Missed my deadline - as there are at least 2 more chapters to go. Sorry.
Many thanks to the followers and reviewers - you keep me on track and will finish this soon.
During their day apart both women struggled. Seeing Regina and being close had started a gradual warming of Emma, beginning with her battered heart and seeping outwards. She felt lifted, her previously heavy limbs and muscles seemed rejuvenated and it was easier to breathe and to think. She could feel again without it almost crippling her. And she felt love pull in her chest, expanding into the void before tendrils slipped further outwards, heating her whole body.
She was able to compare it to taking some really good drugs, something like cocaine which she had dabbled in after her prison stint when she had fallen in with a bad crowd. The contact with the ex-Mayor had had an addictive effect on Emma, a small hit had left her wanting and craving more. And Emma felt herself being pulled towards the older woman like they were magnets.
She guessed it was their True Love connection, trying to renew itself and she groaned. She needed to be objective, she needed to find out if there were more secrets between them. And if not, she definitely needed to know what had gone on that day and then night Graham had died. These feelings were only going to get in the way.
But whatever she was trying to tell herself about being strong and remaining focused on finding the truth became ineffective as she went to sleep that night and dreamed of full, red lips with a sexy scar atop them. She saw white teeth sinking into the flesh of an apple, with bright brown eyes looking over the top of the luscious fruit and boring into her own. The intense gaze full of longing, a depthless quality in the beautifully expressive orbs and they were capturing the blonde completely within their heady gaze.
Regina had felt the pull too, she knew the last week had been hard, and with her mother buried she had one less task to do, one less distraction. Sitting on the bench and then walking home she had wanted to reach out and intertwine their hands. She has cast surreptitious glances at the blonde and lingered on her lips and wished the coat wasn't so big and covering all the younger woman's assets. She could do with the lift that Emma's physique gave her, her defined arms, flat stomach and pert ass.
Once she got home she felt unsettled. She felt some of her muscles spasming and sighed in frustration. She had finally got rid of the headaches that she had been suffering with since she woke up in the hospital bed. Now it seemed she was suffering some other side effect and something else was wrong with her body. She didn't care, she refused to go back to Whale, and unless this became acutely painful or debilitating she would just suffer with it.
She decided an early night could only help, but the problem was as she closed her eyes to try and relax a little, her mind filled with images of blonde hair and figure hugging skinny jeans. It fired her imagination and that in turn made her heart pump harder and her veins feel like they were singing inside her body. Tossing and turning she found it increasingly difficult to ignore it and drift off to sleep.
So she opened her eyes to physically force the images away but the sensation continued, shifting to a gentle vibration throughout her body leaving her feeling warm and safe. She wondered what Emma has stirred up inside her. It was as she was falling asleep that the answer dawned on her. Just on the border between slipping away from the world when her defences were down and she was most in touch with her own feelings she made the connection. It could be as simple that their True Love connection that she had tried to force shut when down in the morgue, had opened back up, and with it Emma's magic was calling to her own.
Everyone, including herself, had assumed it was gone, flushed out with the poison. But this feeling, this soft background humming, she felt certain it was magical in nature. It was weak, but Emma's magic could have kick-started her own. Finally slipping away into sleep the brunette had a soft, hopeful smile on her features for the first time in months.
They had agreed to meet somewhere neutral, where they wouldn't be disturbed. As the season was warm and the skies clear of clouds they ended up sitting by the docks. It was still early and no-one was working down on the shore. The boats not being used were still sitting on the sand, the others already out on the water, fishermen having an earlier start than even the Sheriff. But even when they returned and begun hauling in the daily catch the two women were far enough away that they wouldn't be overheard. Emma knew no passer-by's would come this way, it was on her running route and she had only ever been disturbed by the occasional seagull call.
It was a peaceful spot, but when the wind blew there could be a nip to the air coming straight off the water. Knowing that, Regina had brought a flask filled with coffee for them to share as the soft, salty breeze washed over them. Emma had brought some breakfast food, a share bag of chips and some muffins, both of which Regina eyed like they were poison.
"Suit yourself." The blonde muttered round the potato snack she had crammed into her mouth and Regina sipped daintily from the plastic coffee cup. Emma was amazed she could look sophisticated holding a cheap thermos cup, but the woman had always been classy. And Emma saw some sparkle fill the brown eyes as the brunette took the muffins and moved them away from the space between them.
"Hey, I was going to eat them!" Emma voiced.
"You have chips already," Regina reprimanded, "Finish them first, it isn't like you can eat them at the same time."
"I could try." The blonde grumbled, but the beginnings of a smile on Regina's face took away all of her irritation. The brunette was clearly relaxing into their new dynamic, feeling it out and seeing where the boundaries were. And Emma was happy with a little verbal teasing. She knew they had much to discuss, but this was familiar and it almost felt like the old, pre-curse days. Just without the threat of poisoned turnovers (there was a reason she bought muffins) and the painful sting and vicious quality that had previously laced the brunette's barbed words.
"Did Henry get off to school this morning?" Regina asked.
"Yeah, Kid's not normal." Emma responded, "Who looks forward to school and enjoys going there?"
