Author's Note: I know this chapter is a day late, but suffice it to say that a family "incident" delayed me yesterday. I hope to be back next Monday, on time. I hope this chapter makes up for it, I've been dying to get here and reach a turning point in Shepard's character.

I also want to give a massive thank you to everyone for helping this story reach almost 300 reviews! Thank you so much, you honestly have no idea what this means to me. I thank each and every one of you for your wonderful love and support of this story.

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Elaine was grateful to be let out of the Normandy for another mission. It had been a hell of a week. Jack was the last crew member who wanted her personal mission completed. She'd taken Shepard to a facility where she had been held prisoner and tortured as a child. Elaine had heard the stories when the ground team had returned. The horrors Jack had endured… it honestly kept the Warden awake at night, wondering how evil someone could be to do such awful things to young children. Jack had moped about the ship – Jack's version of 'moping' being that she isolated herself, swore and attacked anyone who dared to come near her. Then, she'd found herself in Miranda's office and the two had subsequently almost had a fight; Shepard having to break it up before blood was spilled. The entire crew felt like they were walking on eggshells after that incident.

So now, Elaine was itching to go. For now she was seeing Shepard's most feared enemy in the flesh.

When they'd first come across the corpse of the metal monster suspended in space, she had been awed and terrorised for a moment. To think that something so massive had walked and breathed once, or to imagine what kind of destructive power a thing of that size could wield… it was humbling. Shepard's debrief told her that this Reaper had been dead for many eons, and that the science team that had been studying it were missing. The mission was to get in and grab some form of spell, then get out. All around the derelict ship was a vicious storm that threatened to pull any heavy object into a crashing and blazing gloom if they weren't careful. Yet around the Reaper was a safe haven, an eye of the hurricane, as Joker had called it.

They boarded the Reaper, Shepard on point and Elaine and Garrus flanking him. They had no idea what they would find once inside. But from the moment she stepped inside the massive metal corpse, Elaine could feel a sense of foreboding growing in her stomach. The sense that she was being watched was uncanny, and the Warden had to stop herself from keep looking over her shoulder all the time. Garrus nudged her to grab her slightly nervous attention, and threw her a comforting smile. She smiled back, glad to have him here.

As they opened the doors of the Cerberus built 'safe-zone', they were immediately met with the stench of decaying bodies and dried blood coating the hallway walls. Elaine immediately unsheathed her sword, her grip firm, battle-calm descending over her as she crept forward on silent feet.

"Exploring an abandoned area, expecting something mechanical and nasty to jump out at any moment…" Garrus dryly listed off until both Elaine and Shepard threw him looks. Realising his mistake, the turian shrugged with a nervous smile. "Just like old times?"

The pair of humans shook their heads at each other and moved on. There were several work stations and terminals, all filled with diary entries from the science team. Shepard immediately went over to open one up. "The airlock has been installed at the far end of the holed section. We have begun pressurising for shirtsleeves work. The crew is edgy. I reassure them it is mere nerves. A superstitious reaction to what this hulk represents – the corpse of a vast ancient life form. Privately, I can't deny the atmosphere. The angles of the walls seem to press down on you. I find myself clenching my teeth…"

"In my experience, gut instincts like that are usually right," Elaine murmured.

There was another one down the hall: "We finished cataloguing specimens A203 to B016. No evidence of active nanotechnology noted. Dr Chandana believes they would have decayed over the last 37 million years. There's not enough data to support his claim. He asserts that the truth is 'patently obvious'. I am… concerned. Chandana has been staring at the samples for hours. He says he's listening to them."

"Damn it," Shepard cursed. "They were indoctrinated."

Elaine frowned. "What did he mean by nanotechnology?"

"You remember the zombie-things we found in the abandoned mine? Reapers infect victims with nanites that work to transform the body into one of the Reaper's puppets. Think of them like tiny-microscopic-bugs, in your bloodstream, changing you from the inside out."

The woman paled.

They carried on through the next door, when the ship suddenly lurched. Elaine's heart catapulted, believing that the behemoth they were currently inside was moving! But then the rumble stopped, and Joker's voice sounded in their omnitools. "Normandy to shore party!"

"What just happened?" Shepard asked.

"The Reaper put up kinetic barriers. I don't think we can get through from our side."

