SM owns not me….SIGH

Keepingupwiththekids rocks, nuff said.

Chapter 35

Whatever It Takes

BPOV

I wanted to forget what Edward did to me, move on with him. I just wasn't sure how the hell to do that. After school I made my way to the one person I knew could help me find out how to move on, Esme.

I knocked gently on her door and waited nervously for her to come to the door.

"Bella, dear! To what do I owe this pleasure?!" Esme asked me moving aside to let me inside her home.

"I needed to talk to you…if it's a good time?" I hedged.

"Of course, I am always here for you. You are like a daughter to me," I smiled at her as she led me to the kitchen table and placing a cup of hot tea in front of me. I swallowed back my gag reflex and tried to smile at her saying thanks.

"It will help, I promise," she told me. Since taking the ginger and sucking on the lollipops, I have been a bit more tolerant of food in general. "Did you get to call the doctor?" Esme asked me.

"I did, she said if the ginger and preggie pops don't help that she could prescribe me something, but she wanted to wait until I tried more natural remedies first," I explained to her.

"What did you want to talk about?" Esme asked me.

"Forgiveness…I can't forget the anger I have towards Edward," I told her. She reached out and rubbed my hand.

"Real forgiveness is not forgetting what happened. Bella, some of us have a hard time with that, I know you've heard the cliché….forgive and forget. There's only one problem with it. You can't do it. It's impossible for you to forget everything that's happened. The more painful something is, the less likely it is that you're going to forget it."

I listened to her intently. Hoping that she would tell me how to forget, there must be some trick, or secret.

"You don't really forget anything. Some Christians believe that's the ultimate of Christian maturity…forgetting. When they get to the point that they are so grown in Christ that they forget the painful things their life. They think there is going to be a point when they are so mature that they forget the things they feel guilty over, or the things that other people have done to wrong them. The truth is, they may never forget."

"Then how do I move on? How do I learn to live with it?" I asked her. I thought I had forgiven him; that I just couldn't forget.

"There's something better than forgetting, Bella. That's remembering, but seeing how God worked in it anyway. Remembering, and seeing how God brought good out of bad, how you grew in character, how it made you sensitive to the hurts and needs of other people, how it changed the direction at a crucial point in your life, how things you have today would have not happened if it hadn't been for yesterday."

"I still feel the pain," I told her. "I don't want to be angry at him. I hear his apologies, I know he is sorry, but I still feel hurt and angry. I lie to myself about how angry and hurt I actually am….I just want to move forward, and I am stuck with all this anger and pain."

"You want to know HOW can you tell when you've genuinely forgiven Edward? You can pray for God to bless him. When you come to the point when you can actually pray, 'bless Edward Lord, even though he hurt me,' you'll know forgiveness is complete in your heart. When you can look at his hurt and not just your own. When you have genuinely forgiven Edward, you can look past the ways that he hurt you and see how he is hurting, and how that hurt is part of the reason you got hurt. Love keeps no record of wrongs."

"It still hurts." I told her.

"You've got to keep forgiving him. Every time you hurt, you have to go back over in your mind and say, 'I forgive him again,' I know it's hard, but you need to do it. The alternative to forgiveness is bitterness. You always hurt yourself more with bitterness. Resentment will not change the past. Resentment will not solve the problem. It is incapable of solving any problems. Resentment doesn't even make you feel better. In fact, it makes you feel worse," Esme paused. "I want to chose my next words very carefully to you…I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable…I feel it's important to say though Bella."

I nodded at her.

"You can't manufacture enough love in your life to handle all the ways you're going to be hurt. You are going to be hurt in life and you don't have enough love to overpower that on your own. You need Jesus Christ. You need His love in your life or you're going to die a bitter person. You need Him to fill you with love, not every year, but every moment of the day. The reason why people have a hard time forgiving is that they don't feel forgiven. You need Jesus to replace the hurt with peace."

"I understand what you are saying….I just….it doesn't feel right to me," I told her honestly.

"What doesn't feel right?" She asked me.

"Praying…it feels like I am talking to myself," I told her. "I feel silly, and helpless. I want to be able to fix myself."

"No one can fix themselves Bella, everyone needs help, it doesn't make you weak, you're here now asking for help.….start with thinking about Edwards pain, and move on from there."

"I will try Esme. Thank you so much for talking to me about it."

"Remember Bella, love holds no record." I nodded at her and she walked me to the door embracing me in a tight hug.

I drove down the flat Indiana road letting my eyes drift into the cornfields while letting Esme's words replay in my mind. I needed Jesus? Maybe I did. What would it hurt if I prayed? I could just pray and ask…If it doesn't work what will I lose?

Fuck…..

Could I say fuck before I prayed? Was God really offended by the word fuck? I mean fuck is one magical word just by saying it can describe pleasure, pain, hate, and love. I can use it in a sentence as a verb, adverb, noun, or adjective. Fuck it, I was not giving up my word just because I decided to seriously pray for help.

