Howdy everyone! I know, I know, I took a long time to update, but I had a reason I was focusing on Trust is a two way street (I did not one but two updates and it takes time)...anyway I'm back with more and I'll try not to make you wait too long before the next update. Thank you all so much for your reviews :)...Ok so you don't like the slapping...my opinion is the first one was out of line, the second slap was well deserved...but that's just me...anyway

Enjoy,

So ;)

ps: scuby, if it wasn't for our arguments... thank you for everything ;)

Titpom1, je t'ai reçue 5 sur 5 ne t'en fais pas, et ça me touche beaucoup ;)

Immi, I feel bad for exhauting you ;)

Chapter 36: Catherine

Ohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygod…

I'm heaving, my head is spinning, my legs are as hard as jelly, my hands are shaking and I can't understand for the life of me what just happened.

She kissed me.

With no warning, no signs, nothing.

Sara kissed me.

Why the hell did she do that for? Why did she have to do that? Why now?

I'm panicking, I can't breathe and my heart is going to pulverize my chest…

I'm angry, I'm elated, I'm lost, I'm afraid, I'm about to get sick…

I can't believe the nerve of Sara! Why did she have to kiss me?

Damn her!

I feel hot tears damping my cheeks, whether it's from joy or pain I couldn't say, maybe it's both. My whole body hurt, literally burning from inside, I feel like I had high fever.

I need to get out of here.

I start to walk, but my body is a traitor and I find myself going back to Sara's door, which I left ajar, no, no, no…

Please don't do this to me…don't betray me, not now, I beg my body but nothing seems to work. My body is working against my mind.

My heart is beating vigorously, I feel like I had never felt it beat before. Each beat is more painful, because it's new reminder of how dead I've been for those last months.

I'm trying to breathe deep, to stop that ache in my chest, to stop the electricity making my skin sting. I'm fighting with all my reason not to get back in, not to give in temptation. But it's a lost battle, my heart and my body are much too strong for my weak reason.

I push the door open and come in closing the door at the same time. Sara's at the same spot where I left her a minute ago. As soon as she hears the muffled sound of the door closing itself she lifts her head in my direction with a mix of confusion and shame, I'm next to her in a heartbeat.

"Cath, I'm sor…" she starts but I don't let her finish her sentence as my lips crash on hers in a bruising kiss.

I hear her in take of breath at the contact. One of her hands snakes around my waste pulling me closer to her while her other goes to my neck. Both my hands are cupping her face, the one of them goes in the jungle of her hair. My heartbeat has reached the speed of light, I feel like flying, I'm feeling…I'm alive.

The kiss is burning hot, filled with urgency, need, a kind of desperation, as if oxygen was coming from the other's mouth. It tastes like fire and tears.

Lack of oxygen starts to burn my lungs so I pull back a little but don't completely break the contact, peppering her lips with little kisses. Then I take her bottom lips in mine and suck it gently before meeting her tongue in a slower, and more sensual dance with mine. She's pulling me even closer, completely moulding my body with hers.

It feels so good, it's intoxicating.

I'm alive.

I had forgotten what it was like to have all your senses in overload, this tingling feeling under your skin, the fire in the pit of your stomach, a real heartbeat…

One of my hands travels down to her side, lightly tracing her curves before settling on her hip. I want to touch her, I'm yearning to touch her, so much it aches.

I clutch my fist on her shirt. I take a little step forward making her take a step back. We manage to find a way to provide ourselves oxygen never breaking the kiss.

She starts to massage the back of my neck delicately, caressing the soft spot behind my ear, making me weak on my knees. The thumb of the hand that is on my hip starts to trace circles on my shirt, but her touch is burning the fabric of my clothes.

I want more, I need more.

She pulls back a bit "Cath…" she breathes out.

But it's like our mouths were two magnets drawn toward one another and we are kissing again. I can feel her heart thundering in her chest and resonating against mine. I take another step forward, then my hand sneaks under her top brushing her skin.

