Chapter 35: Cold Shoulder

I was well enough to walk after about an hour more of resting, though I was still a bit wobbly. I probably should have rested a bit longer, or at least walked with a walking stick for a little bit, but the last thing I needed was to look weakened, doubly do if say hired assassins or crazed Bhaalspawn came leaping out of the bushes to kill me. So I stumbled along, concentrating my attention on my feet, making them move correctly and not trip on one another.

Examining our map gave us a general idea as to where this town of Amkethran was, but getting to it didn't look as easy. The village was in the desert to the southeast and just heading in a straight line wasn't going to work, due to mountainous terrain. We'd have to head south from the ruins of Saradush, entering a desert. From there, we would come across an oasis, which would have us shift to the east. It looked to be maybe a day and a half walk, but where deserts are concerned, that amounted to more like four or five days. At least it would feel that long, even if it actually wasn't. Deserts must have some sort of a time paradox about them or something.

My only salvation to this unsavory journey was that, unlike most travelers, I had a different dimension to retreat to during the worst parts of the day, a place where no assassins or creepy monsters looking for dinner could follow. That made the prospect sound a bit better.

Before we left, we scoured Yaga-Shura's vast camp, finding enough rations to let us travel to the end of the world and back, and I stuffed them into my Bag of Holding. Some nice magic weapons and plain treasure were littered about the numerous tents, but I wasn't really interested. The only weapon of note was Yaga-Shura's hammer, the one that had almost made a permanent imprint on my body.

It was heavily enchanted, made of a dark steel and had a fine look about it. But it was an enormous hammer, bigger than me really…not quite my style. And as for treasure, I had enough gold and gems and a wide assortment of other valuables tucked away all across Faerun and in my little bag. In general, my own horde would have impressed any dragon. So with sufficient supplies, we were on our way.

Leaving the smell of fire, blood, and murder behind, we headed south. The area was wooded but not densely, and the further we went, the sparser the trees got, until we reached the open expanse of the wastelands. I never liked deserts. Slogging through sand was tiresome, having to walk stiffly, hoisting your legs up over and over. Especially when one is still sore from having brushed close to death only a half a day before.

The silence was thick amongst the group. Yoshimo was ahead with Minsc, who was fussing at Boo, trying to talk with him and keep him out of the sun. I suppose Yoshimo found watching Minsc to be entertaining. Indeed, I prefer that show to many of the greatest of plays. Sarevok also strode ahead, soundless save his clanking armor, his unwavering unmoving expression was trained to the front, and he looked utterly determined to march across that desert without being overwhelmed by the heat. Keldorn was only a bit ahead of me and just knowing the kind of man he was, he was wearing a deep scowl on his countenance, his thoughts turned inward, perhaps about the Bhaalspawn, perhaps about me, or perhaps some other topic that wasn't about half-gods sowing untold amounts of devastation.

And…

I sighed inwardly, glancing back at Jaheira. Her expression was vacant and though she stared forward, she didn't look at me. That told me how upset she was. Normally she walked beside me, her steps falling with mine, and it soothed me. Strange I know, but to walk side by side with her was one of the few comforts I felt anymore, and with it gone, I felt a pang of loneliness.

Not to mention the stab of pain that I felt which accompanied the woman I love being furious with me. Her face didn't betray the boiling anger, but it was there. I knew I had a lot to answer for and I wasn't going to take pleasure in our next conversation. Regardless, though I was feeling better; still a fair amount of pain coursing through my body, I knew the pain in my heart wasn't going to heal like the others. Not unless I did something about it.

Very gradually, I slowed up my pace by a half step, gently easing back and soon we were next to one another. Despite my close proximity, she still didn't acknowledge my presence, nor would she I knew; I would have to take the initiative to mend our problems.

"Can we…uh…talk?"

"I am not much in the mood to speak to you…" that made me winch, I hadn't heard such bitterness from her since Khalid's murder. But I had ridden through those turbulent times, and I did not give up easily. Actually, I've never given up. I guess I've never been smart enough to…

"I really think we should talk," I insisted nudgingly, "it's…important." She grunted at that, but she shrugged.

"Very well. What do you want?" I almost shivered at her cold tone, it flowing like a chilled river packed with ice fragments. Getting her to cool off was going to take some work, I knew.

"Well," I began, wondering how I was going to apologize for all my transgressions, "I guess I want to say…"

"No," she cut me off, stopping and whirling to face me, antagonism beginning to manifest itself on her lovely half-elven features, "There is something I want to say first. Have I been blind this whole time or have you always been so heartless? Never before have I thought you to be capable of inflicting such terrible wounds upon someone's heart."

"You know I'd never do something like that."

"No? I thought you were dead Dietrich! Not hurt, not in trouble, but dead! That life had ceased to flow through you and that you were gone, taken from me forever, just as Khalid was! Do you have any idea what it feels like see the mangled form of someone you deeply care about, lying before you, devoid of life?"

"Actually yes. When you were struck by the fire giant in that godforsaken temple, I thought I had lost you, so I know precisely what you're talking about."

"And yet you would consciously inflict that upon someone you loved? I have already suffered that pain, and just as I was beginning to recover, you do this…continue with your mad scheme when you knew my feelings would be torn apart because of it?"

"Well, I wasn't exactly planning on nearly getting killed…"

"Exactly! But it did nearly happen! I know you are reckless at times," she went on, stalking forward again, her words flowing faster and angrier, "And you often have poor judgment, but I am disappointed in seeing you behave so. Being so cavalier with your own life, despite your importance, it is negligent of you, more so than I thought even you were capable of."

"To be fair," I told her, "It isn't like I'm the only person who has done something like this."

"Perhaps, but name someone who is related to this particular situation that has behaved in such a way, and then I may understand better."

