Shepard wasn't answering his calls or messages, and she had hard-locked her cabin door where no one could enter, even with the access code. Garrus sighed as he tried to bypass the door one more time. When the access panel turned red, he knocked again, speaking loudly enough that she would be able to hear him through the door. "Shepard, if you don't want to talk, I understand. But at least let me know that you're okay."
No answer.
He had watched her slowly self-destruct during the mission, faced with watching the Reapers destroy yet another world. And he hadn't seen her since they made it back to the Normandy. He had no doubt that she was passed-out drunk, but he wanted to be there whenever the nightmares woke her up.
"EDI?" He called out, knowing the ship's AI would hear him.
"Yes, Garrus?" She responded immediately.
"I can't get up with Shepard, did she get you to hard-lock her cabin door?"
"She did." EDI responded. "I promised her I would leave it hard-locked until she stated otherwise."
Garrus looked up, ready to beg if he had to. "EDI, I need to check on Shepard. She's not in a good place right now."
A few moments passed before he saw the access panel turn green.
"Thank you, EDI." Garrus said, before walking through the door.
He smelled the blood before he saw it, but it didn't register in his mind until his eyes took in the red drops spattered across the floor. He followed the trail with his eyes and saw it lead to the bathroom. He moved quickly to the bathroom, opening the door, and found Shepard sitting on the floor of the shower.
She was naked, her head resting against the shower wall with her eyes closed, surrounded by two empty liquor bottles. And then his eyes fell on the deep red gouge in her right side, where blood was oozing from.
He nearly slipped on the wet floor, trying to get to Shepard, a wordless cry leaving his throat. The thought of her dying in here, dying alone after he hadn't sought her out sooner… he pulled her to him, hitting a button on his omni-tool, targeting Shepard with medigel and then tapped a button on his visor to scan her.
She had a heartbeat. Not as strong as it usually was when he scanned her, but not dangerously low. He breathed a sigh of relief, trying to stop his hands from shaking as he turned off the shower and reached for a nearby towel to wipe away some of the excess blood from her skin. After he got the area around the medigel-sealed wound cleaned, Garrus stood up and carefully lifted Shepard from the floor. He carried her over to the bed where he laid her down, trying to not jar the wound to make it start bleeding again.
After he covered Shepard with a blanket to make sure she didn't get cold, Garrus called Dr. Chakwas on his omni-tool and explained the situation to her. Within minutes the older woman was entering the room, a small bag in her hands. She crossed the room and stood next to Garrus, surveying Shepard. "Was she like this when you found her?"
"I found her in the shower." Garrus answered, keeping his voice low. He didn't want to wake Shepard until after Chakwas had treated her. "She was passed out, and her side was bleeding badly. She had been drinking."
Dr. Chakwas nodded, pulling the blanket away from the side Garrus had motioned to. She leaned closer to look at the wound, then glanced up at Garrus. "Did you apply the medigel?"
"When I found her." Garrus replied, nodding. His heart was nearly back to its usual pace, after the shock of finding Shepard seemingly dead in the shower had started to wear off.
"Do you know when she received this wound?"
"We were in a pretty harried fight on Thessia, against someone with a sword. It's possible he caused it and she just didn't say anything."
"It's probable, you mean." Chakwas said, her omni-tool scanning Shepard. "I suspect she was applying medigel to stop the bleeding until she became too intoxicated to continue. Knowing Shepard, she was trying to handle this on her own."
"Will she be alright?" He couldn't help asking, fists clenched at his side while he watched the doctor applying random medications to the wound.
"Oh, she'll be fine in a few days." Dr. Chakwas answered automatically. "The wound isn't dangerously deep. As long as she keeps up a constant application of medigel, she probably won't even notice it's there." She patted the bag she had brought, stepping away from Shepard as she pulled the blanket back over her. "Here's extra medigel, it should be reapplied every hour at first, especially once she's moving again. After that, every two to three hours. And there's analgesic in there for the pain, if she wants it. I gave her some, the next dose should be in six hours or whenever she wakes up."
