SKIP TO STORY IF YOU'RE NOT INTERESTED 3

Well guys, I'm in the last year of high-school and I already can't believe that it's passed so fast. The Love Training has been the my signature story during this time period, but I just feel like I've gone through a mass of changes and the beginning feels so distant and different from where we are now. I've gone through a massive amount of changes. I don't think I'm wrong to assume it's visible in the story.

I guess one of the big changes was realising that I have to finally start my own life and start taking everything more seriously. I've taken this story more seriously since then. It's so soon to say I'm going to college, but everyone's preparing my generation for it so much, that I already see myself all alone in a completely new city. I'm kind of excited. Can you guys relate? Are you also being pressed with preparation for college?

So I don't know what will come of me in the future. Hopefully I'll come back rocking with a better English, since it's what I wanna study, along with Japanese, haha! I'm not going to start talking about it because if I do, I would not be able to stop. I get SO EXCITED.

But I also get so nostalgic, because I kind of feel like I'm leaving everything else behind. My Dad was saying something about it a while ago and I was glad it was dark and he couldn't see my tears. These weeks I've been so obsessed with going back in the past, remembering all about my childhood, clinging to it as if I'm going to die or anything. Gosh. I started reading my old fan fiction stories and I laughed and cringed so hard. But I'd never delete them. They're genius, in their own kid-brain way.

Guys, be happy. Wait, don't know how to be happy? Simple. Step 1. Find a worthy person. Step 2. Find out what their love language is (whether it's small attentions, encouragement, touches -hugs, massages- or chocolate). Step 3. Love them. Happiness guaranteed.

Wait, you don't want to be happy? Pascal said a genius thing once (paraphrased): There are two types of people on this planet: people who want to be happy and mother freaking liars.

And one more advice before I let you read this chapter that even though looks like a filler, is very relevant to the future plot: Treasure the present like the wonderful present it is.

Part three:

The Awakening

I take a deep breath. I'm nervous. Gulping, I wipe my sweaty palms off my jeans and try to concentrate on what's ahead of me. Somewhere in the shrunk distance my vision is lost and all that surrounds it are dots of light on a grey background. Only in theory do I know that what's in front is a stretched tunnel with lit up torches hung on it's stoned walls, on each side at equal distances. In my mind it's all a fusion of colours and moving figures. Wait, moving figures?

I see a man approach me, wearing a long black coat lifting in the air as he advances fast. He's wearing a white kerchief around his neck and the collar of his coat is straightened up, according to the new dress code of the 12 generals part of the Council. I stand there motionlessly, waiting for him to arrive, when he unexpectedly starts talking even though there's still a big distance between us.

"Miss Heartfilia, what is that which you are wearing?" he calls rebukingly.

I laugh and he stares pointedly at me. I feel lightened and the nervousness eases as I continue to laugh even when he's in front of me, frowning.

"It's a pair of jeans and a t-shirt; what's so shocking about it?!" I grin very amused.

"You were required to dress elegantly. Isn't this a very important event?!"

"Is it?" I ask half faking, half really surprised. "I didn't realise it was."

He gives me the look and I lift my eyebrows inviting him to complain.

"You're the one benefiting from the ceremony and now you're telling me it's not an important event? You're practically part of the governance. You should treat it with more respect and gratefulness."

"I know, I know," I roll my eyes and he puts a hand on my back, pushing me forth. We start walking in the direction I was supposed to walk when I stopped to take a breath. Which makes me think he was sent to get me. Does that mean I was being late? Or did they see me stop through the cameras again?

"Never in the history of this organisation has such an honour been made. I still can't believe they're allowing you to skip one position in the hierarchy," he continues.

I shrug. Then, as I still feel his hand on my back, I shrug again brutally, hitting his arm. With a quick surprised glimpse at my narrowed eyes, he draws his hand back fast.

"In normal conditions, according to the protocol, a surviving traitor should be stripped of the previous ranking and his living should be taxed mercilessly within the organisation."

"Aren't you supposed to say that during the ceremony, too?" I glimpse at him hiding an abetter smile.

He turns a surprised look at me.

"Well… As a matter of fact, this is part of the presentation's speech, but even though I was supposed to be the one to say it at first, a colleague was given my role in the last minute."

"So don't waste your breath saying something that not only have I heard a thousand times already, but is also going to be said during the meeting, okay?"

I put a comforting hand on his shoulder, as if he needed it after hearing the harsh truth. He glares at me, smiling sarcastically. Then out of the blue, I see him give me a once-over. He remains thoughtful, but there's something on his mind that he wants to speak out.

"What?" I ask as we fast-walk down the tunnel, a note of amusement in my voice.

"Nothing," he says silently and looks straight ahead, his face frowning like he were in deep thought.

