Hypnotic dreams

"I believe this is the place where I can say I told you so?" Hypnos offered as he appeared in Cuddy's dream.

Cuddy looked around and realised she must have nodded off in her office where she was trying to get through all the paperwork that the crane had created. "Told me what?" She prevaricated.

"Just that Lucas wasn't the right man for you," Hypnos shrugged. "Or words to that effect."

"I'm sure I don't remember you having said anything of the sort," Cuddy denied.

"And I'm sure you do," Hypnos countered. "I'm perfectly ok with you not remembering my previous visit when you are awake, but don't try to fool me into believing that you don't remember me in your sleep. It's like you trying to deny your feelings for House. Nobody's going to believe you."

"I…," Cuddy started defiantly but then capitulated. "I suppose there is no point in denying my feelings for House, not even to myself. I have pretty much burned my bridges now that I called things off with Lucas and told House why."

"But you got what you wanted," Hypnos pointed out. "He is willing to try a relationship."

"I'm not sure we will succeed," Cuddy made a face. "I'm not even sure you can say that this is what I wanted. I sure as heck didn't want to want this. But I need to try."

"Need is good," Hypnos stated. "After all he needs you. And it's not like Lucas quite lived up to the hype anyway."

"What do you mean," Cuddy asked suspiciously.

"Come on, you know what I mean," Hypnos admonished her. "Why were you so shocked when you believed that House was giving you an engagement gift?"

"I was just surprised that he knew," Cuddy shrugged. "Though, as it turned out, he didn't."

"Try again," Hypnos invited.

"Ok, fine," Cuddy capitulated again. "For a moment there I feared that Lucas had called him immediately to gloat. I knew there was some kind of rivalry going on between them. I had asked Lucas to let me be the one to tell House – but then, of course, the crane interfered – so when House gave me the gift I felt betrayed. For a moment. Then, naturally, it turned out that it was a house warming gift and not an engagement gift, but still. Just a momentary lapse."

"And naturally, you were also appalled at the idea that House would take it so gracefully," Hypnos assumed. "You really didn't want him to let you go."

"I wanted him to let me go," Cuddy insisted. "Then."

"Because it would have made things easier for you," Hypnos agreed. "But he has never been one to do your dirty work for you. He may lay everything in line for you; summarize the situation, but action is all yours."

"And he's darn good at summarizing," Cuddy muttered.

"Sometimes he has a very clear vision about things," Hypnos nodded. "Do you really think he was trying to get back at you for Lucas when he tried to save Hannah's foot?"

"No," Cuddy felt ashamed now for her words. "As it turns out, he was right. He saw the situation so much more clearly. I do think, now, that his own experience did affect his judgment, but not as much as I believed. He was still thinking clearly for the patient, no matter what else may have been on his mind. He did everything he could and he did everything right. I would have cut her leg off sooner and she would have died before her husband even got there. I should have trusted him all along. After all, that is why I wanted him at the accident site: he is superb at triage. He may not be that nimble on his feet, especially in the kind of rubble the site was reduced to, but he knows with almost just a glance if the patient has a chance to make it or not. He truly is a remarkable doctor."

"You weren't wrong about the things you yelled at him," Hypnos told her. "Except for the Lucas part of it, that is."

"I… it still wasn't the place or the time," Cuddy said. "And I wasn't saying those things for any kind of right reason. I was more trying to convince myself that I did not love him, that he wasn't even worthy of my love, than anything else. I wasn't trying to open his eyes; I was trying to close mine."

"Didn't succeed that well, did you," Hypnos suggested.

"No," Cuddy sniffed. "I might have succeeded in blinkering myself, but then he had to come in and talk Hannah into accepting the amputation. Even had I truly hated him before that… How could I not have fallen in love with him all over again! He wasn't putting on a show; I might as well not even have been there for all he cared, because he was there for Hannah. I kept telling myself, before this, that he is selfish and immature and incapable of committing to a relationship – sure, once he came back from Mayfield there were signs that he had changed, but I ignored them as I had already decided on Lucas – but when he spoke to Hannah he was showing his true colours. No matter what he tries to portray on the surface, he is a good man. And much more mature than I have wanted to give him credit for."