Elaine looked around nervously. "I thought you said this thing was dead."

"It is." Shepard muttered and pressed his finger to his earpiece. "I need options, Joker. What have you got for me?"

"Shepard," said EDI. "A kinetic barrier can only be produced by a mass effect generator. That is true for any ship – even a Reaper. At the moment of activation, I detected a heat spike in what is likely the wreck's mass effect core. Sending the coordinates now. Be advised: this core is also maintaining the Reaper's altitude."

Shepard groaned. "So, when we take the barriers down to escape, the wreck falls into the planet core."

"And that means everyone dies," Joker dryly retorted. "Yeah, I got it."

"Everyone's dead… I've seen this too many times." Garrus said quietly, all earlier sarcasm gone, and grim wariness remained.

Elaine couldn't help but feel the same. The dark and gloomy ship creaked and groaned all around them. The bodies of the science team either laid in rotting heaps on the floor or had been transformed into the undead-husk-things. Elaine's sword was already soaked in their grey-gloopy blood. They'd fought through a dozen of the things that crawled up from beneath the bridges and walkways, trying to ambush the shore party. The trio had even come across a shrine that reminded Elaine far too much of the Darkspawn offerings – bodies impaled on spikes. Shepard and Garrus called them 'dragons-teeth', and it was how human beings were transformed into the Reaper's creatures. The more the discovered aboard this haunted vessel, the more Elaine felt her sense of dread growing.

They treaded further with mounting trepidation. A corner lay ahead, but there was no room on the narrow walk-way to see around it. Shepard pulled the party to a halt, and motioned for Elaine to take point on this one. She nodded. It made sense, with her shield and close-combat speciality, she was ideal to be up front in case something was waiting around the corner. Despite her warrior's weight, her armoured boots did not make the slightest noise as she carefully moved forward towards the corner. She paused when she heard a familiar shriek of a husk.

"Sniper!" Garrus shouted at the exact same time as a loud shot roared out. A hand clamped on the back of her collar, and Elaine was lurched backwards off her feet as the turian yanked her back towards him. From around the corner, a single body of a husk fell and slid across the floor, a clean hole in its head. Garrus pushed forward and inched to look around the corner. "I didn't see the shooter. Survivor from the science team maybe?"

Shepard hummed in thought, but it was clear that he did not agree as he once more took the lead. "Keep sharp. The science team was nearly 100 strong. Could be a lot more husks in here."

They carried on deeper into the ship. Elaine's felt eyes staring into her back and turned. The glare of a terminal glowed flame-orange. A face stared out at her with wild and unfocused eyes. As if pulled beyond her own will, Elaine reached out and turned it on.

"Chandana said the ship was dead. We trusted him. He was right. But even a dead god can dream." The slurring voice grabbed hold of Elaine's attention, the words somehow managing to resonate inside her as if someone had just plucked a string, though she didn't know why. "A god – a real god – is a verb. It's a force. It warps reality just by being there. It doesn't have to want to. It doesn't have to think about it. It just does. That's what Chandana didn't get. The god's mind is gone, but it still dreams…"

Elaine told herself it was all in her mind when she heard the faint music of the taint at the edge of those words. They distracted her as she went further on with Shepard and Garrus. The words repeated over and over, and with them came images of what she perceived to be the Maker, on his golden throne, absent and gone. Then she thought of the Old Gods, asleep in their tombs beneath the earth of Thedas… dreaming… calling to the Darkspawn with their bittersweet song.

She was so distracted she didn't even notice the two husks that had crept up behind her and the others. All she felt was the cold brush of breath at the back of her neck. She spun, startled, to find two husks right behind them! But suddenly, two shots roared through the air, and then the husks were dead. Elaine and the others twisted around, trying to find their would-be-saviour.

On the balcony above, a figure stood tall. It was unlike anything the Warden had ever seen. It's hide was made of metal, its veins were wires and cables. Most of its body looked like that of a… Quarian? At least, Elaine thought so. The same bent dog-like legs, the same thin, three-fingered hands. But it's head… its head was something that she could only describe as alien. Long and curved, it had no face, no eyes no mouth. All it had was a singular circular light, with metal plates that folded and extended to give expression. Elaine thought aliens couldn't unsettle her, for she'd prided herself that she didn't judge others based on their appearance. She hadn't done it in her world, and she wouldn't do it in this world. But when she looked upon this thing, something inside her told her that it wasn't like her, it was not a creature of flesh and blood, and that unsettled her. She tried to convince herself that it was no different from Shale, who had been a woman of stone and crystal. But with Shale, something inside her still told her she once lived. The metal-alien stood, and Shepard and Garrus tensed as if expecting an attack, but the thing just stood, non-threateningly, gun held nonchalantly at its side.