"Thank you, doctor." Garrus said gratefully, following her to the door to lock the access panel so that no one could decide to visit Shepard and wake her up. Then he settled down on the couch to wait for a sign of movement.
Between the exhaustion, alcohol, and analgesic, Shepard didn't wake until the next morning. Garrus had moved to the bed after a few hours, and woke up when he felt her stirring beside him. He opened his eyes at the movement, and saw from the contortion of her face that she was having a nightmare. Her eyes popped open a few moments later, her breathing hard and fast as she looked around the room.
Garrus stayed away, like he knew was best, until the look on her face changed to one of recognition after she stared at him long enough. "Good morning, Shepard." He said, after giving her a minute or two to collect her bearings. She stared at him for a few moments longer before answering him.
"I locked you out." Was her response. Garrus would have felt hurt at that, if she didn't look so ridiculous saying it, her hair sticking up in every direction while wrapped in a blanket, frowning at him through squinted eyes. "EDI was supposed to hard-lock the door."
"She did." Garrus replied, stretching as he moved to sit on the foot of the bed. "And then she unlocked it for me when I asked."
Shepard frowned deeper, and started to move, but Garrus pushed her back down by pressing his hand to her shoulder. "I found you in the shower." He said, watching her expression. "Passed out and bleeding." It took a moment for Shepard to realize what he was saying, and then her hand moved to her side as she looked down. "Dr. Chakwas fixed you up."
She sat up slowly, and unwrapped the blanket, examining the wound in her side. "Did it happen during the fight with Kai Leng, Shepard?" Garrus asked, voicing part of the question that had been haunting him since the moment he found her. He couldn't bring himself to add the second half that he was thinking. Wondering if she had done it to herself.
"Yeah." Shepard answered, gingerly touching the wound and hissing slightly as a circle of blood began to pool around her fingers. Garrus moved quickly, grabbing some medigel from the bag and kneeling in front of her. He pushed her hand out of the way and applied the medigel quickly, wiping away the blood with the edge of his shirt. Then he covered the wound with the fast-acting analgesic that had been left in the bag.
He looked up at Shepard, who was staring down at him with such a miserable expression that it hurt his heart to see. He reached a hand up and rubbed the side of her face gently. "Shepard." His voice was soft, he kept his tone gentle. "Why didn't you say anything? Why didn't you treat this?" He swallowed, remembering the sight of her in the shower. The sight of what he thought was her dead body. "I thought you had died when I found you."
"I was treating it." She responded, shivering slightly as the room's air cooling unit cut on. Garrus pulled the blanket she had unwrapped closed around her again. "Between the battle and getting back to the Normandy, I used up all of my medigel. And when I got in here and started drinking, I…" She stopped for a few moments, looking everywhere but down at him. "I didn't care what happened. I just wanted to sleep and to forget."
Garrus pulled her hands out from under the blanket, grasping them with his own. "Shepard, look at me, please." She finally did, but it took a few moments. "No matter what happened yesterday, we're all still here. We're all still in this fight. I need you. The galaxy needs you."
Shepard let out a noise that he thought was between a laugh and a sob. "I've done nothing but fuck up every mission I've tried lately, Garrus. The galaxy could get along without me."
"It couldn't." He meant the words more than he could have ever explained to her, and when she looked down at him, he hoped she could see that. "I couldn't."
"You don't need me to save you, Garrus, you can hold your own in a fight."
"I didn't say that the galaxy needs you to save it. I didn't say that I need you to save me." He pulled her hands to his face, pressing his mouth to her fingers. "I need you alive, Shepard. I need you to survive this war because I need you to live, to enjoy a life with time to rest and to celebrate and just… to live." He squeezed her hands again. "With me there to make sure that you and Joker don't get too out of hand at the parties we're going to have when this is all over with." He added, hoping for a smile. He got one, though it was accompanied with shining eyes that were trying to blink back tears.
It was a long time before she spoke. His legs were cramping from crouching at an odd angle, but he wasn't moving until he absolutely had to. "I want to go to the apartment, Garrus. I need to get away from everything for a few days."
