Consequences

Chapter 37

"I've asked Hotch to take me home. There are some things I need to do there."

"Why don't I take you? I can help you with whatever you need, and then you can come and spend the night with us again." Seeing that he was about to refuse her, JJ added, "Please, Spence? I don't want you to be alone." Securing the deal with, "And I don't want to be alone, either."

"I'll come later, JJ, I just need Hotch to help me with some things. Believe me, I won't turn down a night with you and Henry."

She still didn't understand. Why insist on Hotch helping him instead of her? Were they going to move furniture? With a furrowed brow, she acquiesced.

"All right, I'll go on ahead. Want anything special for dinner?" Truly wanting to please him, but also testing that he was planning on being there in time for the meal.

"Nope, anything you make is good for me. I'm not all that hungry anyway." As he hadn't been, throughout the trial. He'd lost even more weight this week, and it was beginning to alarm her. JJ left him, planning the most calorie dense meal she could conjure up.

"Hotch, I need you to help me with some things. And I'm going to ask you not to tell JJ about it…not yet, anyway. She'll find out soon enough if the verdict doesn't go my way."

Hotch, driving, shot Reid a sideways glance. "What things?"

"I need to have a plan for what happens to everything I own…the apartment, the car, my books. I need to have a plan for what will happen to them if I'm gone."

Hotch chanced a longer look at his passenger, trying to assess his mood. Was he giving up? Depressed? At risk?

Reid caught the look and returned one of his own, then turned his eyes back to the road in front of them.

"I know I should try to be optimistic. And I am….trying, that is. But I need to prepare for things to go either way, don't I? I mean, if I'm guilty, I won't be coming home again, will I?"

Hotch didn't answer the question directly. There was something more pressing in what Reid had just said. And he was all too familiar with his young agent's insecurities.

"First of all, I want to be sure of something. You just said 'if I'm guilty', not 'if I'm found guilty'."

Reid shrugged. "What's the difference?"

Hotch shot him another glance. "Reid, I want to be sure about this. You do understand, don't you, that a verdict is just that, a verdict. It is a declaration made by the jury that, to the best of their knowledge, the events did or did not happen as described. The verdict says nothing about you as a person."

Reid snorted. "It may as well. Won't that be what everyone thinks?"

"It only matters what you think, Reid. I want to know that, even if the jury decides against us…..," making certain once again to use 'us' instead of 'you', "that you realize that what you did was right."

Reid turned to him, suddenly, and surprisingly, choked up. Somehow, in all of the preparation, the days in court, the days debriefing….somehow it had never been directly discussed between them. Their conversations had been about strategy, and anticipating the next move. But Hotch had never before overtly stated his approval of what Reid had done.

"Do you mean that, Hotch? I mean, you're not just saying it to me? Did I do the right thing?"

Aaron Hotchner had a son. And a brother. And yet, despite the biologic and chronologic impossibility, Reid was like both to him. In this moment, he gleaned just how much his approval meant to his young charge. It also made him realize how little he voiced his approval to any of those in his command. He expected excellence, and they delivered. In this moment, he vowed to himself to be more generous with the praise he so often lavished on them only in his thoughts.

"Yes, of course, Reid. There was nothing else you could have done. And you saved Declan's life." He paused. Apologies came hard to him. "I'm sorry if I've never said that to you before. You did the right thing. You made me proud of my team."

In his peripheral vision, Hotch could see a small, astonished smile cross Reid's lips.

Despite Hotch's assurances, Reid was insistent on making plans.

"I don't have any family who can handle this for me, Hotch. I just need to know that it will be taken care of. Just in case."

Hotch relented. He had Reid give him 'power of attorney' privileges so that he could pay bills and take care of the lease on his apartment. He assured Reid that Morgan would garage his car at one of his rental properties. The contents of the apartment could go into storage. Rossi had plenty of room.

Hotch watched as Reid slowly surveyed his apartment, as though for the last time. The younger man walked the bookshelves with his hands, sometimes stopping to actually caress a book. He was worried about the quality of the storage for these prized possessions.

"Reid, we'll make sure they're in a dry place. Among us, we'll be able to take care of them."

Reid was staring at a section that contained his favorite authors. These were the ones he always pulled down when he was upset, whose wisdom or familiarity of voice always soothed him. He turned to Hotch.

"Do you think they would let me have some books? I mean, of my own? In my cell?"

Hotch wanted to drive the idea of prison from Reid's mind, but he could see that the young genius needed this assurance.

"I think so, Reid. I think it would be minimum security." Choosing not to remind Reid that minimum security usually came after a stay in a more stringent, less facilitative institution.

