I fumble with my keys, desperate to get inside and climb into bed. I'm exhausted. Mentally, physically, emotionally exhausted. I toss my jacket and bag on the floor and drag myself to the kitchen. The fridge is pretty bare, but there's some white wine and a bag of baby carrots which will have to do.
I curl up in front of the television and find something mindless I can distract myself with. It's not even six o'clock, but it feels like I've been up for days. I down the glass of wine quickly and consider eating some carrots, but the stress of the day seems to have killed my appetite. There's a Dawson's Creek marathon that's just a few episodes in, so I pour myself another glass of wine and enjoy the familiar diversion of Capeside's most famous residents.
It's been a rough day, peppered with a few bright spots, but overall it's been one I'd like to forget. After an afternoon of phone tag with lawyers, I'm feeling more hopeful they will be able to reach a reasonable final settlement. I've been completely avoiding thinking about my upcoming trip home. The timing couldn't be worse, with everything going on at work and here I am sneaking home early. Not that I was much use today anyway. Stop obsessing. I close my eyes and take a deep breath and before I can make out what Dawson and Joey are arguing about, I'm asleep.
The sound of the front door opening startles me awake, and I quickly look around for something to defend myself with, the empty wine bottle being my only weapon. I'm just about to make a grab for it when I hear a familiar voice, "Don't you answer your phone anymore?"
"Sidney. You scared me half to death," I say breathlessly. He walks toward me and I get a good look at him. He's wearing black suit pants, a white linen shirt with the top two buttons undone, and a black jacket. His hair is tousled, but it suits him. He glances around the room, clearly trying to figure out what pressing issue has kept me from answering his call. "Sorry, I must have fallen asleep and my phone is still in my bag," I explain.
"Fallen asleep or passed out?" he asks seriously, picking up the empty wine bottle.
"It was already half-empty Sid, geez."
"Well, it's not like you to ignore your phone. You were acting weird all day and then I can't get a hold of you for hours," he says with grave concern. "I tried phoning you before the dinner, I texted you when I got there, I called you twice from the event, and nothing. I even called Carter and he said you left work hours ago."
"I just came home and crashed," I tell him. He stands in front of me, hands on his hips, looking impossibly sexy and very impatient. "I didn't mean to worry you."
"Kate, you've had me in knots all day. What's going on with you?" he sounds so troubled. He sits beside me and runs his hands through his hair, and he looks exasperated. "I thought we agreed to talk to each other. Do you still want this? Is this too much for you?"
I can't believe the impact my reluctance to talk has had on him. This whole time I've been thinking that talking about my divorce is too heavy this early in our relationship, that he'll think I'm too much drama, but did that ever backfire. I curl my arm in his and kiss his wounded shoulder. "I still want this," I whisper. "So much."
"Good," he breathes heavily, his voice dripping with relief. "So do I, but you have to talk to me babe. You can't just shut down."
"It's a long story," I warn him.
"I want to hear it," he says firmly.
"Okay, just stop me if it's too much, okay?" He nods and I continue. "Remember the scar you asked about?" I start, and his fingers quickly trace the length of it over my jeans. "It's kind of the reason why I'm divorced."
"He divorced you over a scar?" Sid says unbelieving.
"Not exactly. Benny, that's my ex-husband," awkward! "Benny and I were driving, well I was driving, when another car hit us and it was pretty bad. Ben's side took the worst of it, and he was pretty banged up. There was a lot of blood, from him and from me and our...well it was serious." Sid's fingers run lightly up and down my leg, trying to calm me I'm sure, but his eyes are wild with curiosity.
"He lived though, right?" Sid asks quietly.
"He did, but he was badly injured. He was in a coma for six days and when he woke up it was clear he'd lost over a decade of his memory. He had no idea who I was, he actually thought he was fifteen." I smile at the last part, even though it's not funny. Sid gives me a sympathetic smile and pulls my hand into his. "His injury makes it almost impossible for Benny to make new memories, so you can imagine how hard it would be for him to relearn everyday that he was ten years older than he thought and married. It was pretty traumatic."
"So he doesn't know you?"
"No," I shake my head. "Basically his family decided that I had destroyed their son and he shouldn't be married to a stranger anymore. They had Benny file for divorce shortly after he moved back home and they've been kind of chasing me for what they feel they're owed ever since."
"And you? You were okay after the accident?" he looks so concerned.
"Mostly," I nod.
