Chapter 36 – Murky Waters

They left the inn early the next morning to the chagrin of three very hung-over wardens. Oghren, Sigrun and Anders looked as if they had been drinking well into the wee hours, but Alyx was in no mood to cater to their lack of judgment. In fact, it almost seemed as if she was determined to punish them for their poor behavior, though Nate knew better than to think that was truly the case. No, their Commander's sudden mood-swing was definitely a product of something else entirely.

He'd noticed her distraction almost immediately that morning and could only assume that it had something to do with whatever she and Anders had been up to the night before. Just thinking about it made his hackles rise, but the fact that the mage was likely still drunk and that Alyx had a storm cloud the size of Amaranthine hovering over her head made him think whatever had happened between them last night hadn't been good. Apart of him wanted to be thrilled by this unforeseen juncture, but he just couldn't bring himself to feel anything but concern for their Commander's obvious misery.

Alyx drove them hard, only stopping them when it was absolutely necessary. Her earlier stance that there was no rush to get back to the Vigil seemed to have been left in the dust of the Pilgrim Path along with her good humor. Now she was like a woman possessed. Nate was fairly certain that if it hadn't been for the horses she would have kept them traveling straight through the night without pause, though he couldn't argue with the results. When they finally did stop for the night it was within half a day's ride from the keep. Tomorrow they would be home.

Home. He never thought to ever consider the Vigil home again after, well…everything, but now it felt more welcoming than it ever had before. The keep had a new life to it, a sort of frenetic energy that had never been there in his father's tenure as Arl, but there was so much more to it than that. He had a real place there, and a purpose that not only kept him occupied but had genuine meaning, and it was all due to the one woman that had come to mean everything to him. If only she could see that and accept it…accept him.

No one dallied for very long once camp was set for the night. They ate quickly and silently (well, mostly silently…Sigrun was not one to keep quiet for more than a few minutes at a time) and one by one each of his companions excused themselves for the night. Before long only Alyx, Justice and he remained. Nate watched her from across the fire under the cover of cautiously hooded eyes. What is she thinking about? He wondered as he studied her expression intently. She had propped her back against a tree, her arms wrapped tightly around her knees as she stared into the fire, her gaze never wavering from the flickering flames. His heart ached at the strain that showed clearly in the depths of those haunting eyes. Surely there was something he could do to help? She didn't so much as blink as he circled the fire to crouch beside her.

"Lex," he called softly.

"Hmm? Did you say something?" she asked as she mentally shook herself free from her thoughts.

"Is everything alright? You seem a little distracted," he said.

Alyx sighed.

"I was just thinking about what our next course of action should be. I hate to admit it, but I'm at a loss," she replied heavily. "During the blight there was always something to be done; that next step that brought us ever closer to the archdemon, but now…I can't help but feel that I'm missing something, some vital piece of information that ties everything together and it worries me. I can't expect our enemy to simply come calling, nor would I want them to, but…I want an end to this, Nate."

"I think we can all agree to that," Nate replied. "I understand your concern, but you're not alone in this, Lex. I know as Commander you feel responsible for us, but we're a team. We'll get through this."

"Since when did you become such an optimist?" she asked, a half-smile twitching up one side of her mouth.

"Since I met you," he replied simply.

Where did that come from? He asked himself in surprise. He was only being honest, but it wasn't like him to just blurt out whatever was on his mind. Still, it pleased him when Alyx's cheeks flushed prettily at the compliment.

A sudden nervous energy flowed through Nate as he realized that they were essentially alone for the first time in weeks. He glanced briefly in Justice's direction to see the spirit/man standing just at the outskirts of the camp, staring up at the moon with his hands folded behind his back. He'd been standing like that for what seemed like hours and was unlikely to come back to the fireside any time soon. It was the perfect opportunity.

It's now or never Howe, he told himself as he took a deep, steadying breath.

"Look, I know this isn't exactly the best time for this, but I've been meaning to talk to you about what happened in the armory."

"There's no need—"

"There is a need. Much was left unsaid that day, things I should have told you long before now. It certainly wasn't the way I wanted to tell you…to show you…Andraste knows you deserve more than that, but seeing you with Anders…Maker! You must think me a jealous fool! And perhaps I am," he said, an ironic smile briefly crossing his lips. "But I need you to know that there was more behind my actions than petty jealousy."

"Nate, I—" she began but he silenced her with a press of his fingertips to her lips.

"I've come to care for you, Lex, a great deal. I'm beginning to think I always have. Even when I distrusted you I was drawn to you despite myself, and I hated you all the more for it. But then I began to see your compassion and your strength of spirit; that wonderful fire that's always there beneath the surface," he continued as he brushed his knuckles lightly across her jaw. His heart began to pound as her eyes widened and he felt her breath warm across his skin as her lips parted in surprise. "I didn't dare hope that there could ever be anything between us, not after what my father did to you, but then when I kissed you I felt…I felt…Maker, Lex. Tell me I'm not the only one. Tell me you felt something."