"That is our son you are disrespecting." Regina bristled, but knew Emma was just good naturedly ribbing her. "He is just eager to learn."
"Yeah," The blonde continued, her voice dripping with sarcasm, "Really eager."
"What does that mean?" There was a hint of concern in Regina's voice, "Is he not eager, or not learning?"
"Calm down Woman! All I meant was that he is a nosy little bugger who doesn't learn enough at school, he needs to come home and start poking around learning there too." Emma used air quotes round the word.
"Miss Swan, do not refer to him that way! He is just an intelligent young man with a healthy interest in what goes on around him. And do not refer to me as "Woman" either." The love for her son was clear in the reproachful tone used. Emma thought there might be an echo of the love in the reprimand aimed at her too but wondered if it was it just wishful thinking. A girl could always hope.
"Just saying I could do without the constant questions, doesn't he have his own life, friends, soccer or socialising to worry about? Sometimes I think he is too focused on the happy endings in this town and what is going on between us for his own good."
"I blame genetics." Regina quipped. "Maybe he has a mini Saviour complex? Or maybe his need to interfere is hereditary from his manipulative Dark One grandfather? Or his sanctimoniously pure Grandmother."
"Ok, I get it. Messed up family tree, thanks for the reminder." Emma groaned and dropped her head, sighing in resignation.
"It isn't all your fault." Regina gripped the denim clad knee and squeezed softly, testing the waters to see if contact would be accepted or appreciated. Emma lifted her head and there was the ghost of a grin around her pale lips. She didn't try to shift the hand resting on her leg.
"Compromise Regina? I didn't think you were capable!"
"I do remember telling you that you had no idea what I was capable of some time ago. It appears you have a very short memory. Of course I am capable of compromise."
"Mmhmm. Let's not go there." Emma commented, not needing the reminder about the apple tree, a pointless discussion about trespass and property damage or an argument about the number of times the brunette had been stubborn and refused to give in and compromise during the last year. They had other things to address today.
There was a moment of quiet while they both studied the water and the boats they could see in the distance. Then Regina turned towards the blonde and started speaking.
"You have to understand that Henry was brought up in a loving environment where I nurtured his curiosity. I never wanted him to be scared of being himself, never wanted to stifle him or be a restrictive parent."
The older woman stopped and gathered herself, "I know when you arrived that is exactly what I looked like, but before then, when Henry was small, I don't think I ever told him no."
Emma nodded her understanding, it was probably why Henry had rebelled so badly when Regina had stopped allowing him free reign. It was unknown to him and a shock to no longer be told yes to everything. She was grateful that Regina had loved and supported her son, but she felt just a small stab of envy, because she had hardly ever been told yes in her whole childhood. But that was why she had given him up and it was all working out now. Well mostly, if she could just work out what was happening here and now.
Regina watched something flit across Emma's face, but it was quickly gone. She arched her eyebrow in question but the blonde shook her head, indicating that she should continue.
"And from the moment he could talk he was always asking questions. I ensured he was taught that is was ok to ask and that no question is stupid. It only backfired once he was given that book and the tone of his questions changed. But even then I was proud that he had a strong imagination and in his creativity."
She locked eyes with the blonde, "It is just unfortunate it manifests as a single minded focus that borders on stubbornness, especially over things he strongly believes in. I know that is definitely a genetic trait."
Emma heard the barb aimed at herself and shrugged, she mutter hummed some muffled response but the brunette heard it before choosing to ignore her. She smiled ruefully at the younger woman indicating that she knew exactly what thoughts were going through the Sheriff's mind before continuing.
"I spoiled him, as often as I thought I could get away with without turning him into a brat. You see my job as Mayor during the curse was easy, so I had time and money and I showered it on Henry. My mother believed magic and position were power, and she forced me from a young age to conform to her ideas. I wanted his childhood to be fun and free and for him to be happy being himself, the opposite of my own upbringing."
And there it was again, that look that passed across Emma's pale features. Regina wondered if it was talking about childhood and Emma remembering her less than ideal background but she decided not to pursue it and went with a humorous quip instead, "And being himself has turned out to be a nosy little bugger."
Having summed up she patted the denim a little higher than Emma's knee.
Emma couldn't believe she had just heard those words drop from Regina's lips and she starred. And then enjoyed the contact of the warm hand pressing on her leg. Snapping out of it she said, "So you are accepting blame in this?"
Regina's eyes shone, they had brightened the minute her hand touched Emma's knee and her smile made an appearance as she moved her fingers gently further up the denim without interference.
"Compromise Miss Swan, you used the word earlier. Surely you know the meaning of it? This is a compromise."
The older woman's tone was laced with jest and Emma moved into the space on the bench to shoulder bump the woman out of her perfect posture. Two could play the contact game and push at boundaries.
The brunette woman sighed. They were doing well as friends, she had to admit that and sniping at each other was fun. And the contact and soft, hesitant touches were reassuring both of them. But she knew they were both using it to put off having the conversation they needed to have.
She decided to bring it back on track with some honesty about Henry and his involvement in this meeting. Maybe from there they could find a way to start raking over the past and asked the difficult questions. And give the even more difficult answers.
