Whoops sorry for the wait you guys! Got distracted with the Calgary Stampede and a bunch of friends ;) so here you are! A super awesome chapter that makes me cry every single time I read it without fail! Enjoy!
"Regina please eat something," he begged quietly but she didn't even glance at the food he held out for her. This was the third day now. Two days without eating or truly speaking or looking at anyone. She would drink water but that was all. At least it was something.
Every morning after she got dressed she would go to the window and she would stay there until it was time to retire and go back to bed. He was not managing well but he was managing. He desperately wanted to know what he could do to help her but perhaps this was her chosen method of mourning and coping. He missed her though.
He placed the apple on the small table next to her water and she still did not move. "Please Regina," he whispered and placed his hands over her own that laid in her lap. Her gaze fell to their hands and he felt a little flicker of hope that perhaps now she would look him in the eye. She didn't though. Not even when he ducked his head down a little to try and catch her eye.
So he kissed her cheek instead. A soft lingering kiss on her soft skin before he reluctantly walked away and left her to be alone. He made it out of their room without letting his tears fall but his eyes betrayed him when his mother walked up to him but she wiped away his tears.
"She will come back. Don't worry," she spoke quietly with a smile almost too sad to be titled a smile.
"It's not fair," he whispered and shook his head, "she's lost too much already. This isn't fair."
"I know," she whispered slowly and cocked her head sadly as she held her sons large hands in her own small ones, "but you have found a very strong girl and she just needs to find a way to come back."
"But what if she can't?" He whispered helplessly, worry growing in the pit of his stomach, "what if she's too tired?"
Ruth shook her head and tried a smile, "she's too proud and stubborn for that."
"Your Majesty?"
James lifted his head to look over his mother's shoulder at the man who spoke and he offered him a smile but it was hard to have his mouth cooperate, "I've told you many times to just call me James."
Claude nodded and smiled, "habit. May I have your permission to talk to the queen? I've had experience lifting her back on her feet and by the sounds of things she is not doing much better."
James shook his head sorrowfully and spoke quietly, "no she is not doing much better at all. And you don't have to ask for permission to speak to Regina. You are her friend and she holds you close to her heart."
Claude smiled a small smile and nodded as he walked past James and Ruth and to the large wooden doors that kept the queen from the rest of the world. He opened one only enough for him to slip inside and then closed it behind him. The queen sat in the window, the dark green silk of her gown dropping off the side of the window seat and pooling on the floor and her long dark hair left down to fall over one shoulder. Her knees were lifted and one arm laid over her stomach while the other was bent so her soft fingertips could rest on red lips.
As he stepped closer he could see the faint dark circles beneath her dull and sullen eyes. She hadn't been crying for there was no pinkish hue but he was not convinced that that was a good thing.
He sat beside her without a word, her toes beneath the dark silk touching his thigh as her empty eyes watched him indifferently. He didn't frown nor did he smile, he didn't shake his head or nod, he stared in to those dark brown eyes until he found the pain and heartbreak he knew was there and knew would knock the breath out of him. When this woman felt she felt with every fibre in her body. It was why she could be so angry and so vicious, it was why she could be so gentle and loving, why she could be so happy and kind, and why she could hurt until she felt nothing at all.
When he found it she had tears in her eyes likely because she knew what he was waiting for, what he was waiting to find. When he felt that strong ache in his heart and felt his breath catch in his chest he turned at the waist so he could face her more and lifted a hand to wipe away a fallen tear and then moved his fingers down to the corner of her mouth.
"I remember when these lines showed your sorrow," he spoke gently and moved his fingertips to her forehead and the middle of her brow, "and when these ones showed your anger," he wiped another fallen tear and paid little attention to the way her shoulders had started to quiver. "They are now mere whispers of your despair," he moved his thumb to the outside corner of her eye, "they have been replaced with joy," he smiled a small smile and cocked his head as he wiped away another fallen tear on his way back to her mouth, "and laughter," she closed her eyes and turned her head in to his touch and he held her face, his thumb moving over her cheek whenever a new tear fell.