"Shepard-Commander." It spoke in a metallic, garbled voice. Then, it simply turned around and walked off of the balcony and out of sight.

Shepard and Garrus looked at each other, flabbergasted. Garrus' mandibles nervously before he said: "The sniper was a geth. Since when do geth talk to organics?"

Elaine's eyebrows rose nearly to her hairline. That was a Geth? The enemy of Tali's people?

Shepard sighed, began to lead the way once more: "They don't."

Finally, after almost two hours of fighting through the swarms of husks and abominations (and Elaine did NOT appreciate the latter using magic to try and take down her invisible-shields) they found the IFF. All that was left for the group to do, was to kill the heart of the Reaper so that they could leave. The room they entered was vast and oval. A small platform stood beneath a huge hanging orb that pulsed into the room a vibration that Elaine could swear mimicked a heartbeat. She could feel the hum of lyrium – sort of – echoing out from it.

At a console before the heart, the Geth soldier stood, its hands interfering with it. Behind it lurked five husks shuffling forward. The Geth paused in its work, and grabbed up a pistol, shooting three of the zombies down immediately. It's light flickered to Shepard and the others that were held behind an invisible door. It turned back to the console and flicked something, and then the door was down, allowing the trio inside. The Geth turned to make a run, but hadn't realised the remaining husks had caught up with it. They clobbered the Geth, and in the confusion of swinging and battering limbs, Elaine only saw the Geth go down.

Shepard led the charge to run into the room and take down the Husks. Shots fired but Elaine was already charging into the fray. From all across the room, more and more husks scuttled up from the black depths. The moans grated on Elaine's spine, but neither their number nor ferocity deterred her from vanquishing all in her path. Above them, the lyrium heart pulsed, and Elaine shouted for Shepard to concentrate his fire on it. He immediately agreed to the suggestion, and Elaine stuck close to him, slaughtering the husks that dared to come close. Garrus interchanged between targets as Shepard directed him, most of the time helping Elaine by picking off the targets further away, or turning to help Shepard whittle down the heart's defiant beat.

It took so long, Elaine had begun to wonder what could be done to get them out of there alive. Both the husks and the heart's resilience seemed unending! But then, just when she began to doubt, there was a great WHOOSH, and then the heart exploded into naught but smoke. Immediately, the entire ship began to shake and spasm to the point that the trio almost lost their balance. Elaine was reminded of a chicken corpse still moving even when headless. Shepard caught her before she could lose her footing. Without a word spoken, they decided it was now time to make a hasty retreat.

"Shepard!" Garrus called out loudly to be heard above the din of the moaning ship. "Want something done with that geth? It's still intact!"

Elaine looked sharply between the Turian and the metal creature on the floor. "But Tali said these things are the enemies of her people."

"And Tali also said no one's ever found one intact," Shepard's brows furrowed in deep thought. The ship gave another violent shake a look of panic eclipsed him for a second. "There's no time to debate this. Come on!"

Shepard and Garrus hauled the unresponsive Geth body up into their arms, slinging its arms around their shoulders. Elaine ran ahead of them, EDI giving them instructions on where Joker would meet them. The last waves of husks arose in one last tide to try and stop them. Elaine cut them down so they wouldn't reach the guys. They only paused for breath when EDI told them to put their helmets on because they were going outside. Once out there, the wind and scorching heat was enough to batter Elaine even inside her armour.

"Hang on, folks!" called Joker as the beautiful sight of the Normandy swung into view.

"Open the port-side airlock." Said Shepard. The ship held itself in place as close as it could get, which happened to be on the other side of a twelve foot gap. On Shepard's instruction, the door on the side of the ship opened. Garrus and Shepard both pushed the Geth over the empty space, and it floated neatly into the doorway.

