The sky had already begun to take on a deep violet when Agdar finally texted Elsa the information for their meeting later that evening. Eight o'clock, Dahlia's on 4th, she kept repeating to herself as she rocked a sleeping Lilly against her chest. A wave of chills raced across her ribs and up to her chest, kissing Lilly just above her temple to help distract herself from the nerves rattling through her body. One sniff of the that sweet intoxicating baby scent from the top of Lilly's head brought a smile to Elsa's tensing face as she stopped to think how odd it was that her own child was helping her cope with the anxiety of dealing with her father.
Lilly sucked in a quick shuddering breath through her tiny nose before snuggling closer into Elsa's warm chest, nuzzling her nose into the hollow of her throat as her smile deepened with delight.
She tried to imagine what she would tell Lilly if she were faced with something like this, though confronting a scorned daughter was something Elsa hoped never to do. One day it would happen, there'd be something in her life that she was afraid of or found herself in a maelstrom of emotion over and she'd be the one to help Lilly through it. She'd tell her to be brave, Elsa thought. She would remind Lilly that no matter what happened, she loved her more than life itself. That she was an amazing and wonderful person who could do anything, no matter how impossible the challenge seemed.
There was nothing different about her own situation. She was brave. Elsa had fought and somehow managed to preserve her spirit throughout her father's tyranny. She'd prevailed and left her homeland to build a life for herself, free from anyone's expectations other than her own. And for the past seven years she had done so with the most beautiful soul by her side. She found a love richer and deeper than she ever knew existed. And that love had blossomed and culminated into the precious little life now clinging to her pinky finger in the soft white light of the nursery.
No matter what, he couldn't hurt her anymore. He couldn't say anything to cut her down because she was smart enough by now to know it wasn't true. Whatever the reason he had come to see her, she was still going to come back to a safe and happy home every single day for the rest of her life. Whether he loved her or not, it would never replace or come close to the love Anna and Lilly gave her.
Sounds of modern lullaby versions of The Beatles echoed through the second floor of their home as Anna played with Lilly on the floor of the nursery. An avid tummy time fan, Lilly grunted and cooed as she lifted and lowered her wobbly head. Chubby legs and arms struggled to support the weight of her body but Anna cheered her on with silent hand claps and high pitched squeals of encouragement.
While the nursery was alive with giggles and music, Elsa was trapped in the mirror, staring at her reflection as she prepared to end the seven year cold war between her and her father. Pale porcelain skin a smidge whiter than usual with a sense of foreboding. Hair and makeup perfectly done with a sensible and appropriately cut dress looked back at her, the image of a grown and sophisticated woman. She looked the part; successful, driven, elegant. But the child inside her kept rising to the surface with an unsettling fear that this was going to go terribly wrong.
"How do you feel?" Anna asked trying to balance Lilly in her arms as Elsa gathered her purse and a light wrap by the front door, lips tense in a line of apprehension. It was hard for Anna to see her this way, knowing she couldn't go with her or protect her. This had to be done alone not matter how difficult it was.
Elsa let out a forceful breath and thought for a moment. "Angry," she replied bluntly.
"Well that's understandable. I know somewhere in there you're probably scared or even nervous but remember when you were having Lilly and you said, let me die...I can't take any more?" Elsa chuckled a little at the memory. "You didn't think you could do it...but you did. You're strong and brave...and you can do this," Anna said sweetly and wrapped her free arm around Elsa's waist, pulling her close as she looked deep into those worried cerulean pools. "Just remember that I love you. I love you and that's all that really matters. And I'm so proud of you. You are everything he could never be. And you are everything to me." Elsa bit back a small cry and a tear that pricked at the corner of her eye, feeling a swirl of warmth tickle her heart as Anna tucked a loose wave of golden blonde hair behind her ear before giving her a kiss.
"Thank you. I love you," Elsa said and took one last deep breath. "And I love you so very much my sweet girl," giving Lilly the softest of kisses on top of her blonde head.
With no words left to say, the two shared a look that gave Elsa enough confidence to walk out the door, looking back at least twice and Anna watched her until she pulled out of the driveway.
