A/N: Hey, look who (didn't) update on time! I'd have been early if I finished this on the day I started. To the Nether with thee, procrastination…

WAIT A SECOND.

HOLY NETHER, MOJANG.

Happy 1.4.6, everybody. O.o

"Many issues have been fixed!" Please be Nether lag, please be Nether lag, please be Nether lag…

Ohright, and if you know about the whole Elite III thing, I'm done with it. I'd rant, but I'm not annoyed about it anymore. :P I am not a member of the Elite III and this story is not an Elite story. So yeah.

Also, WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS! WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS! WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEEEEEEEAR

And congratulations for surviving yet another apocalypse.

ON TO THE CHAPTEEEER

"You know what?"

Thok.

You're a cheater?

Thok.

"That too."

Thok.

"But I think all the realms-"

Thok.

"- just plain hate me."

Thok.

Why am I not surprised?

Thok.

"Because you're an utter pessimist."

Thok.

Very true.

Thok.

"I'm not surprised either!"

Thok.

"Shut up, Triston."

Thok.

"'Kay…"

Thok.

So here was my current situation.

Thok.

Helmet: practically concave.

Thok.

Hair: thoroughly singed.

Thok.

Number of netherrack blocks in inventory…

Thok.

Steadily depleting.

Thok.

Total number of ghasts fought today?

Thok.

Three.

Thok.

Total fireballs to the face…

Thok.

Eight.

Thok.

Current location…

Thok.

About thirty blocks above a roiling sea…

Thok.

Of molten rock.

Thok.

Game difficulty?

Thok.

Peaceful.

Thok.

Cheater.

Thok.

No kidding.

Thok.

I was heading for an island that hung suspended above the fiery ocean, probably about twenty-five blocks up. A little soul sand outcropping was my more specific destination, since that was the part of it I could reach most easily. I could see a little brown mushroom growing out of the grey-ish muck. How cute. I was making rather slow progress across the fiery gap in the midst of my complaining, but finally I was suspended about four blocks above the murky outcrop. Oh, great. Soul sand. And I'd have to jump down into it.

Feeling squeamish, are we?

Yes.

Oh, how heartbreaking. Jump down already, would you?

"But it's gross," I moaned, peering over the edge of the bridge bleakly.

"I can help with that!" Triston proclaimed, materialising behind me, seizing me by the ankles and pitching me over the edge. With a yelp of surprise I landed face-first in the gritty muck and sunk a good few tenths of a block into it, coughing and spluttering as I tried to free my arms and legs and wipe it off my face. Eventually I managed to get to my feet and wobble as the heavy iron boots stuck in it, so I trudged up the blocks and onto the netherrack past it. I let out a sigh of relief once I'd made my way onto the solid crimson stone before mining a staircase upwards and ending up on a platform about forty blocks across. It was empty of pigmen due to the game difficulty-

That is, your cheating-

And, after checking F3, I strolled calmly to the wall opposite. I climbed the small rise there and entered a rather cosy, interesting-looking compartment-cave-thing where a few fires lazily conversed in their crackly voices. Clambering through it, I made my way up the hill at its end, through the small gap and-

I gaped.

There lay the Nether fortress.

Sluggishly a lava-fall oozed past next to me and about five or six blocks below the maze of dark halls began. They crisscrossed, wound, snaked and just glowered, their deep maroon bricks seeming to exude darkness. Without another thought I hopped down the few blocks I could and jumped, landing with a sickening snap on the netherbrick. This walkway was empty save for a single pigman. I began to creep along it, iron sword in hand, heat from the bricks seeming to cook my feet in my boots. Wait, was that a blaze spaw-

A fiery form shot into the air and glared at me with golden eyes.

Well.

That's certainly a blaze.

No freaking kidding.

You may want to duck.

W-

With a rush of air and fire three flaming orbs came hurtling towards me and I ducked with a cry of surprise. The heat from them coursed through my helmet and attempted to singe my hair again. I'd be bald by the time I got back to the Overworld, I bet. Leaping to my feet again, I whipped out my bow and nocked an arrow to it, taking aim at the blaze's fiery head. "Two can play at the firing-projectiles-at-each-other-until-someone-dies… game…" I trailed off lamely. It just stared at me as though to ask how the Nether I had thought that would sound even remotely dramatic.

Then it gave up and shot more fireballs at me.

So followed an epic duel in which I got severely burnt, missed about ten times and finally landed a few arrows in the thing's head. With a raspy sigh it combusted, rods, head and smoky body dust in but a moment. I felt horrible.

Well, you could let it kill you next time.

"And you could provide good advice."

Here's some good advice for you. Go left. Looks like there's a blaze spawner there.

"Oh, lovely. Just plain lovely," I said sarcastically, throwing up my arms and turning on my heel to head left. The walkway ducked under an outstretched arm of netherrack ahead and I crept into the shelter of the crimson rock and shadowy brick, bow clutched so tightly that my knuckles turned light grey. They couldn't quite make it to pure white from jet black. Lazy sods.

Suddenly I was within the 'tower' room at the end of the passage and one of those sets of stairs was near-invisible against the wall opposite the entrance. A lump formed in my throat. I swallowed hard.

Carefully I hopped up the first step.

Then the second.

The third, the forth, the fifth, I opened my eyes without remembering closing them and looked around to see…

Oh, fructose.

"Wai hello there," said Herobrine cheerfully, hands outstretched to either side of him and plumes of fire licking up at them. He was even more intimidating when not made of smoke, over two blocks tall (that's more than six feet for you Imperial-system-users) with muscular arms and, of course, the glowing white eyes. The teal shirt, the blue jeans-pants-whatever, the grey boots…

The five blazes on either side of him, three pigmen accompanying each group and two ghasts floating behind him. Oh, no. Mélodieux appeared on my left, Triston on my right.

Herobrine grinned, still holding the fire in place.

"Anyone up for a boss battle?"