Garrus made a running jump straight after and sailed effortlessly with the help of zero-gravity. Honestly, Elaine was still a little stunned by the effects of the universal phenomenon. A shove on her shoulder made it clear that Shepard wanted her across first. Elaine was loath to do so, for she was usually in Shepard's shoes, making sure all of her companions were safe before making the jump last. But now, he was in charge. She followed as Garrus had done, taking a running leap and pushing off of the platform to leap towards the ship. The feeling of weightlessness that made her float with just her own momentum, was indescribable. For a moment, Elaine struggled not to panic as she felt no weight on any part of her. Her stomach churned at the sensation.

The moment she came through the airlock, gravity immediately took hold of her and she slammed back down onto the ground. Ignoring the jar of bones up her legs, she turned to make sure Shepard was across. It was at that moment that Shepard had tried to make the leap, but a husk had managed to catch him. It tried to latch onto his boot, but he kicked it off. The momentum, however, was enough to send him off-course. Even through their helmets, Elaine could see the moment when Shepard's eyes widened with true fear. His arms flailed, and through the comm. she could hear him hyperventilating.

"Shepard!" Elaine shouted out to him. Without thinking, she jumped back out of the Normandy. Garrus gave a cry of alarm, and then she felt his hand clamp around her ankle. It was enough, like a living fishing line, Elaine hung out of the ship and reached out to the floating Commander. In a panic, he flailed in his attempt to catch her. It was only by the skin of their teeth that they came close enough to grab onto each other's hands. With one massive haul, Garrus reeled them both in and the humans crashed into the airlock.

Around them, the Normandy lurched as it was spun around. The airlock door closed, and the trio were sealed in darkness whilst the ship violently shook. Elaine clung to the walls for stability, squeezing her eyes shut as she prayed for Joker to race them to safety.

They were still huddled on the floor when the other-side door opened and the crew helped them into the CIC. Elaine hadn't realised how exhausted her legs felt until she tried to stand on them again, the adrenaline having worn off. Everyone was checking to see if they were okay, marvelling over the Geth body, or congratulating Joker on his great flying. It wasn't until someone gave an uncertain: "Shepard?" that Elaine remembered the Commander.

Shepard was huddled on the floor, hands braced flat, his shoulders shaking. He was staring wide eyed into nothing, his skin as pale as snow. He'd thrown off his helmet, sweat beaded his skin, and he panted as if he'd run for miles. Elaine worried, for it looked like he was going to be sick. Something about this didn't sit right with her. An instinct deep down told her something was very wrong. The others must've felt the same, for everyone had gone quiet, waiting for the strong and unphased commander they were used to, to stand up and brush off their worries. But Shepard did nothing but heave on the floor.

Garrus carefully tried to approach, a gentle hand outreached to help his friend back up. "Shepard, you o–?"

When the Turian's talons brushed his shoulder, Shepard physically recoiled as if he'd been savaged by the hand. He shrieked and thrashed. The human surged to his feet and shoved Garrus away from him. A glazed look came over his eyes, as if he had no idea where he was or what was happening. Elaine threw her arms out and pushed the crew back. Not for their safety from Shepard – for she knew he wouldn't hurt them – but more to respect the space the commander clearly wanted. Shepard seemed to blink himself back to coherency, and noticed the gathered crowd. He was confused and disorientated. Stumbling as if drunk, he tried to make his way down the hallway.

Kelly reached out to stop him, her mouth open to speak. Shepard shrank away from her touch, a furious expression on his face. Kelly hastily retracted her arm. Guilt flashed on the Spectre's fae, and then he hurriedly stormed away towards the elevator. It wasn't until the doors had closed behind him and he was out of sight, that the crew gave a collected sigh of relief.

But Elaine's eyes remained fixed on the doors, her brows puckered with concern, and a constant question on her lips. What was wrong with Shepard?

Elaine dropped off her weapons and armour to Jacob in the armoury, and when she was once more back in her civilian clothes, she returned to the cockpit to see the progress the others had made. Apparently, Shepard had isolated himself in his room, and wasn't responding to any messages sent to him. Garrus (still in his armour), had joined forces with Joker; they were really worried for their friend, after all. They'd both decided to keep this to themselves, and asked the crew of the CIC not to say a thing to the other decks until they were sure they needed assistance. The pair had then said the best thing to do, if Shepard wouldn't listen to them, was to call Liara. Elaine remembered her; the asari that was Shepard's lover.