A hot and muggy summer's evening had fallen upon the bustling city. It was almost eight o'clock and the sun began to set as it reflected off the windows of the many buildings. A sight that Elsa would normally haved stopped to take in, she loved the way sunlight could give a building an entirely different feel. Her mind was elsewhere as a young valet attendant rushed to open her car door and offered a hand before giving her the valet ticket.
"Enjoy your evening miss."
She laughed to herself before politely thanking the man, as he seemed to have no idea just how ironic his words had been. Finding any sort of enjoyment in her evening was going to be highly unlikely. After all, this was a moment she'd been avoiding for seven years. The only thing that made her feel better was knowing that she had the upper hand as it had been her father who requested this meeting, not her.
The surrealness of the moment was palpable as she slowly walked towards the hostess stand, dressed to the nines in an outfit that gave her some much needed confidence. If she was going to get any message across without using words, it was that she had made it without him. She was a successful professional of her own making, on her own talents. She also had the love of a woman who cared for her in a way he could never understand let alone be capable of. They were also on equal footing now. Sure she'd only been a parent for only six weeks but she already knew that there was nothing in this world, no amount of pride, that could keep her from her daughter or do anything other than love and support her. She was ready for this to happen, to face him. To face the past.
"May I help you?" A voice interrupted the flurry of thoughts running through Elsa's mind.
"I'm meeting someone. I assume they're already here." She clutched her purse and kept her eyes on the hostess, hoping he wasn't at a nearby table watching the interaction.
"What's the name?" the hostess asked.
She paused for a moment, chewing her lip before swallowing thickly. Trying to push the memory of the last time they'd met face to face to the back of her mind. "Arendelle. Agdar Arendelle." His name alone sent a chill through her spine.
"Right this way. He's waiting for you in the back room." The hostess grabbed a menu and wine list and motioned for Elsa to follow her. At least the table was going to be in a more secluded area of the restaurant.
The further they walked the harder her heart pounded, until they reached a small room with a single table inside. She instinctively followed the hostess inside, forcing her eyes away from the man she knew was sitting there, waiting until they were alone before she let herself feel anything.
"Here are your menus and your server will be with you shortly to take your orders," she said as she smiled and left the two of them alone.
The room had become eerily silent as Elsa forced herself to turn on her heel and face her father. In an instant, the rage that had been building inside of her for who knows how long now, began to fall away as she looked into eyes of a man who was now frail and somehow much older looking than she last remembered. His once auburn hair was peppered with gray and thinning. His face was weathered and hollow, his eyes sunken and surrounded by dark circles.
As weak as he seemed he still managed to stand to greet her and she couldn't help but notice how thin he looked. This was no longer the man of power she once knew. This was a man who'd been consumed by illness and losing the battle for his life.
"Elsa." Even his voice was weak, but it still carried a hint of that tone she despised when he said her name. "Thank you for coming." He took a step forward and motioned for her to take a seat and she jerked away when he tried to rest a hand on her arm as he helped her to her seat. His eyes looked saddened by the exchanged and suddenly she was grateful that he'd requested a private room. This was going to be more awkward than she'd first anticipated. He recoiled his hand and tried again.
"Please, have a seat." His tone was slightly warmer this time, afraid she'd decided to call the whole thing off if he didn't make a more valiant effort. He'd run her out of his life once before and didn't want to make the same mistake twice.
She tentatively took a seat and set her bag next to the chair, her eyes searching his but she was unable to read them.
"I wasn't sure you were going to show." He comfortably rested his arms on the table and took a moment to look at her, really look at her. There was no sign of a child left on her face, she was a grown woman now. His heart ached when he realized how beautiful she'd become, how much time had passed. Her hair was still as long as ever was but it wasn't bound in the braid he was accustomed to seeing. It was a flowing sea of platinum loose curls, the color of which he never knew where had come from. He had always hoped for a son, someone who took after him and looked just like him. He after all he was the spitting image of his own father. One look at her and he knew he'd somehow missed out on something even more special. She was radiant and confident, comfortable in her own skin. Especially for someone who had just had a baby.