"Well we do share him, the good bits and the bad." Regina added. "Emma, he obviously told you about the funeral. If he hadn't, if he had stayed out of our business and left us to our own devices, would we be sat here discussing things?"
"You mean would I have reached out? Would I have wanted to try?" Suddenly it had become serious and Emma felt expectation settle in her stomach and her mouth go dry.
"Yes." The brunette tried to keep the hope out of her voice, but a nervous feeling still settled over her and she clasped her hands to keep them still.
Emma watched Regina study her face, knew that deep down she still loved the woman. It was so easy for them to converse, teasing each other or swapping experiences, but she needed to maintain some distance and get some answers. She concentrated on pushing away the feelings that just being close to the former Mayor made her feel. They were warm and comforting and it was increasingly difficult for the blonde, her only comfort was that Regina was doing a poor job at hiding her own emotions too.
"I would have come to you, but it would have taken a longer time." Emma admitted. "I was angry and felt rejected. But you knew that, you went straight for my buttons in the hospital." Emma kept the frustration and blame from her voice, that was the thing with the time apart. She had cooled off and while still confused and hurt, she had been able to really think about what had happened and see both sides rather than just her own raw pain.
"But I have got to a point where I am able to kerb my feelings and not react on impulse. I hope I won't scream at you or break down in tears. I think that I can sit here and be calm and patient and listen. I've got a better control of my emotions, rather than my emotions controlling me. I want to be here now and I think you want to be here too and that has got to be a good thing."
Regina nodded so Emma continued, "I want answers and only you can give them to me. And I know you'll tell me, but I can't promise I can forgive it and we will go back to where we were before your Mother arrived."
Regina nodded again, she knew there were no guarantees. But there needed to be transparency between them, if they were to have any hope for the future she had to be honest and give Emma the explanations she was asking for. She knew she had handled the situation badly, but she had been scared and upset and feeling very vulnerable without her magic. That was a dangerous powder keg existing inside her. She only ever knew how to ignite the fuse and explode in anger.
Never before had there been anyone willing to stand that close to her, but she knew Emma had been and had then got caught in the self-destructive blast and been badly hurt. She was used to being alone with only herself to trust and protect, and that was what she had reverted to doing in her crisis state last week where she felt everything slipping away again.
But out of everyone, Emma was the most likely to understand that, having been hurt and alone for most of her life too.
Her life and reasons for her behaviour were complicated but now was the time for honesty. She had to make Emma understand and allow her to make the decision when she was in possession of all the facts. She retrieved her hand and placed it in her lap, fingers locked so tightly together they were turning white under the pressure. She steeled herself and began to be more honest than she had ever been.
"Emma I'm scared. And I have been since we both realised this had progressed beyond just being sex. Do you know how hard it is for me to admit that? But this has been my first real invested relationship, the biggest emotional commitment I had ever made, and I didn't know how to do it. I have been scared of hurting you and of hurting me. Look at this last week, it has nearly killed both of us."
"It has been hard," Emma agreed, "But we are both still alive and both prepared to try."
"Are we? Cutting me loose makes more sense, our relationship isn't stable and it just seems to cause us pain. I'm not a good friend any more than I am a lover. I don't share openly, I struggle to trust and I can be incredibly selfish."
"You talk about pain like it is a new thing. Between us we have decades of experience of dealing with it, it isn't anything new for either of us."
"Emma life isn't meant to be painful. You aren't meant to seek it out."
"And I'm not. I'm just saying that I have experience and can deal with it, deal with you and your moods. And I don't think you want to hurt me, you just lash out instinctively to protect yourself."
"I don't understand why you still want to try to be near me. I pushed you away and even as a friend I am likely to be prickly and abrupt. I am in all likelihood going to continue to hurt you, intentional or not."
Regina needed Emma to understand this wouldn't be easy, whatever kind of relationship they ended up with. Regina would still lash out because ultimately she was difficult to be around and difficult to love in any capacity. Henry had realised it and run from her, the only thing that had returned him had been the blonde's perseverance and belief that the Mayor had been a good mother. How long would it be before Emma lost patience and walked away and possibly took Henry too? It would be easier to have a clean break now, than to try and fail at this later.
"You bring meaning to my life." Was what Emma answered her with.
And the brunette was shocked by that. With all the people Emma had in her life, what possible value could she bring?
The blonde continued, "Previously I spent my time paying bills and working hard, but I had no reason. It was habit, what was expected by society. Then I came here, found a well brought up son, a woman who was responsible for that and she engaged with me in the most hostile way. It was more than I had ever had before, even when we were fighting there was a new purpose in my life."
"Surely that was Henry?" Regina asked.
Emma shook her head, "It was you too, I was intrigued, you were a puzzle and I wanted to crack it. I wanted to understand how you could bring Henry up with manners, shower him with love, give him anything he ever wanted and yet be so cold and hateful to everyone else. I might even have thought at the start we could be friends, because I recognised some very similar traits that first night. Walls built up as defence mechanisms, and a tight grip on control that gave me clues there was so much more at work with you."
"Well now you know, I was The Evil Queen and that was what I was hiding behind all my walls."
