A/N: The funeral was actually a real blessing and really inspiring. I saw a lot of people, who I love and so that made me smile...a lot. I'm back to myself, feeling a little tired but reinvigorated at the same time. :)

I'm super addicted to this song at the moment!

Enjoy :)~

-A

Mirror (Justin Timberlake)

Quinn's POV

I don't know how to explain how different things become once you get married.

But some things definitely change.

We had lived together for a few years before getting married and before that we spent plenty of time together and so I pretty much thought that things would be the same...but they weren't.

They were better.

It was like we worked harder to make the other person happy and we started thinking more like a team.

I tried being more flexible in my views, while San worked harder at becoming more stable in her decision making.

I worked harder at being as open to her as possible and she was honest when she needed space.

Her touches were softer, her kisses were sweeter and the fiery look in her eyes was now a steady-going fire instead of an inferno.

Our marriage was working so far and I had high hopes that things would continue that way.

If we fought, she worked like hell to make things up to me.

She was at her best in our marriage...at least...that's what I believed.

We had been married for five months and were still going at it like newlyweds all summer long.

The next year, for us, was going to be insanely trying and so we did everything that we could to cement our bond.

Which meant...tons of sex and hours long cuddle sessions.

She was about to start a demanding new job and so we were trying to take advantage of our free time together.

I told her about all the times that we spent apart in high school and she did things like take me to the gun range, teach me to dance Salsa and Merengue and we went to couple's therapy occasionally.

We learned a lot about each other and I hoped to keep it that way.

Things were good for us and I wanted them to stay that way but I knew better.

Life never stays the same.

At least not at our age.

People grow up and apart at rapid speeds...

They develop needs that are beyond understanding or hide things that could be hurtful.

We all have our crosses to bear.

But we kept holding on.

We did everything that we could...forsaking all others...to grow together.

When I look back on things...I can say that I should have seen the changes coming...but I was naïve.

San had always been confident in who she was.

Or at least I thought that she was confident.

But we can be different people to everyone.

Even ourselves.

Our school year was starting up again, my second year of law school and San's last year of grad school, which she was taking online for the most part.

She would now be interning at a music label in L.A. and was forced to move there,

So we were only really going to be seeing each other when she would fly up on Sunday nights and until Wednesday afternoons, all at the label's expense.

They valued her and didn't want her to neglect her studies and since she had classes on campus on Mondays and Wednesdays, they made sure that her work schedule worked with it.

Britt had finished rehab around the time that summer was ending and with Derek's help, she was renting out the apartment underneath ours.

The rehab had set her up with a job close by, she had a sponsor and a therapist that she saw each day, along with AA meetings.

San says that it made her feel better that I would have someone close by for those times that she wouldn't be around.

It was her hope that with Britt there, I wouldn't be lonely.

But I resented that idea.

Admittedly, at first, I was annoyed but after she was gone that first few weeks...I realized how right she was about loneliness.

At first, I was happy that I would still get to see her during the week but I don't think that I realized just how time-consuming her all-day classes were until they started eating up the little bit of time that I had with her.

She had study groups, on-call work-study duties and she had joined a sorority.

It was like I was an after thought...but I wanted to be a good wife.

Besides, I was in law school and had plenty of my own work to fill the times that she was away.

Ironically, I was the loneliest when she was at Stanford...just a few miles away, more than when she was hundreds of miles away in L.A.

That was when I should have seen the beginning of the changes.

But I didn't.

My heart though...started to ache.

While I had Brittany to keep me company in San Francisco...in my mind, San had too much company in L.A. and that made me nervous.

There were times that she didn't answer my calls.

Or when she would come home on Monday mornings go straight to classes and wouldn't show up at home until after her full day was over.

It was like the more time she spent away from me...the less connected I felt to her.

But I trusted her and she trusted me.

For all that we knew...it was just for a year.

No biggie, right?

We knew that it would be difficult but our love was strong enough to make it last.

I was sure of it.

At first, I didn't even notice the changes in her.

And if I did...I overlooked them because they were so minor,

But as time went on the changes became more apparent.

Each time that I saw her...there was something new about her.

The first time, it was that she put blonde highlights in her hair.

The second and third time, a tattoo and then a piercing.

In first three months she got five tattoos.