With a sad smile he let go of her face and moved his hand to rest over her heart, "your heart is strong and it is good and your little family you have found has taught you how to use it and has taught you that it is okay to use it. I admire your heart and the strength it lends you to stand back up after every tragedy. You are a good woman and you are so strong and I am proud to call you my queen."
Her tears fell faster and he could see she was finding it hard to keep herself from voicing her cries. Lastly he moved his hand over her stomach with the kindest of touches and he heard the first of many cries he was sure he was going to hear. He moved his thumb over the muscles that tightened with every quiet cry and spoke softly, "your belly will get round someday Your Majesty and you will teach your child that it is okay to be angry, it is okay to be scared, it is okay to be sad, it is okay to hurt, and that above all it is okay to love. Your child will fall but you will teach them that they have to get back up and you will teach them how. You will teach them that love is powerful and that it does not matter where you come or where you are going to it only matters who you are with."
He smiled a sad smile and cocked his head, his hand still resting over her stomach as she covered her mouth with one hand and cried through closed eyes. "You will get the chance to watch your belly grow," he moved his thumb over her stomach and placed his other on the side of her thigh just above the bend in her knee, "you just have to give it time."
"It's my fault."
Claude shook his head and replied definitively but kindly, "it is not your fault."
"I am broken."
"You are not broken," he assured her gently and she only continued to cry.
"I don't want him to hate me."
Claude shook his head and swallowed down his own tears at her whimper that was followed by harsh sobs as her body vibrated in fear, "he doesn't hate you. James loves you with all his heart. He is hurting too. You need one another Your Majesty. Neither of you can get through this alone."
"I killed our child," she sobbed miserably but Claude didn't move and he didn't change, "he will never look at me the same. I cannot look at him and see the disappointment and regret in his eyes."
He shook his head once again, "you did not kill your baby. This was beyond your control and your husband will never look at you with less love," he shook his head and she bowed her head as she cried, "he does not and will not ever blame you for this. He loves you and you can do no wrong in his eyes. He will look at you just as he always has; like you are his everything and that he cannot live without you."
She only continued to cry helplessly. She was, after all, only human. "You will have a second chance at being a mother. You will have that tiny little body grow inside you and you will feel them kick. I promise you will get that."
Regina shook her head against him as she cried, her heart aching in her chest and every nerve in her body feeling raw and giving her nothing but pain, "you can't say that for certain."
"Have I ever broken a promise to you Your Majesty?"
Another small shake of her head and the quietest and saddest of voices, "no."
"I assure you this one will be no different."
...
Neither of them had been sleeping well at all the past couple nights and with the dark circles growing beneath Regina's eyes he had to wonder if she was getting any sleep at all. She still had not spoken a word to him and he didn't know why. She spoke to her father and she spoke to Claude but she refused to speak to him. He felt guilty. He wanted to comfort her but he didn't know how.
She was in his arms right now and he held her close and tight but it was like she wasn't there at all. It was almost like he was holding the empty shell of the person she was. When she started to move he remained still and relaxed with his eyes closed as if he was asleep. He did not move when she left his hold until the door opened and closed quietly behind her and only then did he open his weary eyes and push himself up in to a sitting position.
He contemplated leaving her to go on her own but his curiosity and concern had him quickly pulling on a warmer coat and a pair of boots and silently following his dear and wounded wife.
...
Regina walked slowly in to the stables with her head hung so her eyes focused on her bare feet padding quietly across the cold cobblestone. At the many friendly nickers of greeting she lifted her head to see all of the horses with their heads looking out of their stalls and their ears perked in her direction. With a simple wave of her hand the torches on the wall between every stall were lit and the stable was glowing with the soft warm orange.
She lifted her right hand and watched her fingers move over the velvety muzzles of each horse, stopping for a moment at Isadoro to pay a little more attention to him. His head hung low and she wrapped her arms tightly around his face and rested the side of her head between his black ears while her body leaned against his large black face.
