your eyes and the brown out of your hair."
"I didn't kill the walker that walker, then it killed Dale. Dad didn't kill Andrew, and then he killed mom and T-Dog and almost killed Carol. Dad was in a room with the Governor and he didn't kill him, then Merle died. You should have let me kill him. Or at least you should have killed him for me."
"You want to be an adult? Adults don't kill kids. Adults don't act like kids, that's why they're called adults." I yelled at Carl. I couldn't help it. I wanted to be calm and cool and collected, but if I'm being honest, Carl was scaring me with his cryptic little comments and then today when he almost killed that boy. I was scared. And when people get scared, they do crazy things.
"Get your shit together, little boy. You're a kid, be a fucking kid. I know it's probably hard now, but try. Just because you shot your mom doesn't mean you deserve to be looked at like an adult. You aren't an adult, you are a fucking kid." I took a deep breath. "All you did was shoot someone. If being an adult was as easy was shooting someone, then no one would be an adult because killing someone shouldn't be easy." I looked at Carl in the eyes. "It shouldn't be easy, Carl. Get your shit together. Organize your priorities. Why are you so eager to be a grown up while everyone else here is trying to keep you a kid?" My voice got quieter and softer near the end of my little rant. Carl looked down at his shoes then walked back into the prison.
I crossed my arms over my chest and looked down at my shoes to avoid eye contact with everyone. "So where's the Governor?" I asked.
"Gone." Rick said.
"We should go after him." Glenn said.
"Agreed." I said.
"Let's go, then." Rick said. "Load up the truck." I had no idea who he was talking to.
"Hey." I looked up into Rick's face. "Did Carl really almost gun down a boy?"
"Yes, he really almost killed someone in cold blood." I replied. "The boy was scared out of his tree. I bet he would have been crying and screaming for his mom if he hadn't been so surprised by seeing Carl with a gun." Rick nodded. "I let him go. I let him take his gun and run away. Chances are he's dead by now, he's never killed a walker in his life." Rick nodded again and looked toward the prison.
"Thank you for watching him." Rick said. "And those things you said... you're right. And maybe it's partly my fault. I haven't been all here."
"We've noticed." I said quietly. "But you're back now, right? And when you get back from finally ending the Governor, you're going to be Carl's dad again, right?"
"Right." Rick confirmed.
"Because Carl's right, I'm not his mom, but I feel like I am because you're not here."
"I'll be here now. After the Governor is gone, I'll be here." Rick nodded, almost like he was trying to convince himself.
"It's almost like you forgot how to be a father when the world ended. Maybe Carl can teach you how to be a father and you can teach him how to be a son." I commented.
Rick looked me in the eyes. "Sometimes I wonder if you really are seventeen."
"Eighteen now, I think." I corrected. "But who cares, really." I shrugged. Rick smiled but it didn't reach his eyes. He then turned and left with Michonne and Dixon to find the Governor. Hours later, they came back, but they weren't alone.
They had a bus in tow. And inside the bus were more survivors.
Author's Note: This chapter is crazy long compared to the other ones I've posted, but I didn't want to stop. It was all just flowing out of me. I feel like I have to apologize for Mel a little, she got a little stir crazy with Carl, but it's only because she cares about him and doesn't want this new world to change him past the point of no return. Alrighty, it's almost 1 a.m. over here and I need to go to sleep. Have a good night/day!