"Don't look at me like that and then tell me there's nothing. Is there something you need to tell me? Was I given another order?"

"No new orders were given; however I couldn't help but notice how changed you are, since I first saw you a month ago."

"Oh," I say in a chuckle. Then as I think about it, I chuckle again. "Yeah, I guess huh." I smile and we see the Training Hall opened up ahead of us, roaming with people and chatter, impatient and annoyed. "I gained my weight back. In fact I'm worried I might've gained a little more than that," I say as I look down at my side and pinch my skin. Fortunately what I feel under it is not fat, but muscle. I don't know how I could survive the trainings with fat weighting me down. I still get times when I want to just stop worrying about building my muscles and instead eat popcorn until my pants pop.

He steps to enter the Training Hall, but I grip his long coat and pull him back brutally. He turns shocked at me as I hiss:

"Wait!"

He stares at me as I fix my hair fast.

"How do I look? Do I look presentable?""

"Didn't I make my point until now that you do not?!" he says between his teeth very annoyed, especially because I keep delaying this moment more than I should.

"I'm nervous; what do I do?" I tell him as if he could do something about it. He rolls his eyes.

"Some stage fright shouldn't concern the Survivor. Now get your ass in front of there!" And he pushes me inside the enormous room where the organisation is gathered almost entirely to see me.

A little more than one month has passed since Section C. Well, since I've escaped Section C, to be more exact. After I started eating, my healing process began as well. I completely stopped screaming and I found an odd calmness in that perfectly white room. I spent the hours trying to regain my voice and after I did, I was so bored I started singing. I even composed a nice tune about fluffy walls and annoying neon. I slept like a baby for hours in a row. I no longer felt anxious and instead I just felt my heart full and peaceful. Every day I meditated upon everything that Layla told me that night and each time I felt lighter and lighter.

In one week I was finally freed from the torture of the straitjacket. I cannot begin to explain what a relief it was to see and move my hands again to my heat's content. After the medic completed the exercises meant to regain the flexibility and usage of my arms, I literally started dancing in the room and I made the girl laugh. I had never been so happy.

Soon I was taken in complete secrecy from the other trainees to Section A, where I was given a room of my own as a sign of my advancing in rank. I was given the documents where the bottom line declared I was officially a leader. My new room rocks. It's way bigger than I imagined it would be and the bed is king-sized. I have a wardrobe with a lot more items than the previous cupboard offered in the newbie dorm, and a computer of my own (although absolutely everything I use it for is being supervised by a computer programme in the Office and anyone can check what I search of the Internet or whatever I do with it). I have a few stacks of books and tests for each subject we take, which means that at BLS they consider learning a privilege only the highly ranked are given. There's also some kind of voucher for the cafeteria, library and the shooting room and a free pass for the Office hallway (the one you weren't supposed to walk unaccompanied by a leader, where the President's office is as well) and the organisation's pool. Finding it was a shock, considering I had no idea they had a pool.

Then I waited. After I was supervised for one month, even in my own room, by the doctor and psychologist, I was declared healthy and ready to make my big appearance in the society again. Today was one of the rare times when I was allowed out of my room (except for when I go to the bathroom), and I was taken aback by a lot of the changes in the organisation. Knowing that I've been kept in the dark for so long makes me very uncomfortable, especially after Rita assured me when I last saw her that something is happening. The fact that the Office got a dress code is, for starters, weird, and even weirder is the fact that it's so silent and deserted all the time. Whenever I go to the bathroom, the tunnels and halls are completely empty. I haven't met with anyone aside from the Council and other generals and coaches. The trainees seem to be constantly engaged in an activity. But I haven't even heard the usual loud chatter in the cafeteria when I was passing by it one morning.

So when I'm brutally thrown in the crowd by the general and forced to walk through that sea of people shouting 'Excuse me!' left and right because apparently I'm not tall enough to be noticed, I'm overwhelmed by everything. I haven't seen more than twenty people at the same time for the last month and a half, and now I'm forced to push my way through hundreds of them.

Then I'm finally starting to be noticed. People start stepping to the side and it gets silent around me. I look around at all the faces; some of them I know, some I don't.

My heart is beating faster by the second, especially when rumours start spreading and I hear my name being whispered in every direction. People start elbowing each other and making a way for me. I smile nervously, feeling my palms wet again. I lift my eyes blushing and I look around breathing heavily. I'm close to the front, where the generals are talking to each other on a low voice as they stand on a platform in a circle. I see a spot of salmon above their heads and my heart starts skipping serious beats. I feel my chest tighten so hermetically that I have to double the effort to breathe. But my eyes cowardly move away from him as they return upon the crowd.

