Emily ran out of her building and hopped in the backseat of the Cadillac behind Garcia and JJ. "Hey, got the top down today! Nice touch! JJ, I don't suppose you have a hair band I could borrow? I wasn't prepared, I-"
"Yeah, sure," she replied, fishing one out of her purse and passing it back to her. "We can't all be as stylish as Penelope!"
"Excuse me," Garcia said as she pulled away from the curb, "but some of us don't just fall out of bed looking as gorgeous as you two! Ponytails don't cut it for me. It takes serious time and effort for me to look this fabulous, and the proper way for a well-coifed lady to protect her hair is with a silk scarf!"
"Or drive with the top up," JJ teased.
"On a glorious day like today? Never!" Garcia proclaimed.
"Hey, um," Emily said, leaning forward to put her arms on the seats in front of her, "do you guys think Gideon will be there?"
Garcia gave a worried look to JJ who said, "Well, I've noticed in the last few days he has been back in is office…"
"Yeah," Emily said, "we've all noticed that, too, but he hasn't said anything to any of us- nothing at all!"
JJ sighed. "He's only spoken with Hotch. So- will he be there? I don't know. I really don't. After what happened with Elle, then to Reid, and now Sarah…if I were him, I don't think I could go on. It's all too much to bear. But…I also know Christine can be very persuasive. She can get Hotch to turn up for anything, and that's after- did anyone tell you how they met?" JJ asked, suddenly laughing.
"You mean, Christine and Reid?" Emily asked.
"No, I mean Christine and Hotch!"
"No, no one's ever told me that story! They seem close, though…"
The other two started laughing. "Oh my God, you have no idea!" Garcia burst out. "See, Christine showed up at the BAU-"
"Garcia!" JJ interrupted. "Let me tell it! You just focus on your driving! So anyway, we were all in the conference room. I was presenting a case, and she just walked right in and threw Reid's phone across the room at him- I guess he'd left it at her place- and we're all sitting there shocked like, 'What the hell? How did he keep her a secret from us?'"
"Wait, he hadn't told you he was dating her?" Emily asked.
"No! And they'd been together for, like, a while at that point- maybe a year or something!" JJ said. "In fact, a bunch of us had started to think he was, you know, gay or something, because Morgan would offer to take him out or set him up with someone and he always said no. One time, we even went on a date-"
"Wait. You mean, you and Reid?" Emily asked.
"Yeah! Gideon gave him some tickets to a football game and he asked me to go with him. The whole time I was like, 'Well…is he gonna make a move or isn't he?'"
"Did you want him to?" Emily pressed.
JJ squirmed a little in her seat. "Well, I…it's so weird talking about it now, but you know, at the time I didn't know he had a girlfriend!"
Emily smiled and leaned farther forward. "That didn't answer my question…"
"Okay, look. You know us. We work ungodly hours, we have almost no time for social lives…he and I, we're practically the same age and, you know, he's a little quirky but he's kinda, well, he's…"
"He's pretty easy on the eyes," Emily finished.
"Yeah, I mean, come on. I have eyes- I notice things! Now, he's like practically my brother and it's completely awkward to think about, but a couple of years ago, sure- I thought he was cute, in a really dorky, high-strung, up-tight sort of way!"
Garcia laughed mischievously. "Oh…oh no. Oh my God! This is good! JJ and Reid!" She giggled gleefully to herself.
"Hey! No- stop it! This is just between us!" JJ said, alarmed. "Just. Us. Understand, Penelope?"
"Sure," Garcia replied slyly, "I'll keep your dirty little secret…as blackmail!"
JJ sighed. "Whatever. Anyway, he never made a move, never gave me the slightest indication that he was interested at all, so I started to think maybe Morgan was right- Reid must be gay, you know? Then all of a sudden, one day there's this girl standing in the middle of our briefing, giving Reid this phone he left at her place after they had obviously spent the night together, and we're all looking at him like, 'Dude, how did you manage to keep this a secret from us?' But then I look back at her, and she and Hotch are having this staring contest-"
"Oh my God, Em! It was amazing!" Garcia chimed in. "He was giving her that look, that Angry Hotch look that makes the rest of us feel like we're gonna wet our pants-"
"Yeah, or throw up!" JJ continued. "And- well, you know how tiny she is. She's like, what, 5'1", 5'2"? And she never wears heels…"
"Yeah, why is that?" Garcia asked. "Because I've poked around in her tax returns-"
"Garcia!" both of the other ladies scolded.
"What? I'm nosy- you know that! And she made more last year than our entire team combined. If I had money like that, I'd wear something better than sneakers or flip-flops all the time."
"Garcia, do you even own a single pair of sneakers?" Emily asked.
"Yes! I have three, if you must know! One with sequins, one with crystals, and another that I bought because they're silver with pink stripes that I thought would make me look both totally fierce and completely adorable at the gym!"
"They're still in the box, aren't they?" Emily asked.
"God, I hate profilers!"
JJ laughed and continued, "So Hotch is staring at Christine, and she just stands there, looking right back at him. It was amazing, seeing that tiny little woman stare down Hotch. And then she says," JJ said, as she began laughing harder, "she says, 'Hey, do you ever get uncomfortable standing there with that steel rod shoved up your butt?'"
"No!" Emily practically shouted.
"She did! She did! She totally said that!" Garcia affirmed.
"I swear, Emily, when she said that, you could actually hear everyone's jaws hit the floor. I thought Hotch's head was going to explode! Needless to say, he hated her when they first met. I've even heard him tell Gideon that"
"Okay- wait. So then, what happened? What changed?" Emily asked. "Because every time I've seen them together, they're…they're joking together!"
"I'm not really sure," JJ said. "You heard about the Fisher King case, right? Well, we had to bring Christine, Alex, Haley, even Reid's mom into protective custody because Garner knew where everyone lived…"
"And Spud!" Garcia said.
