Alison's POV
I held Emily as she sobbed until she eventually found relief in slumber. My poor Emily. She simply cried herself to sleep. As I listened to her sobs, I walked through a journey with her that began as shock and fear to one of processing and a release of pent up emotions. I could feel her pain from breaking my heart, from the physical and psychological torment from the wrath of Kate, and from the realization that she couldn't feel or move her legs.
We have so much to talk about. So many things need to be cleared up between us. But I know that I need to be patient and take things one day at a time. I need to function on Emily's time because in all honesty, all I want is to make her happy. I've given all of myself to what's best for her and I wouldn't change it for anything in this world.
As I close my eyes and listen to Emily's slow, heavy breathing, I think about what will happen next. Will we transfer her to a rehabilitation facility? Will we go back to her place, my place, or a new, more accessible place while we plan the next step in her treatment? What kind of long term deficits will she face? What will the road ahead look like for our future together? My mind wanders and ponders all of these questions until a gentle, "Ali" brings me right back.
Emily moved her arm from gently resting over my stomach to intertwining our fingers and lovingly squeezing my hand.
"Yea babe. What's on your mind?" I say reciprocating her loving touch.
She pauses for a moment before asking in a raspy voice, "How long was I in a coma? It felt like months".
"That's because it was... 4 months..." I say reflecting in the seemingly endless time I've spent here.
"What are the chances that I'll regain feeling and mobility" she asks as I feel her physically prepare herself for my response.
Taking a deep breath I reply, "Well they don't believe that there was actual nerve damage from the stab wounds. In their opinion, it's inflammation that's causing what you're experiencing".
"Sooo... that's good news I gather" she replies hesitantly.
"Yes. It is" I reply as I kiss the top of her head.
"What is your opinion about it" Emily asks.
"Well I think now that you are awake, you can begin rehab and work to regain your strength. It will take time, patience, and healing for you to regain mobility and feeling. Now how long that will take... I don't know" I reply honestly. "One thing I do know for sure... you're stuck with me Emily Fields... I'm not going anywhere".
Emily lifts her head off of my chest and looks at me with so much pain, uncertainty, and love in her eyes. "Even after all that I've done to you? Even after I failed you... us really" she asks with a pained voice as she looks away ashamed.
"Emily look at me... I know that we have a lot to talk about. And that will come with time. Your health is the main priority right now. But I want... no, need you to believe me when I say that I love you. I want you to lean on me. I want to be and give you everything you need. Do you understand that?"
Emily's eyes begin to water in response to these words. "I don't know what I ever did to deserve you. You know that I love you right?"
Softly placing my hand on her cheek, I whisper inches from her lips, "I do. And I love you too" before I kiss her.
Pulling away, I see her eyes are still closed with a smile across her lips, clearly savoring the kiss. "I never thought I'd get to feel your lips against mine again. I thought I'd lost you forever" she says finally opening her eyes.
"Our story is far from over Emily. We're just beginning" I smile before kissing her again.
After a week, Emily is finally being discharged from the hospital with a referral for physical and occupational therapy 3 times a week. She's still trying to get used to being in a wheelchair and I can see the pain and embarrassment in her eyes. I know she views herself as a cripple and a burden to me. After much deliberation, Emily finally gave in and is allowing me to move in with her while she recovers. Not like I was going to take no for an answer.
"Ready to go" I ask as she gets situated in the wheelchair.
"Yup. Got everything" she said while holding a duffle bag in her lap.
Wheeling her out of the hospital room door, we stop suddenly and gasp in unison.
Before us in a large crowd stood every single doctor, nurse, tech, and therapist that was a member of Emily's team. They all began clapping as soon as they saw us. Emily and I looked at each other with tears in our eyes as we seemed to finally realize how far we'd come.
"I have nothing but the deepest appreciation for every single one of you that saved my life and never gave up on me. Words will never be enough" Emily says to everyone as she wipes tears from her cheeks.
Stepping forward, Dr. Grayson says, "You are very welcome Emily. We are all family now and will continue to want nothing but the best for you. Sure we may have stitched you back together, but the real magic of this story is because of the woman standing behind you. She never gave up on you. She stood by your side no matter what. Alison is the true healer here".
Taking my hand, Emily looks up at me and replies, "I know that. Even though I was trapped in that coma and couldn't respond, I heard almost everything she said to me. Baby your love saved me. I'm forever in debt to you".
After kissing the top of her hand, I smile and reply, "I'd do it all over again".
Thankfully, Emily's apartment has elevator access for us to use until Emily can walk again. As I wheel her down the hall towards her apartment door, I can see Emily's body tensing up. Once we're close to the door, Emily says, "Wait...please".
Stepping around the wheelchair to look Emily in the eyes, I ask, "Em, what's wrong? Are you worried about a surprise party or something? Cause you don't have to worry about that. The girls decided to give us some space until you wanted them to come over".