I unconsciously straighten my back as I realise all attention is directed at me. I hurry towards the platform. The more I know hundreds of pairs of eyes are looking at me, the more tensed I get. And, of course, it's a compulsory law that when it's most crucial that you lay an elegant and gracious walk to the judging eyes around you, you fail shamelessly and stumble over an invisible stone. When I trip, my hands bolt to the front, but I don't make the contact with the ground as I jump back in balance. My cheeks blaze when I hear tens of chuckles around me, but I realise that the atmosphere was so tensed that now it's actually better. I giggle too, a little awkwardly, but eventually I arrive at the platform and I climb the stair, this time being a little more careful not to trip.

The thirteen men on the stage turn surprised; they were very caught in the debate they were having.

My eyes meet with Natsu's. He's changed.

I look away. He got a haircut and now he waxes it. It looks very good on him.

But I can't control myself and I glimpse again. I catch him doing the same thing. This time I cower even more and direct my eyes at my feet while the blood is rushing in my cheeks, although I can't see anything else than the remains of his image before me. I wish I could know what he's thinking right now.

"Very well, it seems like our party is complete," says one of the generals sighing tiredly from the waiting. He walks to the microphone while the rest of the eleven (my guide from earlier also joined them in the meantime) line up beside the stage where they get the best view of the presentation. Natsu remains on the platform a few feet away from me. It's like the distance between us materialises until I feel him move even when I can't see him.

I lift my eyes and finally set them upon the crowd. Nearly a thousand trainees are lined up like an army, silenced and looking straight ahead, at me. I feel a dry lump in my throat as I let my eyes slip down the picture, stopping upon each face, each plastic face showing the least of emotion as they have been religiously taught within these closed walls. I feel simply blocked as I recognise the silence they keep as evidence to a strict assessment of mindless constrictions. Such perfect order, such a painful sight. As if they're now paying for the sin of laughing when I tripped.

It wasn't like this when I left almost two months ago. What's happened in the meantime?

Is it his work? Or was he controlled like a puppet by the true power in this organisation? I can't tell. But it doesn't look like Natsu to inject such manipulation inside these people. These kids.

What I have decided, along with Rita, is that I'd love to find out who exactly holds the syringe. And there's no guarantee that we won't bring him down. Even if it's Natsu. Especially if it's Natsu.

He told me once, that he was interested in finding what the Truth was. Now that I've found it, I intend to have another chat with him. And if he's the one behind all of this, I'm hoping I can help him have a change of heart. I expect the worst, so I believe that Natsu, hard-working in his position as always and constantly fighting to maintain it, had done everything the Council asked of him. And since the Council's main motives regard the welfare of an assassination organisation, of course they keep in sight strictly what makes a human controllable and robotic in order to listen and complete missions precisely as specified. Which means this pretty picture: nearly a thousand people staring at me, fitting together in a formation that would put pixels in Ira Goldklang's TRS-80 to shame.

I realise the general has been introducing the purpose for this sudden meeting: my revival from the grave. Now he's about to finish his speech in which he states the sudden change of heart the Council has dealt with, deciding to adopt me at BLS again, giving me a second change. As if my survival had to do sorely with their merciful, parental hearts. And now they want to celebrate my return from a successful mission that they should forever bear pride for, of course a mission unprecedented at the organisation which should be rightfully awarded with an ascension in rank, twice! He continues to bla-bla until he gives the President the floor.

My chest squeezes again and the pit of my stomach twists. My nostrils dilate as I breathe heavily in and out. I hear his steps when he walks up in the front, a tiny microphone clamped on the lower part of his black suit's collar. I haven't seen him in so long, that even the sound of his steps sounds painful to me. I hold my breath, the blood pulsing in my entire body, when he sighs bulkily. I lift my eyes and look at him, taking advantage of the fact that he's the speaker. I take my time studying him. What does his face tell about his thoughts of his heart? Can I still recognise him like I used to, an eternity ago?

Natsu's nose is not straight, but the top of it is sharp. His eyebrows are low, lightish and there's a line between them that must've formed throughout the years. His eyes are dark, but it only makes them reflect more light from all around him. It shows a certain docility that also reflects in his personality, even though he rarely shows it. Two lines underneath his eyes mark the beginning of bags and they highlight the depth in his orbs. His lashes are long, but their colour is light so they're not very prominent. His higher lip is slightly curved upward and the lower one is fleshier, shadowing his wide chin. His jawline is not exaggeratedly evident, but its squareness is what makes him so irresistible. His neck is muscled and thick, continuing with wide, round shoulders that protrude through the suit, cutting lines before the biceps follow his strong arm. He stands tall, straight, elegant and imposing, staring down the crowd with a freezing look. His lips are moving and I catch him twisting his head slowly but not completely, his eyes meeting mine with a certain hostility.

