Merry Yuletide Everyone! Hope whatever you're doing in this bleak time of year is making you smile.

I think the story's pace will pick up a bit now, as the last chapter got through much of the emotional baggage that was keeping it at a slow pace. Now it should be about healing, and moving forward.

Enjoy!

Chapter 36 –Who You Are

Loki entered his suite feeling like he had travelled a very long distance. He stopped short as he crossed the threshold. Steve Rogers was snoring on the couch he had sat on with Thor drinking and talking while Sigyn had been suffering. He didn't look very comfortable, the couch was too short for a man his height, but he had a pillow and blanket so it wasn't just that he had nodded off at some point.

Loki frowned at him, then walked through to his bedroom. He smiled faintly to see Thor snoring, sprawled on his back on the bed, his arm thrown out to encompass the sleeping boys. Loki stepped up to the bed, reached out and tickled Thor's foot. Thor snorted in his sleep, then jerked awake.

"Wha –damnit Loki!"

"You looked so peaceful brother, I couldn't resist."

Thor grunted, then hurled the nearest pillow at him. Loki caught it, smirking at his brother.

"Did my sons wear you out?"

"Fenrir drinks a lot of milk, and Jörmungandr doesn't like the children's show I tried to introduce him to. I thought he'd like a show about talking horses, unicorns and pegasus."

"Hm, so would I," said Loki, shrugging. "I've yet to determine what pattern my son's preferences fall to."

Thor stretched and yawned like a large dog, sitting up and swinging his legs over the edge of the bed.

"So what happened? Is Sigyn all right?"

"She's fine… well, she's no longer in pain," said Loki with a sigh. "Fenrir's magic did… quite a number on her. But I was able to fix it."

"Good, good. Steve will be relieved."

"Why exactly is he asleep on the couch?"

"Because it was the only alternative to the floor outside her rooms that he would agree to," said Thor. "He was very worried about her."

Loki nodded, telling himself that such concern was appropriate and good, but he was unable to douse the possessive flame in his gut.

"Were you tending to her all night?" asked Thor.

"Not all night, she slept for a good while, but I wanted to be sure she was all right."

"And you wanted to be near her as long as possible, right?" Thor threw him a knowing grin and Loki actually felt himself blush. It was weird being teased like this by Thor. Fenrir let out a soft grumble as he stirred, and Loki picked him up, setting his head on his shoulder. He sniffed, noticing that Fenrir needed a change.

"Where are the windel?" he asked, looking around.

"Here!" Thor pointed to the nearby table where the changing things were sitting neatly in preparation. "He only needed changing twice during the night."

"You changed him?" asked Loki in disbelief, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."

Thor scrunched his nose at him,

"Ha, ha," he drawled, "And I only did the second one. Steve did the first one."

"… oh." Loki was not sure he liked that information.

"Well I didn't have a clue and Sverrir was gone. Steve used to look after children in his neighbourhood when he was a youth, so he knew what to do."

"Hmm," Loki mumbled, laying his son down on the mat and pulling the windel open.

"Is she really ok?" asked Thor, watching him curiously.

"…probably not. But I think, I hope, that she's through the worst of it and now it's all about healing."

"That's good. Is there anything I can do to help?"

Loki paused in his wiping of Fenrir's bum to consider the question,

"Honestly? I have no idea. Last night was… awful. I hope never to go through something like that again. But Sigyn said… she said she doesn't feel like a whole person with me, and I have no clue how to deal with that fact."

Thor frowned,

"That is ridiculous!"

"If it's how she feels, we cannot just dismiss it."

"But Loki, I've seen how you two were together. Compared to how I knew her before, I'd say that being with you made her a whole person!"

Loki gave him a half smile as he sealed the new windel on Fenrir, then picked him up and smiling at the big yawn he got in greeting,

"Good morning, how's my boy?" he cooed, not bothering to suppress the stupid grin on his face as Fenrir rubbed the backs of his hands against his own cheeks. "Hungry? I bet you're hungry, yes." He set Fenrir's head on his shoulder and looked for the bottle, only to notice Thor's equally stupid grin. "Shut up Thor."

"It's just, you're so comfortable with him, like this is your natural state. It's strange and yet fitting."

