okay, so i think ONE person got that... the "Bella, I can't do that."... even though i gave a hint after it trying to help... but that's okay. Bella did get it. and will explain it now.
37.
the quiet settles again
because i let it
and let myself gather my thoughts
rein them in
and try to do the same with my temper
because this time his stupid isn't his fault
it's mine
and a bear's if we're being fair
"I'm not asking you to join the Donner Party, Edward. Just to dinner. You can choose your own entree. And even one for me if you'd like. Or if you're worried about what I'd choose for myself if you didn't."
"I don't think you'd like what I'd choose for you, Bella."
he's right about that
i wouldn't like it
and didn't all of the times i chose it for myself
and liked what the bear chose for me so much better
when it made me choose for those poor hikers...
it or me
"I know what I look like, Edward. Right now... But it's not entirely my fault that I look it. And that I did the thing that made me."
"I know it's hard, Bella. I'm not judging you. Or blaming, or–"
"I was doing it your way. Even though you weren't here. None of you. Even though I was all alone... and even though your way is gross... I was. But then I smelled another... and then heard why I could... smell it so strongly... stronger by the second... and louder... the pulsing... and the screaming... and the ripping apart of both...
"There were two. Hikers or climbers... and I think one of them had fallen or something and was hurt... and the other was just trying to help his hurt friend... get him out of here... get them...
"But then a bear did. Get them. And then I... Well, no, I couldn't stop myself, and didn't even want to, but... well, it was merciful, too. My not stopping. I swear it was. Because what that bear was doing to them was not. And not fast, like what I did after I made it stop. The only time I did that thing. Which just happens to have been the last time I did–or had–anything. And–"
"I know about bears, Bella," Emmett announces
and i don't get mad at him for interrupting me this time because i know he does
knows better than i ever could or would ever have wanted to
knows like those hikers did
"And I know that, whether you couldn't stop or didn't want to once you hadn't, that you DID do a merciful thing. No matter how much you liked it, which I know about, too, just like everyone else here. Including the 108 year old virgin. Whose ass I will kick for you if he pretends he doesn't and gives you any shit about it."
i laugh because i can't help it
because 108 year old virgin is funny
and because "Like I need you to do that for me?"
SO funny...
to everyone but Edward
who isn't laughing or even smiling at either funny thing
or at his because-of-a-bear-and-another-merciful-vampire brother
or at me
who he's not smiling at because he's too busy looking at sadly
before looking at his family madly "All alone?"
REALLY madly
because even more than he may not like the way i look...
he doesn't like that part of why i do
the part they don't have to answer or explain out loud
because he can hear what they don't
that he shares with me in a way "I'd love to go have dinner with you, Bella. Because I'd love to do anything with you. And everything. But also because I'm going to need my strength... for when we return. To them."
oh he really doesn't like it...
the everything that they did to me
and Edward not liking something...
as long as the something isn't me...
is...
well...
108 year old virgin?
who's starving and low on strength?
well we'll just see who returns with what
after our dinner
his...
and mine...
that i want to finish with a dessert
a big slice of virtue pie
after i make him run after me again
"Last one to the diner is a rotten egg!"