"Who?" Emily asked.
"Spud," JJ said, rolling her eyes. "You know, Alex's cat?"
"They brought the cat with, too?"
"Yeah, they did. Anyway," JJ continued, "Haley met Christine and it turns out she's a fan, I guess. So maybe that's why she and Hotch get along, because Haley got him listening to her comedy albums or something. I've seen her CDs on his desk before, so I guess he likes her, even though he skipped it the one time we all got to go see her perform…"
"Hey, yeah, so I was wondering- is she any good?" Emily asked. "I mean, is her show actually worth it? Because I saw she was performing in town in July and I thought about getting tickets, but with our work, we just never know when we're going to be able to go out!"
"Okay," Garcia said. "First off, yes- she's hilarious, and you should definitely go. Secondly, be prepared to learn things about Reid that you never really wanted to know, like he wears pretty underwear, and they used to do it on Star Wars bedsheets at his place and…and what else?"
"He plays with dolls," JJ said. "Oh! And they got kicked out of a hotel for making a mess when they did it in a hot tub!"
"Yeah! But no- they didn't get kicked out, she's just too ashamed to ever go back. That's it. But the dolls! I forgot about the dolls!" Garcia giggled, then saw Emily's face in the mirror and quickly added, "Not, like, sex dolls! She was talking about his collection of action figures and how she didn't want them watching while they got busy!"
"So yeah, you should totally go if you can, Em, but don't buy a ticket. Just tell Reid, and he'll have her brother hook you up with tickets for free. Seriously- don't pay. She'll actually probably get mad if you try to pay."
"Ooh, and back to Hotch," Garcia said, pointing ahead of them, "isn't that them now?"
"Wait…yeah, I think it is!" JJ replied. "Do they see us? Honk or something!"
"No, we're already here, and I've got a better idea…" They followed the Hotchners as they turned and made their way up the long driveway to Christine's house. When the car in front of them stopped to park, Garcia inched slowly up behind them until her bumper made the slightest contact with the other car's.
"Garcia!" both women nearly screamed as they saw their boss immediately jump out of his car and stare at them furiously.
"Garcia, are you out of your mind?" Hotch fumed. "Have you been drinking already? We just bought this car a month ago," he scolded, as he crouched down to inspect the non-existent damage and run his hand lovingly over his own bumper.
"Sorry! It was a joke, Hotch!" Garcia pleaded. "That's all! See- there's nothing wrong- is there?"
"It wasn't funny, Garcia- it was reckless. What were you thinking? Were you even thinking?" Hotch continued.
"Aaron!" Haley said sharply as the unbuckled Jack in the back seat. "Calm down. I'm sure it's fine. They were just having a little fun. Try not to-" She stopped mid-sentence and stared ahead.
At that moment, Christine and Alex came running around the corner of the house, red-faced, dripping wet and spattered with mud. They tore past the others until Christine cried, "Here!" and dove behind some bushes that stood before the veranda with Alex following her. The others walked over to wear they'd taken cover, and JJ asked, "What on earth are you two doing?"
"I swear to God," Christine hissed in a whisper, "if any of you bitches tell them where we are, I will gut you with a rusty butter knife!"
"Ew!" Alex whined. "There's bugs back here!"
"Zip it, or I'll zip it for you!" Christine whispered back.
Seconds later, Spencer and Morgan came running, carrying large water guns in their arms. "Where are they?" Spencer asked, soaking wet and panting. "Did they come through here?"
"Uh, who? I mean, what are you talking about?" Garcia asked, trying to play it cool and failing miserably.
"Don't play dumb with us, Garcia. Not now," Morgan warned. "Those two hellions just ambushed us!"
Reid chimed in, "It was a vicious, completely unprovoked atta-"
"AH HA!" Christine cried, jumping up from behind the bushes, brandishing a garden hose. "Drop your weapons and reach for the sky, motherfuckers!"
Reid and Morgan reluctantly placed their water guns on the ground and raised their arms. "You know, we never actually say, 'Reach for the sky,' dear," Spencer corrected.
"WHEN I WANNA HEAR YOU TELL ME SOMETHING, I'LL BEAT IT OUT OF YOU, YOU SNEAKY, SCRAWNY SONUVABITCH!"
"Yeah, she'll beat it out of you!" Alex cried.
"What the hell is going on here?" Emily asked.
"On your knees, maggots!" Christine ordered. When they glanced at one another, she screamed, "I said your knees!"
"Alright! Alright! Just don't do anything crazy, Chris," Morgan warned.
"I waved goodbye to crazy in the rearview mirror years ago- and you wouldn't even be in this position if your buddy there hadn't fired the first shot!"
"Hey," Spencer said, chuckling, "you're the one who's always encouraging me to practice my aim!"
"YOU SHOT ME IN THE ASS!"
"I couldn't help it! It was such a big, beautiful, tempting target!"
"Goddammit, Reid! Shut up!" Morgan groaned.
"Well, she didn't have to shove me into the pool! That was an unnecessary escalation!"
"Hear that, Alex?" Christine asked. "He told me I had a big ass! What do you say we do now?"
"Show no mercy, boss!"
"Hotch- save us!" Spencer pleaded.
"I don't think so," he said, taking a few steps back. "For a smart guy, that was a pretty stupid thing to do and say, Reid!"
"That's it! Prepare to drown like the rats you are!" Christine shouted before turning the hose on them.
As the two men screamed and waved their arms to ward off the icy blast, Morgan struggled to his feet and charged at Christine blindly. When he caught her, he lifted her up and tossed her over his shoulder like a sack of laundry.
Christine kicked and beat his back with her fists as he ran back around the side of the house with her. "Put me down you testosterone soaked oaf!"
"You messed with the wrong man this time, you little ginger psychopath!" Morgan yelled back at her.
"What the hell was that about?" JJ asked after they had disappeared. "What's he gonna do with her?"