"Well, if they let me, these are the books I would want, okay? So don't put these into storage."

Hotch was standing close enough to Reid to be able to see that the trembling was now visible to the naked eye. It was also causing a tremulousness to Reid's voice. Hotch decided that he needed to get the young man to the person who seemed best able to calm him.

"If that's everything, why don't we head over to JJ's? I'm sure she's got dinner waiting for you."

Reid packed a few items, including two of his favorite books, and headed to the car.

They didn't talk about it. Both of them knew that, just like last night, this might be their last together for years. Just as would every night be, until the verdict was announced. It's enough to make us crazy, thought JJ. She put Henry to work creating a distraction for his godfather.

"Uncle Spence, can we make this?" Henry was pointing to the racetrack kit he'd gotten for Christmas. "It has a loopy loop!"

Reid laughed. "A loopy loop, huh? Well let's just see what we can do with that."

After they'd dumped the contents of the box, Henry handed Reid the instruction manual, as he was used to doing with his father. Reid just put it aside.

"No need for that, Henry. We'll use our imagination!"

It turned out that 'imagination' took at least an hour longer than 'following the instructions', but godfather and godson enjoyed the time immensely. They constructed several prototypes in succession, rejected each, and then finally created the track displayed on the package. Reid harrumphed to JJ.

"If they want kids to really learn from these things, they have to stop making them so that they can only fit together a certain way, with just the right number of parts. The way they make it now, every kid has to play with it in exactly the same way. How is that a good thing?"

JJ saw an opportunity. "Well, I think you showed Henry what he could do when he used only the parts he wanted to, the way he wanted to. It was fun for him, learning to do it his own way. I think we're going to need to schedule a lot more godfather and godson time together."

She wanted Reid's mind focused on the future, when he would be together with them…..no matter what the immediate future might hold.

He was too mindful of his situation to be put off. "Well, if I can't do it for a while, maybe you can do it for me. Just make sure he knows how to use his imagination, okay?"

"Okay." She kissed him, loving his investment in her son. Together they put Henry to bed, each reading him a story and then listening to his prayers…which ended with a "and please let Uncle Spence come over every night, so we can play."

From your mouth to God's ear, Little Man, each of the adults thought, in silence.

Their lovemaking was a little more of everything tonight…a little more frantic, a little more desperate, a little more defiant of the future. Living with the uncertainty for a second straight night made it impossible for them to ignore it. The tension was rising. When they'd exhausted themselves, they lay in bed, entwined, holding one another.

She lay against him, eyes closed. He couldn't tell if she was sleeping. He whispered. "JJ."

Not sleeping. She opened her eyes to him, and he had to keep himself from falling into them, as he so often did.

"Tomorrow…..or whenever…..I don't want you there."

"Where? What?"

"When they read the verdict. I don't want you there."

JJ pushed herself to sit up. "Why not? Spence, I want to support you."

"You can support me from outside. Please, I don't want you there. If…..I don't want you to have to watch it."

He was thinking about what he'd been told, what he'd forced Hotch to tell him. If he was judged guilty, he would go directly to confinement. He might even be handcuffed. He didn't want JJ to have that image of him.

"But how …what if you need me?"

I already need you, every hour, every day. Aloud, he responded, "Hotch will be with me. Please, JJ, do as I ask. Please."

She could see his determination. "All right. But I'll be right outside. If you want me, just get word to me. I'll be there."

He wasn't done. "And JJ? Please don't bring Henry to see me. I don't want him in a place like that. And I don't want him to think of me that way."

She fought back tears, shaking her head. "It won't be a problem, Spence, because you're not going anywhere. When the verdict is read, and the jury agrees that you did only what you had to…then you're coming home. With us."

She could see that he was about to protest, to continue making plans for the bad outcome. JJ put her palm up to stop him. "Enough. I don't want to talk about that anymore. It's not going to happen."

He let her have her way, humoring her need to anticipate the best, when he could only focus on the worst.

Morgan came by early the next day, bent on getting Reid back to the gym. He wasn't used to feeling as helpless as he had throughout the trial, and he wanted to do something for his good friend. Having watched the weight peel off Reid over the past two weeks, Morgan thought he might be able to ignite a little fire in both the man and his appetite.

Reid went along with him, albeit reluctantly. He was increasingly exhausted from lack of restful sleep, and didn't think he would have the energy to tackle the bag. But JJ encouraged him, and he hadn't the heart to deny her anything. Not now, with so little time left.

