Cold Summer Heat Chapter 37
I don't own R and I.
A/N: I appreciate the comments and pm's I received concerning this story. There were quite a few people that suggested stepping away for a bit and coming back, so that is what I've done. Never is a story just a story to the writer and sometimes there is a need to take a step back. Thank you to those that recognize that. I have a writer friend who always takes care of the reader. As an avid reader myself, I believe that to be most valuable. So, with that being said...on with the story.
Sincerely,
Whitebordeaux
Jane stared at herself in the mirror as she slowly pulled a brush through her long hair. She was pleased that her hair had grown back and that there was no obvious physical reminders of her surgery. It had taken months, but her headaches were virtually non-existent now and for that Jane couldn't be any more grateful. Jane searched her own eyes as they stared back at her. She found herself looking for answers often this way and convinced herself that eventually they would be there. Not today, not yet.
The past couple of months had been grueling and Jane wasn't sure if she was resentful or grateful to have suffered through them alone. She had initially refused, but then accepted Maura's suggestion that they take a step back from one another. She and Maura had kept in touch as Jane was very concerned with how Maura was dealing with the aftermath of Terry Whileman's shooting. She hated hearing the concern in Maura's voice over the phone each time she called. And she hated hearing her decline every invitation to come over. Jane missed Maura liked crazy on one hand, but on the other she knew she needed the time. Maura was right, they both had so much to work through. So much to figure out, to understand.
Jane knew that her physical health was key to her all around recovery and she couldn't remember ever having trained so hard. Even getting through the academy wasn't as demanding on her body as recovering from her latest injuries had been. She felt strong, sure of herself for the first time in a long time as she stood in front of her mirror. Today she was due back to work. She had gotten cleared for full active duty and the sigh of relief Jane expelled at her doctor's words was empowering.
The excitement of being told she was good to go was now being overshadowed by a bit of nervousness. Jane was ready to return, ready to resume her role, ready to assume her identity. She could hear Maura's voice in her head telling her that her job does not define her. Jane knew this, but lately she couldn't quite figure out who she was. She found herself questioning everything about herself trying to find the answers she felt she so desperately needed.
Jane made her way through the apartment, stopping by the kitchen for her morning coffee. She was looking forward to seeing Maura. She was looking forward to seeing everyone back at work, but she was especially needing to see Maura again. She needed to see Maura as they were, in a working capacity. Jane knew Maura was a professional. She knew Maura wouldn't jeopardize a case or risk losing any evidence on a subject simply because Jane couldn't figure out what she wanted. Jane was counting on Maura to be Dr. Maura Isles today. Who she was to Jane afterward would remain to be seen.
Jane had worked hard, physically, mentally and emotionally. She doubted her ability as a cop, detective and even as a woman. Her career had taken off so fast for her that she found herself running through life never slowing long enough to live it. Never noticing the people in it for more than what they wanted from her, needed from her. She had to find herself and define who she was before she could ever be honest with Maura. She had every intention of being honest with Maura. That woman deserved no less than that and so much more than anything Jane could offer her.
It had been weeks since Jane had seen Maura. Jane caved numerous times, yet Maura stood her ground, their ground for at least she understood the importance of the separation. Jane feared Maura had come to the realization that her feelings for Jane were simply due to the traumatic events that preceded her confessions. Jane would hear Maura's voice on the phone and want to plead with her to meet. Somewhere, anywhere. Just so she could see her. Most of Jane's realizations came when she couldn't see Maura, and it really was no different now. Jane would never admit her fears on the phone, yet Maura would always end their short conversations saying the same thing. "I'm still here. And so are you." Jane would hang up so frustrated. Why couldn't they work through this together? Why wouldn't Maura allow Jane to see her?