I snap out of my reverie, caught red-handed in the depth of a silence which turns out to exist out of my head as well. All eyes are on me and I feel the blood heating up my ears and cheeks. I spin an innocent look from the generals, to Natsu and to the trainees.

"What?" I ask in a mutter.

Half of the room starts laughing, while the other half keeps an amused smile on their faces. I suddenly see Gray laughing his butt off. I feel myself grow wings when I recognise his face, growing a wide grin on my face. I get so happy that I immediately forget the embarrassment, and only when our eyes meet I realise how much I missed him. Next to him stands Levy, waving like a psychopath and grinning from one ear to the other.

"I was telling the trainees that you must've developed an odd habit of staring things down while we haven't had the pleasure of seeing you," says Natsu slowly and a corner of his mouth is curled in a smirk.

I open my mouth in shock and insult, but it's only making me blush madder. How can he do this to me?! Is this no longer personal between me and him?! Now he's bringing this in front of the entire organisation?

But it was a little funny, though…

"Mr. President, I'm afraid I only developed a habit of staring off into thin air. I'm sorry if I confused you with empty space," I narrow my eyes at him and a cackle bursts from the crowd. I even see a few generals crack a smile.

"Well that's funny; and here I thought you were appreciating the effort I put into my appearance especially for your sake."

I blush even harder at his sarcastic smile. His arrogant eyes stir my organs like a strong eddy.

"After all somebody had to look presentable."

My lips press together tightly as my eyes widen, a burst of laughter in the background, announcing how the trainees are loosing up more and more. I admit that it was funny, but I bite the chuckle off my lips. I put my hands on my hips, then I move them to my chest, where I cross them churning ideas in my head.

"My," I say in a scoff. "I prepared myself for a whole variety of things, but not seeing our President in the infancy phase of developing a sense of humour."

Natsu lifts his eyebrows at me.

"Oh dear no; I wasn't trying to be funny," he raises his hands in innocent defence.

"Of course, you're a natural. You don't need to be trying," I smile very sarcastically at him.

"On the contrary, when faced with individuals like yourself, I admit I find it rather challenging trying to bring out something humorous."

"Oh, what a relief!" I burst faking delight. "You don't find me comical!"

"Not in the slightest; thus I have been invited to entertain the public in your stead. I like to believe I'm doing everybody a big favour."

"Why… I do find myself guilty sometimes taking pleasure in seriousness. I like treating those who deserve it with honesty and compassion. Thank goodness I didn't find it necessary to murder you with such boredom."

Among the heavy laughter, someone howls a long "burn" and I realise the meaning of what I've just said a second too late. I wanted to make them laugh and lighten up. What I did instead was not just burn, but set a whole fire.

I stare into Natsu's eyes and sense the acid in them; an anger churning in him is chewed between his jaws. I rubbed salt on the wound. 'Honesty and compassion'. Why did I have to bring these two words? Why did I have to remind both of us of my infidelity?

Even though the air between him charges as if it were a circuit, the trainees don't notice it, laughing and starting a buzz of chatter. Then briskly, Natsu turns to the crowd and flashes a forced smile.

"Alright, enough with the comedy."

More or less. While on my side there was nothing more than simple jokes, I could feel the stinging in each line of his. Now he throws me one last accusing glance and then starts talking with a different tone of voice. I feel my back very rigid when I turn a metal look at the crowd. My eyes meet with Levy, which is surprising as it is considering her height. She lifts her eyebrows, a smile on her small, round face still. I feel myself growing more and more distanced from the world as I sink in a state of sorrow. Even Levy can't protrude me with her cheerful eyes.

"But I won't keep you for too long," says Natsu after a minute of explaining something that I missed out on. "I'm sure you've all been waiting for our Survivor to share her thoughts with you."

I notice the sarcastic tone on which he spoke my nickname. He leaves the stage very fast, dodging everybody with his eyes. As I stare after him with my eyebrows furrowed, I walk slyly at the microphone. He sits on a chair behind the generals' rowed chairs and then lifts his frowned forehead. Back there where no eyes can see him, he glares at me revengefully. Before our eyes would meet, I hurry to look away.

"Um…" I begin, trying to concentrate on what's before me. I lift my eyes at the mass of people and feel my breath caught in my lungs. "Hi," I let it out.

A few smiles appear and I chuckle, my voice intensified by the microphone. I wet my lips, pausing to arrange my thoughts. I'll try to let go of him right now. This is a foreground that I need to cover.