I hear her moan in response to my touch. "Cath…" she breathes again. "We can't…" she starts but whatever her conscious and reasonable mind is trying to tell isn't in harmony with her body.

I'm losing myself in her arms. I feel so alive.

This is wrong. My mind is screaming me that this is wrong, and it is, but my heart is alive again and much stronger than anything else.

I have to stop. I can't stop…

One more step and I'm a goner, one more step and…

Sara must come to the same realisation than me because she takes a step forward, making me take a step back. The hand I have on her skin starts to explore the new territory, wandering on the small of her back. My fingertips stand a bit applying some pressure on her flesh, then I put the flat of my palm against her skin running upward.

She breaks the contact of our mouths resting her forehead against mine, panting, shaking…

"I…" I try to speak but words fail me. I want her, I love her, I want to make love to her, I want to tell her that much but somehow those words can't pass the barrier of my lips. "Tell me…" I ask her. My tears are falling again and I can feel a heartbreaking pain burning my chest as I speak. "Tell me…to leave….tell me…" I almost beg her.

All the fibbers and cells of my being, my heart, my body and my soul want to stay. The little clear mind I still got left knows I should go. Besides I don't want anything to happen like this, not when she's not mine and not when I can't be completely hers. I know that maybe nothing will ever happen in the future, I know that maybe this is my only chance to get what I want, but…this is wrong. The hardest part being that it feels right.

I kiss her deeply once more pouring all my love her in the kiss since I can't express it with words. And I should stop kissing her, I should because I won't get out of here if I keep on.

I force myself to pull back, feeling the loss as if someone had taken one of my limp away. "Please…tell me…tell me…to leave…" I beg her, crying hard. I can control my body but not my emotions and I know I won't be able to leave unless I hear it from her.

I feel her frowning against my forehead. Apparently she seems to have a hard time making a decision too. Her lips are shaking and I see her struggling with her own mind and emotions. Slowly she guides my hand out from under her top. Her movement is hesitant. She takes a step back effectively putting an inch between our two bodies and I feel myself dying a little instantly.

"Leave…" she says in a whisper not looking at me.

The word hurts me like a hot dagger plunged in my heart. I know I asked for it but it doesn't make it any easier.

I start to turn and leave. I'm one step away from her door when she grabs me by the wrist and makes me turn again, before I can say anything or react she has me pinned against the wall and she's kissing me passionately, desperately. A flame literally burns my heart as I cling to her not to fall.

Then as abruptly as it came the kiss ends. She tears herself away from me, leaning against the opposite wall, her eyes tightly shut. "Go…Go now please before…just go," she says firmly through her teeth.

In a second of clarity and heroic gesture I manage to bolt out of her apartment. I almost run till I reach my car, never looking back. Once I'm locked in my car I start to drive but pull over a few meters later. I start to cry myself out, the ache in my heart being more unbearable than it already was.

Fuck.

xxxxx

I compose myself again as I park in my driveway. I check myself in the rear view mirror and no exterior signs give me away. I know I won't be able to sustain the illusion long though. I get out of the car breathing deeply, trying to calm myself. I open and close the front door slowly like I was sneaking in my own house.

"We're in the kitchen," I hear her voice calling out, Cameron's voice.

I lean me forehead against the frame of the door and close my eyes tightly. I sigh. This is not the moment to flinch, not now. I take a deep breath and open my eyes again. I lick my lips out of reflex and can find the faint taste of Sara's lips lingering there.

I turn around and try not to run to the bathroom. I make a stop when I reach the island and turn around. I see Cameron next to Lindsey, apparently they're making the cross words in the news paper. "Hey there," I say weakly, both heads turn to me.

"Morning Mom," Lindsey greets me.

"Hey yourself," Cameron says with a sweet smile. "We made breakfast waiting for you," she announces.

I feel sick in my stomach just seeing her there, just feeling her sweetness radiating from her. I should feel elated to be here, coming home to my daughter and Cameron. I should, instead of that I'm happy to come home to my daughter…period.