Summer was over and fall would be shortly. Jane realized this as she headed out toward her car. The time had gone by so fast, seasons changing as they did every year. Only this time, winter seemed to be approaching quicker than usual. It was okay, the coldness served to numb where the heat served to remind. Remind Jane of all that had happened, could have happened, might would happen. The air was cool and Jane took a few minutes to breathe it in. It only took a few minutes to let it wind its way through her lungs and back out through her mouth. Jane didn't think it was quite cold enough to see her breath, but she could and did. She took a few minutes to watch her breathing, like she would as a kid. She took a few minutes to breathe, realizing it felt good. She scanned her surroundings before getting to her car. What once was a nervous habit or a job trait was now simply something she wouldn't take for granted. Jane would never forget the fear and frustrations that came with losing her sight, but it was nothing compared to what she was losing now that she could see.
Jane felt her lungs grow heavy when she suddenly realized why Maura refused to visit. Refused to let Jane see her. She suddenly realized why Maura insisted they work through their ordeal separately. Jane once called Maura the dumbest genius she knew and now she smiled when she wondered how Maura would describe Jane. Maura knew what she was doing from the beginning and it took Jane this long to figure it out. Jane was sure of how she felt for Maura when she couldn't see her. She could only see with her heart and her feelings were so very clear. It was when she regained her sight that things became blurred. How could Jane not see that? She wanted to see Maura so badly. She needed to see Maura so clearly. She simply wanted to see Maura.
"Hey!" Korsak was the first to greet the returning detective as Jane marched toward her desk. "Was beginning to wonder about you."
"Yeah, me too." Jane allowed the hugs that followed from Korsak and then Frost. "How're you doing, partner?"
"I am so close, Jane. So close to losing my mind. How did you ever work side by side with this man?" Frost playfully shoved Korsak away so that he could embrace his partner.
"Ah, he grows on ya." Jane was all smiles. She had missed the playful banter between her former and current partner. She felt a gentle tug at her heart as she knew there was nothing either man wouldn't do for her. They both were unbelievable when it came to doing what had to be done. To find Maura and then ultimately to find Jane.
"Rizzoli!" Jane flinched at the familiar, welcomed holler from her captain's office. She rolled her eyes, but couldn't help but smile as she turned and headed in. She was back and Cavenaugh knew it.
"How ya feeling, Rizzoli?" Shawn's smile was genuine and Jane let a deep breath escape for answering.
"I'm good, Sir. I'm really good."
"Well, ya look good. Glad you're back. We've got three homicides dropped yesterday, another today. None of them seem related except for the two that graveyard got last night. Don't know if we're looking at a serial or just the people of Boston going nuts. I have two detectives out on medical and one retired and one resign. I'm up to my eyeballs here and my boss will soon be your boss if I cannot makes some sense of everything...I need these cases solved and closed like yesterday. Follow me Rizzoli?"
"Yes sir." Jane's voice was strong, confident and she was glad to be back to work. She needed to work and it seemed like she would be working a lot in the upcoming days.
"Good. Get your coffee. You'll going to need it." Cavenaugh came around to where Jane stood. He held out his hand and waited for Jane to take it. "I'm glad you're back, Jane. Missed you around here. Go spare your partner, Korsak been going a bit old school on him."
"Yes sir." Jane couldn't help but laugh as she watched the bickering between Frost and Korsak from her boss' window.
"Alright, Korsak. Fill me in." Jane placed her jacket on the back of her chair and began sifting through the mounds of paperwork on her desk.
Korsak sat down at Jane's desk and waited until she gave him her full attention. "Have you seen Dr. Isles yet?"
"No, why? Is she okay?" Jane cringed at the familiar tug she felt with Vince's words. She wondered if she would always feel this pull when it came to Maura. She bet she would, she hoped she would.
"Yeah, yeah, Jane she's fine. She's been swamped the last few days, but we all have." Korsak stared at Jane as he talked.
"Then what is it?" Jane's impatience was immediate and Korsak could only smile at much they missed her.
"Come with me." Korsak ordered Jane to follow him, knowing she would without argument. Jane glanced at Frost who only shrugged, before jogging to catch up with the older detective.