"It is so much more and you know it. And I know we have only scratched the surface, swapping life stories and experiences. I know you don't trust well, but trust me."
Emma was so open, her eyes adding the please that she hadn't vocalised.
"No-one ever says they have too many friends. And friends accept the bad qualities and after the past year, I think I know yours and am prepared to accept them. I accept you."
And Regina realised how lucky she was. Emma wasn't trying to change her, she was prepared to work round Regina's idiosyncrasies and knew some of her characteristics were abrasive, but she would still be prepared to try to be her friend. She was saying that Regina was good enough as she was and that was so rare Regina had to take a deep breath to calm her heart that swelled at the thought.
Emma saw the emotion swirl through the older woman's eyes and bit back her own smile. She carried on talking for a minute to give Regina the chance to swallow down whatever had affected her so much.
"We might disagree, we might even raise our voices at times because we are both headstrong, but I'll be there for you if you can agree to be there for me?"
"I can agree to that." Because it is more than I ever thought I deserved or could have in my life again her self-deprecating brain filled in for her.
The brunette blinked, then licked her lips before swallowing down the threatening tears that Emma's acceptance of her had caused.
She noticed immediately that Emma's eyes darted to her tongue before drifting back to her eyes. They were both talking about friendship, but Regina was certain they both desired more. They were each fighting against themselves, which made a change from fighting against each other. It would be amusing if their relationship wasn't possibly going to be a casualty. This next discussion could effectively end any chance of reconciliation and Regina was certain neither of them wanted that.
Emma smiled softly and Regina curled her hands tighter into fists at her side to contain the urge to reach out. Something about the smile and the light in the blonde's eyes called to her and she could easily let herself go, fall under the spell and stop fighting. But Emma had offered friendship and that is what they were talking about so Regina dragged her thoughts away from anything more intimate.
She picked up her forgotten coffee cup and sipped on it to distract her hands and her more carnal thoughts. She thought she saw Emma move subtly from the corner of her eye. The blonde was looking at her mouth, her eyes tracing round her lips as they connected with the plastic before swallowing the cool liquid. It wasn't all that pleasant now, so she quickly dropped it back to the bench and that was when Emma moved to grip her hand, pulling it out from across her lap and rubbing at it with her thumb. It was soothing, relaxing her and blurring her thoughts and she had to stop herself from leaning in and invading Emma's space to rest her head on her shoulder.
And Emma took a minute to sit in the sunshine holding her love's hand. It was peaceful, it was something she could picture them doing often in the early evenings, after enjoying a home cooked dinner with Henry. She wanted that, rather than friendship. It would give her a level of peace after spending her days running round in this crazy town. And she knew she could relax and feel completely safe with this woman, could be a family, if she could just give them the chance.
But there was a glaring problem to address first and she took a breath, readying herself to move on from the perfect family her head was trying to daydream into existence. And moving on meant bringing up Graham.
"I just don't understand." Emma said turning fully towards the older woman and dropping her hand. "You had cast the curse, it wasn't what you imagined, but you have to admit, it had taken away all the memories as well as the happy endings. So you had a clean slate. You could have re-invented yourself and left the darkness behind. And surely that would be easier without the magic in your veins, polluting your thoughts with its darkness?"
"And I did just that, after realising there was no way to torture them when they didn't remember, I left them to their own boring and dull devices."
"Then how did Graham end up dead? You didn't leave him to his own devices." Emma reminded her. Regina thought she saw jealously flash across the blonde's face but she couldn't concentrate on that now, she needed to tread carefully, state her case and think about the words before she said them because this was delicate. So she steered the conversation away from her bedroom activities with The Huntsman and spoke about his final few days instead.
"You said I had a clean slate, everyone had forgotten who I was. But Graham wasn't like that in the end. He was remembering and was dangerous to me and to himself. I still can't justify it Emma, it was still wrong to lash out and end him without thinking. Would I do it differently now, I would try, but it might ultimately end up with the same outcome."
"What do you mean by that?"
"You know the power of destiny and fate. It was something our most revered prophets spent lifetimes studying back in my land. And Rumpelstiltskin will tell you they didn't waste their lives, that his power of foresight came from being able to predict predestined events. So some things need to happen, they can't be avoided."
"Yeah I've seen the Final Destination films." Emma told her.
Regina sent an odd look her way, so the blonde clarified, "I get it."
Regina just nodded curtly and continued, "I think his death brought about the beginning of breaking the curse. It sowed a seed of doubt within you, gave you a glimpse that something was wrong with the town. And it also gave you further reason to stay, it created a real job opening. If I had to call it, I'd say his death was a catalyst Rumpelstiltskin had written into the curse. But I don't know for certain."
Emma knew Gold was a twisted bastard, and she had to admit that something like this did fit with her knowledge of The Dark One. She tried to remember him before Neal had come back and she could clearly remember the smugness, the grin when he thought he was winning. He was mellower now, but before that, he had tried to steal a baby and use it to barter favours. Was Regina really making a huge leap by blaming the Imp for Graham's death?
Emma looked up and realised that Regina had by no means finished. She was waiting and Emma knew from experience that sometimes waiting wasn't the best idea when discussing something unpalatable. You began to second guess yourself, or give in to nerves or fear and not say all the things you needed to. So she shrugged and murmured, "I'm listening."