Emily continues to stare at the doorknob until she finally replies, "I broke us in there. I was in such a bad place the last time I was in there. It all just feels... tainted".
My heart aches as I hear these words and see how burdened she still is by all of the awful things that have happened. Squatting down to her level, I plead, "Emily look at me. I hear what you're saying to me and your feelings are certainly valid, but I want you to look at this place in a different light". Taking her hands now, I continue, "Emily this is where we've shared countless special moments together. We've shared thousands of kisses in this doorway. We've cried tears of joy, laughter, and sadness on that couch. You told me that you loved me within those walls. We made love for the first time in that bed. You and I blossomed in that apartment. We've built something together Emily. What we have is real. Nothing can ruin the love that we have. Absolutely nothing. Our love story developed just behind that door...That's where our love story will continue".
Emily's POV
I don't remember much about what happened from the time I lost consciousness after Jared saved me in the beach house. The only thing I remember was struggling to tell Alison that I love her. In that moment, I felt like I was about to die. I was coming to terms with my circumstance. I saw her beautiful face once more and I was able to express my feelings for Alison. If it was my time to go, then I honestly thought that I could die with peace in my heart.
Waking up from the coma was incredibly relieving though. That being said though, day by day, I grew even more frustrated that I couldn't seem to free myself from it's clutches. I was trapped in my own body. I could hear everything going on around me but I could never respond. Having to listen to Alison struggle was what pained me the most. Every time she cried, prayed for me to survive, or begged me to wake up, all I wanted to do was open my eyes and tell her that everything was going to be fine.
The night she crawled into bed with me and fell asleep in my arms, I hoped and prayed that she could feel me desperately fighting my way back to her. I believe that night was a turning point in my fight back to Alison.
As my eyes are glued to the beautiful blues gazing back at me lovingly while trying to help me gain perspective, I can't seem to shake what I'm feeling in the deepest crevices of my heart.
Pain... Regret...Hesitancy... Fear... Love...
The culmination of emotions and thoughts brewing within me are causing me to question so many aspects of my life.
I love Alison more than anything. In turn, I am deeply ashamed at how horribly I failed her and broke her heart. I don't know if I can ever forgive myself even if she's forgiven me. I want nothing more than to get back to where we were before the devil entered our lives. But I can't seem to shake the feeling that I'm a burden to her right now. I mean I'm a cripple. I'm completely dependent on help right now. My heart and my body need Alison to help me get through this time of uncertainty and changes. My pride on the other hand wants to shut her out. My pride and sense of shame over my actions and failures cripple my spirit. Even though I'm not in the angry stage of coping, I know it will come. Taking my anger and frustration out on Alison is the absolute last thing I want to happen. She's done nothing wrong and has already sacrificed so much for me all in the name of love.
Love. Can it really be magic? Can it really be the ultimate cure? I want to believe so, but pride, shame, guilt, and insecurities are also powerful, deafening voices.
As I stand here...no sit here... looking out the window, I can feel Alison's hesitancy in her gait as she fiddles around the apartment. I can feel how unsure she is about what to say or do next. Our once fluid and effortless communication now feels like shattered glass on the floor. I hate this. We're different now. I have no one to blame but myself. I did this and now I have to suffer the repercussions of my choices.
"Em" Alison asks suddenly from the sofa.
Still gazing out the window, I reply, "Yes Ali"?
"Do you want to take a bath? You know, shower off the hospital" she asks sweetly.
I pause for a moment to fully analyze the proposed situtation. It's such a simple question... if you have fully functioning limbs. I don't. I can't just step into the shower like I've done for so many years. I'm a cripple. I'm a burden. She'll have to pick me up, place me in the tub, and bathe me like a small child. That's humiliating even if she'd never intend it to be. Alison's heart is too pure, too kind, too gentle to ever mean to hurt me. The entire thought process brings tears to my eyes causes me to cry loudly in my wheelchair.
Rushing over to me, Alison falls to her knees and takes my hands away from my attempt to cover my face. "Emily, I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to make you cry! I just thought you'd like to feel clean and get comfy. I never meant to upset you. I'm so, so sorry" she says now fighting back her own tears.
Before I realize it, my arms link around Alison's neck in search for further comfort. "I know Ali. I just can't function like I used to before this happened. I think the realization is just hitting me again. I feel so helpless. I feel like such a child... needing help bathing for God's sakes".
Cupping my cheek now, Ali looks at me, smiles sweetly and replies, "Oh babe, I know this is a huge adjustment for you. But all I'm going to do is help you in and out of the tub. Emily you're going to bathe yourself. There's no reason why with the a big ole cup and everything you usually bathe with that you can't do it all yourself. In this time of change, it's important for you to maintain as much independence as possible".
"Really" I ask meekly while sniffling.
"Of course" Ali replies standing up and walking towards the bedroom.
"Don't think just because I'm your girlfriend and a nurse that you'll be able to sucker me into babying you" Ali winks at me.
"I'll support you emotionally and physically when you absolutely can't do something, but that's it babe" she continues smirking at me.