"I'm here now. What is it you want from me?" Direct and to the point, her eyes never breaking from his as she narrowed her gaze.
"You're angry. I can't hold that against you now can I? As you can see I'm...ill. I may have months or years left but either way I'm not responding to treatment as well as the doctors would like." He stopped when he saw her cross her arms and scowl at him with a look he'd never seen from her.
"So what is this? An atonement? You've come all this way to ask for my forgiveness, to say you're sorry because you're at death's door?" She wasn't so much as asking as she was accusing.
"No. I've come to tell you that...you were right."
Her eyes widened at his words. She thought she'd nailed him by calling him out on asking for forgiveness but now she was thrown. The tight pinched look of anger diminished as she waited from him to elaborate on just what exactly she was right about.
"You've never said it but I know how you feel, I know what you think of me. I'm not a good father. I know because I was the same father to you as my father was to me and I hated him for it. Only I wasn't strong enough to stand up to him, as you clearly did to me." He leaned in closer to the table and watched as she stared at him gobsmacked with her piercingly blue eyes.
"Everything I wanted for you, everything I tried to protect...is gone now anyways. At the end of the day I have nothing to show for my life and you...you have everything." He still sounded like the person she knew but couldn't believe what she was hearing.
A hand flew to her mouth and she tried to keep her composure as her front of anger quickly vanished, leaving her vulnerable as the sadness of the past began to creep back into her mind. He had just admitted he was wrong, that she was right and he was an awful father. He'd just confirmed every feeling she'd ever had about him and yet she didn't feel one bit better. In what should have been a moment of victory she instead felt broken.
As if there weren't a more awkward time for the waiter to come and take their order, Agdar quickly rattled his off followed by Elsa who ordered a simple salad. With all that was coming out, her stomach was twisting into too many knots to even think about eating at a time like this. Thankfully the waiter sensed the thickening tension within the room and left as quickly as he came, leaving the two to pick up where they left off after he poured Elsa her glass of much needed pinot noir.
Taking a giant gulp of the soothing red wine, Elsa cut right to the heart of her quandary as the warmth of alcohol spread out through her chest.
"When you say everything is gone...what exactly do you mean?" she asked with a sick sense of dread.
Agdar took a moment to adjust himself in his chair before clearing his throat, avoiding her steely gaze as he did so.
"I sold the company off a few years ago due to my declining health. It was a difficult decision but what's done is done. There was no other option." His eyes were still fixed on the perfectly polished silverware in front of him and he traced the lines of his fading mustache with a precise thumb and index finger.
Elsa's eyes narrowed as the statement rolled over her like water off a duck's back. "I'm aware of that. Besides that...what else?" encouraging him to be a little more forthright.
"Besides having my daughter gone for seven years?" his eyes lifting back up to find hers with a glint of sorrow in them.
"You know what I mean. Where is she?" her tone low and frighteningly serious, prompting a pause so long that Agdar had time to take a few sips from his Scotch as he took his sweet time savoring the smooth hints of oak and vanilla drowning out the bitterness rising at the back of his throat.
"After you left I had to explain what had happened and...she was upset. Extremely upset and we had no way of contacting you after that. It's no secret that your mother and I have never had the kind of marriage she deserved but things were never the same after that. She fell into a depression. A deep depression. Said that I took you away from her. By Jul (Christmas) she was devastated, not having you there for the festivities and she simply told me that she was done. And she left me."
Elsa's lips parted and froze in disbelief, mouth agape as she suddenly realized she hadn't been alone in her suffering. Shock and anger seeped into her bones at the thought of her mother being heartbroken by his thoughtless actions, believing all these years that she'd just been too spineless to come after her.
"Y-you're divorced?" she stuttered.
"Legally separated so that I can still give her money. Though she stopped accepting it years ago."
"Where is she now?" shaking her head as she continued to try and absorb the monumental shock.
"She met someone a few years back and lives with him in Stavanger. He's in oil I believe." The look of regret and shame so evident on his face it was hard for her to ignore.