"Even if I'm wrong about that, I have my doubts he could have survived. He was a magically enchanted person, in a world without magic. He was without a heart, it was removed and kept safe with the limited magic I had here. If I hadn't crushed his heart I don't know if I could have safely returned it to him. But I do know with his self-awareness creeping in, he would soon have remembered I had his heart and as the realisation slipped through his body, he may well have succumbed and died anyway. After all, you can't live without a heart in this world, and we were bound by this worlds rules under the curse."
"You really think he would have died anyway?" Emma was trying to get her head round the warped magical rules, the only thing she was picking up from Regina was that she was trying to tell the truth. Emma didn't sense Regina was spinning her a line or trying to take advantage of her limited understanding of magic.
"I don't know." She sighed, "It wasn't my curse and at the time I cast it I wasn't interested in reading Rumpelstiltskin's fine print, much to my own detriment as it turned out. Knowing that it was his curse and how he thinks I find it very possible that anyone breaking the barriers of the curse would be in danger. The logical thing would be that consciousness before the curse broke would lead to madness, like Jefferson, and without a heart, death. You know that The Imp isn't known for his consideration or benevolence, there would be no protection clauses within the curse. Graham might always have been a casualty once he started to remember. "
She shook her head, thinking of the Hatter didn't help either. She had left him in her Mother's clutches to save a father she had then murdered. It was why she rarely spent time reminiscing, it was all so twisted and painful.
She took a moment to order her thoughts again before continuing, "So possibly his death was fated, possibly not. And if not, then I am the direct reason he died, not just because I crushed his heart but because I cast the curse and he was a victim of it. Every way you look at it, I am to blame."
Emma looked away then, that was what she couldn't get away from in all of this. Regina had made a bad choice and she wasn't apologising for it. She was listing facts and had used the word blame, but Emma just needed to see some remorse. That would be enough for her but she wasn't hearing anything like it. She hoped that maybe the brunette hadn't finished, that she had more to say. She looked up with pleading in her eyes.
Regina saw the look and it crushed her heart. She was losing her lover and she didn't know how to save it. She still had so much to say, but would Emma actually sit there and listen to all of it? From the look on her face Regina was sure with every word she uttered Emma came closer to bolting.
"I can't bring him back Emma, we both know that. All I can do is try and atone, try and honour him and his way of life."
"Like how?" Emma didn't see Regina crying at his grave, or setting up a monument to the Brave, Fallen Sheriff of Storybrooke.
But Regina took heart, the blonde had engaged in the conversation at least.
"Graham, or The Huntsman as he was before, was a man of nature, he believed in the elemental forces and spirits. So in Storybrooke there are woods, lakes, places where his animals and their guides can live without fear of hunting or human interruption and development. There were changes I made while still mayor, protecting more land, shoring up fences to keep the hunters out. I know you have kept his dart board and darts like a shrine, but that isn't my way, I can't be that sentimental."
"Regina he shared your bed. Surely a little bit of sentimentality could seep in?"
"I have learned not to be sentimental or grow attached, people have this tendency to leave."
Emma tensed at the barbed comment, maybe it was her own paranoia but she felt like it was aimed at her. Rationally she knew Regina had been left or let down repeatedly, and that was more likely to be what the older woman was driving at, but still it niggled at her.
Emma tried to bite her tongue but she failed, raising her voice and replying with more force than necessarily, "You push them away!"
Regina sat back and studied Emma. She hadn't been planning on it being a pointed remark, but Emma had taken offence. Interesting, she thought as she didn't respond to the aggression. She pushed that away for another conversation on another day. Discussing Graham was fraying her own nerves and she didn't need to complicate things further by going off on a different tangent.
She took a breath, noticing that the sun has risen quite considerably and that the day was warming up. She leaned back in to capture the blonde's eye and brought them back on topic.
"What do you expect me to say? Graham, my whole interaction with him, it was a mistake. I shouldn't have asked him to kill Snow, he was obviously not fit for the task. But then I kept him as punishment, another mistake. I used him, abused him, and took his heart. And then when we came here, he was useful and loyal and I used him as a male figure in Henry's life and to satisfy my sexual needs. I'm not proud of it Emma, but that doesn't change the fact it happened. Would you rather I lie to you?"
The blonde shook her head, no, but this was hard for her and she wanted to stand up and walk away. She bit her lip and forced her eyes up, she had said she could do this and she would.
She tried to vocalise, and the words caught in her throat. She tried again, "You haven't said killing him was a mistake."
"I thought that was implied." Regina raised her eyebrow but the look on Emma's face forced her to continue. "It was a mistake, I am sorry I lost control. I became angry and he paid the price. But I can't regret my past, not when it has led me to this version of the here and now. Being the Evil Queen and casting the curse brought me to this land and froze time. Those consequences brought me here to adopt Henry and meet you. I am not proud of the curse, I hate the price I paid, but my Father would love his name sake and be pleased for me that I finally learned to love again."
Emma sat very still, listening carefully. She couldn't fault the brunette's logic, but it made her shiver that Regina was able to rationalise the Dark Curse and associated deaths with relative ease.