She stayed like that until she was shaking and her tears were falling at the pain that tore her apart inside. She turned her head so her face was buried in his thick black forelock and she cried, her shoulders shaking and his gentle nicker aimed to comfort. After a few moments longer she let go of his face and he only lifted his head so their eyes were at the same height.
They were strong kind eyes that looked at her without judgement because they couldn't understand the things she had done. They saw her for who she was, nothing more and nothing less, "you're a good boy Isadoro," she whispered and ran a hand down his face before she stepped to the side and opened the stall next to him and walked inside as Rocinante backed up a couple steps to allow her room to move.
The stall was dim but Regina could still see her friend standing in front of her, her chestnut coat flickering with the flames outside her stall door and her dark eyes reflecting the fire but it did not make her look fierce as it could but instead added to the gentle life she held. Her neck was arched and her ears pointed attentively toward her shaking figure and her eyes showing concern for her well being.
A silent deal, a bond, a love that was unlike any Regina had had was strong between them. Rocinante cared for her in Regina's times of need and Regina did the same for her. Like a mare to a foal and a mother to a child. She needed her more than ever.
"Rocinante," she whimpered slowly as the tears streamed down her face and she collapsed to the straw covered floor with her hands shaking in front of her, "make it stop," she cried the words out quietly and her body shook cruelly as loud choking sobs tore her apart. Her dearest friend circled around her so she stood at her side rather than in front of her before dropped to her knees with her ears pointed in the direction of her inhuman wails. She then dropped her hind quarters down as well and laid next to her, their bodies, one big and one small, resting against the other.
With a gentle nicker that had Regina crying simply harder Rocinante curled her neck around her wounded woman and laid her head in her lap. Large soft lips played with shaking fingers in an act of some sort of comfort and Regina only obeyed when her dear mare pulled her in closer with her strong neck.
"Make it go away," she sobbed harshly in to Rocinante's neck, her soft brown fur dampening with the tracks of her tears. Her wise mare nuzzled her muzzle against her empty abdomen and lipped softly at the painfully tight muscles as Regina cried so hard no sound came from her open mouth. After a moment of keeping her muzzle against her stomach Rocinante lowered her head and wrapped Regina in the bend of her neck, laying her head over her lap as Regina turned slightly and took fistfuls of brown mane and continued to cry with unmanageable despair.
...
When the crying finally stopped and was followed by many minutes of silence James pushed himself to his feet and closed his eyes with a quiet sob at the pain that tore apart his heart. With tears in his eyes he walked across the aisle and quietly opened the door to the room that held the horse's blankets and sheets. He pulled a soft navy blue stall sheet out with light brown leather trim and paused to pick up the folded grey wool blanket that caught his eye.
He opened the stall door quietly and what he saw had his tears falling faster as he choked out a quiet miserable sob. Regina laid curled in Rocinante's encircled neck with her head laying between her hands, fingers tangled in brown mane and tears track still visible down her face and Rocinante's neck. Rocinante stayed in place, only a flick of her ear to acknowledge his presence as he walked closer.
He draped the navy blue sheet over Rocinante knowing that she didn't really need it but it was all he could do to show his thanks. He lowered himself next to Regina now with grey wool blanket in hand as he looked in to Rocinante's gentle brown eye that watched him kindly. He placed the blanket over Regina's bare feet and spread it upward over her legs until he met Rocinante's jaw, planning to leave it like that but Rocinante lifted her head just enough for his hands to slide underneath and pull the blanket higher. The gesture had him choking out another quiet sob that shook his shoulders and he pulled the blanket higher and reached over Rocinante's lifted head to pull it over Regina's shoulders.
James shook his head and covered his mouth with his hand as he looked over Regina and then back to Rocinante as she settled her head back down. Another rough cry made it quietly from his mouth as he tipped over and let his legs curl beside him in the straw and moved his arm forward to stroke the kind hearted mare who took care of his darling Regina in her times of great distress, "thank you Rocinante. I can't do this without you."