He could see the panic in her eyes as she struggled to find words. His gaze was drawn to her lips when she licked them nervously and just like that, he was a drowning man. Somehow his hands had found their way to her arms and his head was bending closer to hers. He couldn't stop himself even if he wanted to. He needed this as he needed his next breath. When his lips were within an inch of her own he felt her suddenly stiffen in his grasp. It was such a subtle movement and yet to him it was like a slap in the face. White hot anger shot through his veins, and for a few seconds he didn't dare move lest he do something he might later regret, but he knew it was no use. He was fighting a losing battle with his emotions.

"Damn it Alyx!" he growled angrily as he struck the tree behind her with the flat of his hand and shot up from the ground in the same movement. "If you don't want me then say so! Just…don't keep me in this purgatory any longer. My heart can't take it," he rasped, disgusted by the crack in his voice that betrayed his emotions more than anything else.

He waited for her to say something, anything, but she simply sat there, eyes wide and pleading as she remained frozen in place. Just say it! he thought as she pinched her lips tightly together. It was almost as if she wanted to answer him but was forcing herself to remain silent. It only served to anger him further. Nate could feel his hands begin to shake as the silence continued to stretch. He quickly balled them into fists to stop their trembling before she could notice. He couldn't take this any longer. He had to get away.

"Nathaniel!"

The waver of emotion in her voice stopped him dead in his tracks, but he just couldn't turn back and see the rejection that was surely in her eyes. He'd told her he hadn't hoped…he lied, both to her and to himself. Hope had bubbled up inside of him unbidden, and now it was shattered along with his heart. He'd been wrong to ever think she would see him as anything other than what he was...the washed-up son of a monster.

"It's Anders isn't it?" he asked hoarsely.

Again silence, this time worse than the last.

"Go to him if that's what you want, but I'll be damned if I have to stand by and watch it."

He never saw Alyx wipe at her eyes before the unshed tears could fall from them, nor did he see her rise unsteadily to her feet and walk out of the camp, only to disappear into the foreboding darkness of the surrounding woods.

Alyx walked blindly through the forest for what seemed like hours. She didn't know where she was going or what she was doing; only that she had to get away. Luckily the moon was high and bright in the sky, clearly illuminating the path before her. Eventually she came to a clearing with a crystalline pool at its center. It was partially protected by a sheer rock face on the far side of its banks, which explained why the water was so utterly still despite the soft breeze that rustled her hair. She could see the moon reflected perfectly in its glassy surface, not unlike a mirror or a highly polished shield. Even as agitated as she was she could not help but admire the natural beauty of this place, however briefly.

She fell to her knees at the side of the lake and waited for the tears, but none would come despite the stinging of her eyes. Isn't that just typical? She thought wryly. Here she'd been scolding herself for becoming something of a watering pot lately and now, when she needed to cry the most, she couldn't. It was just one more thing to add to her steadily growing list of personal grievances. Or failures more like, she silently added.

It had all happened so fast. First Anders and now Nathaniel…everything was falling apart and it was all her fault. The idea of neutrality had seemed like such a prudent plan; one that would allow her to come to terms with her feelings and at the same time, ensure that neither man would get hurt in the process. She hadn't expected them to confront her quite so soon, nor did she ever consider that they might think she was being selfish, even cruel by withholding her feelings. Her heart ached at the thought that she had wounded them far more this way than she ever would have had she just been honest with them from the beginning. A part of her had wanted to tell them, but when the choice had been taken from her she'd simply frozen up. She knew a mere apology would not suffice to fix this, and it was more than likely she'd ruined her chances for happiness with the one she did love, perhaps forever.

"It is not safe to be in these woods alone," a masculine voice pronounced behind her. Startled, Alyx whipped her head around but relaxed when she recognized Justice's decaying features.

"Justice! You frightened me," she gasped.

"I apologize. That was not my intent," he replied in his strangely efficient voice as he folded his arms behind his back.

"Was there something you needed?" she asked when he didn't elaborate further.

"I saw you leave camp alone and was…concerned. Are you ill, Commander?" Justice asked after a moment of hesitation.

"Only ill of heart," she murmured as she looked back over the water before he could see the pain in her eyes.

"Do you wish to discuss it? I am under the impression that mortals like such things."

"It's…complicated, Justice. I'm not sure you'll understand."

"Ah. Then it is to do with the mage and the thief wishing to mate with you?"

"Thief? Oh, you mean Nathaniel. Yes, but I wouldn't exactly have put it that way."

"Call it whatever you like, but your path should be clear. You must choose the one that you wish to share deeper relations with and dismiss the other's appeal. 'Tis the only just thing to do."