But Emma knew The Evil Queen had actually been a very lonely and bitterly upset woman and that had fuelled her. The version she had crafted for herself in Storybrooke had healed some of the gaping cracks, she had Henry to ease the loneliness and brighten her days, meaning she wasn't the same vengeful and angry woman anymore.
And this woman had admitted her guilt and apologised, showing regret about her actions, which Emma had told herself would be enough. Was it? She didn't feel any better, her gut still churned when she thought about it all.
"Emma?" The older woman's voice had dropped as she tried to bring her out of her introspective thoughts. "You look a little lost, do you want to stop? Do you need to take some time?"
"No." Emma shook her head. "I just…" she hesitated. Regina had asked so nicely, had offered her a way out, but she knew she had to stay. It wouldn't be right to leave this half done. "I didn't realise how hard this would be." The blonde concluded.
The older woman nodded at that. She was digging deep and talking about feelings and emotions and actions in a way she had never done before. She was laying herself bare and it was hard for her. Emma wasn't saying much, but that admission at least confirmed she was definitely listening and trying to process the words.
"Shall I continue?" The brunette asked gently and Emma nodded.
"Had the curse not broken I wouldn't have been able to continue lying to Henry or holding on to him. All the while he was too young to see what was happening around him I was safe, but he had grown too big, too clever and neither he nor I was stuck in the endless loop. He had figured it out, and the lies just wouldn't hold anymore. And with Graham's death came you, in all your angry, frustrated and impassioned glory you crashed into my life. And that resonated within me, our similarities and attraction were immediate and magnetic wouldn't you agree? And I don't want to regret those two things, you and Henry are the most important things I have. I can't be sorry for that now."
"So you want me to accept that the end justifies the means?" Emma asked, feeling unsettled in the appraisal. In fact she was getting a headache and feeling quite sick. She didn't know if it was the stress catching up with her, the amount of alcohol from the past week in her system coupled with a lack of sleep and the magical exertion of the previous weeks. Or the conversation, the concentration and the trying to make it fit in some kind of sense out of it all.
"Doesn't it always? Look at politics of this country, wars are fought, millions die or suffer but we are told it is for the best, to liberate a group of people or to stop an ominous power from rising up. Laws are passed and some companies or people get caught up, falling foul of legislation, but for the most part it does the job and protects people."
"We are talking about a man's life, not a dodgy law passed by the senate!"
"I won't let you make me feel guilty for finding the chance to love again! For it leading me to you. Did it come at a cost? Of course. But my whole life has been about cost, and paying a price."
"But you didn't pay the price, he did!"
Regina saw the frustration in the blonde's posture, her shoulders set rigid and took a breath. Emma wasn't listening or understanding her logic, so she tried another argument.
"You came to me that night. I already knew what you were going to tell me. Do you remember?" At the nod of a blonde head she continued, "What did you find that evening?"
"You were drinking." Emma said. She was drunk herself, and things were hazy, but she remembered that.
"I had come home and washed my hands. Over and over. But I couldn't get the grainy feel of the dust from his heart to leave my palms. So I started to drink, to take the edge off what I was feeling. I don't do well with emotions, as you well know. And back then, unless it was related to Henry my default was that I shut them down. But that night, I couldn't stop them completely. It was a dull ache, a mix of guilt and grief. It was disconcerting because I felt something and I was uncomfortable with it."
"So you did feel something?"
"Emma believe me, I always feel, I can remember so much I wish I didn't. But what I let other people see if very different to what is going on in my head and heart. I keep those feelings hidden and the drink helped me that night to put some order to it."
"So you drank as a distraction?"
"Yes, to help me dull the emotions."
"Did you also use me as a distraction that night? Was that all I was to you?" And why is she pushing this? The only thing that will come of dissecting this will be pain. "Did you even enjoy kissing me or was it all fake?"
"Emma, don't." There is a tone of warning before the older woman continued, "It is the past."
And in those few words there is a plea in the brunette's voice, they are at a crossroads and Regina knows it. She has changed, but her actions that night were questionable. If Emma judges her on them alone, she is unlikely to stay or ever come back.
She wants to turn away and hide her fear, to slam a mask in place that will absorb the cruel blow of goodbye if Emma choses to leave. Instead she gently brushes her fingers against those of the blonde. She captures her attention and looks at her. She really looks at her, drops all the masks and stares into the hazel orbs, showing her vulnerability and anxiety.
And Emma knows she has changed, that she is sitting there trying to tell the truth regardless of how unpalatable it is. Because Emma has asked for and deserves the truth. The old Regina, the one who kissed her that night, would have lied to get what she wanted, and would have happily proceeded with using her. But things have evolved, Emma means something to the older woman, it is written clearly on her face. It is in the past and it isn't fake now and that is what the blonde needs to deal with.
So the Sheriff ducks her head, takes a breath and breathes through the ache in her heart. Whatever Regina's motivations then, whether it was a game or just sex, they don't align with her motivations now and Emma knows she needs to be an adult and accept that.