"I'm going to take a shower and I'll join you in a bit," I say before heading to the bathroom.

I'm halfway through the corridor when I hear her voice again "Cath?"

I close my eyes and sigh.

"Hey, are you okay?" she asks.

I feel her hand on my shoulder and I jerk away. I turn around and her hand is suspended in the air. She's confused at my reaction to say the least. "Sorry," I say and sigh again. "Work left me on the edge and…I need a shower."

"Alright," she replies.

I turn again and start to cross the last distance between me and the bathroom. "Cath?" she calls me again. I stop my motion but don't turn around. "I…I'm here for you, you know."

I close my eyes again, I need to reach the bathroom fast because I can feel the mask slipping away from my face. "I know," I whisper before going in the bathroom.

Once in, I lock myself and shed my clothes. I get in the tub and turn the spray of water. I sit down, knees to my chest and let hot water washing over me, trying in vain to erase Sara from my lips, from my body, from my heart.

I don't feel the water though, no the only thing I feel are the tears damping my cheeks.

Fuck.

xxxxx

I come out of the bathroom not feeling any better, but at least I have some sanity back.

I join Lindsey and Cameron in the kitchen, we have an almost quiet though nice breakfast. Lindsey tells me about her plan for today, she's supposed to go shopping with her friends this afternoon. Until then, Lindsey has her basketball practice, and the time for her to leave come too soon to my taste. I'm really not willing to be left alone with my girlfriend right now.

We hear the horn of a car outside. Lindsey looks at the window and then turns to us. "It's Elie, I got to go," she announces before hugging and kissing me goodbye "Love you Mom," she says.

"Love you babe, and watch your ankle," I warn her.

"Yes, I will," she says before kissing Cameron goodbye "Bye Cameron."

And two seconds after she's out of the house. The moment I dreaded arrives, I'm alone with my girlfriend.

I turn to her and look away. "I'm going to bed," I say flatly.

I stand up and head to my bedroom. I lie on the bed in a foetal position turning my back to the door. I feel cold here, I don't feel, I'm not even sure I got a heartbeat.

I'm dead.

I hear sound in the room and feel a slight depression on the bed, then a pair of arms pulls me backward. I feel sick, this embrace feels wrong. It has always been, only it wasn't important, but now I can feel it and I can't erase the memory of Sara's embrace.

Cameron kisses my shoulder gently. "Hey there," she whispers.

I close my eyes tight, but it doesn't stop tears from falling though. Her touch, her carefulness… not only I don't deserve any of it, but I'm being unfair with her. I shouldn't be there.

Before this morning I could be there and not feeling so depressed, so dead, but now…

I had another taste, a greater taste of what I want, of what Cameron won't ever make me feel, of what I'll never feel in her arms. Now I can't entertain the illusion anymore, I can't pretend.

No Cath! No…

I swore to myself that I'd try, I care about Cameron right? Right? I do, I know I do, I love her, I told her so and…and I felt like I did when she made love to me…

Then why don't I feel anything?

My tears double and Cameron holds me tighter against her in response. "Baby, you're scaring me," she says.

I feel sad and depressed and hurt.

I had managed to block everything for months and now the gate is open again, letting my emotions free and untamed, wild, powerful, pouring onto the open.

Wish that heart would stop bleeding itself dry out of pain, out of love for her, for Sara.

xxxxx

I open my eyes and it feels like I had a jackhammer in my head. I turn around only to realize that I'm alone.

I get out of bed and go to the bathroom to have a shower. I get in the tub and let hot water splattering on my skin, trying vainly to ease the tension in my body.

Memories of yesterday are still fresh in my mind. I don't know what I feel, besides feeling empty that is.

I don't want to think about it, about the possible meaning. I don't want to be rejected again so I'm not going to go and confront Sara about anything. I mean with the luck I got this time she'll say 'Oh I'm sorry I don't want you to have the wrong impression, I just had a lust daze and you were there at the right time, nothing more'. Yeah, that or a lapse of judgment or anything that means rejection. Fool me once shame on me, but fool me twice shame on you, I'm not going to give her another opportunity to hurt me like she did. As a matter of fact it doesn't matter, I'm with Cameron and I lov…I'm with Cameron and I'm good with it.

