Alone But Not
She could never tell anyone. Ever.
What was there to tell anyway? Confess of that strange feeling she always had even when alone. That feeling of not actually being as alone as she was.
When she was with others, it would dim but not disappear. It was when she was by herself that it really emerged.
She could recall vague memories when she was young, when she still lived with Sarah in that crappy apartment even, of feeling it.
Like arms around her. Smothering her with protection.
It was a woman she would dream of with thick red hair in a long braid who'd quietly banish any nightmares she had. An angel maybe.
Then it changed after... after Sarah finally passed away. That very night her mother died in fact, unknowingly of course to her younger self.
He came to her in her dreams. She could never quite place who he was but seemed familiar, like the woman who'd been there him.
Now he chased away the darkness that sometimes invaded her sleep.
It became something more tangible to her when she was sleeping rough on the streets.
She lost her blankets and most of her essentials once as she fled from attackers.
She'd curled up tightly to keep warm and attempted to sleep in what was a safe place.
When she woke, her blankets plus some new ones were covering her and the rest of her things were placed neatly to the side as if waiting for her.
She could never tell anyone of that.
After joining the Alliance, she thought that perhaps that it would all fade away.
But she'd find herself mysteriously in her bed and fully covered by her blanket.
She'd be absolutely certain that she fallen asleep at her desk but never ever find herself there the following morning.
It was always in bed, wrapped up snuggly in the blankets with footwear neatly placed together on the floor.
She became so used to it that she brushed it off when Garrus finally mentioned something he'd noticed.
"Sorry?" Jane mumbled sleepily before sipping the hot tea that Garrus had waiting for her.
"It was weird. You passed out last night on the bed surrounded by those damn data-pads. I only glanced away for a few minutes to turn off the terminal and when I turned around, you were in the bed with shoes off and blankets covering you with the data-pads all neatly piled on the side table."
She blinked. "Sleepwalking?"
Her turian laughed. "Sleep organizing more like. You're more talented than I thought."
Then she knew. Knew about Sam. About Ouhil. About Sarah.
Suddenly it all fell into place.
Now she had a little boy who was growing up on his father's home-world, enjoying the safety and security of family that she missed growing up.
Only... she hadn't she now realised. They'd always been there but were just... just out of her sight.
She hoped that what she now recognized as her family's love and protection would extend to the family she was creating in the visible world.
"Do you mind checking on Gaius for me? He always kicks off the blankets an hour into sleep," her husband said from where he was busy in the kitchen.
"Sure!"
She strolled up the well lit corridor to the little wooden door covered in colorful drawings made by Gaius, all under a lovely plaque bearing his name in Alliance basic and turian made by his grand-uncle in the far north.
Jane opened the door carefully and stalled.
She watched in a strange daze as Sam picked up his grandson's favorite teddy, a rabbit given to him by Kaidan, from where it had fallen to the floor and firmly tucked it back in the boy's arms. He then carefully pulled the blankets around the sleeping Gaius before turning his attention to Jane.
He smiled at her warmly before fading from view.
"Hey... Dad," she whispered.