DISCLAIMER: I own nothing. All rights to Veronica Roth.

Chapter 35
That Calming Essence

|KIDS AGES: Phoenix/Damien: 10 Ezra: 5|

"I just don't get it!" Damien said angrily, pointing to the screen that showed his single lung. "How can this not be enough? I can breathe just fine!" He said, angry at the discomforting news we just received.

"Damien you just don't understand. Your track record had lead us to this moment. You're body is weak, we need to help support it." Dr. Quin explains, looking into my son's watering eyes sympathetically.

"I don't want another surgery." He finally admits, wiping his soaking eyes.

"It won't be that bad, it's a quick opening and addition of a lung valve. It will open up your lung and create a better chance of not needing a transplant sooner." Dr. Quin says.

"I don't want a new scar, I don't want to be in pain anymore!" Damien says angrily.

"Look, the procedure is only 7 hours long. It will release pressure in your chest. I'm sorry Damien but it's our only option." Dr. Quin concludes, no room left for argument.

"I want to go home." Damien says, hopping off the bed and heading out the door.

"The procedure will be on Friday, here's a note for him to miss the next 2 weeks. You know the drill: no food or water 12 hours before the procedure. It will take place at 8:30 so be here at 7:30am." With that we all leave the room, Tobias running ahead to Damien while I get the new prescription for Phoenix's meds.

"We'll see you at dinner." Chris says sadly, looking past me at Damien who is screaming something at Tobias.

"Yeah," I say in the same tone, walking to my husband and son.

"I'M TIRED OF BEING HERE ONCE A MONTH FOR THEM TO CUT ME OPEN AND DRAIN MY LUNG!" Damien screams, Tobias flinching at our son's pained anger. "No one has this stupid hole by their ribcage except for me!" Damien lifts the side of his shirt to reveal the black O shaped plastic hole that is currently closed until next time he needs drainage. Tobias stays silent so I go in to help.

"Damien," I say, trying to get is eyes to look at mine.

"What?" He asks me angrily.

"Look at me." I say in a gentle tone, turning his head to mine. The instant he sees me he begins to tremble, tears start following afterwards.

"I'm tired mom." He tells me as I wipe his cheeks. After having his lung drained I'm sure he feels flushed, not to mention hearing that he needs a new surgery.

"That's okay, you can be tired, and sad, and angry but please baby, realize that we aren't doing this to hurt you. We want you to get better, so if that means another surgery then that means we are one step closer to healthy." I kiss his cheek and he nods his head.

"Okay." He agrees, wiping the tears with the back of his hands and taking my extended hand. We walk back to the apartment where I already had the couch set up for him to sleep in all day.

"Go and change into something comfortable, I'll get you something to drink." Tobias says, walking to the kitchen while I walked him to his shared bedroom.

Damien slips his jeans and shirt off, shaking on a pair of sweatpants that cling to his hips. He doesn't like to wear shirts after days like today because his rib-cage and chest are so sensitive. I fold his clothes and place them back into their respective drawers while he takes the old sock monkey Tobias and I gave him a while ago and heads off to the living room.

"Here, eat a few crackers." Tobias says as I watch from the doorway.

"I'm not hungry." Damien says back, lying on the couch.

"Damien you weren't allowed breakfast today, you need some food." Tobias urges, Damien takes a single cracker and chews it reluctantly.

"Done." He says, swallowing the last bite and taking a sip of water. Tobias gives up trying to feed him so he simply pulls the blanket up to his shoulders and comes to me.

"He doesn't deserve this." I say to Tobias, looking at the firelight.

"No kid deserves this." He replies, tucking my hair behind my ears.

"What's even worse is that he still doesn't understand the meaning of any of this. He probably just thinks we are hurting him."

"No, I don't think he believes we are hurting as much as we are allowing him to be in pain. Each month we allow doctors to fit a tube into his side causing him to be tired for almost 3 days afterwards. He misses school and as he gets older it will only get harder. One day it will all be good, his lung will be stronger or he will get a transplant. Either way it will get better." Tobias says, turning one last time to see our son.