All tasteful and discreet...thankfully.

Then there were the added muscles because she was in a spin class and had started hiking.

She was healthy and insanely hot...in and out of her clothes.

Which I definitely didn't mind.

I was convinced that most of her changes were just a side effect of living as a young music executive protegé in West Hollywood.

None of that was an issue...

There were other things though that had me on edge.

Things that just were red flags for me or at least they should have been.

Things that I couldn't understand, like how each time that I saw her, she was becoming quieter and more reserved.

Her voice became higher...less raspy.

She ducked her head a lot and acted shy.

Over all she was still my Santana, in the bedroom at least.

It was how she was to outsiders that got my attention.

She didn't hold her head up and clung to my hand tightly at every opportunity.

But I tried to just brush it off.

I told myself that she was just growing up...but I knew in my heart that it was more than that.

A big part of me felt like I was losing her.

But then she would come home and fuck me senseless.

She would be romantic and take me out.

No matter what was going on in her life in Los Angeles, when it was just the two of us...she was still the woman who I married.

And in that moment, it was enough for me.

Even if, it shouldn't have been.

It had been four weeks since I had last seen her.

She hadn't shown up for Thanksgiving because she was being flown to Vegas with her boss and a client.

But I didn't freak out because Derek and Nicky came to the city and along with Brittany, they kept me completely distracted.

I tried not to let it get to me...

I was a good sport.

San didn't know that I was upset.

Nobody did.

I just swallowed the hurt and looked forward to Christmas.

Our first Christmas.

It would wipe the bitterness away.

And I would make it extra special.

At least that was my plan.

Christmas was quickly approaching and she promised me that the whole week between Christmas and New Years' was going to be all about us.

And so I did everything that I could to be ready for her.

Presents.

A tree.

Brittany had even convinced Derek to fly her to New York for the week just to give us our space.

Everything was set up.

And then two days before Christmas, she called me.

She wasn't coming.

Something had come up.

I offered to drive down to her, I was on winter break until the second week of January and so this would be perfect.

She didn't tell me not to but she didn't sound too thrilled about it either.

And so I got pissed.

"What aren't you saying, Santana?" I snapped at her after a whole ten minutes of her changing the subject.

"I don't know what you mean."

"I just asked you if you wanted me to drive down...just to be with you. I won't even be in the way...and you don't sound excited. We haven't seen each other in almost a month. I miss you, San."

I felt like an idiot but putting myself out there seemed to always work for my marriage and so I wasn't going to discount that because of foolish pride.

She let out a sigh and then cleared her throat.

I was preparing myself to be let down but then she surprised me.

"You know what, Q..." I could hear that she was doing dishes and it made me smile to know that she was just being domestic. "Come down. I think that would fun...yeah? Like old times. I can't wait to see you, Q."

"Yea? Promise me that it's okay."

"I promise."

"Great...I guess I should pack up then...maybe I can get on the road in an hour or so." I said with all the excitement of a sex starved wife.

"Uh...maybe the morning would be better. It's late and that's a six-hour drive."

She sounded frantic but I told myself that she was just worried.

The sound of her washing dishes had stopped.

And that's when the amount of change became overwhelming.

That's when I knew that something was definitely wrong with her.

And I was determined to find out what it was.

This was just something that I couldn't handle.

I'm sure she didn't even realize that she had given herself away.

Or that I even noticed something so small.

But I did.

Aside from her breathing...it was completely silent.

Ever since we moved in together, I knew for a fact that San ALWAYS has music going in the background...even when she's watching tv but especially when she's cleaning.

And there was none.

Knowing that even that change had occured...made me freak a bit...but I couldn't show that.

I didn't want to do anything to scare her away.

Crazy, right?

"Okay, San."

"Yea? Okay...so call me when you get on the road tomorrow."

"I will."

"Okay...see you tomorrow then?"

"I'll see you tomorrow, baby. I love you."

"I love you too."

Santana's POV

I was freaking out as I put the phone down on the counter top.

My hands were sweaty and shaking as I bent forward and rested my head on my hands.

"Hey? You okay, Ana?"

From the moment that hand touched my back, I broke.

My whole body shook as I cried against my hands.

I shook my head and just tried to hold it together but I didn't think that was possible.

"You need to leave." I whispered softly without moving a muscle.