"I've had five years with him and nearly a thousand years of wishing he was with me. I enjoy every second I have with them." Loki rested his cheek on the top of Fenrir's head and inhaled the soft, powdery scent that filled him with warmth. Thor looked at him soppily and Loki nudged him aside just to make him stop. If only Odin could see them now.

Thor crossed the room and poked Steve in the shoulder,

"Awake my friend! It's morning."

Steve snorted and then sat up with a jolt, looking around in surprise. When he saw Loki he flushed and cleared his throat.

"Oh, good morning King Loki."

"Good morning Captain Rogers," Loki replied coolly.

"How –is Sigyn ok?" he asked with open concern.

"She –she is well now, but it was a difficult night for her, and myself. If she wishes for you to know more I'm sure she will tell you."

Steve nodded, standing up and wiping his mouth self-consciously. Loki found a bottle, warmed it with a quick tap of his hand, then sat down to feed Fenrir. Thor helped himself to some of the chocolates that someone had sent to Loki, then call,

"Morning Jor!"

Jörmungandr padded in, rubbing sleep from his eyes.

"Good morning," said Loki, shifting Fenrir's bottle to the same arm that was supporting him and reaching to hug his eldest in greeting. Jörmungandr wrapped his arms around Loki's neck, resting his mussy head on his shoulder. "How are you feeling?"

"Alright," Jörmungandr mumbled. "Hungry."

"Well, get dressed and we'll see about breakfast," said Loki. Jörmungandr nodded, but he did not let go. He seemed a little clingy and Loki indulged it. Thor looked soppy again, but he quickly looked away when Loki caught his eye. Steve shifted on his feet, looking like he wanted to say something, but before he could, his phone beeped. He checked it and looked uncomfortable.

"I, ah, I should go and, um…" he waved vaguely at the door with his phone.

"It's fine," said Loki, looking directly at him. "Go and look after her."

Steve met his gaze and a kind of understanding passed between them.

"I'll see you both later," Steve said and walked out. Thor gave Loki a funny look and Loki shook his head slightly. He had meant what he had said this morning to Sigyn. If having a new lover would help Sigyn be happy, he would not get in her way. He would have to prove it through actions before she would trust him again.

After all, he had his sons, his mother, his brother and closer friends than he had ever had before. How could he deny her having one person who cared about her?

Sigyn stared at her reflection, tracing the line of the scar on her face. She had spent so long hiding the scars that she had almost forgotten what they looked like. This one in particular was especially an irritant. It had been acquired during what had been a rather minor skirmish compared to everything else. She had been running from a horde of Malekith's forces and tripped, her face scratching against a sharp rock. That the most obvious scar was from something so stupid when the worst fights had not left such obvious marks was infuriating.

Reaching up, Sigyn passed her hand over her head, feeling the soft brush of stubble, finally growing again. It was slightly surreal, like she was in the wrong body as she dragged that hand down her neck and over her breasts. They felt familiar and alien in the same moment, sensitive to her touch in a way she did not recall them being before. There was a dull ache in them, and her nipples felt raw from Loki's sucking.

Sigyn's face burned with humiliation as she remembered how it had felt to have him wrap his lips around her nipple, tongue working against it to encourage the flow of milk.

Once she might have fondly anticipated such an experience, back when she and Loki had lived in their own bubble. She had always been thinking about new things they could explore in their sex life, always asking for new ways they could try.

Thinking back, she knew that part of that was because she had been chaffing at the bubble's yoke around her neck. They had called their times together, their trips to Midgard and the time in Loki's rooms, 'our freedom', but it had been a lie. They had been trapped, trapped in a cage that they had built for themselves.

Loki had left one cage, made by Angrboda, and built a new one for himself with her help.

No matter how hard Sigyn had tried, she had never been able to pull all of Angrboda from Loki's behaviour. She had had him too long, too young, and through their children, he could never truly banish her from his mind. He enjoyed his travels, but he always retreated back into a cage.

Sigyn found she missed the cage too, when the world outside became too much. Yet now she could not retreat. She had to stand and fight, and ignore the lure of the golden cage.