I have to… I mean I wanted this, and I have to give it a good shot.

I thought I had barricaded my heart, I thought that the walls I had put would never stumble down. Yet one touch of Sara and everything vanished like air.

Now…

All my work is ruined now, now the gate is open again and this time I know I won't be able to get back some control over my feelings again. At least every time Sara and I will be in the same radius.

Why does my life have to be so complicated?

It's not complicated. I make it complicated. I'm not with the one I want? Big freaking deal, the Stones said it right, 'you can't always get what you want…but if you try sometime you find, you get what you need'. Yep, that's the truth.

I need to be with someone who wants to be with me, I need to be with someone who loves me, I need to be with someone I can rely on. Sara's a fantasy, someone I'll never be with, no matter what happened today nothing changes, she stays out of reach. Cameron however is there, with me and she loves me, she's real. I can't let that go.

I'll never get what I want, but I have what I need, so I should focus on that and nothing else.

xxxxx

I get out of the shower after some undetermined time. I go in the living room and to my surprise Cameron isn't there. I look around but she's not anywhere in the house. I start to look for a note but nothing. I try to remember any appointment she'd have told me about and that I would have forgotten but nothing comes in my mind.

Weird.

I grab my phone and call her, I end up on her voicemail "Hey babe, you're not around, well…you didn't leave a note or anything, so I'm a bit worried I hope everything's okay, give me a call when you get this. Bye," I leave a message.

I'm actually worried about Cameron. It's not like her to go around without letting me know where she is or that she'll be back. I suppose I forgot that she had something to do today.

I know that when I came back she was the last person I wanted to see, but now that my sanity is back, I want to be with her and I wish she was there so I could hug her and apologize.

Living with Cameron is fairly easy, she's not confrontational and she's sweet. She always is, she seldom get angry. She's calm, maybe too calm, so sometimes I feel like she wasn't challenging me enough or like we were unbalanced. But fundamentally we're good together.

We're good together.

xxxxx

I'm staring at my phone, as if it could ring just by the power of my will. It's been a little more than three hours now since I woke up and I still don't have any news of Cameron, I left many messages on her a phone and so far she hasn't called back. It's really not like her to go without a word and not to give signs of life.

I'm really worried now.

I grab my phone once more and call her again. "Hey babe, it's me again. I know I'm being really annoying harassing you like I do, but I'm really worried and I wish you'd return just one of my call to tell me what's going on. Please call me back, ok? Bye, love you."

I sigh in frustration.

Fuck.

It's almost time for me to go to work. I'm pissed at Cameron now, she doesn't return my call while she is God knows where, and she was supposed to take care of Lindsey today after picking her up from her basket ball match in twenty minutes. Nancy is not available, my mother either, Warrick's my only backup left on the list, if he can't make it, I'm stuck, bloody brilliant.

I dial Warrick's number hoping that he will be able to make it.

"Brown"

"Hey Rick it's me. I'm in a jam right now, I'm on call but there's no one for Lindsey. Well… Cameron was supposed to be there, but I can't reach her and…"

"Ok no problem, I got it," he simply answers, bless him for always making things easy.

"You're sure?"

"Sweetie, I'm sure. I'm your backup right? Told you, you need me, just say so and I'm yours. When and where should I meet the princess?"

I sigh in relief. "You know I love you Rick, right?" I smile.

"I love you too Cath," he answers chuckling.

I give him the directions and tell him that I'll do my best not to come back late. I give a call to Lindsey explaining her the change of plans, then I get ready to go to work.

I hope Cameron is okay, I really do, because when she comes back home I'll give her a piece of my mind. It's one thing to stand me up or ignore me, but when you engage yourself toward my daughter you stick to it or at the very least you give me a warning. I mean, that's the little engagement I was expecting from her, or from anyone I actually trust with Lindsey.

xxxxx

I go to work pissed as hell and moody, better not play with me today.