"Why?"

"Quinn will be here tomorrow."

"So what, I haven't seen her in ages...it would be good to see her."

I knew that this would happen eventually.

It was just a matter of time.

"It wasn't a suggestion...you need to leave. Please don't make me beg."

"Ok, fine. When do you want me to come back?"

The soothing circles on my back made me feel calmer even if my stomach was still churning.

"Not until she goes back to San Francisco. I can't explain this to her right now. She won't understand."

"I thought you said that you already talked to her?"

"About this? Fuck, no! I couldn't go through with it."

"Turn around, Ana...let me look at you."

I turned around, resting my ass against the counter and nervously, I rubbed my sweaty palms on my jean skirt.

My head was suddenly hurting from the amount of tears struggling to come down.

But I wouldn't let the tears come.

Not yet.

I looked into those eyes and tried to smile but I couldn't.

How did I think that I could live like this...torn between who I was and who I was becoming?

"Tell me what to do." I whispered.

"What do you want to do?"

"I love her...she's my wife. I'm committed to her...but she won't see this the way that I do. She will think that I'm cheating on her but that's not what this is. I love her. I'm committed to my marriage." I said as the tears began to drip down my cheeks. "I swear...I can't fucking do this to her. Not right now." I was openly weeping.

She nodded and rubbed small circles on my hips as she held onto me.

Keeping me grounded as I continued to lose myself.

"I know, Ana. I already told you...if you didn't love her...we wouldn't be here, doing this."

I dropped my head and looked down at my hands.

They still trembled as the body in front of me trapped me against the counter.

I looked up again and saw a small smile.

"Should I tell her? Am I making the right decision?"

"I told you to tell her already...you told me it would happen on Thanksgiving and then you volunteered to go to Vegas...and now here we are. So this is all on you."

"I know...and for the last four weeks...I would get on that plane and set out to tell her and then just end up staying on campus...hiding from her. From my wife!"

My heart raced.

I hadn't meant to say that.

Fingers tipped my chin up and I could see that I had said the wrong thing.

"You lied."

"I know."

"You know what, Ana. Providence has shined on us. I'm ending this...right here...right now. I had one rule and you broke it four times over."

"What?!" I could feel the spark of anger burn through me. "You can't fucking do that to me...that's not fair!"

"Watch yourself."

"Fuck you...I don't need to watch myself. This is MY fucking house. You watch yourself."

"Ana."

There was a warning in her tone but I didn't hear it.

I was too busy flying off the handle.

Years of practice and patience, training to control myself and in that one moment it was all useless.

I threw my body forwards and collided with her.

She stumbled back and I used the opportunity to flee up the stairs.

But running was pointless...I wasn't being chased.

I made it to the top of the stairs before stopping, when I heard the clicking of heels.

Then the rustling of a bag.

I slumped down onto the top step.

She was leaving.

And probably never coming back.

I should be happy.

I should be relieved...but I wasn't.

But I was scared.

And then I heard the front door slam.

The lock clicked in place.

A few moments later...the revving of an engine and then the squealing of tires.

I was officially alone now.

She wasn't coming back.

I spent the rest of the night cleaning the house from top to bottom while weeping.

By the time that I finally crawled into my bed, the sun had been up for a little while.

I had missed my spin class and was late for work but I didn't care.

There was no way that I could function with everything that was going on.

So I called my boss, explained that Quinn was coming down for the break and how I would make this day up to him.

It was Christmas Eve and he told me that he was in a good mood...and he gave me the week off.

And even though usually that meant that I would have to do something incredibly demeaning...I took the boon and hung up as soon as I could...

Before he could change his mind.

My eyes had just closed when the phone rang again.

I knew that I was half asleep but I answered anyway.

"Yea?"

"Tell me that you want this to end."

I was alert almost immediately.

She wasn't coming back...but here she was...calling me.

"Huh?"

"Say that you want this to be over, Santana."

"Um...I don't...uh...please? Tell me what to do?"

"Did you hurt yourself last night?"

I smiled.

She was worried about me.

"I'm sore from cleaning all night...but I didn't do anything else."

"Progress."

"Thanks to you." I said as I glanced up at the mirror across from the bed.

My hair was fluffy and frizzy...looking more like a lion's mane than the sleek look that I was now accustomed to.