Garrus nodded, finally accepting that it was safe to stand. He stood up, gently pulling Shepard up with him. He wrapped her in a hug. If she was asking him to stay with her during her grief, instead of pushing him away like she had the other times, he would have went to the ends of the galaxy to fulfil her request.
That night they arrived at the apartment, Joker having set a course straight for the Citadel when Garrus explained the circumstances and asked him to. Shepard and Garrus left the Normandy alone, Shepard was still quiet and Garrus didn't feel it was the time to push her back into the swing of things just yet.
When they made it to the apartment, the vid comm system was flashing, and the screens indicated it was Anderson. Shepard stared at the screen by the door for a few moments before turning to Garrus. "I've been avoiding his calls since yesterday. I'll go take this in the den."
Garrus nodded, and carried their bags up to the bedroom while Shepard went to talk to Anderson. He waited for several minutes before descending the stairs again, but they were still talking as he went into the kitchen and grabbed a beer. He didn't try to listen to the conversation, but Shepard had left the door to the den open and he could hear both of them speaking.
"Shepard, you know how many times I got my ass handed to me over the years?" Anderson's voice echoed through the room, sounding like a father reproving his child. "Surviving the First Contact War back in the day was a goddamned miracle. They said I was a hero. I just felt lucky to get out alive."
There was a pause. When Shepard didn't answer, Anderson continued. "So maybe Kai Leng did beat you. What of it?"
"It could cost us the war." Garrus heard Shepard reply tersely.
"These guys in the resistance, they know it's a losing proposition. They know the chances of seeing tomorrow are slim to none. But we all signed up anyway."
Another pause.
"Shake this off, Shepard."
"I will." She replied, her voice barely audible. Garrus could hear the tremor in her words.
"Anderson out."
Later that night, after Garrus had fallen asleep only after Shepard had went to sleep first, he awoke to find the bed empty. Checking the time on his omni-tool to confirm that it was still the middle of the night, he called out for her, wondering if she was just in the bathroom. When no answer came, he got out of bed and went to find her.
He found her in the spare bedroom, headphones in her ears as she punched and kicked the punching bag that Anderson had left in the room. Garrus leaned in the doorway, watching her, and couldn't help but appreciate her movements. But he had an inkling suspicion about why she was training her hand-to-hand abilities that he had only seen her depend on a handful of times, and he didn't want to go back to bed without talking it out.
"Shepard." He said loudly, and she turned quickly at his voice.
She pulled the headphones from her ears, wiping the sweat that was trailing from her brow with a towel tucked into her waistband. "Garrus, what's wrong?"
"I woke up and you weren't there, got worried you had left to go find a more interesting turian to spend time with." He answered lightly, moving further into the room to sit on the foot of the bed. Shepard managed a forced chuckle at that, wiping her neck with the towel. "Why are you up in the middle of the night, practicing your hand-to-hand?" He asked, seeing no reason to mince words.
"Usual story. Tried to sleep, had a nightmare, knew the rest of the night was shot." Shepard replied, sitting on the edge of the bed next to him. "When I was being held prisoner at Vancouver, I couldn't sleep for more than an hour or two at a time. And then James worked it so that I could go and run around the training course every night. I would exhaust myself until I was too damn tired to dream or worry about anything, and then I could sleep. I thought maybe it would work again."
"And it's not?"
"No, now I'm just thinking about how I should have been training like this every day." She rubbed her right knuckles. They were red, probably from punching the bag. "I might have been able to take out Kai Leng if I had. Hell, I might have been able to stop him back on the Citadel before he-"
"Shepard, stop." Garrus said gently, his hand closing over hers. "No what-ifs. What happened to Thane wasn't your fault. What happened at Thessia wasn't your fault. Being able to throw your punches a little faster wouldn't have changed either of those outcomes."
Shepard sat quietly, staring down at their hands for a few moments. "I'd like to hold that memorial service soon. The one for Thane, that Kolyat asked about having."
"That sounds like a good idea." Garrus responded, squeezing her hands. "We'll work on the preparations tomorrow, and let everyone know." Shepard looked up at him and nodded, before her expression changed to one of chagrin and she looked down quickly, her hand moving to her side. "Shepard?"