"Well…you for instance." She stopped dead at that, whirling about once more.

"What rubbish, I do not have the same streak of irresponsibility as you. When have I done something so selfish and unfeeling? You are speaking nonsense now."

"Really," I mused, "What about the Harpers? Dermin and his friends. You were going against them because you saw the good in me. And instead of facing things together, like promises of execution or a lifetime of being hounded by them, you chose to take all the responsibilities yourself, vanishing in the middle of the night, leaving naught but a letter saying you were going to face whatever punishment awaited you." She fell silent, their being few ways to deny that.

"I…I suppose that is true…but there wasn't any danger, they were not real Harpers anyway."

"Does that really matter?" I retorted, "They promised you death and you went on your own fully prepared to accept that, just to spare me of being dragged further into that situation, which might have involved my own death or imprisonment. You made the decision to face it alone, just as I did."

"You speak the truth," she admitted slowly, her expression softening. But then, it hardened once more, "But that still does not justify using the dark evil inside of you to such ends! Instead of constructing a safe plan or strategy that would safely lead to Yaga-Shura's downfall, you put some…some misguided lust of arrogance at the forefront, risking your life wastefully in the process. And for what? The glory of defeating him single-handedly? Is your pride so massive that you needed to prove to the world how powerful you are?"

Her words snapped tighter than a steel bear trap, and it stung deep.

"You know," said I, somewhat disconsolate, "It really hurts to hear you think I've fallen to so far in such a short amount of time. Do you really believe that it was my Bhaal blood that drove me to do what I did?" My straight tone caught her by surprise and she fumbled for an answer.

"I…well, I don't…"

"And it wasn't my arrogance nor my pride that compelled my actions either."

"Then what?" she pushed, "What other reason could there be to willingly allow such a monstrous power to talk hold of your very soul?" I could tell she didn't believe me. I sighed inside and out before glancing over my shoulder. We had walked quite a ways, yet I could still see the black clouds of destruction, hovering over the ruins of a once prosperous city.

"It's hard to understand. But…I was charged with protecting that city, to liberate it from destruction. And I tried, as you know, I went to such lengths to succeed. Yet when I returned, I found it razed to the earth, nothing left but burning wreckage and the screams of the people. The people that had hopes of being rescued and saved. You can't imagine how much knowing that tore me up."

"As Melissan said, it is no fault of yours that the city fell. Yaga-Shura was the killer, not you."

"I know, but that's not the point. I…I wanted to avenge them…No, I needed to avenge them, for failing. And for being a part of this whole fiasco in the first place. I had to at least try and make up for it all…But I was facing down an army and I alone or the six of us couldn't have done it. I didn't use that creature just to butcher everything and everyone I could. I used it see justice was done. After all, the kingdom of Tythyr had abandoned the city and if their own king and queen couldn't stop Yaga-Shura, than who else would there be? I did what I did to ensure that his mad scheme was finished once and for all, to avenge all those people, including the ones that came before Saradush. I know harnessing that evil jeopardizes my soul, but it was either that or let the slaughter continue. I stand by my choice."

Jaheira was quiet and didn't retort to my reason. Her pensive manner was certainly better than her fiery resentment. After a deliberating silence, she spoke, her voice calm and soothing, the anger having dissipated.

"I believe I understand. But Dietrich, why wouldn't you let us help you…You must know that each of us would have done our very utmost to assist you?"

"I thought on it, but I decided that the risk was too much. Besides, I failed, not all of you. I failed and I had to set things right. And a few more wouldn't have made a difference. It was my task to do alone."

"Why do you try and always shoulder the world alone, you self-righteous ass?" she asked, taking hold of my hand. She pulled me close before placing a delicate kiss on my lips.

"I...I'm sorry, for everything I said, I know I am not being fair…With everything weighting on your mind recently…You don't need added stress with me behaving like a spoiled child. It's just…" she sighed, stepping forward and into my arms, pressing against me, "To watch you being consumed…from the inside out by a terrible affliction that I am powerless to stop. I could do nothing to stop Khalid's death but I won't stand by and watch your own. Not when I might have the ability to save you." I hugged her tighter, finding her warmth reassuring.

"Jaheira, just having you close to me is all the saving I need."

"I do nothing. I merely follow you about, adding my small contribution when and where I can. I wish there was someway that I could more actively help you instead of sitting helplessly."

"Well if that's what you want, then I'll make a deal with you," I said with a grin, "If you'll forgive me, then I'll swear never to call that power to the surface ever again, and to fight it tooth and nail whenever it tries to emerge." She looked up at me, skeptically, her face firm and I saw the doubt lingering.

"Do not be so light-hearted with making such a vow," she warned, "Things may only grow more difficult from here on. What if another situation arises that you need to call that evil forth? For whatever purpose or cause?" I was quiet, as I didn't want to make another promise that I would break. I'd made enough of those in my life and I wanted so badly to make a pledge I could keep.

"Then," I answered, carefully, doing my best to make the conviction to myself and not let go, "I suppose I had no choice but to find another way out. Do we have a deal?" She thought on it, looking me over very suspiciously, perhaps expecting to find a trace of emotion in my face or eye that wasn't completely truthful. I knew in my own heart she wouldn't find it. I knew all too well that losing control of my Bhaal blood was driving me closer and closer to that what I hated, and the thought of becoming like Bhaal, or worse…Bhaal himself, was just unpleasant. I had no problem with not using the darkness within me again, despite its tremendous power and fury…

Finally, she reached up and kissed me gently. I kissed back, drawing her close.

"Deal." We hugged once more, before jogging to catch up with the group, though I still felt a persistent trace of uncertainty that just wouldn't leave me alone.

I certainly hope this Abazigal and Sendai are easier than this, I thought…