"Mostly?" he presses.
"Well the scar, which isn't a big deal, and..." I trail off.
"And what?"
"I was very newly pregnant, and it didn't take," I whisper. I've never really talked about this to anyone except my family and Carter. Pretty heavy stuff Kate. "It might have been from the accident, maybe not, they weren't sure."
"Oh babe," he wipes the tear running down my cheek.
"Wasn't meant to be," I say quietly. "So this morning when I got to work there was a letter from Benny's lawyer and they're basically going after everything I have, and in the past I've been kind of just giving them whatever they ask for out of guilt, but clearly it's never going to be enough, and I was just really...overwhelmed," I finish with a sigh.
"Understandably," he says softly.
"So, have I scared you off yet?" I say with a laugh trying to disguise my nerves.
"Actually, you telling me makes me feel really close to you," he says seriously. I wrap my arms around him and press myself tight against him. Sid's arms quickly find their way around me and I feel his breath on my neck. "Do you think he'll ever remember you?"
"Maybe, I hope so," I say truthfully. When I feel Sid stiffen I pull away to see his reaction.
"Does that mean you want to get back together with..." he sounds almost angry.
"For a long time I did," I interrupt. "That's all I wanted." Sid looks away and takes a deep breath. I've never really had to talk about this with another man before and it's coming out all wrong. "Sid, I don't want that anymore."
"How do you know?" he asks anxiously.
"I know because I'm not the same person I was then. I'm different, in almost every way, and I don't want to go back. I want to move forward," I squeeze his hand tightly and am elated when he squeezes back. "But I want Benny to have a chance to be happy too. I don't want him waking up every morning having to relearn his life, you know?"
"So if he walked through your front door, you wouldn't..." he trails off and I give him a comforting smile.
"That's not going to happen," I assure him.
"But if it did?" he presses. Oh, Sid! This has really brought out his insecurities, and I feel awful.
"If he did, then I would introduce him to the new man in my life," and when I lean in to kiss Sid, I can feel the smile spread across his face.
"Promise?" he whispers.
"I swear."
"When you say they're going after you, what does that mean?" he asks concerned.
"His parents are suing me for a lot of money and property," I sigh.
"How much money?" he blurts out. "Sorry, that's none of my business," he adds quickly.
"It's okay." I tuck into him. "They want $15,000 a month until Benny remarries, and a lump sum of $1.8 million, plus our lakehouse, my apartment in New York, and this house." The last part infuriates Sidney. His brows furrow and his hands round into fists.
"They want your house?" he practically shouts.
"It's in the lawyers hands now," I assure him. "Are you okay?"
"Me?" he asks wild eyed.
"Yeah," I laugh. "I just kind of unloaded on you. It's a lot to take in."
"I'm okay," he says, but I'm not convinced. I frown at him and he continues, "I'd be lying if I said the idea of him coming back for you doesn't scare me."
"Nothing to worry about hun," I say with conviction.
"Have you seen him since all this happened?"
"Once," I reply. "I ran into him and his brother. He had no idea who I was, and we didn't tell him."
"Are you still in love with him?" it's barely a whisper. I've asked myself this question almost everyday since the divorce. The answer remained the same for months, and the more time passed the more confident I became of my conviction that yes, I still was in love with Benny. In my heart I was still very much his wife, he was very much my husband, and one day we would be together again and put all this unpleasantness behind us. When I consider Sid's question I realize my answer has changed.
"I'm not in love with Benny, not anymore." I smile and caress Sid's face.
"How do you know?" His eyes search mine, desperate for some kind of assurance.
"I know because..." how do I say this without saying it? "I know because..." I start again.
"Kate," he pleads.
"I know because I can see myself falling in love with someone else," someone like you! "And I've never felt like that before." I blush every shade of crimson and stare at my fingers. In less than an hour I've completely unloaded on Sid and practically said the L-word. Any sane man would go running for the hills, right? I gather my courage and turn to face him, my eyes searching him nervously.
"I can see that too," he whispers, a sheepish smile creeping across his face. This confession takes me by surprise and I launch myself at him, no regard for his injury, and wrap myself around him. Sid winces slightly, but doesn't pull away, in fact, he does the opposite. His hand holds the back of my head tight against his neck, his other arm snakes around my waist and drags me to his lap. It doesn't take long for our mouths to meet and I realize we haven't kissed, really kissed, since this morning.