After locking me in my office so I could cool off a bit, I decide to go to the break room. As soon as I get in I regret not staying in the confines of my office. Sara's there talking with the boys and my heart plays tricks on me skipping beat then accelerating its rate.

I take a deep breath and shake my head a bit. I must be strong.

I greet everyone and go straight to the coffee pot. I chit chat with Greg, all the while I order myself not to turn around and look at Sara.

And just like always fate decides to laugh at my face pairing me up with her today, aren't I a lucky woman?

We don't talk to each other, no greeting no anything. We just go to the locker room getting ready and then I find myself driving without so much as a protestation. This silent dance quickly makes me edgy.

We barely can look at each other but you can feel an awkward tension going on. Questions are swirling in my mind, but I can't bring myself to talk to her.

Thanks goodness for small mercy the drive to our scene is short. We get out of the car and grab our kits before walking to our scene.

"Oh this is so not good," those are the first words she addresses to me. And as I take a look at the scene I can only agree to her statement.

They struck again. The 'pillow killers', they struck again.

Crap.

We come in the house completely and take a good look at everything. There's a dead couple on the couch, they're sitting as if they were watching the TV. Something's off though.

"They're escalating," Sara states.

And it hits me, one wall is splattered with blood. No more tidiness like for the other scenes, definitely not a good new for us. It's been months since the last scene, we have reviewed every angle, every tiny evidence we had and yet this case had turned cold. Now though the killers returned and their little upgrading in their MO is everything but good new.

"Seems like only one of them had the throat slashed, they keep the same MO for the other one," I add motioning the dead couple.

"You think it was personal?" she asks.

"We can't rule anything out," I shrug.

"I'm taking the floor," she says before moving away from me.

We get silently into work. There is no doubt in my mind that we have to deal with the same killers. I can find traces of their 'safe path', apart from the blood splattering on the wall there's nothing new in their pattern. Almost all the place is bloody except from the spots near the doors and windows.

I don't know how much hours I spend crouched in the living room looking for evidence but I feel knots in different muscles. I stand up and stretch a bit.

"Catherine," Sara calls me. I lift my head up and look at her "There's some upgrading up here as well," she states before disappearing upstairs again. I follow her silently. She's standing on the threshold of what I guess to be the bedroom.

I stand next to her and take a look at what she wanted to show me. As I guessed it, it's the master bedroom, the first thing catching my eyes is the bloody pillow in the middle of it. "Now that's new," I mutter.

We enter the room and process it. There are some more blood stains on the covers but except from that area.

Once we are done we tell each other what we found and try to see where that leads us. We took a tiny step forward but we don't have that much more than what we already had.

We check the perimeter together and come back empty handed. We finally decide to head back to the lab. As soon as we are in the car again, the tension returns. Obviously none of us is willing to face whatever happened yesterday. I can't stand this uncertainty though, and I want things to be clear once for all.

"I'm with Cameron," I state not looking at her and focusing on the road. From the corner of my eyes I can see her head turning to me, I spare a quick glance in her direction and see confusion. "I'm with Cameron," I repeat firmly.

"I know…" she answers flatly. She sighs "Look…"

"Save it," I cut her firmly. "I don't want to hear any of your explanations, or excuses, or whatever. "It was wrong, it shouldn't have happened and it won't ever happen again. I'm with Cameron, I love her and I want you to respect that…" I can feel the bitter taste of ashes in my mouth as the words pass the barrier of my lips.

"Oh that's rich, I … you're the one who…" she starts.

"It doesn't matter Sara," I cut her off. "It shouldn't have happened, and it won't happen again. I just wanted things to be clear on that point."

I'm making sure that my voice doesn't waver. I don't know who I'm trying to convince the most, her or myself. But I'm doing the right thing, I turn the situation in every senses and this is the only thing there is to do.

"Don't worry it won't," she answers a bit angry. She rests her head against the window and closes her eyes.

xxxxx

"…So you had a great time with Uncle Rick?" I ask Lindsey.