Just then they heard Christine let out a blood-curdling sheik followed by a tremendous splash. Spencer stood up. "He just threw her in the pool," he said with a smile. "Alex, you'd better go calm her down before she launches World War III." As Alex ran off, they heard Christine surface and begin to shriek at Morgan before growing quiet, presumably as Alex got her boss' temper under control. Picking up the discarded toy weapons, Spencer smiled and explained, "Morgan got here a little early to help with a few things this morning, and while he and I were setting up the tables the girls thought they'd be clever and throw water balloons at us. The situation kind of spun out of control after that…anyway, thanks for coming! Sorry if anyone got sprayed accidentally. Please, come around back with us- I think lunch is almost ready."
When they got to the back of the house, they found Christine drying her hair and muttering dire threats at Morgan while a number of other guests sat around, bemused. Seeing them, she handed the towel to Alex and said, "I suppose I owe everyone a proper welcome! So thanks for coming. Everybody, these are Spencer's colleagues; guys, I think you know some of these people. That's Diana's husband, Stephen there…most of you know my brother Joe and his wife Laurie, who is way, way too good for him…this is my dear friend and hair stylist extraordinaire, Carolyn, who is responsible for talking me down from the ledge after I went bald back in the day, and her husband, Jim. Diana I think is in the library with Jason or something…"
"Solarium," Spencer corrected.
"Oh, they moved?"
"Yeah," he answered.
"That's cool. My other brother and his brood are on the way. Grant was here, but then we sent him out to get more ice for the beer. On that note, make yourselves at home and help yourself. The hard stuff and the blender are in the house," she added, taking a sip from her own glass.
While the other's sat and chatted, Garcia and JJ approached her by the grill. "We'll have whatever you're having," Garcia said with a grin.
Christine raised an eyebrow. "Really? Alright…two unsweetened iced teas, coming up!"
They exchanged glances and Garcia began to babble breathlessly, "Oh my god. Okay. We thought this might be why you asked us all here. So…tell us…how are you feeling?"
"Me?" Christine asked. "I just got back from Hawai'i and I didn't get sunburned. I'm feeling fan-fucking-tastic!"
"Really?" JJ asked. "You're not…tired or sick or…"
"Well, it's a five hour time difference between here and Hawai'i, so I'm a little jet lagged, but I'll get over it." Christine looked at them curiously and took another sip. "The fuck are you two getting at?"
"It's just, you know, you're not, like, drinking-drinking, and you insisted we all be here like you had something to tell us," Garcia said, "and, you know, we were- I mean, JJ and I- we were just talking this morning that it seemed like you, you know…had an announcement to make. Like…maybe that we're gonna be hearing the sweet pitter-pat of little genius feet soon…"
Christine started coughing, choking on the tea she had been sipping. After being patted on the back by the two women, she wiped her mouth with the back of her hand and said, "Are you both out of your goddamned minds? Jesus! What the hell is wrong with the both of you? You know what I think? I think you two need to worry more about what's getting shoved up your own hoo-has, and then maybe you'll find less time to think about what might be coming out of mine- which, by the way, is nothing!"
Garcia gave her a horrified look. "Oh, now you're just deliberately trying to be disgusting!"
"Hey, sister- you're the one who started it! Me, pregnant. Ha!" she said. "That'll be the day!"
JJ smiled. "Oh, come on. You gotta admit- the babies you two would make would be adorable!"
"And brilliant!" Garcia chimed in. "And probably red heads!"
"Alright. First of all, no. I gotta admit nothing. Second of all, any child he and I made would be would be a hyper, mouthy, obnoxious little know-it-all and probably legally blind by the time he's school aged. That ain't adorable at all. Besides which, I don't want kids and I don't think I'll ever want kids. They're basically really expensive, time-consuming booger factories. I've got too many things going on in my life right now and I can only handle so much. So drop it. Seriously." She turned at the sound of a truck. "Y'all go on over and help Grant bring up those bags of ice. I've got chicken to finish burning here."
They turned to go do as they'd been ordered as Christine muttered under her breath. After a short while, they'd all seated themselves at the tables and began helping themselves to the food. It wasn't long before someone called out, "So hey guys- how was Hawai'i?"
Spencer and Christine exchanged smiles and glances before he answered back, "It was beautiful! Spectacular! There really is a reason people think it's paradise!"
"Yeah," Christine said, "It was an amazing trip- not that it started out that way, though…"
Spencer nodded and laughed. "No, it certainly did not!"
"Uh-oh," Joe said, "what'd she do this time? Take a swing at a TSA agent?"
"No," Spencer replied, "through she came pretty close to getting into fistfights with a couple of gate agents- and me, for that matter…"
"Hey, now," Christine retorted. "I was pretty sure that at one point, you were gonna start throwing punches at me!"
"Don't worry, Chris," Morgan called. "If he ever tries that, it wouldn't even hurt!"
"Ha ha ha," Spencer said sarcastically.
"Anyway, we were originally booked on about a six hour flight to Phoenix, an hour lay-over, and then on to Honolulu," Christine said. "And since Captain Fantastic over here had booked seats in coach the whole way, I cashed in a shitload of my frequent flier miles and got us bumped up to first class the whole way. So it should have been glorious. Actually, I was so totally looking forward to this that I'd been mentally preparing all week to look down my nose at the poor, unfortunate slobs stuck back in coach. So we got to the aiport by 8:00am for our 10:05 departure, and after paying an ungodly amount to check our luggage and getting groped by the TSA agent who, apparently, was quite eager to find out whether or not Spencer's testicles were the same size-"
"Thanks for sharing, Chris," Spencer said.