But she doesn't want to ever have this conversation again, so she knows she needs to get it all out now, or let it fester forever. She needs to get the whole Graham issue sorted in her mind. She has nagging jealousy that he warmed Regina's bed for so much longer than she has. She had counted him as a friend, and for her own peace of mind she needs to let Regina know that she won't accept lies and half truths about his death. That is how she'll honour him and atone herself. She'll push her lover and get to the bottom of it and only forgive her when she is satisfied it is a genuine emotion Regina is feeling.
"What was going on between you two? He was in your bed for years, you had let him get close to Henry, it certainly looked like more than just sex."
"I needed someone who I could trust, or in Graham's case, control. I wouldn't trust Henry's wellbeing with just anyone, but Graham was sensible and strong but always deferred to me. He was more physical than I, taking Henry hiking and on nature trails and playing ball games with him, the things a growing boy needs. And I was more academic and helped him learn and I felt it was a good balance for Henry. And I could use Graham to be a friend for Henry, to be the male figure in his life he confided in and he would be happy bonding with Graham because he was so easy going and good at listening. It seemed the perfect solution, giving balance to our lives."
"And he was your lover." Emma tried desperately to keep any judgement from her voice, but she knew it bled through.
"Yes he was."
"For years?" Emma kept going, like the stubborn idiot she was. Even when each word hurt her.
"Yes, for years. Regularly, predictably." Regina meet her eyes, refusing to look away.
"You make it sound like a duty, like you didn't even enjoy it." The blonde's tone held a hint of exasperation.
"I did sometimes enjoy his visits, because I was in control. But by the end it was repetitive, it lacked spark and spontaneity, and it was never about feelings. It was about need, it could be raw, animalistic. That's not to say it was violent, it just wasn't ever soft or about love and there was never open conversation before or afterward. You, of all people, know how it can be."
"You replaced him with me." Emma tried to keep the emotion from her voice, but it still held a bite to it and she saw the older woman recoil a little.
"To begin with, Yes."
And Emma feels stupid about that, because her eyes tear up and a lump forms in her throat. Despite the fact she had known it at the time and she knew they had passed that stage long ago. The sex had meant something to them both for months, but she felt like she had been stabbed in the gut and then the blade wrenched up into her chest. She struggled for a few breathes while she let the admission wash over her.
And worse than the pain was the desire that flooded through her. Mine. That was what she thought, she wanted to take the woman and make her forget any trace of The Huntsman. It was an animal instinct, to claim and possess, but it nipped at the blonde's consciousness. She fought to shrug it away, it wasn't appropriate here.
Regina watched the emotions pass across Emma's face, the blonde never able to hide what she felt. She saw the conflict and barely contained desire flare up before Emma just became thoughtful. The brunette held her tongue, waiting for the blonde to work out her next question.
And Emma did think. She knew it was in the past, and Regina had asked her to accept that. She just really hoped that she could. Right now the older woman was sitting there and trying to be better, asking for a chance to be forgiven and move on. Emma had never been one to linger on the past, it had teeth and tended to bite and hurt her, so why did she stumble at moving past this? She had done things she wasn't proud of, and yet life had still given her the opportunity to love and to live. With her son, her parents and a new lover, who respected her enough to tell her the truth and not run away and abandon her. If she could get a second chance, shouldn't Regina be given that chance too?
And Regina wasn't like Neal, she loved so deeply and fought hard for something she believed in, Emma knew instinctively if they could deal with this that she would honour her words and be by her side for as long as Emma wanted her and in whatever capacity she wanted her in. She wouldn't leave her to shoulder any blame because of some fairy-tale shit or hidden identity.
And Emma wanted to forgive, wanted so badly to believe that The Evil Queen was gone for good. "Would you ever do it again?" She asked in a small voice, hoping the answer was no.
"I had something to lose back then, my curse. I don't have that to protect now, but to protect something I value, like you or Henry, yes I would defend it with everything I have inside me. If that meant murdering someone I can't promise it would never happen again."
And that was what Emma struggled with so badly, that old world mentality. Where it was viewed that murder was not actually murder. It was retribution and that was different and it was ok.
She held up her hand to stop any more words. "Just give me a minute." She was able to get out, before she sat back and closed her eyes to try and think. She had a whole lot of information thrown at her this morning and she just needed to try and find herself to begin sifting through it.
And the biggest question she has is can she ever really be comfortable with that mentality, can she work that out to a satisfactory conclusion within herself? It seems that murder was ok when it happened in the Enchanted Forest with justification. Or when someone important, like Rumpelstiltskin or King George, or King Midas, decreed it so. When it suited their twisted agenda. Or if you were fighting for your life or if you were under a spell or being manipulated or blackmailed with or by magic. Or your job was Huntsman. Or fairy. Or dwarf, ogre, even a fucking dragon.
All the arguments she knew Snow, Charming, Red, even Neal all spouted. It was referred to as ending a life rather than murder because that seemed more heroic. It was always for the greater good. It was so much bullshit, wrapped up in labels and twisted self-absorption and self-righteousness that it makes Emma's head hurt.