Her hand strayed down to her belly, feeling her womb which ached from being returned to her against her will. Somehow the fact that it had been a baby and not a man, not Loki, made the return less offensive. She still wished she had been the one to make the decision, but at least it had been an un-malicious, un-manipulative act. It had been… honest. Fenrir wanted a mother, he had tried to make her one, simple as that. She did not have to like it to understand it.

The hand strayed lower, but she pulled it back before anything could be touched. She was not ready to reconnect to that part of herself. There was too much wrapped up in it, too many conflicting thoughts and feelings. Sigyn knew she would have to come to terms with it, that she would have to use that part of herself to her advantage, whether it be for getting something from someone, or to produce Vanaheim's next ruler.

There was a knock on her door and she jumped.

"Sigyn? It's me," called Steve's voice. Sigyn grabbed for her wig automatically, then caught her own eyes in the mirror. She saw herself in the morning rays and found herself struck by the fear on her face. She was so afraid of what anyone would say about her if they saw her as she really was, if they saw her as anything other than composed and whole. Yet how much did anyone really believe in that image?

Berach looked at her with the kind of concern and love she had seen on Loki's face when he talked of the boys. Helpless, but still devoted. A father's love. He clearly did not believe the illusion. Aetril was too clever, too wise, to not see past her. Loki had seen all of this, so the three people she had most wanted to hide all of this from, had either never been fooled or now knew the truth.

Sigyn found herself letting go of the wig and turning away from her own reflection. She crossed the room, pausing only to pull a dark hooded top over her head. She hesitated when she touched the handle, resting her forehead on the door.

"Sigyn?" called Steve softly. He sounded worried. Sigyn squeezed her eyes shut. She did not know what to do with that sort of concern. Steve was not hired to care about her and he was not her lover or parental figure.

"Please don't react," she said, her voice tight as she turned the handle and pulled the door open, staying behind it as Steve walked in. She heard him turn to her, and swallowed against a dry mouth.

"Are you ok? Loki said you were ok, but… you don't seem to be."

Sigyn banged her head lightly against the door, trying to summon her courage.

"I… something happened last night. My magic was –was attacked by another's. Loki's baby boy, he used primal magic on me, and my magic has been brittle since the end of the invasion of my world."

Steve didn't reply straight away and when he did, his voice was cautious,

"Can you look at me, please?"

Sigyn screwed up her face, trying to make herself turn. She needed to do this, how could she face her subjects or Midgard's media if she could not face a single person? Slowly she managed to turn around, pressing back against the door as she pushed her hood back. She couldn't look higher than Steve's knees, but she heard the sharp intake of breath as he took her in.

"I've been living a lie," she admitted, unable to keep the self-loathing out of her voice, "I've hidden behind an attractive shell, to fool everyone into thinking that I'm… I'm undamaged by what happened to my world. But the truth is that this is what I am. I'm damaged and useless, not fit for ruling and-"

"Hey, hey, hey," said Steve, stepping up and touching her shoulder. Sigyn started at the contact and looked up at him. Steve's eyes roamed over her face, following the path of the scar, then met her eyes calmly. "Everyone hides parts of themselves, everyone can be ashamed of how they look. I was ashamed of how I looked for most of my life."

Sigyn raised her eyebrows in disbelief. Steve gave her a little grin,

"Before I looked like this, I was a short, scrawny kid who couldn't pass a fitness test. I'm only like this because of a brilliant scientist, and there are days when I still get surprised by my own reflection."

"It's a little different for you though, you look so…" Sigyn drank in his looks and was alarmed to realise how attractive Steve was. She had been perfectly aware of his handsome aesthetic yesterday but today… her belly gave a little flip.

'Oh no…'

Sigyn looked away from him to try and stem the sudden rush of heat that flooded her. Could she not control herself for even a day?

"Hey," said Steve again, touching her elbow. "Come on, don't be so hard on yourself."

"I'm sorry," she mumbled, hand coming up to cover her mouth. "I'm just… I'm struggling to find the courage to leave this room like this."

Steve was quiet for a moment, then said,

"Maybe I'm completely off the mark here, but why do you have to?"