"Yeah, and they didn't even buy you dinner. It was criminal! Honestly, what did they think you were hiding down there? Anyway," she continued, "we bought a couple of wildly overpriced cups of coffee and settled down by the gate, only to learn, about 40 minutes before our scheduled departure, that we're delayed due to mechanical difficulties, which is always reassuring. Incidentally, this was an American Airlines flight, which he knows I hate. I have no problems with United, Delta, Northwest…hell, I don't even mind riding Southwest's flying cattle cars 'cause at least their flight attendants have got sass. But I ain't got no love for American. Couple of hours go by, and we had to scramble because we're gonna miss our connecting, and finally they cancelled the flight, which was just fucking dandy. So then we had to scramble some more and somehow we wound up with this flight to Seattle-Tacoma, then SeaTac to San Francisco, and then, finally, to Honolulu. Now, on the surface, it didn't sound that bad, because the flight from SeaTac to San Fran was short and honestly, I kinda like San Fran because they've got some good food at their airport. But I was wrong. First of all, we got the only two seats left on that flight to SeaTac, an aisle and a middle, and Spencer refused to be a gentleman and give me his aisle seat…"
"Gentleman?" Spencer exclaimed, "What does that have to do with anything? Have you noticed the difference in the length of our legs, dear? In case you've never noticed, I'm nearly a foot taller than you!"
"Only 10 and a half inches! You're always trying to brag about having more inches than you actually do and I'm done falling for it!" she shot back amidst a round of laughter. "Anyway, you know I have a bladder the size of a peanut and need to get up periodically!"
"Incidentally," Spencer said to the others there, "this was the point at which she and I almost came to blows, because we were both tired and irritated and when I refused to switch with her, she started making a scene going, 'Oh, you think you deserve the aisle because you're such a big man, huh? Come at me, bro! Come at me!'"
"In my defense," Christine said, "this took place at about 4:30pm. We'd been waiting for over eight hours to get on a plane, and we were both tired, irritable, hungry and frustrated by this point. Nevertheless, I'm sorry, sweetheart."
"Yes, and I'm sorry I told you that you were behaving like a rabid weasel in front of the other passengers."
"Apology accepted," Christine said. "But that wasn't the worst part of that flight. Oh no. Because those seats just happened to be right in the middle of the entire UW cheerleading squad which had apparently just won some sort of competition. And the bimbos in front of us would not stop hanging over their seats to talk to the idiots seated behind us the whole damned time. So we had to listen to who was sleeping with whom and who on the squad has herpes and who has an eating disorder and who gave whom the clap and on and on and on for six hours! I swear to God, I was ready to choke a bitch by the end of that flight! And he knew it, too, because once we got to Seattle, the first thing he said to me was, 'Let me buy you a drink,' presumably to calm me the fuck down."
"You presume correctly," Spencer said, "although you completely took advantage of the situation by using it as an excuse to toss back some rather expensive top shelf bourbon."
"Hey, who am I to turn down an open bar?" Christine replied. "Anyway, the next plane was delayed due to mechanical issues, too. And, as a side note, notice I said 'plane' and not 'jet', which was deliberate. This time, we only had to wait an extra 20 minutes to get off the ground, which I'm guessing is how long it took for some guy to run out and wind up the rubber bands they were using to turn the propellers."
"This time," Spencer continued, "after I poured her into her window seat- without objection, this time-"
"I felt like I needed to keep an eye on those engines to see if one of them burst into flames!"
Spencer rolled his eyes at her, "after we took our seats and reached cruising altitude, we started to experience severe turbulence."
"Ha!" Joe burst out. "In a twin prop? Awesome!"
"It was more awesome than you could ever imagine, Joseph," Christine said. "So, the captain came on over the PA and says, 'Uh, folks, I'm going to need to ask you all to return to your seats and prepare for the possibility of an emergency landing,' but it had been one of those days and I'd been drinking so I was just like, 'Take 'er down, Chief!' I was ready to end it all right there. But the guy across the aisle from Spencer started losing his mind!"
"Yeah!" Spencer said. "He leaned over and started asking me, 'Hey man, what's that mean? What's that mean? Where's he gonna try and land?' And while I was trying to come up with something reassuring to say, Christine leaned over and said, 'It means we're gonna be landing about a half hour from where the soon-to-be traumatized paramedics are gonna find the pieces of our dismembered bodies!' So I was like, 'Would you just shut up for once- you are not helping matters!' Then this other gentleman started to hyperventilate, so I got up out of my seat to try and help him only to get screamed at by the flight attendants while Chris just sat there laughing her red head off…"
"Well, the important thing to take away from this story is that we did not die. We did make it to San Francisco- barely," Christine said.
"Yes, barely," Spencer agreed. "The delay on that second flight meant we only had a few minutes to run from one end of the terminal to the other. They were paging our names on the intercom, telling us the doors were closing…"
"Well, yeah," Prentiss said. "That makes sense, if you checked your luggage through. After 9/11 they can't take off until everyone who's checked luggage is on board."
"Of course," Christine agreed, "but it still doesn't help when you're running and you've got short legs like me or run like a girl like him…"
"Hey!" Spencer said.
"Come on, kid," Morgan laughed. "We've all seen that run."
"Right? You know how it goes," Christine continued. "So, we finally got on an actual jet, one that departed on time, bound for Honolulu and at this point it's, like, after midnight. Fortunately for us, we at least got seated in an exit row and he let me have the aisle. Unfortunately, there was a family traveling with a whole flock of kids. I think they had about five. Now, I know their rationale for taking that flight was probably something along the lines of, 'Well, if we leave late enough, they'll all just sleep the whole way there. But they were wrong. They had this one little girl about three years old, who was just cute as a button and acting like they had fed her nothing but pixie stix and Mountain Dew for days because she ran up and down and up and down the aisles for hours, to the point that I wanted to just hug her tightly with my two hands around her adorable little neck, know what I mean? At one point, Spencer had to lean over and whisper in my ear, 'Get your foot back right now- don't you dare trip that baby in the aisle!' Which is further proof that I should never be a mother, because at the time, it seemed like a brilliant plan…"
"Remind me never to let her babysit," Laurie told Joe.