It was a good plan. But it could take time to bear fruit. Liara would need to get here. And Shepard needed help now. Elaine had always considered it her job to look after her companions. So she had no second thoughts as she snuck her way back through the CIC, being careful to be inconspicuous as possible, and slipped into the elevator. There was only one floor of the ship she had never visited. So she pushed the button for Deck 1.

When the elevator doors finally opened, Elaine was met with a small dimly lit grey landing space. A door sat closed before her, imposing and determined to ward everyone away. It only made Elaine pause for half a second to quietly ask: "EDI? Has Shepard locked the door?"

"The Commander was too preoccupied to do so when he entered his quarters," the female voice floated down gently. EDI hesitated a moment, before continuing, "I am supposed to answer directly to Shepard, except for in the case that his physical or mental health is clearly compromised. Seeing as how he has not locked the door or expressly told me to keep others out, I can therefore assume it is permitted for you to enter."

Elaine smiled. "Thank you, EDI."

The doors opened, and the Warden slowly stepped into the room. She saw a desk to her right, surrounded by shelves filled with toy-space-ships and a small cage holding a rodent of some kind. On the left wall, a long pane of glass held a lake of fish in the wall, who swam back and forth tranquilly. It soft blue light offered a ghost of illumination to the otherwise dark room. The lights had been turned off, and Elaine almost slipped down a short set of stairs that led deeper into the cabin. Her eyes finally adjusted, and she was able to make out a corner sofa and table to her right, and a large double bed on the far wall. Something moved in the far corner, and if Elaine had blinked she might've missed it. Slowly, she inched closer. Her foot tapped against something hard, stubbing her toe slightly. She looked down to find pieces of Shepard's armour discarded haphazardly on the floor like he'd flung them off.

Her eyes once again found the moving shadow in the dim blue light. It took her a moment to make out that it was a person. Not just any person – it was Shepard. He was crouched on the floor, dressed in only his under-suit. There was a sheen of sweat covering his skin but the human shivered violently as if suffering from a terrible chill. He was rocking back and forth on his heels, face buried in the arms he'd draped around his knees. His fists were clenched so hard, his knuckles had turned a ghastly white and a drop or two of blood was squeezed from between his fingers where his nailed had bit into his palm. Elaine felt her heart clench at the sight, and immediately knelt in front of him.

"Shepard! Are you alright? I–" she hadn't even reached out to him yet, but just the sound of her voice had Shepard cry out in alarm. He scooted back away from her, looking around wildly for some kind of threat. Elaine wisely thought to choose her words carefully. "Shepard? Shepard, it's me, it's Elaine."

Those dark eyes at last began to focus on her. His mouth twisted into a snarl even as his eyes watered. He turned his face away, even as he spoke out from between clenched teeth. "Get out."

"No. You need help, let me–"

Shepard scooted back away from her outreached hand, pressing himself into the corner. Concerned, Elaine scooched forward, attempting to help. But Shepard suddenly gave a cry, and then his hand was pointed at her. Elaine froze when the barrel of his pistol stared directly into her eye. She refused to move, a slight tremble taking hold of her. Over and over, she assured herself Shepard wouldn't do it. But the raw emotion on his face as the tears filled his eyes… the way his had shook as his voice growled… "I said get out!"

"Shepard…" softly, the Warden spoke, voice like a hushed lullaby. She made herself tear her eyes away from the pistol, to look at the Commander. "Shepard, don't do this. You know me. I'm not here to hurt you. I just want to help."

"How can you help?!" he demanded snidely. "You talk about dying, but you've got no fucking idea what it's like to actually die."

She wanted to respond, to retort in the way their rapport had previously been established. But the words refused to leave her.

Shepard hissed to himself as the first tear fell from his eyes. "Do you know what it's like, to float through space, and feel your oxygen be taken from you? It's like you're drowning, but it burns! You know what it's like to feel the vacuum of space tear you apart, and no matter how hard you fight, you can't stop it? You're just floating there. No gravity. No air. No NOTHING."