"That along with Pancreatic cancer and an eminent date with death, coupled with a grandbaby I've never met, I really have nothing left except for my wealth which leaves me very lonely." His lips pressed into a thin line and he sat back in his chair as Elsa continued to comprehend the drama his life had become in her absence.
Wracked with too many emotions to count the one thing that kept bubbling to the surface was remorse. Yes she was angry, so angry that her veins felt like molten lava flowing through her body but at the same time he seemed oddly aware of the utter devastation he'd caused. He'd created his own version of hell, alienating himself into a life of solitude where he now had to deal with a terminal illness with only hired help to ccare for him. No matter what he'd done she was a person of sympathy and couldn't help but feel sorry for him. His eyes held so much unspoken pain and despair behind them, almost like he was begging her to save him from himself knowing it was too late."You see, I've run everything that ever mattered to me out of my life." She could feel his words piercing her heart as the pain of the past came rushing back, flowing over whatever walls she still had up in defense.
"I miss you Elsa," the words felt like a bittersweet knife wound to the chest. Pain of what he'd done to make her leave met with pain of hearing him say how much he needed her and it consumed her entirely. A demure hand pressed against her lips as she fought to keep her tears back until a burning ember within reignited her anger, remembering and never forgetting that he'd brought this on himself. On both of them.
Her hand fell away as a look of disdain blazed across her rubicund face and she glared at him with a scornful eye.
"You miss me disappointing you? You miss controlling me...degrading me...abusing me?" she seethed with a shaky voice, hands trembling in her lap.
His lips pursed, hearing her out as she let out everything she'd never had the courage to say before.
"You know what you did to me. You know how you treated me, terrorized me. How can you come here and even have the courage to tell me you miss me? You wanted me gone and I left. And you never came to find me. You wouldn't have even if you knew how to reach me."
"Elsa, I can never undo the past. I can never go back and change what I now know was wrong or how blind I was. My anger was always a monster I could never control, with my family putting an exorbitant amount of pressure on me to keep a company that had been in our family for generations thriving into the next century."
His voice was sincere but his answer just wasn't good enough for her, crossing her arms over her chest as she glowered at him with years of compounded indignation.
"Elsa listen to me. You can hate me forever, I'll understand. But in a few months at best, it won't matter. Even if you forgive me, I won't get to live long enough to make it up to you. I don't have the time to make it right. I only have now. I went to San Francisco to look into some new treatments but...it's not a possibility for me. My prognosis is death. And soon you'll be rid of me, just as you've always wanted."
Those last words caught her attention and snapped her out of her rage.
"What I want? What would you know about what I want? You think I'm that awful of a person that I would want you dead? You don't know anything about how I feel about you. I don't even know how you feel about me."
"I've always loved you and you know that," he answered unwaveringly, only to see hot tears pooling in her reddening eyes. Elsa's body felt like it was breaking out in an anger induced sweat, like a repressed fever of emotion was blooming across her fair skin.
"Do I? Did you love me when you called me nothing? Did you love when you burnt my work? Did you love when I asked you to kill me? When you ripped me from my family?" she shouted, blazing hot tears streaming down her face.
"Elsa stop, I'm sorry!" A bang of his hand on the table brought her out of her fury and she buried her face in her hands as something inside of her broke. A sharp gut wrenching pain cut through Agdar as he watched her quietly sob, seeing firsthand just how deeply he'd hurt her; even after all this time. He gave her a few minutes to gather herself, after which she flicked the tears from her face and swallowed back the overflow of emotions. She didn't come this far to break down in front of him and feel weak again, that wasn't what she wanted out of this and neither did Agdar.
"Where is this getting us? We're going in circles now. You can line me up in front of a firing squad and you still wouldn't be happy. Why would I come see you if I didn't care?" he asked, quieter this time.
The emotional upheaval had become too much for her and she simply shrugged in reply.
"In the time I have left can we not spend it spitting venom at each other, for once?" his voice pleading as he reached across the table for her hand. She looked at it, boney fingers so devoid of life and she couldn't get herself to lift her own hand; staring blankly at his offering as her breath mellowed.