"I think I'm bleeding again." She said, sounding more annoyed than worried. "I must have torn the regrown skin when I started on kicks."
Garrus let out a frustrated sigh, standing and pulling Shepard to her feet. "How about you try to not bleed out while I'm sleeping, Shepard? Upstairs, I brought the extra medigel."
"We are gathered here to honor the life of Thane Krios." Shepard said, standing next to the piano in her apartment, staring at the myriad of photos she had placed on it. There were photos that Kolyat had provided, of Thane and Irikah, others of Thane with various members of the Normandy crew during their time on the SR2, and even one of herself, Thane, and Garrus during one of the too-few visits they had made to the hospital. Her eyes burned as she looked over them, and she blinked quickly. "Thane touched each of our lives in different ways."
She swallowed before continuing. "The councilor knew him as a hero. The Normandy's crew knew him as a brother-in-arms. And others as a father devoted to his son. Though his life took him to very dark places, Thane cared for the better angels of our nature." She clenched her fist, looking from the people standing in front of her, back to the photos of Thane. "Even when he was terminally ill, he ran through war-torn streets to reach me… because he knew I needed help."
"You all know the results of that day. An assassin, a professional criminal, and one of my dearest friends, gave his life for his galaxy." She turned and looked at the single photo of Thane by himself, staring forward, as if he was staring at her. She swallowed again, speaking directly to the photo. "Goodbye, Thane. You… you meant so much to me. You didn't deserve the death that was forced upon you so suddenly. I wish you could have had years with Kolyat, with us all. The Normandy will never feel the same without you aboard it."
"But now you can rest, across the sea, with Irikah." She stopped, trying to collect herself. "And know that we'll see you again someday, and we're going to have one hell of a reunion party."
Shepard looked up, and her eyes connected with Garrus'. After a few moments, he took a breath and began to speak of his memories and friendship with Thane. She closed her eyes, listening to his words, and then to the rest of the crew as they each, one-by-one, told of their memories of Thane.
Later that night, Garrus left the apartment to pick up dinner for them both. He could have called it in, but he needed the fresh air. The apartment was finally empty, except for Shepard, who had said she was going take a bath while he fetched food.
He felt drained. The memorial service had been difficult, especially watching Shepard try to get out the words she wanted to say about Thane when she was already in such a low place after Thessia. Garrus looked at his omni-tool, noting the time. He wanted to get back to her as quickly as possible. Leaving Shepard alone wasn't something he was comfortable with doing for long periods of time right now.
"As I was saying, we saw a beautiful sunset in New Mexico and a scorpion eating a cricket. I wish you could have joined us."
Garrus heard Thane's voice as he stepped through the apartment door, and his heart sank. He had hoped that Shepard would wait and watch the vids after a few days, when the grief had subsided again. Not the very night of the memorial service.
"The bad news is, I had… I fainted and struck my head. Kolyat has convinced me to stay at Huerta Memorial on the Citadel. I will be there from now on."
He set the bags of food down and carefully made his way up the steps, not wanting to disturb Shepard. Thane's voice echoed through the rooms. "I still don't want to die in a hospital, but it's where the doctors are. And Kolyat… I love him. That means I must trust him."
Reaching the bedroom, he stood outside of the door. Shepard was sitting on the floor at the end of the bed, still in the black dress she had worn for the memorial service. Her face was streaked with tears and makeup, leaving black lines trailing from her eyes as she watched the screen, transfixed. She hadn't even noticed him approaching.
"I think of you every day, siha. I miss you and hope you are well. Your friendship helped me through dark times, and I wish I was able to do the same for you. And in case I am unable to say it later, goodbye, Shepard. May your journey across the sea be much later after I make mine."
The vid ended when Thane shut the camera off, and the next began to play automatically. Apparently Shepard had turned them on a loop. Garrus used his omni-tool to turn off the screen, and only then did Shepard realize he was there. She turned her head to look at him, tears still streaming from her eyes. Garrus wordlessly crossed the room and sat on the foot of the bed, pulling her up and into his arms.