"It's not that simple."

"I do not understand," Justice replied.

"The human heart is complex. It cannot be qualified by sorting it into pretty little compartments and labeling it as 'just' or 'unjust.'"

"Justice is what I am, mortal. It is all that I know and embody," he snapped.

"I'm sorry, Justice. I'm not trying to trivialize what you are; I'm simply trying to explain that...there is no right or wrong to love, it just is."

"I…do not understand," Justice said again, looking mildly uncomfortable in his ignorance.

Alyx sighed.

"Is there nothing in Kristoff's memories that you can relate to? Any family or friends that he cared deeply for?" she asked him.

Justice cocked his head again, the look of discomfort growing as he considered her query.

"There is a woman that surfaces in his memories quite often. She is…was…very important to him. A word comes to mind…'wife' I think it was. To experience his feelings for her through his memories is…unsettling."

"It is for the rest of us as well," Alyx replied.

"And you seek it out despite this?"

"I think it is more fitting to say that we seek love out for that very reason."

"I still do not understand, but I will trust your judgment in this," Justice replied. "Is there anything that can be done to alleviate your mind? Shall I speak to your suitors for you?"

"I appreciate the offer, but this is something that I must do myself."

"Very well," he said with an approving nod. "If you are ready, we should return to camp immediately."

"Give me a minute to collect myself…alone?" she asked softly.

"I will be waiting just there by the tree line should you need me," he replied with another curt nod before turning to walk back to the edge of the clearing.

Alyx took a deep, steadying breath as she stared at her reflection in the water. Her features were the same as they always were, but she couldn't help but be disgusted at what she saw in her expression. Gone was the wildly confident girl that she had been three years ago, and in her place was a frightened, shattered woman. How was it that Nate and Anders even wanted her when she was but a shadow of what she should be? What could they possibly see in her that was worth fighting over? Perhaps they would be better off if she turned them both away, though it pained her to even think about it. Growling under her breath Alyx slapped at the surface of the water, causing her reflection to ripple into nothing more than oblong shapes and muted colors.

And then a strange thing happened. At first she thought her eyes were playing tricks on her; that it was simply the moonlight playing over the surface, but soon she could see that something was gradually materializing in the water. She squinted and leaned forward to get a better look and then gasped when she saw what it was…a woman. Not a corpse, though that was her first reaction. A spirit perhaps? Alyx marveled at the way the woman's hair and clothing swirled around her in the water, intangible and yet so real. But what truly caught her attention was the look in the spirit's eyes. It was despair, and a yearning so potent that she could feel it down to her bones. The woman stretched her milky white arms out towards her, a desperate pleading in her eyes. She swore she could almost hear the spirit crying out to her for help. She was hypnotized by the plea, so beautiful and yet so heartbreaking. If only there was something she could do for her…

And then the voice began to change. It was as if the spirit was beckoning to her, beseeching her with her siren song. Soon she was joined by other spirits, men and women and even children, all reaching out to her, imploring her to join them. Alyx could feel the pull of their mournful melody. It was a like a soft lullaby, tugging at something deep inside of her. Here she would be understood and accepted. Here there would be no more fighting, no more pain, no more worries or fears to keep her up at night. Yes, here is where she belonged. Here she would remain.

Justice was leaning against a nearby tree but straightened as he saw Alyx climb to her feet, assuming that she was ready to leave. He was startled when she stepped purposefully into the water instead of turning to join him. There was only a moment's warning that something wasn't right before he sensed the subtle pull of magic from across the clearing. He only made it three steps before his feet were frozen to the ground where he stood. He could feel the spell work its way up his legs and knew it would only be a matter of seconds before he was completely paralyzed.

"Commander!" he shouted, surprised by the emotion in his voice.

Alyx looked back at him as if she heard his cry but her eyes were empty and unseeing. There could be no doubt now that the woman was enchanted and there was nothing he could do to save her. He watched as she walked deeper and deeper into the water until she disappeared completely beneath the surface. There was a sudden flash of bright light from the dark depths of the lake, followed by a bubble of water that sent waves across its expanse. Then, just as suddenly as it began, the lake and the clearing lay silent and still once again. Meanwhile Justice looked helplessly on from the prison of his mortal body, unable to move or even to call out for help. For the first time in his extensive memory, Justice felt fear.

"Wake up! Ooh, please wake up!" Sigrun begged as she pulled at Nate's arm.

"Go away Sigrun. I'm not on watch tonight," he grumbled before turning over on his side.

"Falcon's missing."

That woke him up.

"What? What do you mean she's missing?" he growled.

"Justice saw her leave camp alone. Said she looked upset so he followed her," Sigrun explained. "I'm worried, Nate. That was over an hour ago and they haven't returned."

Upset? Had their conversation affected her that much? Nate's heart began to pound.