Startled, Sigyn looked up at him. Steve tilted his head from side to side as if weighing his words, then said,

"Look, I'm always going to be a man who prefers direct honesty to anything else. I'm not a politician or anything like what you are. But I don't think this is about your public image, at least, not completely. I think right now this is about how you think you should be versus who you are."

"Is that not what I just said?" she asked wearily.

"You said you have to go out like this, with the scars and no wig, right? Why do you have to do that?"

"Because I can't continue to be a coward!"

"But no one else at this meeting is trying to expose themselves this way. All of Earth's politicians are dressed in their best clothes and manners. The other monarchs probably aren't thinking that they should go out there feeling at their worst. So why should you?"

"Because I… I…" Sigyn's voice failed her as she struggled to find a logical response to the question. When nothing came, she closed her mouth, unable to articulate the feelings in her chest and turned away again, dropping into the nearest chair and burying her face in her hands. She heard Steve move to sit opposite her, giving her space. She inhaled deeply through her nose and looked at him.

"Do you swim?" she asked.

"Uh, haven't in a long time. Back in my time I plunged an enemy ship into the ocean and was frozen. That's why I'm here now. If it was for a mission, I'd probably be willing to swim but not for fun." A minute shiver passed through him and she could see the shadow of fear cross his expression.

"Sometimes when I came here with Loki, when we got good at shapeshifting, we would cross oceans as sea creatures."

Steve's mouth fell open in wonder,

"You could turn into… wow!" His boyish excitement pulled a little smile from her. "What could you turn into? Mermaids?"

Sigyn chuckled,

"It's not a practical shape for long distance travelling. Why? Do you have a fantasy about being a sailor catching a mermaid in his net?" The words fell from her lips so easily that she did not realise the teasing tone she had used until Steve was already flushing red and squirming.

"I didn't mean, I just… how does it work?" he said quickly.

"It's hard to explain if you don't understand seiðr theory. It's different to altering our appearance, because it isn't just an external change. We almost think like the creatures we become, but we don't lose ourselves in it."

"So what do you turn into?"

"For the longest travels we would become whales or sharks, but we might change to another creature to explore interesting places. Besides, stretching yourself to such a huge size is draining. I liked being a… what would you call it? It's a very flat creature, with beautiful wings, gliding through the water effortlessly." Sigyn extended her arms, rippling them to give an effect of the animal.

"A Stingray?" asked Steve, quickly pulling an image up on his phone and showing her.

"Yes, like that," Sigyn nodded. "We could explore much more easily in that form. Once we came across a field of crabs and watched them shed their shells and regrow them. They have to break their old shells to grow, but when the new shell is hardening they're soft and vulnerable. I feel like those crabs right now, my shell is gone and I'm vulnerable to attack."

Steve nodded as if he understood and Sigyn felt that he actually did.

"So if that's how you feel, why are you trying to force yourself to be public with it?"

Sigyn gave him a sardonic smile, waving a hand at her face and head,

"Because this is what I am. This is all I am."

Steve hummed thoughtfully, then clasped his hands together between his knees.

"I have a friend, his name is Sam, and he works with people who have served in my country's military. Some of them have lost limbs, or have some other visible damage from battle. Sam tries to help them come to terms with their experiences and their losses. Talking to him, and thinking about the people I've served with past and present, I've learned that it's not healthy to allow your scars to define you."

Sigyn looked down at the floor, biting at her lip.

"You don't understand…"

"Do you want to expose your scars because you're proud of them, or because you want to punish yourself?"

Sigyn's head snapped up,

"What does that mean?"

"Look, I don't know you very well, I'd like to, but right now we're still getting to know each other. So I don't know who you were before all of this, but the way you talk about it makes me think you're not happy with your perception of yourself. Your scars are a part of you, sure, but you get to decide how much they define you."

Sigyn shook her head slightly, but did not speak. Steve stood up and held out his hand. Curious, Sigyn took it and let Steve lead her back to the mirror. Steve stood her in front of him, before the mirror,

"Do you want these scars on display?" he asked. Sigyn could not stop herself from shaking her head, ashamed of her own cowardice. "Sam says that a lot of the people he works with would rather they could hide the damage done to them, because they don't like that the scars define them to other people. Are your scars who you are? Because if they aren't, you don't need to force yourself to show them."