"Well, first off, thank you all for being here. I'm sure you had better things to do… Like… training… or whatever. It's lunchtime, isn't it? I guess you should've been eating by now. Sorry," my voice dies off at the end of the sentence and it's so silent that the blood rushes at my cheeks. "Not very inspirational, I know," I chuckle again.

I gulp and dry my palms on my jeans again. I look at the ceiling sighing. Then I look back at them.

Oh, dear God. Help me deliver the message that's been on my heart.

"Um, I just want to ask you something really quick," I say. "Which ones of you are newbies? Lift your hand if you've been here for less than a month."

At first there's hesitation, but then around fifteen hands lift up slowly, insecurely. I nod approvingly.

"I don't know if you've already known this, but I've been here for less than five months. Which means that around four months ago, I was just like you. Lost, scared. I'm not going to lie saying that I felt great and brave. I was a coward and you have to admit too that you're not exactly in your comfort zone, either. It's not exactly the place you dreamed of waking up to in the morning, is it?"

There's a shifting among them and especially among the higher ups. I feel myself glared at by at least a few pars of eyes. But I'm not going to stop at this.

"What I want to say is that I know exactly what you're going through. Having your whole world stolen right before your eyes."

Even though I just started, there's already reaction: eyes darkened, jaws tightened, fists clenched.

"Then one month ago I went viral," I laugh bitterly. "I was broadcasted among the entire organisation and all of you saw me die out there," I pause. "Except I didn't die," I smile. "You studied me and dissected me like a frog. Learning from my mistakes was something very smart and I congratulate the Council for this idea," I nod in their direction, but the men don't know if they're being mocked or appreciated so they don't respond.

"I hope I was useful for your lessons and that I didn't disappoint my coaches. I honestly tried to apply everything I've been taught and it kind of worked, didn't it?" I make a very long break, in a quandary between continuing or not. I feel Natsu staring at me, and I want him to hear it. So I go on, looking down at my feet. "I was especially well prepared by somebody very special to me. And without his help I think I would've just died. So many hours were spent for my sake, but really what counted the most when I was out there, facing that reality of death, was remembering that there's somebody who cares enough for me to want me back safe and sound. It kept me going."

I have to force myself to breathe and have to pinch my leg to keep on going. It's obvious that the lump in my throat is not caused by the nervousness anymore, but by the remembrance, which embraces me with its numerous arms, like an octopus pulling me inside.

There's such a thin line between being overwhelmed by what happened and completely blocking here, and giving it all up for the sake of returning to the security of my little room, where no one can see me suffer and where no one would know what I've done. I don't know what keeps me going, what keeps me safe, when I'm about to go through all of that again, but it works.

"What the coaches aren't teaching you…" I hear myself speak clearly, although there's a layer of fog in front of my lost eyes.

I take a deep breath, trying not to give in to the tears.

"What you couldn't see as you dissected me… Is how scary it was."

The tears tickle down my face and blind me completely. Along with the silence, it creates this feeling that I'm completely alone in this room. Slowly, I wipe my face even when they keep on coming. I laugh shortly, my voice echoing and bouncing on the stone walls.

"Embarrassing, isn't it?" I say. "Not quite the girl you saw in that tape, am I?"

I shrug, grinning.

"No flawless hair, no tight dresses and red rouge, and especially not the savage assassination material."

I turn to the generals and my eyes meet with the one who lead me here earlier. I smile softly at him.

"General Roman," I address him. "Can you play the tape as we discussed, please?"

And as he starts tapping on a device he's holding in his lap, looking similar to a smartphone, the lights shut off brusquely, making the room sink in complete darkness. Only few breaths are audible due to the surprise. Then an old-fashion projector throws a ray of light on the wall behind me which amplifies into a square image. I don't need to turn in order to know that it's showing me in a bathroom next to Choi Wu, the 8th Target of my suicidal mission.

My chest tightens and I hesitatingly pull out a small remote control for the projector, as if I'm having second thoughts about this. I click on the laser button and then turn to look at the screen. With a face trying not to show how much the sight is hurting, I thrust my hand circle Choi Wu's head with the small red dot of the laser.

"This guy's name is Choi Wu," I begin. The trainees already know most of this. "He was the leader of the gang I was supposed to exterminate and this is when I was just finding it out. I want you to watch what's happening in this episode."

I play the tape. The images turn vivid with movement, but there's no sound. All we can see are the facial expressions and the mouths moving. My face in the video looks white and when I'm talking to the man, the shadows of my face are long, making me look ghostly. At first it seems like I'm flirting with him, until the talk starts getting serious and we start fighting. Then after fifteen minutes I'm inside the room with the other targets that I mercilessly shoot the limbs of. After a while Choi Wu finds us inside and a few strung moments precede an exchange of gunshots. Eventually I disappear through the ventilation system and Choi Wu doesn't break the contact with me even when he can't see me anymore. He gets his hand on a gun and starts shooting through the ceiling. Then the police breaks inside and a hell of fighting starts.