"Please. Let's try," he asked softly, twitching his fingers in encouragement to join him.
This was that difficult part Anna had talked about. Yelling and screaming at him wasn't the worst part, it was the trust she was now being asked to put forth. The courage to put aside their differences and take that first step forward. He spoke to that part of her that wanted something more. Wanted something different. For one moment to have a father who cared, who loved her, and to put the past to rest. The glimpse of the man she'd seen on those rare occasions was now right in front of her and the tyrant of the past had vanished. But it wouldn't be easy. Her body refused to obey her command but she willed her hand to meet his as he clasped the small delicate hand within his own. They stayed there like that for a few seconds until an unexpected smile crept up on her face. That familiar warmth from his hands reminding her of the few decent times they shared together and the fire of her fury began to extinguish.
She sniffled once and smiled a bit more, body still recovering from the flare of raw emotions. Agdar replied by patting the top of their clasped hands with his other as she smiled wider before he let go.
Her hand immediately left his and went straight to her class of wine, taking back a mouth sized swallow and sniffeling before daring herself to take that giant step forward.
"What hotel are you staying at?" she asked casually, face brightening a little. She felt as if she were floating above her body and watching the strange interaction take place.
He chuckled a bit in reply. How odd that they were actually having a somewhat normal conversation after yelling at each other not but five minutes ago.
"The Davenport on Second Avenue," he replied warmly.
A surprised laugh escaped from Elsa and her smile broke out wide in irony.
"What's so funny?" he asked slightly confused.
"I helped design that hotel. Specifically the restaurant. That was all mine."
"I feel rather embarrassed to have to ask what it is you do. I'm ashamed to say I don't know anything about your life."
The image of the evening's events never included this kind of conversation and they were now venturing across unchartered waters, smooth and glasslike conditions unlike the stormy sea they'd left behind.
"I'm an architect," she beamed with pride. It felt so good to say to him.
She'd become one after all was his first thought. They were both silent for a moment and tried not to let their minds dip back into the past again. Fortunately their meal arrived and provided a nice distraction and the small talk continued much to their surprise. They were both seeing a whole new side of each other and it felt more like two adults talking than father and daughter.
"And you're married. Tell me about her. What's her name?" She found his eager sense of curiosity strangely appealing and decided to indulged him. After all it wasn't difficult for her to gush about Anna. Next to Lilly it was her favorite topic.
"Anna." Just saying her name brought a twinkle to her eye and the way she smiled to herself stole his attention. He'd never seen her smile like that before, so happy in an almost dreamful way.
"She's a teacher. We've been married for three years. I met her just after I came back from Norway. Right after...after..."
"I understand," saving her the awkwardness of bringing up that awful last time they saw each other. "She sounds lovely," he smiled before cutting into this food.
"You haven't even said anything about me marrying a woman. You said yourself you don't know anything about me and I'm guessing that meant you didn't know I was a lesbian. Why are you being so compliant about it?"
"To be honest your preference doesn't bother me. I wanted you to run the company. I didn't care who you ended up marrying. And you forget I caught you that one time...so I assumed."
She pursed her lips and nodded in reply, cheeks a little pink with embarrassment.
"Are you leaving out the best part on purpose?" he asked with a sly hint of a grin. "You're a mother now, yes?"
Again nodding in reply with a slightly wider smile.
"Do you have a photo?" he asked excitedly, setting down his knife and fork as he wiped his mouth with the corner of this napkin; the same refined way Elsa did so when she ate.
A moment of hesitation passed through her and she finally leaned over and retrieved her phone from her purse, swiping her way through various screens until she found a recent photo of Lilly where Elsa had managed to capture to that gummy smile of hers mid giggle.
Agdar didn't really know what to expect but his face melted when he laid eyes on the photo, bringing a curled hand to cover his mouth. White blonde hair, sky blue eyes, and he'd recognize those features anywhere.
"She's yours," he muttered, not meaning to out loud.
Her smile instantly fell. "Ours. My wife and I's," she corrected somewhat sternly.
