Tsunade's POV
Dream Realm
I turned him down, yet again, we were just ten.
I got drunk and he knocked me up, I never told him then. I lost my daughter and I never knew it. My son lived and I had to watch him grow from a distance.
I fell in love with Dan. But perhaps I never loved him at all. Maybe I just used him to fill the void of the one I really loved but couldn't have, wouldn't let myself have. Did I cry when he died so I could cry for the two men that I really wanted in my life, but could never truly have?
How could I leave three innocent children to die and let Jiraiya look after them on his own? Perhaps not to remind me of the son I couldn't have.
He died because I gave him the necklace, not knowing it was cursed.
I couldn't tell him how proud I was when he graduated, I couldn't tell him how proud I was when he became a Chunin, a Jonin, when he got his Squad of Genin. The only time I got to tell him I was proud of him was when he became Hokage. I cried like everyone else did when he died but for another reason.
I gazed upon my newborn grandson, not sure how I felt about him. Hate, for unknowingly taking his father's life or love, to hold him and claim him. I chose neither, I ran. But he found me, both of them did. My grandson and former lover. Why would I want the job my son died for? He died because of the title Hokage? Why did I bet that my grandson couldn't perform the technique his own father, my son, created and with the stakes that we bet?
How many times I could have told them both. How many times I could have told them I loved them. How many times he called me 'Grandma Tsunade' and was unknowingly right to do so.
I blew my last chance to tell him I loved him. I blew my last chance to tell him I bore his child, his son. But somehow he knew, but never said a word.
I stood before Jiraiya's grave, my legs just gave out, I couldn't stand through the pain anymore as I had been doing for so long.
How could he leave me alone? How could he just die on me? How could I break his heart over and over again? How could I not tell him? I'd give anything to do it over again.
I somehow got what I wanted. I got to do it over again. It was better but at the same time worse.
I turned him down time after time yet again.
I still let him knock me up. I told him, we married. I nearly lost my daughter again but she lived both of them lived. She had my will, my strength but she was still stronger. I got to raise them, hold them, kiss them.
I got to make love to him more times than I could count without guilt. I could have him hold me, let him wrap his arms around me.
Why did I give him that necklace? Why?
I realized I never loved Dan. I used him to fill the void. He still died under my hands but I never felt the immense sorrow that I did before. I felt sad I couldn't save a life but not that I lost him personally.
We brought them with us. Raised them beside the Twins, loved them like they were our blood. I could them all how proud I was. When they graduated, when they were made Chunin, Jonin, when some of them got Squads. I still got to tell him I was proud when he became Hokage but it felt so much better this time.
Two sons died, one daughter died, one son left and one daughter remained. One son died in battle, one son and daughter died in Sealing.
A grandson and two granddaughters, they call me 'Grandma Tsunade' I never dreamed this would happen. But one was taken away. She left, but was taken. She was hurt, who knows what's happening to her now...
"You dwell on the past too much Mother."
"Minako..." I turned and faced my daughter. She looked exactly how she did when she died, shoulder blade length white hair, a pale blue knee length nightgown, her light brown eyes sparkled. I held her in my arms, I couldn't help but cry and neither could she. "Why did you have to do it?"
She pulled away. "Mother I had no choice and even if I did I would have done it anyway." She suddenly became serious. Sometimes I hated this side of her. "Nozomi is fine. She's stronger than either of us. Most people in the Sound respect and like her more than Orochimaru." She smiled gently. "She'll be fine. But what is the matter with you Mother? Living life a second time not as good as you thought it would be? Not as easy?" She raised her eyebrow.
"I never expected it to be easy." I confessed. "But I didn't expect things to be worse than before."
"How are things worse Mother? You've lost a little more but you've gained so much." Minako placed her hands on my shoulders. "Snap out of this. History repeats itself to a point but these things will change. Nozomi may not need you anymore but the rest of the Leaf still does." She turned and left with that. A golden light claimed her retreating figure.
I stood there still comparing my two lives. I guess this one is better... And it's worth living for.
I will not be updating for a while. I am working on a project that shall benifit all of my readers so please be patient!
with authorly love,
freewolf17