'So little time left'. Reid realized he'd abandoned thinking about any outcome other than the worst. A part of his brain realized that it was his attempt to gain control over a situation that was uncontrollable, this preparing for the worst possible turn of events. But it was also demoralizing. He needed to fight it, or he would find himself spiraling down to a place that was dangerous for anyone, let alone someone with a history of addiction. He agreed to go with Morgan.

Four hours later, they were both drenched in sweat, and there were six pummeled portraits on the ground. Donner, Helen Faith, Erin Strauss and three of the congressmen from the committee had been torn to shreds by the blows each of them laid on the bag. Morgan grinned at his pupil.

"You did some job on that last one, Pretty Boy. Remind me to stay on your good side from now on."

Reid was panting. "You've never been anything but, Morgan. Even when you call me 'Pretty Boy'." Reid threw him a grin in return.

"Point taken. Let's go get us some lunch."

"Great. I'm starving!"

The rest of the day was punctuated by a series of phone calls and texts from Katie. She'd been given the identity of the jury foreman….one of Donner's pick. Not good.

The jury had asked to review JJ's testimony. Good.

They'd also asked to review the testimony of the prosecution's 'addiction expert'. Not good.

"But don't get discouraged. It looks like two to one against, but it's more the quality of the testimony that's important. JJ was a pretty powerful witness."

Then the notice that they'd asked to review Will's testimony. That one was such a mixed bag that they couldn't tell if it was 'good' or 'not good'.

JJ was wishing Katie would stop giving them updates, as she could see Reid tense up a little more with each contact. She finally convinced him to ask her to hold off, and the attorney agreed.

For the remainder of the day, the couple created a cocoon around themselves and Henry. They eschewed every form of media. No newspaper, no television, no radio, no computer. What they couldn't hear couldn't hurt them. The world couldn't touch them. They were safe. If only they could find a way to make it last.

The three made pizza together for dinner, each able to choose what went on their slices.

"Chocolate chips on pizza, Henry? Are you sure?"

"Chocolate chips are good on everything, Mommy! Right, Uncle Spence?"

"Henry, my man, you might be on to something. This could be dinner and dessert all in one. Maybe we should call it 'dennert'. What do you think?"

Henry was giggling. "You're silly, Uncle Spence!" JJ watched as Reid laughed along with him. It was the first time in days that she'd seen him look relaxed, and free.

After dinner, they played games until it was time for Henry to go to bed. He got his two stories, and then uttered his prayers. "Thanks for a really great day, today, God. Can we have another one tomorrow?"

Amen, thought Reid.

He and JJ had just settled on the sofa when he got another text from Katie. They looked at each other when they heard the alert, knowing that she'd agreed to contact him only with vitally important information.

'Ford granted permission for late jury hours. Near verdict.'

Immediately Reid's heart was racing. JJ thought his trembling had returned in full force as well, but it was difficult to determine, as she was trembling herself. She felt sick.

Reid shot up from the sofa. "I can't sit still. I need to move. I don't…I don't know what to do."

JJ understood. She felt the same way. She wanted to run, to work out, to do something.

"Talk to me, JJ. Tell me something. Anything."

"While you're pacing?"

"Yes! Just talk to me."

She had an idea. They could move together and talk at the same time. She got up and put on some music. "We'll dance."

He looked at her like she was crazy. Now? "Dance? I don't know how to dance."

"Nothing to it. Give me your hand. Now, put the other one on my back. Then, move your feet in time to the music." He did, for a few measures. "There, see, you're dancing."

"I'm dancing. I'm waiting to hear if I'm going to be put into prison, and I'm learning to dance."

They looked at each other, realizing the incongruity of it. The utter ridiculousness. And, perversely, they burst out laughing. It turned into one of those bouts of uncontrollable laughter, the kind that leaves one in tears. But the episode only served to remind them of what might be lost in the coming minutes or hours. The companionship, the joy of being together. And, gradually, the tears became real.

"Come here, you're too far away." Reid gave up on the traditional stance of the dancer, and pulled JJ all the way to him, once again moving in time to the music. They moved together, swaying, arms around one another, leaning on one another, taking in the scent of one another, memorizing one another.

Their moment didn't last long. Reid would forever remember the exact time that Katie called. At precisely 9:07 PM, he began the formal countdown.

"They've got a verdict. Judge Ford has dismissed them for the night. We're to be in court at 9 AM. I'm feeling good, Reid. Stay strong."

Eventually, more from habit than any indication that they would be able to sleep, the couple retired.

There would be no lovemaking this evening, they hadn't the heart for it. Instead, they lay in bed, spooned together, silent, holding on. Well into the wee hours of the morning, Reid finally drifted off for an hour or so, awakening to the sensation of cold. JJ's warmth was gone from the bed. Thinking she might be checking on Henry , he waited for her to return. When she didn't, he got up to look for her.