"Wise decision," Christine conceded. "But the urchin totally redeemed herself at the end of the flight. Right after the pilot said, 'Ladies and gentlemen, we're now beginning our final descent to Honolulu International Airport,' this little thing yelled, 'Yay!' Now, I've got nieces and nephews, so I kinda know how this shit goes- and Haley can back me up on this- when you're trying to get clothes on a toddler, it's like trying to wrestle an octopus, right? But when they wanna get out of their clothes, they're faster than…well…than Spencer when he's horney."
"Chris!" Spencer cried, turning red.
"Aw, geez," Wes moaned, "my kids are here!"
"I'm just saying! So this little thing yells, 'Yay!' And instinctively I turn and in a flash she strips down and streaks down the aisle, butt-ass nekkid, waving a swimsuit over her yelling, 'Yay! I go beach now! I go beach!' It was incredible, and I was like, 'Now there's a kid who's got it together! You go, girl!' because that was exactly what I wanted to do- I wanted Chris go beach. But thanks to Spencer, I could not."
"Me? What did I do?"
"Oh, you know exactly what you did! You- he bought this really nice luggage just for this trip, and I told him, 'Don't put that lock on it!' And he was all, 'Well, but I want my things to be safe and this one says that the TSA agents have master keys so if they x-ray it and find anything they feel they need to inspect closer, they can unlock it safely and blah-blah-blah-blah-blah. Pbbbtht!' But I told him, 'No, when those mofos see a lock on your luggage, they see it as a challenge and then they use it as an excuse to fuck with you!' And I was right, because, uh, you wanna tell everyone what your brand new $400 suitcase looked like when we got it?"
Spencer pressed his lips together for a moment, then grudgingly admitted, "It was missing the zipper."
"Do y'all understand that? Do you get what happened there? It wasn't just that the lock was broken, or that the zipper was busted. No. They tore the entire zipper off. They tore it off. They tore it the fuck off. The entire zipper. And then they wrapped the whole thing up with yellow security tape and tossed it down the chute to baggage claim like we wouldn't fuckin' notice. And for what? What were you trying to protect, Sparky- your clothes? That's all that was in there. I don't know what you were trying to hide. Spoiler alert- Spencer's got really colorful underwear. There- your secret is out. Actually, the entire world probably knows it now because somewhere there is a baggage handler living in his mother's basement that's keeping a blog where he's posted pictures of all your pretty panties because you just couldn't accept that I might be right, could you?"
Spencer sighed. "But according to TSA literature, I was in compliance-"
"But you of all people should understand the difference between rules and freaky human nature, am I right?" Christine fired back. "So anyway, we had to hang out at the service counter filing a claim on his damage luggage for over an hour, and then we went to get our rental car, which we weren't able to get because we didn't pick it up the day before when we had reserved it and there were none left. So at that point, we just said, 'Fuck it,' caught a cab to the hotel and figured we'd get a car later."
"Where'd you stay?" Joe asked.
"The Moana Surf Rider," Spencer replied.
"Ooh, nice place!" Laurie chimed in. "You've got good taste."
"Yes, he does," Christine continued. "I'll definitely give him that. However, when we got there, the sweet little tropical flower behind the counter informed us, 'Oh, we're terribly sorry, but the room you requested is no longer available!'"
"No way!" Garcia exclaimed. "They gave your room away, too?"
"Yes," Christine said, "however, I think she could tell by the vein standing out on my forehead that I was about to have an aneurism, because she tapped away and told us, 'Well, we don't have any more rooms for that price, so we're going to go ahead and put you in a suite for the same price, and we'll give you $100 credit on room service. Is an ocean view okay?'"
"Oh, thank God!" Emily cried. "You finally caught a break."
"Honestly," Christine said, "at that point I thought Spencer was going to cry- I really did."
"She's right," he said. "I almost did."
"He just put his arms on the counter and put his head down on them saying, 'Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you…"
"That's actually 100% true," Spencer agreed. "It was the first thing that had gone right for us."
"Yeah. And she told us they were still serving free breakfast in the dining room, but we just couldn't wait to get to our room. And lemme tell you, it was stunning. Absolutely a beautiful room, with a breathtaking view, incredibly romantic, and as soon we got up there we immediately jumped in bed and…passed out. Like, we were both snoring within minutes."
"Aw, come on, kid!" Morgan said, laughing. "I thought you had better game than that!"
"To be honest," Reid laughed, "I thought I did, too!"
"Wait for it," Christine continued. "Because eventually, I wake up, because I feel his hands moving up and down my leg…"
"That's what I'm talking about!" Morgan cried.
"Hey now," Wes warned, "this is my sister, here…"
"Yeah, but I feel his hands on my leg and I get a little pissed, you know? I'm like, 'You gotta be kidding me! After all that, this motherfucker still wants to screw?"
"Christine Marie!" Wes shouted. "Language!"
"So I turn my head," she continued, ignoring him, "and I see his face and- now, I think I've mentioned this before, but some of you don't know- Spencer's got this thing. When he's super tired and super stressed, he starts to talk in his sleep! So I look at his face and I realize his eyes are closed. And then he says, 'Morgan!'- by the way, I find it mildly disturbing in a bi-curious sort of way how often he dreams about you, Derek, when he's in bed with me, but whatever- he says, 'Morgan! Morgan! Come here! I think I found a leg!' He feels me up a little more and then he gasps and says, 'Oh no! I…I…I think I found Christine's leg!'"
"Hey, at least he knew it was yours!" JJ said.
"Right? So he gets major points for that! So then I say, 'Spencer, sweetheart, that is my leg, because you're not at work right now! You're on vacation and you're asleep, so lay down now, okay?' And he just goes, 'Oh. Oh. Okay. That's good. That's very good.' And he flopped right back down and went to sleep."