"I'm going to go and get the kids from the train tracks." I say. "Try to make him comfortable and give him an aspirin." I quickly kiss Tobias and walk out the door, heading for outside where the train tracks rumble and my children should arrive in 10 minutes.

I stand and wait, my mind reeling over Damien and how my heart will never feel the same with him like this.

"Hey Tris." Will approaches and my head snaps up to meet his eyes. Shauna isn't far behind him, running a hand through her hair and waving at us.

"How's Damien?" Will asks. "Chris told me he had a rough appointment."

"What happened?" Shauna asks, suddenly into the conversation.

"Damien was told he needs a valve added into his lung. He wasn't all to pleased with the whole affair and walked out. Tobias and I aren't sure what to do anymore." I play with my wedding ring out of pure habit.

"How do they add the valve?" Shauna asks.

"They need to make an incision and then they basically puncture the lung so then it creates a fluid extractor. It will lessen the amount of fluid that collects in his lungs over the month." I explain, looking at my feet.

"That's ruff. He's strong, he should be fine." Will says, rubbing my shoulder supportively.

The train comes, our kids jumping out along with the other kids.

"How's Damien?" Ezra asks, his sweet concern being extra prominent today.

"He's okay. Just tired. When we get home you guys have to be extra quite for him." I say, Phoenix nodding and adjusting the strap of her backpack.

"Is it bad this time?" She asks me, understanding very well the amount of depression this brings her twin. I kneel down and tuck her hair behind her ears.

"He's just sad and a little angry. Let him rest for a few days okay?" I ask. She nods with a weak smile.

"I have his homework. Maybe after he wakes up I'll try to help him." She suggests.

"That would be very helpful. Thank you Phoe. Now come on daddy's waiting for us." I walk with the kids back to our apartment and allow them inside. Tobias is settling Damien back down after I shut the door, he kisses his forehead and comes to me.

"I just gave him the aspirin. We should wake him up for dinner later."

"Okay," I say, walking past Damien to our bedroom and collapsing back on the bed. Tobias joins me and takes my hand into his.

"When was the last time we were together?" He asks me abruptly, I turn my head to see if he is serious.

"You mean intimate?" I question he nods in response. "I don't know, it's been a while." I say.

"I miss being with you." He says, pulling me into his side and running his hand up and down my side.

"I do too but we are never alone anymore."

"I don't have work all of next week." He remembers, looking to me with that young mischievous spark. The same spark that landed us with the twins. The same spark that made me his and he mine.

"The kids have school all of next week." I add with a smirk.

"You Tris Eaton will be all for me next week." He peeks my nose and then kisses me passionately. We both leave the room after the call of our son needing an ice pack.

~.~.~

He kisses my cheek, then my nose, and then my next cheeks. His lips trail up to my forehead, pressing onto each temple and then jumping to my neck. I indulge in these kisses, inhaling with each press of his lips and exhaling when they leave my skin.

I run my fingers through his hair, my hands tracing each chiseled ab and bicep on his upper body. He sucks behind my ear making me giggle.

"Tobias." I say as my hands reach for his hips. I run a hand over each scar and count the number on each side. 14 whip marks on his right side, 23 on his left.

He pushes my shirt up and throws it to the ground with his.

"Nice tattoo." He laughs, kissing the IV tattoo just under my ear.

"You have a nice one too." I say, stroking the VI that is located on the same place as mine.

"Tobias," I say, making the kisses cease and loom in the air. "Make me remember why we feel in love." I say. Tobias grins, the right corner of his mouth rising before the left follows.

"Like this." He presses his lips to mine, my hand coming up to hold his cheek as I embrace this contact. He doesn't stop kissing me until we are both air deprived.

~.~.~

We make love to one another, so passionate, and fresh it was like our first time all over again. My hands would graze his perfect body as his did the same. We went slow, trying to keep this moment going on forever only to have it end like all the moments in our lives: With a perfect calm essences that may seem unfixed but some how feels whole.

Afterwards we lay in bed, my hands running over his side as he drew out the outline of each raven on my coller-bone.

"7 Ravens, all leading to your heart" He concludes.

"They have all reached it." I promise, kissing the hollow of his neck.

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-Valentina