Here goes nothing….

I need some help…Jesus….like a lot of help….I know I haven't made the best choices or whatever….I know I should respect my mom more and not mock her, and try to abide by your rules, and you know I fucked up a lot, but you still sent me Edward. I am not completely blind, I see that as a blessing. I guess he is your tool or whatever in helping me see the light…I don't know, all I know is I need him to be happy. I can't be happy with him if I am still mad at him, and resent him. I'm asking you to help me cause you sent me this amazing man and then I lost him, and I need him back. I need the peace you have to replace my hurt…… Amen….

I let out an exhausted sigh as I entered Winchester, turning at the Wal-Mart and passing Randolph County Hospital and The Chicken Shack. I turned at Walker Funeral home and drove the two blocks back to my house. I noticed Edwards Volvo several feet in front of me. He came right to my door and helped me out.

"Edward, I am not helpless…I can manage getting out of my truck," I told him.

"Where did you go? Did you call the doctor?" Edward asked me as he shut my truck door.

"I had a little chat with your mom, and yes I called the doctor, she said to try the natural remedies first and if I still can't keep anything down she will prescribe something for me," I told him. He took my school bag and walked with me to my door, always being a gentleman and holding the door open for me.

"Is it safe for the baby if you have to take a medication?" He asked concerned.

"The medication is safer for the baby then my dehydration. She said it's more important to keep liquids down then food, the prenatal vitamins should keep me covered. Did you know the vitamins are for me and not for the baby? She told me the baby will take whatever it needs from me, so if it needs calcium it's gonna take it from my bones and shit," I told him.

"Well I want you healthy, so take the vitamins. What did you talk to my mom about?" He asked me helping me out of my coat. Did this man think I could do nothing for myself? Don't get me wrong it was sweet and all, I just liked my independence.

"Forgiveness," I said making my way to the kitchen to grab a glass of ginger ale." Why is it that it's so much easier to forgive a stranger than someone you love?"

I took a sip as Edward began to speak.

"I read your letters….It kills me that I hurt you that way….I don't want us to forget, I want us to use this to make us stronger. I know there are millions of reasons for you not to be with me again, but if you can find one reason to stay, I'll do whatever it takes."

"I'm trying Edward. I was talking to your mom and I guess I have a lot to learn about forgiveness. She told me I needed Jesus….it was a bit odd. She said people have a hard time forgiving others because they don't know forgiveness. I don't know….I did pray for the peace she said He could give me, to replace the hurt."

Edward approached me and placed his hands on either side of my face, he looked down at me and spoke with love in his eyes.

"If we are going to make this work, you have to let me inside even though it hurts. I will turn this around; I know what is at stake. I know I have let you down. Please just give us a chance. I will keep us together. I'm lost without you, let's start over. I need you Bella."

"Let's just…take this slow," I said to him.

"I can do slow," he said leaning into me, and I felt his breathe on my face. "I just want to try one thing," he whispered to me before his lips gently meet mine. He opened his mouth against mine and swept his tongue over my lips. I gave in opening my mouth slightly allowing him access. He sucked in my top lip and then I felt his smooth tongue graze against mine. I wrapped my arms around his waist and pulled him closer to me, in an attempt to hug him. I opened my mouth wider and pressed my body against his. Did I just tell him I wanted to take things slow? What was I thinking?! I need to be closer to him. NOW!

He pulled away and smiled down at me. I smiled back, biting my lip.

"Slow right?" He asked me

"Fuck slow," I said pulling him back down to my mouth. He laughed into my mouth and kissed me with his mouth closed. He kissed my nose, cheeks, jaw line, and forehead.

"Slow Angel." I nodded at him.

"Can I get my box back?" I asked him with a laugh into his chest. I felt naked without my bracelets.

"Let's go get it," he suggested taking my hand in his as he lead me to his car.

We began the drive out of Winchester and back down twenty-seven towards Fountain City.

"Can I ask you something?" Edward said only taking his eyes off the road for a moment to look at me.

"Sure," I said

"I know it's probably rough being pregnant in high school, but can you tell me how you feel about it….the baby? Cause I am excited, and Emmett is the only one who congratulated us…and that felt good. I know the circumstances aren't the best, they could be a lot better…"

"It's a baby!" I interrupted him, "it's a huge responsibility, it's a huge undertaking….It's scary….and it's wonderful at the same time. At first, I felt like I shouldn't show the happiness I felt about it, but how could you not be happy when you created someone with the person you love? It was like I knew I would always have a piece of you. No one has congratulated me….like it's horrible, they feel sorry for me. I don't get it….it is a good thing, It's a baby," I told him as he drove. He reached over and took my hand. I felt him squeeze it and he looked at me with a crooked smile.

"Congratulations Angel."

I smiled back at him and it hurt a little less. Maybe God was listening.

Give me those reviews!!! Did Edward redeem himself?? I may go in Review withdrawal when this ends…