"I'm sorry," throwing his hands up apologetically. "What's her name?" He took the phone from Elsa's long slim fingers and zoomed in on the photo; grin plastered on his face from ear to ear like a fool as he soaked in those adorable chubby cheeks and little button nose. She looked just Elsa and that filled his heart with a bittersweet joy.
"Lilly," she beamed in reply, also thinking of Anna in that moment.
"That's beautiful but I mean her full name."
"Lillian Elana Arendelle."
"Arendelle." The worst struck him like a thunderbolt, a welcomed one.
"Same as my wife," she added proudly. For some reason he'd assumed Elsa would have abandoned all ties to him, including their name. But this beautiful baby girl that seemed to jump off the screen was not only his flesh and blood but carried his family's name as well. In the seven years she'd been gone she'd started a whole new family of Arendelle's and they were more alike than different in a way now. He could see himself in her, in the best way. In that moment he was connected to something bigger, something powerful that made his heart throb with joy.
"Do you have one of you pregnant?" he asked politely. Elsa flipped to a photo of her from the day of their baby shower. A profile shot of her dressed in a soft pink dress, hands resting on the lower curve of her pregnant belly with a smile as bright as sunshine etched on her face.
"You look like your mother. Blonde but...so much like her." It was probably the most beautiful photo he'd ever seen of her, the look of pure happiness nearly bringing him to tears.
"Something tells me you won't be faced with quite as many regrets at the end of your life as I am but there comes a point when you know living for tomorrow isn't really an option anymore. You're forced to look back on your life and find some sense of meaning. Anything that helps you understand that you've done something, at least one thing good. One thing that will live on long after you've perished. This is it. Even if I had the company, it's not the thing I'd like to leave as my legacy. That lesson took me my entire life to learn and the price was severe. I had made peace with the idea that I'd probably never see you again, and I could leave this world knowing that something good would live on."
He paused to take a breath, emotions taking a toll on him as well.
"And when I found out you were pregnant…" Too gripped with emotion to finish his sentence. "My wife and my daughter...despise me...but a part of you...a part of me that hasn't suffered from my mistakes...exists." His lips pressed together and his chin quivered in a way she'd never witnessed before. "Just seeing you is enough. You don't have to forgive me and I know you'll never forget."
Their eyes locked on each other as Agdar continued.
"I know I don't deserve it but it doesn't mean I want it any less. I'm a terrible father but for the small amount of time left, I could be a good grandfather. If you let me."
Her hand pressed back against her mouth and she thought long and hard. He'd been cruel to her no doubt but what did she gain by doing the same to him?
"You can come tomorrow," she said softly, prompting him to lift his back away from the chair in attention.
"Tomorrow?" he asked in disbelief.
"To see my daughter. Yes," she clarified, still hesitant but something within her was pushing her forward, almost like she was running on autopilot.
"Elsa...I," his mouth hung open, silenced and astonished by her compassion he knew he was undeserving of.
"Don't say anything more or I may change my mind."
That night Elsa recovered in bed wrapped in Anna's arms as her mind raced with a sleet of emotions. Anna held her close and gently stroked her hair, kissed her on her forehead and whispered loving words to her until she fell asleep.
Miles away at his towering hotel, Agdar sat in an opulent leather chair, admiring the view of the twinkling city lights from the restaurant Elsa had designed. Quiet and still, he sat and let his eyes follow every line of the room. From the massively tall windows to the flowing curves of the inset ceiling, not a detail went unnoticed as he took it all in. It was impressive, stunning, and it nearly brought him to tears.
Her talent was so evident in every inch of the room and his heart stung when he noticed bits of detailing eerily resembling parts of his own home. His face was long, slack with guilt and sadness over what he'd tried to snuff out. Elsa's spirit and talent was greater than anything he had ever imagined. It was bigger than him only he'd been too blind to see it.
The lights began to dim and a young man tapped him on the shoulder to announce the restaurant was closing, to which Agdar handed to the man a thick stack of hundreds and requested it stay open just a half hour more. Alone within the walls of his only daughter's creation, he admired her beauty and grace from a distance and felt proud of something he knew he had nothing to stake claim in.