His hands travel up the inside of my shirt, and the feeling of his skin on mine is an instant aphrodisiac. I turn to face him, putting my legs on either side of him, and let my fingers tangle in his hair. I drag my mouth across his jaw and nip at his earlobe. His breath hitches and I know I've found an especially sensitive spot for Sid. I run my tongue lightly around the curve of his ear, gently blowing and tickling. I move in closer, taking his earlobe in my mouth and he groans in approval.
"Oh babe," he moans softly, shifting uncomfortably underneath me.
"Can you stay?" I beg.
"Try and stop me," he smirks. His lips trail featherlight kisses down my neck, his fingers quickly working to pull my shirt over my head. I help him undress me and toss the unwelcome garment to the floor. He holds my ribcage and tucks his face into my chest, kissing, sucking, searching for more skin. I feel his fingers fumble with the clasp of my bra and I can't help but giggle. "I hate these damn things," he says with frustration. I feel him pull hard on the strap, but it still isn't undone. I reach behind my back and quickly open the clasp, freeing my breasts into his waiting hands.
"Upstairs?" I suggest.
"Soon," he pants. He runs his hands over my chest and I feel him growing underneath me. "I love your skin babe," he whispers. There's that word again. His tongue flicks across my skin, and I'm reminded of the pleasure that same tongue has given me, using those same motions, just a few precious inches lower on my body. His hands move lower, deftly undoing the button to my dress pants, tugging the fabric down my hips, taking my panties with them. I sit up and steady myself on his arms as he completely undresses me, and I realize this is a familiar scene.
"I'm always naked and you're fully dressed," I whine. He seems unfazed by this, so I am forced to speak up. "Get naked boy!"
Sid laughs loudly, but obliges, pulling off his jacket while I get to work on his dress shirt. We have his top half uncovered quickly and I move aside so he can stand and step out of his suit pants. I run my hand down the length of his naked body, admiring his beautiful pale skin, and impressive muscle tone. "So handsome," I whisper. He smiles and presses me to lay back in the couch and his body quickly covers mine. Our lips start their familiar dance and his tongue invades my mouth. I moan quietly when I feel his erection press against my sex. "Sid," I warn.
"Babe," he coaxes.
"Sid," I warn more severely. "We need a..." and before the word is out of my mouth, Sid is headed to the bedroom.
"Stay put," he calls from the steps. I laugh at his bossiness, and apparently he's heard me. "I'm serious!" he yells from inside my bedroom. Seconds later he's padding down the stairs, a string of condoms in hand, and the most beautiful smile on his face. He climbs on top of me and holding the foil packet to my mouth. "Rip," he instructs. I use my teeth to tear open the package and he grins proudly. He quickly sheathes himself and then positions himself between me. I hold my breath, anticipating a repeat of this morning, but he stills.
"Everything okay?" I say impatiently.
"Let's do this slowly," he insists. He nuzzles into my neck and I press my hips to meet his. He enters me slowly, but deliberately, and holds himself inside me, examining my face closely and leaning into kiss me. His lips ravage mine, and I'm taken aback by the intensity. "Have I told you how beautiful you are?"
I shake my head and grin.
"You are gorgeous, your lips, your skin, I live to see you smile," he whispers, which of course has the desired effect on me, and I flash him a huge smile. "So beautiful, and you're mine." He moves in and out gently, patiently, and for the first time our physical connection feels like...lovemaking. I let my hands run across his back and up his neck into his hair. I pull his head into my neck and am rewarded with his pillow-soft lips on m skin. My hips move slowly, matching his deliberate pace.
"You feel so good Sid," I whisper. "Keep going."
"Don't rush me babe," he warns. As if I would! He continues to rock his pelvis slowly, dragging himself out and pressing himself in, and it sparks a slow burn deep inside me. We watch each other carefully, grinning uncontrollably, giggling incessantly, nipping at each other, never missing a chance to kiss. He pushes into me, and slows to watch my reaction. I take a deep breath and push the hair away from his face. I smile up at him and stroke his face. "I like that," he confesses shyly, so I continue running my fingers down his jawline.
"Me too," I whisper against his skin. I close my eyes and concentrate on the feeling of his body against mine. The weight of him on my body is comforting and oh so welcome. My fingers dance across his back and I feel him smile against my skin. We move together, patiently exploring each other, his eyes never leaving mine, my hands holding him tight to me. This is what love feels like. That much I do remember.