"The others…do they know? Did anyone else see her leave?"

"I don't think so. Justice woke me just before he left, and I came to you first," Sigrun replied.

"Did you see which direction he went? Good," Nate said as Sigrun nodded affirmatively. "Wake Anders, fill him in. We'll need him if we're to have any hope of finding her."

Sigrun nodded and took off at a dead run, screaming Anders' name at the top of her lungs. Nate groaned. Perhaps I should have told her to discretely wake him, Nate thought. He didn't want to rouse the entire camp if this turned out to be nothing, but when he walked out of his tent he saw that it was too late. Anders, Oghren and Sigrun were already arguing and Velanna stood to one side, silently seething.

"Like hell I'm gonna' stay behind you sparkle-fingered son-of-a-nug! This is Falcon we're talking about!" Oghren bellowed as he shoved one plump finger into Anders' chest to punctuate his point.

"We can't all go traipsing through the woods, dwarf. Someone needs to stay behind to watch the camp, and I say that someone should be you," Anders replied.

"For the love of the creators, I'll stay behind," Velanna snapped haughtily. "Just stop your incessant caterwauling; you're giving me a headache."

"We're wasting time arguing about it. The Commander and Justice might be in trouble. We need to leave before it is too late," Sigrun butted in.

"I agree…though perhaps we shouldn't jump to conclusions just yet," Nate replied gently as he squeezed Sigrun's shoulder to show his support. The woman was chewing on her bottom lip and nervously wringing her hands. He had never seen her this worked up before.

She really is worried about them, Nate thought in surprise. It did nothing to alleviate the fear that gripped his heart in a vice. He silently prayed to the Maker that they had simply gotten lost or were having an engrossing conversation or anything other than what his intuition was screaming at him. Even as he prayed he knew that he was fooling himself. Things were never that simple when Alyx was involved.

Tracking a cold trail in the middle of the woods at night was tedious even in the best of situations. Sigrun had only been able to give them a starting point, which was something at least, but not nearly enough. Truth of the matter was that Alyx and Justice could have gone anywhere once they reached the safety of the forest. Even Nate's carefully cultivated tracking skills were hard pressed, but he refused to turn back until Alyx was safe and sound.

They fanned out to cover a wider area and soon he could hear his companions calling out to Alyx and Justice and then back to each other if they found anything. He instinctively cringed, having been used to tracking solely by stealth, but he was quick to realize that they had little choice if they ever hoped to find them. He even joined in after awhile, but the wood remained unnervingly silent despite their efforts. After awhile Nate was beginning to worry that they wouldn't even make it back to camp. The forest seemed to stretch endlessly in every direction with little in the form of landmarks to guide them. They could be walking in circles for hours at this rate.

"Over here!" Sigrun cried from somewhere ahead of him.

Nate's heart began to pound as he broke into a full sprint. He skidded to a halt as he cleared the tree line, nearly running Sigrun over despite his last second recovery. He opened his mouth to apologize but gasped instead when he realized what he was seeing. Standing in the middle of a moonlit clearing was Justice, frozen in place. One arm was outstretched, his mouth ajar as if he had been trying to call out to someone at the moment of his paralysis. It was a frightening look even for someone who was already dead and decaying.

"Is he…?" Sigrun began, not able to finish her sentence.

"He's not dead…or dead dead as it were," Nate replied as he took a closer look at the man. Justice might be frozen in place but his eyes still tracked their every movement. He was definitely alive, but how…? There could only be one explanation for such unusual circumstances…magic, he growled to himself. It had to be. But if Justice was here, where was Alyx?

He could hear the sound of approaching footsteps just moments before Oghren and Anders came into view. Anders took one glance at Justice and muttered a spell that released the man from his arcane prison.

"My thanks, mage. That was most discomforting," Justice said as he rubbed at his arms in a very human-like fashion.

"I'll show you the definition of discomfort if you don't tell us where Falcon is," Anders threatened as he grabbed Justice by the front of his armor.

"Now, now sparkles. There's no need for violence...did I just say that?" Oghren asked as the rest of them stared at him in surprise. "I mean...pummel him until he talks...yeah."

"Let him go Anders," Nate said as he approached the two of them. For a second he thought that the mage would ignore him, but finally Anders did as he asked and even took a begrudging step back.

"Where is she?" he asked Justice softly. Nate's heart dropped into his toes as Justice's expression fell, and then stopped altogether at the spirit's next words.

"She's gone."

*Muse Tunes: "Getting Therapy" by John Powell (Hancock OST); "The Kiss" by Christophe Beck (Elektra OST); "This Love" by Craig Armstrong (Cruel Intentions Soundtrack); "Drink of Despair" by Nicholas Hooper (Half-Blood Prince OST); "Kyra's Tape" by James Newton Howard (The Sixth Sense OST).