"A few hours after that, she started poking me, saying, 'Get up! Get up! Get up! We're on vacation! You're not going to sleep the whole day away, are you, slacker?" His team members laughed at the idea that Reid, of all people, would be called a slacker. Spencer looked at Christine and said, "You hear that? They're on my side! But," he said, turning back to the others, "she insisted I come out on to the lanai and enjoy the view, which I will concede was nothing short of stunning, although- and I think Chris will agree with me on this- if I had it to do all over again, I would have asked for a mountain view, which was slightly more breathtaking than the ocean view."
"For sunrises, yes. But the sunsets on Waikiki Beach are pretty spectacular!" Christine said.
"Yes, and that was something that was actually quite a shock to me that first evening, when we did finally go to the beach at sunset. I would have assumed that as the sun went down, everyone would leave the beach. But on Waikiki, the air stays so warm, and they light the beach so well, that there were still people in the water after sunset, which I found rather surprising. The other thing I found remarkable was how warm the water was. Of course, I knew in theory what the average water temperatures were, but to actually go and stand in it and feel that it was like bathwater was another pleasant surprise."
"Oh, Aaron!" Haley cooed, "Let's go sometime!"
Hotch smiled. "Maybe in a few years, when Jack's a little older…"
"Oh, please tell us nothing else weird happened to you for the rest of your trip!" Garcia said.
"Pardon me," Spencer replied with a laugh, "have you met Christine yet? Weird follows her wherever she goes!"
Emily laughed and asked, "Well, did you get to visit any other beaches, or did you stay in Waikiki the whole time?"
"Oh, no, we made it a point to visit as many beaches as possible," Christine said.
"Yes," Spencer agreed with a smile. "Kailua was particularly memorable…"
"Oh really? Oh really?" Christine exclaimed. "You seriously wanna go there? Alright. Fine. Then I'll tell everyone about how you got knocked down by a wave at Sandy's!"
Joe drew a sharp breath. "Aw, man! Don't tell me you broke the number one rule of the ocean?"
"What's the number one rule of the ocean?" Haley asked.
"Never turn your back on it," Joe replied, "and Sandy's is brutal because there's this wicked steep shore break not far off the beach. It makes waves that seem small suddenly jump up on top of you. I mean, people get picked up and dropped on their heads by those fuckers and killed. Didn't you read a guidebook, man?"
"He did," Christine said, "but that didn't stop him from turning around after surviving one wave to look at me on the beach only to get creamed from behind by another. Washed him right up on the beach like a pale, skinny whale, all flopping around and spitting out sand…"
"It wasn't that bad," Spencer pouted.
"Are you kidding me? I had to tell you to get up because the lifeguards were coming down outta their towers. They thought you were drowned or something. I was like, 'No, he's not dead, he's just a damned tourist…'"
Spencer gave her a look of annoyance then turned back to the others, "So anyway, we went to Kailua-"
"Of course, we had to stop half-way there after visiting Sandy's because this guy," Christine said, hooking her thumb at Spencer, "had to dig several handfuls of sand outta his swim suit. On the side of the road. While people watched."
"It was incredibly uncomfortable," he said, unperturbed. "So we got to Kailua and it was Sunday, so it was packed…"
"With jarheads, yeah?" Joe interjected. "There's a Marine Corps Base right there, isn't there?"
"Yes," Wesley replied. "Kaneohe Bay MCB is real close."
"And that's exactly who was there," Spencer said. "There were sunbathing Marines everywhere. This time, she rushed out into the water first, and I watched her from the beach for a little while before I turned to lay down our beach towels. While my back was turned, I suddenly heard this tremendous cheer go up from all the men on the beach, so I turned around to see what was going on. At first, I couldn't see Christine at all, but then I noticed her a few hundred yards out- but she was only visible from the nose up. She waved to me to come out to her, so I waded out. I actually thought the water must be quite deep, but when I reached her I realized it was only up to my waist and she was crouching down in the water. Then she told me, 'Quick, get down!' and I asked, 'Why? What's going on?' Then she said, 'I need you to retie my bikini top for me!'"
"Oh, Chris," Carolyn moaned, "oh, no no no no no!"
"Now, Carolyn, you caught on faster than I did!" Spencer laughed as Christine hid her face in her hands. "I said, 'Why retie it? It looks fine!' And she said, 'It most certainly is not fine! It needs to be tighter!' So I asked, 'Why?' That's when she explained that she, too, had turned her back on the ocean and had gotten hit by a wave that lifted it up!"
"Oh my God!" JJ exclaimed. "So you flashed an entire beach full of Marines?!"
"She did," Spencer said, "and the only man who missed it was me!"
"Damn," Morgan laughed. "I'm sorry I missed that, too!"
"Careful," Spencer warned him with a smile. "She refused to come back out of the water for a while, but when I got back to the beach, the men were asking me, 'Hey, is that your girlfriend?' When I told them she was, they all congratulated me and gave me thumbs-up. But when she finally came up, they stood up and applauded. Then she marched over and said, 'We are leaving. Now!'"
"Yeah," Christine said finally, "and then this guy suddenly gets it into his head that he's the comedian in this relationship. He's all like, 'What? We can't leave now! You've just made a lot of new fans! I think they're all waiting for autographs and pictures with you!'"
"It was pretty funny, dear," Spencer said.
"Not to me, it wasn't!"
"Oh, for Christ's sake, Chris," Wesley moaned, "did the two of you do anything that didn't involve bringing shame upon our family?"
"Well, we went up to Waimea Bay and saw some sea turtles," she said. "Then we went across the highway to the Audubon Center for a picnic, and Spencer learned the hard way why you don't feed the peacocks Pringles…"
"I don't care how beautiful they look, they are evil, cold-hearted, vicious creatures!" Spencer cried.
"What he meant to say is that he learned that when you entice them to come closer by offering them potato chips, they feel emboldened enough to snatch your turkey sandwich right out of your hands as you're eating it!" Christine explained.