"And have you finally figured out why he doesn't want much contact with patients?" Hypnos asked.

"Strange, isn't it," Cuddy laughed. "The man who has the biggest reputation for being an uncaring jerk is probably the one who is capable of caring the most. He may even be worse than Wilson. Yeah, I think I have figured it out finally. He needs not to care so that he can do his best for the patient. It's a strange but working ethical code. He is totally committed to giving the best possible medical care for the patient and therefore he can't care for the patient. That won't make my job any easier, though. Because he will still attract law suits like a magnet."

"Well, he has rather promoted the un-caring to an art form," Hypnos pointed out. "But he could 'not-care' a little more gently."

"I'll try and suggest it to him," Cuddy smiled ruefully.

"I suppose it wasn't easy to tell Lucas to take a hike?" Hypnos suggested.

"Lucas isn't a fool," Cuddy sighed. "He knew what I was going to do almost before I had said anything. In fact, he said that one of the reasons why he had proposed was because he felt that I was slipping away from him. He couldn't put his finger on it exactly, but he felt a distance. Had felt it for some time now."

"You told him it was because of House that you broke things up with him?" Hypnos queried.

"It wasn't exactly a secret to him," Cuddy asserted. "As I said, he isn't stupid. Besides it would have been stupid of me to try and hide it when I had every intention to pursue House."

"He didn't need much pursuing," Hypnos reminded her.

"No," Cuddy admitted. "But after everything I had said to him – and done to him in order to alienate him, I couldn't be sure I hadn't succeeded. He might have wanted to punish me for my stupidity."

"House!" Hypnos nearly laughed.

"He isn't exactly the most forgiving of men!" Cuddy defended herself.

"When has he ever not forgiven you?" Hypnos asked.

"This could have been a first," Cuddy pointed out. "I haven't been this cruel for this long before."

"So it was even braver of you to go to him than I had first thought," Hypnos mused. "Good for you."

"Thanks," Cuddy muttered. "Originally I was just checking up on him after all that had happened. It seemed like a good idea, to just stop by on my way back to the hospital as he had that wound too that needed checking. But when I found him in the bathroom – he must have sat there for hours! – things just happened. I couldn't help but blurt it all out right away. Besides, he deserved to get the chance to tell me that he told me so."

"He didn't," Hypnos stated. "You did notice that, right?"

"Yeah," Cuddy confirmed. "Just like I did notice that though he had been home for hours he still hadn't taken the Vicodin. Have to say, it was an interesting hiding place. I would never have found it."

"You're going to help him stay clean?" Hypnos asked. "After all, you stopped him from taking any this time."

"No I didn't," Cuddy insisted. "And I won't. If we are going to make this work I can't be his keeper. Or his nurse or his reason to stay sober. If being with me gives him strength, then good, but he has to do it himself. Alone. Had he really wanted to take the pill, he would have taken it already, before I ever got to him. I have no doubt in my mind at all that he had already decided not to take it by the time I got there."

"You do sound pretty sure," Hypnos observed. "You think he will stay sober?"

"He will drink," Cuddy stated. "I have no doubt about that. I don't know if he will go back to Vicodin or not. If he does, then we will probably be over. I cannot have a relationship where Vicodin is the third wheel. I am a mother now, after all."

"So if he relapses, you're done?" Hypnos clarified.

"Maybe," Cuddy said. "Depends on how bad the relapse is and if he can kick it again. Soon."

"The prognosis for this relationship isn't exactly terribly favourable," Hypnos sounded somewhat amused.

Before Cuddy could answer there was a knock on her office door and she woke up. Foreman walked in: "Sorry to disturb you, but just wanted to know if House is ok."

"You don't usually worry about him," Cuddy wondered. "Why now?"

"After what happened yesterday…" Foreman didn't quite know what he wanted to say. "It was a rough day. I just wondered."

"He's ok," Cuddy told him. "You don't need to worry. Now, I still have paper work to complete so if that was all?"

"Yeah," Foreman shrugged and turned to go. "I guess."