She was fast coming to the conclusion she lived in a town of hypocrites, her parents included. They wanted to place all the blame on Regina, to be allowed to judge her without taking an introspective look at themselves. And because they shouted loudest, because they banded together and were the greater force, Regina was left to shoulder all the burden. She was pushed and pulled and made into the villain. Or a worse villain. Emma wasn't sure anymore.
What Emma did know was that Regina had done awful, horrible things. She killed people for perceived failures, for not showing respect, she instilled fear and was touched by madness. She took Graham's heart and used him afterward.
But if her parents had had a taste of dark magic, would they have been all that different? She didn't know. She was fairly certain if King George had magic he would have been far worse than Regina. She wasn't condoning The Queen's behaviour, but it was a lifetime ago and a different person committing those acts.
It wasn't the woman who became Henry's mother, the one who played with him in the park, had bathed him, protected him, and bandaged the cuts and scrapes. Regina had been there when Emma couldn't be, when he was little and cried and she had excelled at it. She had created a sweet, loving boy who only knew love, a warm house, a cooked dinner and then a bedtime story in his comic book sheets and soft bed.
And for those acts, the ones committed under the Royal emblem, Emma could find a level of uneasy acceptance. It was her friend and work colleague she needed to reconcile.
Graham had been more recent, but Emma sensed the regret and could see some of the logic in the argument. Had Graham lived, everything could be different. He might still be Regina's chosen bed partner. His death had given them a chance, and she hated that. But to throw away the chance they had been given now, with their True Love that had come so far, that seemed equally wrong.
It was the words Regina hadn't spoken that helped Emma make her decision. She had implied, and the blonde knew with Regina sometimes she said as much with her silences and body language as she did with her actual words.
And what Emma and taken from the statement and believed to be true, was that unless Regina was backed into a corner and made to think she would lose love again, she would never revert to the dark deeds she had once revelled in. Murder wasn't on the table anymore as an outcome if Regina didn't get her way.
"Ok." Was all the younger woman said, acknowledging everything she had been told.
"Is there anything else you want to ask?" The brunette probed softly, seeing the weight on Emma's shoulders and wishing she could help her more, but knowing this was what Emma and their relationship needed.
"No, I think you covered everything."
And then she sat there fighting tears, because she didn't know what else to say or do. There was still no resolution and now it was down to her. Regina had given her all the information, she now held all the cards. And she just sat there, mutely staring into the distance, not knowing how to proceed.
Friends gave each other space, but Emma was scared if she got up and left then the brunette would perceive it as a rejection. And it wasn't. Emma knew how hard it had been for the other woman to be honest and have her decisions dissected, her past raked over.
She leaned back and blew out a breath. This was heavy, it was deep, and she didn't know anyone she could confide in or discuss it with even if she wanted to. This was all on her, but she owed it to her lover to do her best and reach a conclusion quickly. If they were over with no hope of every getting back together as anything more than friends Emma knew she needed to tell Regina sooner than later. Leaving her in limbo, hanging onto hope would be cruel.
"What do you want to do?" Emma asked, buying a few minutes to try and think.
"I think you know." Regina looked at her, eyebrow raised and Emma looked down at her feet, kicking at the ground. Yes she knew what Regina wanted, and she knew what she wanted too, and it was the same thing. But it wasn't a sensible thing. It was falling back into bed with each other and forgetting this conversation. Resetting their relationship and acting like the past month had never happened.
Emma knew enough about herself that try as she might, she would never be able to completely forget and she needed time to process. "Yeah, I want that too." She still kicked the ground, "But I don't think it would be good for us in the long term to give into it."
Regina didn't know whether to be pleased that her love and desires were reciprocated or upset that Emma had just rejected her. Hurt must have washed over her face and Emma caught it out of the corner of her eye because she was suddenly looking at her directly.
"Don't close off. Don't push me away. I'm not saying no, I'm saying not right now."
Regina nodded, that was fair. Emma needing some time was rational. The conversation had been heavy, and she knew she should be grateful that it had confirmed Emma was still interested in her, in loving her, in having an emotional and sexual relationship. The conversation they had had with looks and body language still smouldered and she took heart from that.
She needed to be patient and ignore The Evil Queen that screamed at her to escalate this, to take what she wanted. She had changed, she wasn't like that anymore. She ignored the voice and gently leaned over and pressed a kiss to Emma's cheek.
"Take your time, but let me know what you decide." She stood and Emma grabbed her hand, pressing her lips to it.
"I'll be at home, whenever you are ready." The brunette told her and felt Emma nod against her hand.
As she walked away she realised the mixed signals they had just sent each other. They agreed they were taking a break, their relationship possibly over, just friends now. But they shared body contact and personal space like they were still lovers. And they talked on a much deeper level, more like lifelong friends or soulmates.
If she was this confused and she had lived it and understood her motives and actions, she could only guess at Emma's state of mind. It was going to be difficult waiting, but she would do it. She had hope that Emma could forgive, she had sat and listened and they hadn't parted on bad terms. In fact for one of their interactions, this had been quite tame and it left behind a feeling foreign to her. It was optimism.
She trusted Emma, and she believed that there was a chance for them. Quite a good chance really, judging from Emma's reaction to her body and her comments and it was with hope lifting her that helped her take the first steps away from the waterfront on her long walk home alone.