"Not hers, mind you," Spencer complained. "Only mine. And after they took it from me, she refused to share any of her lunch with me!"
"Hey, that was your own damned fault. I told you not to feed them. One of these days you'll learn to listen to me."
Spencer glared at her for a moment then continued, "We also visited the Hawaiian Cultural Center and attended their luau. And of course we visited the Aquarium and the Zoo-"
"Oooh! We saw the gharials! I love those! We also got to see a couple of tortoises humping which was not nearly as hot as you might think it is…"
"You're right," Laurie said, "that doesn't sound sexy at all!"
"Oh, I don't know, sweetie," Joe chimed in, rubbing his wife's swollen, pregnant belly, "it sounds a lot like how we've been doing it lately!" He laughed at the thought of it until he was frozen by his wife's icy glare.
"Wow," Spencer said, breaking the sudden silence, "and people say I have a bad habit of making conversations awkward! Anyway, went snorkeling at Hanauma Bay, which was far more interesting than I had imagined it would be. It reminded me of the feeling I had the first time I visited the Grand Canyon- all the photographs in the world cannot prepare you for how absolutely breathtakingly beautiful it is under the water!"
"Ooh, did you see that fish, that one with the really long name?" Garcia asked.
"Do you mean the state fish, the humuhumunukunukuapua'a? It's a large parrot fish, and yes, we saw several nibbling the coral all around us!" he replied. "We also saw the Arizona Memorial, visited the National Memorial Cemetery of the Pacific in Punchbowl Crater…"
"Speaking of craters, we also climbed to the top of Diamond Head, where Spencer again suffered for failing to take my advice!" Christine said gleefully.
Spencer rested his chin on his hand, rolled his eyes and sighed, "Here we go again…"
"I told you not to take that stupid hat! But would you listen to me? Nooooo! 'You'll be sorry when you're sunburned and I'm not,' you said. 'You're gonna wish you had a hat, too,' you said. Well, pbbbbth!" Christine said, sticking her tongue out at him. "See, the whole time you're climbing Diamond Head, the trail is on the inside of the crater so the air is very still, but at the very end you have to go up these stairs through this little tunnel and when you come out, you're standing at the very peak of the mountain, and the second Sparky came out, whoosh! A gust of wind blew his hat clean of his head and it was lost forever. Ha! It was a good thing, too. I hated that hat!"
"I loved that hat!" he retorted.
"It was hideous," she complained. "It made you look like the Man in the Yellow Hat from Curious George, some big, goofy haole who's gone out monkey poaching or something. Is everyone finished eating? Alex, help me clear these dishes, sweet pea, and serve the pies, wouldja?"
As the two women rose to clear away the dishes, they were followed by JJ, Emily and Garcia into the kitchen.
"I did not look like the Man in the Yellow Hat," Spencer insisted to those who remained at the table. "It was a good hat! Besides, I spent a lot of money on that hat! She shouldn't be so joyful over my losing it!"
"The first rule of a successful relationship, Spencer, is learning to obey your woman unquestioningly," Wesley said.
"That's a rule you still haven't mastered," Jenny said.
"None of them have," Haley added in agreement.
As the ladies brought out the slices of pie and passed them around, Joe asked, "So, was that it? Didn't you make it to any other beaches?"
"Well yeah, we made it to as many as we could," Christine said, exchanging a quick glance with Spencer as she sat. "But we saved my favorite for last. On our last full day there, we went to Makapu'u to see the sunrise-"
"Yes, and she didn't tell me the night before that were going there to see the sunrise. She just jumped on me in bed at about 5:00am saying, 'You gotta get up! 'You gotta get up! We're gonna miss the sunrise!'"
"Of course, it took us inordinately long to get on the road because he couldn't leave without stopping for coffee first. But we made it in time- it's a beautiful beach, if you ever get the chance. It's right off the Kamehameha Highway on the windward side of the island. It's easy to miss if you don't know it's there, because the beach is at the foot of a sheer cliff so you can't see it from the road. So we got there just before sunup and we sat ourselves down- him still clutching his coffee as if his life depended upon it- and he started whining, 'Why did we have to get up so early? Why did we have to come all the way here?' and I told him, 'Just zip it, Skippy, and watch,' because the most amazing thing happens when the sun rises- the waves are big there and when the sun comes up right behind them, it shines orange clear through them. You've never seen anything like it in your life…"
"It really was stunning," Spencer agreed.
Christine paused and looked at him for a moment. "And that's when I told him, 'You know, I know that I told you once that I thought marriage was the worst thing a woman could ever do with her life, but I've gotta say, when you were kidnapped, I had to imagine what my life would be like in the very real event that you never came home. And I realized that if the worst had happened, I would be forced to live out the rest of my days with that one regret- the regret to end all regrets- that you'd have left this life never knowing how much I loved you.'"
"Whoa! Wait! What?" Garcia cried. "Are you saying what I think you're saying?"
"That was pretty much his reaction," Christine said. "And I said, 'Yeah. Remember how that one time you told me if I ever changed my mind about marriage, you'd marry me? Well, I've changed my mind.' And he said, 'No.'"
"WHAT?!" shouted a chorus of voices.
"And that was pretty much my reaction. I was like, 'What do you mean, "no"?' And he said, 'You know, if I had proposed to you, I would have brought you flowers, taken you out to dinner, got down on one knee and said something more profound than, "I've changed my mind." You're going to have to try harder than that!' Now, it's worth mentioning that by this point some surfers had started showing up and I think they knew we were having a moment. If they didn't, they definitely figured it out when I got down on one knee and asked him."
"You did not!" Garcia exclaimed. "Did you?"
"Of course she did," Diana said, as she shifted Alice from one arm to the other. "Didn't you know she loves to make a scene?"