"Yep, we did my homework first then, we talk about my game today and we watched some basketball before playing," Linds answers.

"Good, I'm glad it went well. Have you eaten yet babe?" I open the door and let her in before following her.

"Yeah, we did, Gram had left something for him earlier and it was excellent. But I think I might be hungry again," she giggles.

I shake my head and chuckle. Sometimes I wonder if my daughter has a stomach or a black hole she uses as a stomach.

"And Rick said he'd come to see me at my next match…hi Cameron," as soon as the words leave her lips I turn around and effectively see Cameron sitting on the couch.

"Hey there kiddo," she smiles a bit.

I can feel all my anger bubbling up again. "Linds, baby can you leave us alone, Cameron and I need to talk…I'll fix you something to eat a bit later ok?" I say not tearing my eyes from Cameron's figure.

"Okay mom," Linds answers without arguing.

Cameron and I stare at each other not saying anything, the only sound breaking the silence is Lindsey's door being opened and closed.

"You could have fixed her something to eat Cath," Cameron says.

I snort in disbelief. "I don't think you're in position to give me advices about how to take care of my daughter," I reply harshly.

"If she's hungry you should fed her. She wouldn't have told you that she wanted something unless she was hungry," Cam's continues.

"She has already eaten at Warrick's so she can wait a bit," I come back. "I don't remember you caring so much about her when you were supposed to be there," I say bitterly.

"I was there, but when I arrived she was already gone, with Warrick apparently," she sighs. "I had a rough day okay."

"You had a rough day? You think my day was like a walk in a park? First of you disappear, no notes, no signs, not even bothering answering your phone or returning my calls for that matter, standing Lindsey up and now coming back in here without so much as an apology."

"I'm sorry I didn't return your calls…I had to take care of something at work…there's this kid who needed me okay," she says a bit harshly.

"I'm not reproaching you with going back to work unexpectedly, my problem here is the fact that you committed to take care of Lindsey and…"

"And I was there! Only you wanted to have another way, and asked your friend to replace me!" she accuses.

"I had to be sure somebody would be there since returning a phone call or sending a text message has become too damn hard for you!" I reply. "I can't go blindfolded when it comes to my daughter, I'm not playing guessing games and I don't have supervision!"

I start to pace out of frustration. "What the hell got to you? Aside being pissed at you for your irresponsibility regarding Lindsey, do you know how worried I was?" I ask her.

"Do you know how worried I am each time you go to work? I don't make a mountain out of it."

"When I'm at work you know it. This morning you were gone, disappeared, I didn't know where you were, I didn't know if you were okay, I didn't know anything!"

"Please stop with your false concerned," she spits out of the blue. "Just because I'm in love with you doesn't mean I'm blind or stupid."

"Excuse me?"

"I just need to know one thing. How long has it been going on? Just be honest…I'm not angry I just feel like a fool. I knew there was something between you after the way she treated me but…"

"What on earth are you talking about?" I ask her shaking my head as I don't get a word of what she's saying.

"Sara, I'm talking about Sara."

"What does she have to do with anything?"

"Oh please, I can deal with a lot of thing, but I won't let you lie to me, not anymore than I'll deal with you cheating on me."

"I beg your pardon? I am not cheating on you!" I protest.

"You said her name…in your sleep," she adds through her teeth. I blink at her in disbelief. "Don't look at me like that, you said her name several times during your sleep."

"Is this what it is all about? You act like an idiot because if something I did being unconscious…do you realise how stupid this sound?" I ask her really not over my surprise. "This is ridiculous. This is beyond ridiculous," I walk out and head to the corridor, then I turn around and come back to her. "You know what, I want you to be comfortable, so just in case I might call whoever's name while I sleep, I suggest you sleep on the couch," I turn around again.

I go and confine myself in my bedroom. I start to pace again. I can't calm myself so I come out again and go back in the living room, Cameron is still there standing where I left her. "You know what bothers me?" I ask rhetorically "Your lack of trust in me."