"The tape doesn't show it," I speak clearing my throat and pausing the video using my remote control. "But that first bullet hit me right here."

I put a finger on my right thigh.

"And the video doesn't show this either, but another bullet made a hole in my shoulder right here and now's there's this big notch inside my flesh," I say as I touch the exact spot, where I feel the scarred skin under the t-shirt. "Some would say I took it up a notch."

Most people chuckle and I smile back. I start walking back and forth nervously.

"And there's something else that video isn't showing," I say and it gets silent again. I can hear my own steps on the metal platform. "Inside that tunnel I experienced something so close to death that it scarred me more than this," I touch my thigh, "or this did." I then touch my shoulder."

I take a deep breath and try to organise my ideas.

"Well I'm sure most of the people in the room have already experienced this and it's nothing new to them. I'd like to congratulate me and you for being alive here today."

I make a pause and smile widely at them.

"What kept me alive at that time was a pure miracle. I'm still amazed by how it happened and if you're interested, I'd love to tell you in private. But now what I want you to remember is that I was scared like hell that I was going to die. I'm not sure how well you understand how real fear is during a mission. If you ever feel bad about that, it's normal. But now I'd like to show you another video. This one wasn't broadcasted in the organisation for reasons I cannot tell."

General Roman does the same thing on his touch-screen device and another image appears on the wall.

"I do not have permission to show this video, but I'm ready to bear the consequences, " I glimpse at the Council, whose eyes are narrowed and some are ready to jump and protest. Except for Roman, who's on my side.

I turn around and stare at the huge image of me standing with my forehead glued to the door of Chase's house. He's walking into the kitchen and I am trying to calm down. A weight falls on me and all those emotions flash through me like in a powerful wave as I'm reliving the moment. I can remember each sound, each thought, the touch and sight of each object in his living room.

I start trembling and I find it immensely hard to breathe. I could just stop. I could just tell them that I can't do this. But once again, I find myself talking with courage instead of taking the easy way out.

"When I found out that they recorded this," I speak, still facing the wall instead of the audience. My voice is shaking and it makes the room completely silent. "I wanted to delete it."

Chewing on my cheeks and lips as if it would make the burst of my emotions stop, I turn around very slowly.

"I wished that it didn't even happen in the first place. I wanted to do anything to just make it disappear," I grin amused by my own weakness, feeling a bitter taste in my mouth. My eyes are burning. "It drove me mad and each time I fell asleep, this is what killed me on and on, on and on until I felt that I would rather die than relive this moment in my nightmares. I know that most of you know what I'm talking about. I'm sure you know about the nightmares."

My eyes are wide. I feel the blood thickening in my veins at the bare thought of what my head went through. I see a flash of me screaming and twisting like a worm just to get rid of the voices, of the faces. I don't want to ever go thorough that again. God, don't let me go through all that again.

"But I want you to watch it," I whisper. "I want you to see everything. I want to show you guys the truth behind the lied that you're being told."

From the corner of my eye, I see Natsu's head jerk up. I feel my heart skip a beat and I need an effort of will to stop my head from turning at him. Is he surprised? He doesn't know I found the truth, does he?

In an impulse I press play. The video that I tried to delete not only once, but three times, takes life before the curious audience. The video that I loathed with all my heart. But God knew what He was doing when He made me stop before each time I clicked that delete button.

I hear a whisper coming from the generals' seats: "Did she enter the Office without permission?!"

The fact that he asks such a question means that Natsu didn't tell them anything. I stop for a moment, surprised but trying not to look too obvious. I don't know how to feel about the fact that the protected my image. Should I be happy? No, come on, I can't be thinking about him right now. Just not now.

"I heard some things, and I figured we'd meet even If I went back or not."

I didn't realise the second part of the tape had the audio on. It's not hard to disconnect with Natsu in my head when I hear Chase's voice. A while ago it would've blown my head with horror and guilt, but now it simply presses my chest. It even stings it a little. Heck, it still makes me cry my heart out. Only that I don't let them see me my contorted, wet face, as I turn my back to them.

I feel awkward; I hug my elbows as the conversation rolls on. I bite at my nails breathing difficultly and pacing back and forth. When I can't take it anymore, I bend down and slowly, under everybody's eyes, I sit down, crossing my legs. I'm facing the generals and having the trainees on one side and the screen on the other. I stare terrified at the images, my eyes lost in somewhere on the axe of time. It's hard to remain in the present when the past is flashing right before my eyes.