"But then I'm lying to my people, my vanity is more precious to me than the truth!"

"Is that really what you're doing, or are you representing your best self?" Steve stepped around to stand at her side, "When I first put on the Captain American uniform, I did feel I was only pretending to be a hero. I kept waiting for someone to pull the cowl off and say, 'You're nothing but a sickly kid from Brooklyn, go back where you came from.' I still feel that way sometimes. But I've learned that when I wear that uniform it helps inspire me to be the person I want to be."

Sigyn smiled bitterly,

"Dress as the person I aspire to be, not the person I feel like?"

"To a point. You should like who you are, so it's about finding the balance, or so Sam tells me." Steve looked at her, they were almost the same height, and he squeezed her fingers, "Like I said, we don't know each other well, but I don't feel that you've shown me a false version of you, or the public face. I like what I've seen, but if you don't, then that's ok, because I want to know who you feel you really are." Steve looked into the mirror, bringing Sigyn's eyes back to her own face. "What I've learned the last few years is that some people wear their scars as badges of honour, evidence of their bravery and strength in surviving, but many others would prefer if they could hide or heal their scars, because they don't want to be defined by them."

Which did Sigyn want?

"I'm not proud of how I got these scars," she admitted, "I did what I had to, or the best I could come up with. None of these were gained in victory, and looking at them just reminds me of those awful times. I don't want to be reminded by my own reflection, I see the results all around me back home. How can I help my people move forward if I'm constantly remembering the past?"

"If that's how you feel, why are you trying to make yourself expose them to the others? If you don't want to be defined by them, can't you use your magic to heal them?"

"I… I don't…" Sigyn's throat closed and she looked away.

"I'm sorry," said Steve at once, "I'm pushing too hard."

"No, no you're right, I know you're right. I'm being so self-absorbed."

"I wouldn't say that, but if you feel that way, what are you going to do about it?" asked Steve. Sigyn inhaled slowly, passing her hands over her head. What was she to do now? She needed to be strong for her people, but what was strength in this context? Exposing her scars, her damage to people she did not trust? That made no sense, what would be the point? Yet just covering them up felt like cowardice.

Sigyn closed her eyes, took a deep breath, summoned her seiðr, which flared weakly and passed her hands over her head again. This time she was stimulating the hair to grow and to her amazement, it responded. Hair started to grow under her fingers, covering her scalp and moving down to her neck. She stopped as it tickled the base of her skull, opened her eyes and looked at her reflection. Her breath caught in her throat as she saw the familiar colour of her own hair, and was struck with a painful recognition.

"I look like me!" she gasped, touching the cream coloured hair that felt as soft as a babe's, her chin wobbling with the sudden surge of emotion. It was true, with the return of her hair and her curves, she realised how much she had not recognised herself for so long. The figure in the mirror had been a desperate mix of things she had hope would strengthen her, but it had been like wearing someone else's face.

With trembling fingers, she reached up and traced the scar on her face, murmuring seiðr words. The skin around the scar tingled and it faded away until it was only the faintest shadow. She could have healed it completely but something made her leave just that bit. She ran her fingers through her hair again and shaped it so it was a short, layered style that she had never really had before, feathered bangs falling into her eyes in a way that felt protective.

With her seiðr feeling shaky after this use, she decided to just use clothes to hide the rest of her scars.

"How does that look?" she asked Steve softly. He smiled and squeezed her hand again,

"You look good, Queen Sigyn."

She let out a shaky laugh and squeezed back.

It's only now as I go to post that I realise that the chapter title is basically the catchphrase of Moana XD But that's ok, because I liked Moana! Baby Moana is the cutest thing I've ever seen in animated form.

Hopefully Steve isn't too preachy. I didn't want him to be that cringy version of himself that was in Spiderman. I don't think it was too far since usually these morals would have pushed Sigyn to bear her scars openly, but I don't think that's always the answer, especially when magic or technology can help heal them. It was an interesting conversation to write as I wasn't quite sure what the resolution would be.

If you enjoy this story please consider buying me a cup of coffee –see link in my profile.