The house was dark, but he could hear sounds coming from the kitchen, and headed there. He caught the gleam of moonlight on blonde hair at the kitchen table. She was sitting, faced away from him, her head in her arms, sobbing. Reid went to her, kneeling beside her.

He'd moved quietly, but she felt his presence. She looked up at him, shaking her head.

"I didn't want to do this." She had trouble getting it out, her breaths interrupted by sobs.

"What?"

"This. I didn't want our last night to be like this, just crying and being sad. But I started, and I couldn't stop. That's why I came out here, so you wouldn't know."

Still kneeling, he opened his arms, and JJ collapsed into him. He held her tightly as she cried against him. She'd held so much in, but now it was all escaping its confines.

"Spence, this shouldn't have happened. You're such a good man. You're …..I love you. I love you so much. God, I'm so angry! I'm so angry! I don't like feeling helpless!" She sobbed the words. She'd tried so hard to be the one to remain optimistic, but the fear of losing him tomorrow had overcome her.

There wasn't anything he could say. He could only kneel there with her, and hold her. Her distress actually served to take his mind off his own. He could be strong, if only for her.

Once she had quieted, Reid lifted them both. "Come on, let's go back to bed. If you need to cry, cry. But stay with me."

They spent the next hours lying together, sometimes talking, sometimes quiet. JJ finally drifted off just before dawn.

Realizing that she had fallen asleep, Reid slid carefully out of the bed. He dressed in darkness, and then stood and watched her as she slept. He knew he hadn't the strength for a protracted, heartbreaking goodbye, and so would leave without waking her. His eyes traveled slowly along the length of her body, taking her in, to hold her in memory for as long as he needed to.

Next, Reid went to say the same kind of goodbye to Henry. The little boy was almost upside down on his bed, holding Brownie, somehow managing to look comfortable, and even angelic, in an almost comical position. Reid smiled. He loved this Henry. But he realized that the four year old Henry he knew would be gone by the time he saw him again. Children change so much, so quickly. Seven year old Henry would be a completely different child. Reid knew he would never see this Henry again. And the idea nearly overwhelmed his control. He bit back tears as he bid a silent goodbye to his godson.

She'd been frightened, and then furious, when she realized he was gone. But then she found the note he'd left.

Dear JJ,

I love you. That's all. I love you. And the thought of saying goodbye to you overwhelms me. I truly don't think I have the stamina for it. So please try to forgive me. Yes, I'm a coward. But I'm a coward who loves you.

Please make sure Henry knows I love him, too. Please don't let him think I wanted to leave him. I know you'll look out for him. You're a great mom. It's just that I know what it's like for a little boy to feel like he's been abandoned. Please make sure Henry knows that I would never abandon him.

I love you. You've changed my life, JJ. I know it seems crazy to say this right now, but I feel like I'm a lucky man. Even if my luck doesn't hold out today, I'm grateful for what time I had with you.

With all my love, Spence

Her fury subsided, replaced by love...and that insidious fear.

The defense team was seated at their table, Hotch and Katie each keeping an eye, and hand, on Reid. Katie's foot was tapping incessantly. She might not have as high a price to pay, but she was just as anxious about the verdict. They all watched as the jury filed into their seats, none making eye contact with the defense.

Outside the courtroom, JJ paced in front of Rossi. The others were in the gallery, a show of support for their colleague.

"He won't let me go in there, Rossi. I wanted to be with him. He's so scared. What if he needs me?"

Rossi tried to be the voice of calm. He could see that Reid wasn't the only one who was scared.

"If he needs you, one of the others will come for you, and you can go right in. It will be all right, cara."

Inside the courtroom, Judge Ford entered and took his seat. There were a few items of procedure to complete first, and then he turned to look at Reid.

"Will the defendant, Spencer Reid, please rise?"

Reid didn't feel like his legs would hold him up as he pushed back his chair. Hotch helped to lift him with a hand on his arm. He kept it there, holding Reid tightly, feeling the tremors, as Katie laid her hand on his other arm.

In the gallery, Garcia's eyes were tightly shut in a silently uttered prayer. Morgan sat with thin lips, a grim, determined look on his face. Emily had bitten her nails completely to the quick, and was tapping her foot furiously.

Judge Ford turned to the jury foreman, and spoke the formal language of the court. "Has the jury reached a verdict in the matter of the people versus Spencer Reid, as to the charge of criminally negligent manslaughter?"

"We have, Your Honor."

"And what have you concluded?"

The foreman stood and opened the folded paper that contained the verdict. He began to read.