My girl sure knows how to put a smile on my face. "Let's take that bath" I smile while wheeling myself towards the bathroom.
"Good. Then shall we order some food" Alison asks nonchalantly while drawing the bath.
"Sure. Surprise me" I reply while taking my top off, exposing my bare chest.
Turning around Alison continues, "Alright. I'll order it in a bit... Oh...". Her eyes widen and she raises her eyebrows as soon as she realizes I'm topless.
"Didn't your mother teach you that it's rude to gawk at people" I sarcastically quip.
Leaning down, gliding her hands on the wheelchair arms, causing me to sit back in the chair, Alison stops just inches from my face. Biting her lip, she leans in even more and replies in a husky voice, "Forgive me... But the mere sight of you topless is making me feel.. well... a certain way if you know what I mean".
I can't help but smile at her ridiculousness before I slink my hand behind her neck and pull her closer, crashing our lips together, and kissing her passionately.
Finally pulling away, Alison smiles, slowly opens her eyes, and responds, "I've missed you so much. It means the world to me to have you back in my life".
Lovingly brushing her hair behind her ears I reply, "Well, just like you said, I'm stuck with you. And guess what, you're stuck with me baby. So I guess you better get used to more kisses like those".
Alison was right. Doing things for myself definitely helped me feel in control to a certain degree. For the rest of the night, Alison and I ate Thai food and watched television. When we realized that it was getting late, we decided to head to bed for the night.
Alison picked me up bridal style and gently placed me under the covers. Crawling into bed next to me, she immediately scooted her body close to mine. Laying her head on my chest and wrapping her arm around my torso, she asks, "Hope you don't mind. I just really want to feel close to you".
Kissing the top of her head, I reply, "I wouldn't have it any other way".
We've been deprived of far too many nights like this. I want and need to feel her close to me. I want us to get back to the way we were before everything changed.
After a few minutes in silence while running my fingers through her hair, I break the silence. "I'm sorry that I kept Kate's psychological torture from you. I'm sorry that I broke us. I'm sorry I made you cry and made you think that I didn't love you. I honestly tried everything I could think of to protect you and rid our lives of the threat that loomed over us. But I failed and I'm truly sorry. I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive myself. I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough to defeat her and not become a cripple and a burden".
Alison continued to rest her head on my chest as she replies, "Emily, you are not such thing. But I'm not going to lie to you. You did break me in a way that no one else has before. My heart ached when you said those things to me. I was so confused, hurt, and angry. I just didn't understand it all. I thought I was played for a fool. You were my everything and I simply couldn't bare you seemingly throwing me away like that".
I suddenly feel my shirt dampen as Ali begins to cry. "But that moment I saw you on the verge of death on that stretcher, my heart broke. I couldn't stand seeing you like that. Even though I was angry and confused, I never stopped loving you Emily. The moment you told me that you loved me, I believed it. I just knew in my heart that something terrible had happened and you didn't really mean the hurtful things you said before. When they wheeled you away to the OR, I obviously wanted to know what happened to you. Then Jared came in and explained as much as he could to me."
Pausing now, Alison takes a deep breath and continues, "Then I realized it was that bitch that did this to you... to us really. Emily I wanted her dead. I was in such a fit of rage that I was seriously going to kill her. I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw her bleeding out on that stretcher. I actually prayed that she'd die. That way I would never have to worry about looking over my shoulder and wondering if she was lurking in the shadows. If she died, I could officially move on with my life. Yet I could only do that if you pulled through. I'd really never be able to move on if you died. I'd lose all focus, all purpose, all meaning in my life. I know it sounds wrong, but when they pronounced Kate's time of death, I couldn't help but smile. I was free. We were free. That chapter of my life was finally finished and it made me happy to see her dead. That also meant that I could give everything of myself to your recovery if you in fact pulled through".
Wrapping my arms around her even tighter, I continue, "I think it's completely understandable to feel free and even happy when someone that has hurt you so deeply is no longer a threat in your life. That doesn't make you a bad person Ali. I could tell you were going through so much while I was in a coma. I could hear the pain and desperation in your voice. I could tell day by day that you were becoming more and more exhausted. Yet you never left my side unless you had to work. Even then, it sounded torturous for you. Ali I'll never be able to thank you enough for sticking by me even after I hurt you".
Alison picks her head up off my chest and looks up at me. "I know I already told you this, but I feel like I need to reiterate it. Emily I'm in this long term. I want us to return to the way things were. I want to continue growing and experiencing all of the wonderful things life has to offer us. I want to help you through this. I want to be here when you walk again. I want this Em. I want us now more than ever".
Overcome with emotions, I forcefully pull her in and crash our lips together. The kiss we share feels different from the ones we've shared since I woke up. It feels raw and pure. We were perfectly content with being honest and vulnerable in that moment together. That kiss renewed a belief in my heart. We need each other. We're better together than we ever were apart.