"I trust until I'm given reason not to trust."

"I may be slow to take decision when it comes to us but I never gave you any reason not to trust me."

"I'm not stupid Cath, and I hate this feeling I get, the feeling that you're fucking around on me."

"Watch your mouth," I warn her in a growl. "Then once again, I'm not cheating on you, I am not."

Fine I'll admit that what ever happened yesterday wasn't a good thing. I know what I want though, I want to be with Cameron, and there's no need to talk about that stupid lapse of judgement I had with Sara.

"Then why did you have to go and say her name?" she asks. "Her name. This is the woman that used to show up on our front steps at any hours of the night and day. What am I supposed to think? Why her name?"

"I don't know, I was asleep for goodness' sake!" I shout. "I came back home and cried myself to sleep, the next thing I know you're gone!"

"Hell yeah! Can you imagine what I felt when I hear my girlfriend calling another woman's name?"

"You're irrational?!"

"How do you want me to be rational Cath? You don't talk to me, you're pushing me away, you act weird and start to cry without any reasons and then I have to listen to you calling her name. Put yourself in my shoes and tell me that I'm wrong to think you're cheating on me!"

"You're supposed to trust me. I had a bad day yesterday and I needed some time alone."

"You're not with me Cath; when you're with me, you're somewhere else. I don't know what's going on and when I try to reach out for you, you spit in my face. I don't know where I'm at…I was mad at you that's why I left like I did and then I had to go to work, but even then I was ready for Lindsey…"

"Cameron, you can't go on like that with your mood then come back and hope I'll be okay with it."

"You get away with everything, you treat me like you want to, reject me like I was nobody, talk to me when you feel you don't have any choice, I think you could cut me some slack!"

I stay silent not answering. How come this relationship isn't as good as I thought it was. Is this really how I am with her?

"I'm pretty sure that I'd have a better treatment if I was your pet," she mutters.

"So this is all about payback? Fine, I haven't been the most perfect girlfriend so far, I've been a terrible girlfriend even. You wanted me to say it, there you go," I tell her flatly. "If I'm such a bad person why are you staying around?"

"Because I love you Cath."

"If you love me so much why can't you be a little more understanding? My job is rough and sometimes I can't be around anybody, I'm on the edge and I just want some time for myself."

"I'm not anybody Cath, I shouldn't be. I want you to talk to me about your work when it's wearing you out."

"I don't want to. That's the thing."

"Why can't you let me in?" she asks almost desperate.

"It's not about letting you in. It's about forgetting, forgetting all those things I have to face every night. I don't want to come in here with it. I need to clean my head up and when I'm in my house the last thing I want to do is to think about it."

"So you were only upset over work last night right?" she asks before pursing her lips. "I mean that's the only reason, right?"

I know that my next words are about to be a lie. I've made up my mind, and Cameron is the one I want to be with. I better put all the chances on my side. "Yes," I say firmly.

"There's nothing between you and Sara?"

"No, nothing at all," I lie again.

"You're not lying to me, are you?"

The problem when you lie is the that you can't just say one lie, you have to lie to cover the first one.

I walk up to her and take her in my arms. "I'm not. I love you Cam."

She hesitates a bit but then eventually returns my embrace. "I'm sorry about today," she whispers. "I needed time to think…I'm sorry."

"Don't pull a stunt like that on me again."

She holds me tighter but I don't complain. I caress the hair behind her neck in a gentle motion. She has her head buried in the crook of my neck. "Cath?"

"Yeah baby?"

"I love you," she says before kissing my neck delicately.

I pull a way a little and kiss her lips.

I'm a liar, and a cheater, I'm not proud of it. Life is made of choices and compromises. I've chosen to be with Cameron, compromising with my heart. If you can't be with the one you want, want the one you're with. I can't be with who I want, but I do want Cameron. It will be enough.

It has to.

The song Cath is referring to is 'You can't always get what you want' by some of the gods of rock The Rolling Stones

Thanks for reading.