The fear she'd seen in his wide eyes when he'd made the jump came back to her, and Elaine felt like such a fool for having ignored it. Shepard had been reliving a nightmare the whole time. It broke her heart to think that she hadn't noticed. Shepard had always known when she'd been grieving and hurting over her past. Had she been so self-absorbed she'd ignored him?

"I don't need your fucking pity. Bastards at Cerberus stitched me back together, and now I'm the walking corpse. Just give me two goddamn minutes to get my head on straight."

"You've been burying this for a while, haven't you…" It was a statement, not a question. He wouldn't meet her eye to answer. She sighed. "You can't do that, Shepard. It will eat you alive if–"

"I am Commander fucking Shepard. And I will not break." He growled out defiantly. That was the mantra that had been his last lifeline, Elaine realised. So many people had whispered to her of how much they admired and respected Shepard, looked up to him as this invincible and unapproachable warrior-god-like being. Perhaps even the Commander had come to believe in the myth too, and felt that the only way for him to get through it all was to live up to that expectation?

Elaine remembered when she'd thought the Archdemon was in her head. How it had driven her to think the only way out was to kill it through herself. She'd clung to the last hope to save her, that she was the Hero of Ferelden, and somehow that title alone could save her. Her head bowed and the words quietly left her lips in a shamed mumble. "Anyone can break."

"And what the hell would you know?"

"Because you helped me through the same thing, remember?" Daringly, she crawled closer, trying to catch his eyes with hers imploringly. "I know that it hangs in the back of your mind – all that you've gone through. It's in your dreams and in your thoughts, waiting to pounce when your mind is not focused. It repeats over and over again, and it won't stop."

There was no nasty retort, only silence as Shepard stared at his still-trembling hands. His brows furrowed and his bottom lip began to shiver. "I… I can't take it no more. I can't stop shaking."

Elaine reached and took one of his hands in both of hers. "Because you need to let it out but you refuse to show weakness."

"I can't. If I do, then everyone will see how much this mission fucking terrifies me. I can't lose any one of them. And I don't want to die. But I have to do this, because I'm the only one who can."

"It doesn't matter if you're afraid, Shepard. We all are. Even I, who believes I am ready for death, fear it. No one will think lesser of you for being human."

Something close to a sob threatened to choke him, and suddenly Shepard was clinging to Elaine's hands with both of his in a desperate grip. "So much is riding on my shoulders. And I can't get rid of a fucking nightmare. Sometimes I just want it over so I don't have to wake up in the night, sweating and sick."

"Remember what you said to me when I had a gun pointed to my own head? You said: think of the people you've loved and lost; would they want it to end like this? Or would they want you to keep fighting?"

Shepard's head fell back to hit the wall behind him. "You know what? Most of when it happened is foggy. But the only thing I recall vividly: is looking at the stars and realising how lonely I was at the end."

"You're not alone, Shepard." Elaine could feel her own tears choke the back of her nose. She squeezed herself into the small corner beside him, and wrapped her arm around his shoulders, like she did for Alistair when he'd mourned Duncan's death. "I have never met a man with people so loyally devoted to him. And I know you're hard on them, but they would still walk into hell for you."

Shepard refused to look up, as if to admit it was the greatest shame he held in his heart. "I'm hard, and stubborn, and cruel sometimes. I know. But I just… I can't imagine seeing any of them get hurt on my watch. I was Commander of the SR1 when it was attacked. We lost Presley and nineteen other crewmates. I lost Ash on Virmire. And I lost my entire team on Akuze. I can't lose anymore. So when I see how close I can get to losing them… I lash out because I can't deal with it."

It all made sense. It didn't excuse some of it, but Elaine certainly held no anger at Shepard over it. She squeezed his shoulder to try and offer comfort. "Pushing them away won't make the fear leave. I should know that. Let us in, Shepard. Let in those who love you."

"But if I do that and I still lose them…" another violent shake of his body as more tears slipped by. "I can't do it, I can't–"

Elaine pulled him against her in a tight embrace, like a mother would to her child. Shepard did not refuse, and turned his face into her shoulder so she wouldn't see him cry. Elaine let her own tears spill as she gently whispered. "You're not alone, Shepard. You're never alone. We've both lost many people. But we can still have those we've got left. So fight for that. Keep fighting with me."

Though she didn't need a responce, it still made her heart warm with relief when she felt him nod against her.