Painfully slowly, the organisation watches something so hatefully personal to me, that with every minute I get tenser and tenser. I feel embarrassed and violated, as if their eyes revealing what happened during the part that wasn't broadcasted in the organisation one month ago, is their eyes revealing what's intimate to me.

But I know that I need this if I intend to heal from the mission completely. I know that He wants me to do this if I intend to forgive myself for throwing that knife. And for the rest of the crimes that I've done. Including lying and fooling a man's heart.

I stare at me, at those ice-cold features on my face when that man is holding me closely, kissing me with fire, touching the untouched of my body, destroying what I held dear and treasured; all on my own free will.

The desperation of feeling his cold, ruthless hands again on my back, on my arms, and the desperation of knowing that I was the one who wanted it, excited to feel his flesh rot between my criminal fingers as I was giving up every moral boundary I had set for myself, is still destroying me to this day.

Then we collectively reach the part where I knock Chase off the coach and mouth-feed the poison to him. I don't have the time to shiver, feeling the last cell in my body incorporate in the past, when half of the room bursts with surprised and impressed exclamations.

In shock, I turn my head at them. The light is reflecting pale colours on their faces. I can see their eyes widened and lips curled. And they're delighted. Contrary to everything I'm feeling.

Feeling my face burn with indignation, I refuse to believe my eyes. They're delighted that I made a move to kill a human-being, just like themselves. What has the organisation done to these people? Why did they brain-wash them like this?!

But it's not from them that I need to find acceptance and understanding for my values. It's already pretty obvious that I don't share the crowd's values. It's already obvious that most trainees got so accommodated to killing that it's no longer a burden to them. I'm just not like that. I can't get used to murdering. I don't want to.

I let them gaze in amazement as Chase and I stare rabidly into each other's eyes while the police is bursting in. Then I don't know why and I especially don't know how, my eyes slip and stop upon Natsu. What I can almost see is the reflection of me in his eyes as, screaming, I'm throwing that knife into Chase's chest. The sounds of the trainees reacting to it fade away. Natsu's the only one I see. His shocked face, along with the tenseness of the people around him, is something which confuses me. Then his eyes move from the screen. They connect with mine. He remains like that for a while, while the wall flashes with pictures of me fighting the men, bringing them down and them standing back up.

I'm crying, covering my mouth, gritting the pain between my teeth. He shakes his head slowly and I know what it means. Still looking at him, I make a few tries to open my mouth and speak. It's almost impossible for me not to tell him using the microphone clipped on my t-shirt, that I wasn't thinking straight. I feel a desperate need to bring excuses, to make him see what happened through my eyes, but as I see the look in his eyes, the expression that changed from cold to tense, I realise that I don't need to. The video does the job by itself; it explains something that almost cannot be explained. I understand so when his mouth moves, forming words addressed to me. When he finishes, my shoulders shudder violently. I take a deep breath. I talk to him, I talk to the trainees; it doesn't matter anymore.

"Do you know what the target told me before I just lost it?" I ask on a pitched voice, crying it all out. "He told me that I hated him so much because we were the same. Because I was a criminal just like him."

It's silent again, while the video continues with me killing the men in the police car. I'm still looking at Natsu, as if he's the only one that I'm addressing. I know everything that's going on the wall without me having to watch it. After all I've watched it hundreds of times so far. I know which move I used to crack the driver's head against the windscreen, it was something that Natsu taught me for self-defence. But I used it to kill a man. I wasn't conscious, but I also killed the policeman sitting next to me by striking sensitive parts of his head. With hands cuffed together, using only my legs, I killed three men. I watched all of it. I can't even explain how I felt when I discovered it. Imagine that you wake up one morning and find a recording of you killing somebody over the night without you even knowing it.

"I didn't even know that I murdered thee innocent people. I hardly remember anything that's happening before your eyes."

I cover my face, letting the truth of my crimes resonate in the room. But once I say it out loud, I feel lighter.

"My mind was so affected by the fact that he called me a criminal, that I was driven crazy and continued to be an even bigger one."

I suddenly stand up and face them with my legs a little parted. I wipe my face and try to stop my crying.

"Did you like what you saw there?" I burst angrily. "I'm so flattered. But you don't seem to get it, do you?"

I turn my head to look at them from one side to the other. But there's no response, aside from a little fidgeting.

"Remember what I said about the other video? I went through hell knowing that I was going to die. During this part of my mission I wished that it had actually happened."

They still don't understand my point. Shaking from head to toe, I clench and unclench my fist. I turn a furrowed look at Natsu, but he's staring back at me lost somewhere in the distance. He can't even focus his eyes. His face looks very pale and unsettled in the light of the projector.