"Of course I did," agreed Christine. "And as I knelt there, hand on heart, he said, 'Well, you should have at least offered me a better token of your love than a cup of coffee…'"
"Spence!" JJ scolded.
"Thank you!" Christine said. "I was like, 'I'm offering you my heart for the rest of my goddamned life- the fuck more do you want from me?' Luckily for him, before he said some other wise-ass thing I woulda made him regret, the surfers started in on him going, 'Come on man! Say yes! Look at her- she loves you!' Of course, my face was red and my hands were shaking because I was getting so angry, but luckily for him he totally caved to the pressure and said yes. So…I guess that's it. That's why we asked you all to come out here."
"So this was all really an engagement party?" Emily said. "Reid…Chris- congratulations!"
"Well, if I'd had my way it'd be a wedding reception after the fact," Christine said. "I wanted to go to the courthouse and get it all over and done with while I still had the nerve, but groomzilla over here said no to that, telling me some ridiculous shit about how he wanted to celebrate with all our friends and family with flowers and cake and blah-blah-blah-blah-blah. So I said fine, if you plan it, whatever. I suppose I can be bothered to show up. So the fool that he is, he thinks he'll be able to pull it all off. I'm not holding my breath nor expecting much. So I figured that after bribing y'all with some free food and drink you might be inclined to help us- or him, anyway- out with this whole production, provided y'all have got September 8th open on your calendars…"
"Whoa! You mean- this year?" Laurie said. "Seriously, this year? 2007?"
"Yep," Christine replied. "That's when I have a break in my tour schedule, and he thinks he can pull it all together by then."
"I don't see why not," Spencer said. "What can possibly be so difficult?"
Morgan shook his head and laughed. "Hey man, I may not be as smart as you, but even I know you can't pull a formal wedding together in three months- not even with Garcia helping you!"
"Oh, about that," Spencer said, "Garcia, I was thinking of asking-"
"Of asking me to be your wedding coordinator? Weeeeee!" she squealed, clapping her hands. "Ooooh, this is going to be the most fabulotastic wedding ever! Come here, come here, both of you! I need hugs!"
After Garcia had her way with each of them, the others each had their opportunity to congratulate the couple in turn. Eventually, Spencer managed to pull Morgan aside for a private for a private word. "Derek, I wanted to ask you…I mean, if it's not too much trouble, I'd appreciate…you know, I know we're just coworkers and all, but I also consider you a friend- probably my best friend, and…well, would you do me the honor of being my best man?"
Morgan took a sip of his beer and looked at him for a moment and smiled. "Kid, I always assumed I would be. And believe me when I tell you- the honor would be all mine. All mine." When Spencer extended his hand, Morgan said, "Nah, man. Not now. That's not good enough now. C'mere," and embraced him tightly. "Besides, I grew up with two sisters. It's great knowing what it finally feels like to have a little brother, too."
Later that night, after their guests had all left and the mess had been cleared away, Christine sat upstairs combing her hair when she heard a whirring sound coming through the open window. After peeping outside, she threw off her robe, put on her bikini and ran downstairs and out to the hot tub. "Hey there," she said, stepping in beside Spencer, "wasn't it you who once told me that hot tubs were pestilential incubatory broth for every vile microbe dangerous to man?"
"No," he replied, looking up with a smile, "I said they we detrimental to man, not dangerous, but you understood my general opinion. I did check the chlorine level before I got in, though, so I felt safe it was relatively clean. Besides, I've found I quite like warm water." He put his arms around her as she leaned back against him and kissed her neck. "Everyone seemed pleasantly surprised at our news…"
Christine sighed. "Yeah, they did, didn't they?"
After a prolonged silence, he asked, "Is something wrong? You're not having second thoughts, are you?"
"Second thoughts? No. Not second thoughts…"
"What is it, then? You seem…lost in thought all of a sudden…"
"I guess I'm wondering why you're not having second thoughts."
"Me?" he asked incredulously. "Dear, I've known from our first kiss that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. I've been sure of this for a long time. And on that note," he said, reaching up under the towel he'd laid to the side, "I wanted to give you this. After my grandmother died, my grandfather gave me this ring, saying, 'Spencer, there are 41 years of happy memories wrapped up in this ring. I hope that someday it'll find it's way onto the finger of a girl who will help you make your own memories.' It's not a big ring, but I know you don't care about things like that, anyway. Will you wear it for me, and help me add to those memories?"
Christine held her hand out and merely nodded, unable to speak; tears started down her cheeks as he slipped the ring on it and kissed her hand. "It's perfect," she finally whispered and laid her head back on his shoulder. After a few more quiet moments she said, "I really don't think you have any clue what you've just gotten yourself into…"
"Oh, I believe I do. I think the last two years I've spent with the craziest person I've ever known has been ample preparation for planning a wedding…"
"I'm not talking about that. A wedding is nothing. It's one day out of the rest of our entire lives. I'm talking about that rest of our entire lives part. Doesn't that scare you? I mean, I'm crazy, my life is crazy, your life is crazy- don't you think that's too much crazy?"
"Hey, don't you remember? I do crazy for a living! Adding your crazy to my crazy really isn't that big of a deal, dear," he said smiling.
She turned around to face him and put her arms around his neck with a grin. "Then you need to get a refund on your tuition, Sparky, because there's something they failed to explain to you when you got your math degree: you don't add crazy. You multiply it!"
"Then so be it," he said, pulling her closer to him. "I've also told you that to me, your kind of crazy can be beautiful."
The End
A/N
That's the end of Crazy Can Be Beautiful, dear readers! I hope you've enjoyed reading it as much as I've enjoyed writing it. And for those of you who really enjoy this kind of crazy, be sure to follow me as an author- there will be a volume 2, and the first chapter will be arriving shortly.
Thank you for reading, and thank you especially for all your feedback. I cannot adequately express how much it has meant to me, so I'll simply say one more time…
…thank you.