But my eyes were what had me staring.

They were big and vulnerable...and very bloodshot.

They had dark rings under them and sunk in a bit.

I looked sick.

And used up.

I needed to fix myself for Quinn...I didn't want to give myself away.

She needed to stay happy and trusting.

I wanted her to still see me as the woman that she married.

Because that's who I was...or at least, that's who I wanted to be.

"Have you talked to her?"

"Not yet...she likes to sleep in...she should be calling soon. I'm not sure about what to do...please tell me what to do?"

"Tell me that you are ready to end this."

"What if that isn't what I want?"

"Tell me this, Ana...what if Quinn gets to L.A. and decides that she wants to stay or that she wants to transfer schools. How would you be able to continue doing this?"

"I did it before. It's what got me through UCLA...you got me through those years...I was able to be who she needed me to be. I was able to love her with my whole heart...I could do it again."

"Except this time around you are married...so maybe you could just be honest with her about what it is that you need."

"I can't do that."

"It's time to come clean, Ana."

"I know...Fuck...I know, alright. It's been time for a while now. I need to be upfront with her...but not until after Christmas...but definitely before the new year."

"I think that's a good plan."

"Good...and you will let me come see you, if things fall apart again?"

"I hope that you won't have to come see me but you know that my door is always open to you."

And there was the relief that I needed the night before.

She would still be a safety net.

Almost like an insurance policy that you pay into and you pray to never use.

"Yea?"

"Yes...and Quinn too."

I could practically see her smiling.

She was letting me know that it wouldn't be the same if I came back to her.

That if I did come back...Quinn should be with me.

She was going to be there...but not how it had been.

And I could accept that.

I just knew that with her in my corner...I could handle myself the way that I needed to.

And be a good wife the way that I wanted to be.

I looked at my face in the mirror and could see the calm taking over.

Thank God.

"You're ready to do this, Ana. Just remember what I've taught you. You can handle this. Be happy. Enjoy your holiday with your wife...I left your present under the tree...for the both of you. Merry Christmas, Ana."

"Thank you. Merry Christmas."

At almost the exact moment that I ended the call, my phone started to ring again.

Q's smiling face came up on the screen and I smiled as I swiped my finger across the screen.

"Here goes nothing." I muttered to myself.

"Hey baby." I said, as I resolved myself to the fact that I wouldn't be sleeping anymore today, sliding onto my feet, I made my way to the bathroom.

"Hi! Thank God you answered...so um...are you home?"

I smiled to myself as I heard the old Motown music in the background.

Every time that I talked to Quinn over the last few months, there had been this part of me that was disconnected because I felt like I was deceiving her but right now I was fully engaged and it felt good.

She felt like home again and up until this moment, I hadn't realized how much I had missed her.

"Yea...I called out of work, so that I could spend time with you."

"That's great...so um...last night when we hung up, I didn't listen to you. I packed the car and I started driving."

My eyebrows shot up.

I should have known better.

Quinn never goes down that easily.

Stupid me!

"Tell me that you didn't take the whole drive? Where are you?"

"I'm in Fresno. I drove until I got tired and stopped for the night."

"Oh thank goodness."

"Yea...so I realized that since I have never been to your place...I put in the address of the old beach house. I don't actually know where you live."

Thank God for small miracles.

That had been intentional on my part but now was the time to stop hiding.

Little by little.

After making sure that Quinn knew where to go, I set about getting myself ready for her arrival.

I showered, did my hair, cleaned up the house once more and then I made sure that there was no evidence that was left behind from last night.

Nothing lying around that would give me away before I was ready to talk to my wife about how I was spending my time.

And when I couldn't find anything but the present that had been left under the tree for us...I was able to relax.

I had a little over two hours before Q showed up and so I decided to crawl back in bed for an hour instead of running or going to therapy.

When I'm tired...I forget to talk...I forget how to be strategic and right now...I couldn't afford any slip ups.

This was our first Christmas as a married couple and I wouldn't let anything ruin that.

Especially not me.

A/N: Oh Gawd **Big Sean voice** I don't know chicas...ending in one more chapter with this sudden thing going on...I don't know if that's fair. Haha...my addiction continues! Extra long chapter to show my love! Be nice! :)