"What you dissected during your lessons was my act," I say silently at first, then raising my voice. "What you were just impressed by, that wasn't me," I pause to take a breath, which turns into irritated panting. "Who you are now, enjoying your lives as criminals, are not you. These are the hypocrites. What you saw on that screen was a hypocrite," I point at the wall behind me.

I feel a dark laugh exit my throat and then my face contorts poignantly.

"Guess who the real me was during this mission?"

It's silent. My hand is trembling as I'm still pointing back.

"The one freaking out because she was going to die. The one who afterwards wished she would've died. Get it now? That lady whose moves were perfect, that prepared trainee wasn't me. The real me was suffering. The real me was crying in her bedroom like a child because I couldn't do anything about whom I had become. What you weren't shown in the wonderful, fully-packed review of our honourable Council," I feel anger gather in me and I shout the rest of the phrase. "was that I'm just a normal human-being, like the ones that I've killed!"

I breathe heavily, releasing the pressure in my chest. My tears have partly stopped, although I still feel my muscles strung.

"When all I wanted was to pretend I was normal, that target called me a criminal and showed me who I truly was. What drove me mad was that I ignored the truth for so long, that I actually turned out to be like him. He was right, and it blew me off. Think about it. Think about how this information about me affects you. Does it tell you anything about yourself?"

I make a pause of silence in which I turn and walk around trying to relief the anger. But then I suddenly return with determination.

"And if you still don't believe me, watch this."

I press the fast-forward button on the remote control and stop when a tape surprises a white, square room that looks like a ballooned box in an eagle-eyed perspective. Before this image had the ability to make me freeze in terror.

"Ladies and gentlemen," I speak mockingly. "I present you Section C."

My body is twisted in that damned straitjacket.

"A place not for the faint-hearted."

I am screaming, fighting the costume and the images that I still see in my head.

"A cage where madness dies with you."

My body is crazy, caught in convulsions and desperate manoeuvres. I knock myself against walls. I crawl on the ground. I yell.

I'm grimacing, watching the greenish recording with the date and time written in one corner, the seconds flying off in square numbers.

There's a stiffness in the air; I'm scaring them. The generals included. It makes you want to laugh.

"This is reality; but I presume none of you knew it," I turn my head to them, narrowing my eyes. "I didn't mean to disrespect the generic tendency for secrecy, but as long as it regards me, I believe I have the right to tell you the truth."

I turn to them with my entering body, the stirring images continuing to flash behind me. The faces of the trainees are frozen with uneasiness, lightened by a weak green ray.

"You still think that it's cool how I threw that knife? My dear fellow trainees. Behold the consequences. You still think that the way I planned out the mission was smart? I invite you to go through the same closeness of death, through he same terror of being alive, and through the same nightmares that I had."

I make a break of silence, trying to calm down my nerves and shaking muscles. I realise I've been speaking on a high tone, so I lower my voice again.

"Now this, ladies and gentlemen, is how a complete dissection is done. As the General has stated in his introduction, it really is a miracle that I'm back here at the organisation. For completely different reasons. Because from a normal human's point of view, I did not survive it. It killed my sanity and my peace."

After that anger wave, and after I calmed down, now I start feeling peaceful again. As if it was all just a scolding, for those that I, in truth, hold dear to my heart.

I feel happiness pour inside me, in spite of everything that just happened. I'm still tearing, but I can't stop a wide grin from spreading on my face. None of it makes sense, but I feel so lightened, that even though they can't see my face due to the only source of light being behind me, I feel them gazing at me, drinking in my words. I spread my hands, then let them fall back beside me.

"Still, here I am. Unharmed and better than I was when I entered BLS. Sane and free. Uncharged."

I let out a chuckle.

"Newbies. I've got good and bad news for you. The bad news is that you might have to go through everything that I've shown you in order not only to survive, but to be admired and considered a hero. You might have to hurt a lot of people, both strangers and friends. But the good news is that there's medicine for all of it. I'm not talking about Section C. I love the girl working there, but God I never want to see that place again. I'm talking real medicine here," I knock at my chest with my fist. "One that heals the unseen organs of the dissected frog. It all comes down to whether you want to take it or not."

I grin off the grossness of the sentence, then I dash away a tear.

"Now," I pause. "What do you chose?"

There's an anticipating silence. Somebody turns the lights on and everybody blinks at the shock of it, fidgeting. Now they are finally able to see me as I smile with love filling my teary eyes, a love so misplaced and strange to them that they don't know how to interpret it. I let out a huge sigh, mostly of relief that I've been able to get it all out of me, even though that wasn't the best speech ever.

"Thank you," I whisper. I straighten my back and put the remote control back in my pocket. I then slap my jeans and wipe my palms on them like people sometimes do after finishing a well-done job. I look at them. "Any questions?"

The hands that lift almost equal the number of people present.