Once inside one of the interrogation rooms, Vince closed the door and ordered Jane to sit down. He sat down himself knowing Jane was trying to read him. "Is she okay, Vince. Don't do this to me."
Korsak sighed at the way Jane pleaded with him that there be no more bad news. "Jane, she's been off lately."
"Ya think?" Jane's voice was rough and she heard the emotion in it herself. "She's been through hell, Korsak."
"I know she has. So why are you torturing her like this?"
Jane could feel her mouth drop at Korsak's words. "You're going to have to explain that one to me, partner. I've been gone awhile, I realize that, but I really don't see where you're going with that." Jane could feel the anger creeping up through her body, but wasn't sure who to be angry at. Or even if she should be angry at all.
"I know I'm quite a bit older. I know I don't fully understand how things work these days. Hell in my day, you met them, married them, loved them, and divorced them. Black and white." Korsak paused to give Jane a chance to rescue him. He knew she wouldn't when she gave him that stare to continue...at his own risk. "She loves you, Jane. She told me this in the hospital. She told me that was why she was so upset that day here at the house before she was taken."
"Korsak, you lost me." Jane's head was beginning to spin and she wondered what it was Korsak was trying to tell her.
"Do you remember how upset she was, almost angry when she left that day? You knew something was wrong with her, but she basically told you off." Korsak breathed a bit easier when Jane was able to catch on. "She was upset because she had overheard a conversation between you and Bradley. She knew she had feelings for you then, but I think the extent of those feelings scared her."
"Korsak, get to the point." Jane did remember that day. And she remembered that night. Bradley. The phone call. The phone call from Maura.
"She told me in the hospital when she believed she wouldn't make it. You know Dr. Isles woke up from surgery to basically give herself her own prognosis. Well, at that time she believed she wasn't going to make it and she confessed to me how she felt about you."
Jane let her back hit the back of her chair. "I know, Korsak. We've talked some since, but she wouldn't see me these last few months. What's going on with her? Do you know?"
"She's doing well medically it seems. She's been crazy busy here at work, which I think she's relieved to have that to keep her busy." Korsak looked Jane in the eyes and held her gaze. "She doesn't confide in me, not like she did that day in the hospital. But, Jane, I can see it when she gives me her findings or calls us down to the morgue. She needs to know from you if you do feel the same."
Jane rubbed her temples with her fingers, letting Korsak's words settle into her head. "I may be too late. I may have pushed her away because I was scared."
"Jane back in my day, men didn't love men and women didn't love women. Not out in the open, anyway." Jane loved how uncomfortable Korsak was talking about this with her. It matched how uncomfortable Jane was as well. "Things are different now. Times have changes. How you love somebody hasn't changed though. You don't chose who you love. You can deny it all you want. But there is no denial within one's heart. Jane, the heart don't lie."
Jane could feel the tears begin and she forced herself to toughen up. Not here, not now. Not with Korsak, her partner, her friend, her mentor.
"Jane, what is love to you?" Korsak's tone had changed and the fatherly way he talked to her allowed her guard to all but disappear. "Define it. Can you?"
Jane looked up at Vince then amazed at how much this man really did understand. She wiped the one tear that did escape before speaking slowly and clearly. "Love is giving somebody the ability to destroy you, but trusting them not to."
"Sounds like something Dr. Isles would say." Korsak was shocked a bit at Jane's words and how precisely she delivered them.
"Yeah it does, doesn't it." Jane smiled at Korsak, knowing he understood things way better than he let on.
"Jane, do you trust Maura?"
"I do." Jane did trust Maura. She trusted her more than she trusted herself.
"I'll keep Cavenaugh busy. Go to her. Talk to her." Korsak took Jane's hand from across the table. He let his thumb gently rub the top of it calling attention to her scar. They had seen a lot and been through a lot together and Jane appreciated him and he her. "Tell her."
Jane sat alone for a few minutes trying to collect her thoughts She wanted to see Maura. She wanted to talk to Maura. She wanted to love Maura. She had to talk to Maura and she wouldn't wait any longer.