A/n: Hey!! Yeah. It took me a long while to publish this. And I'm sorry. This has beed stuck in my computer for the longest time. And I never got to publish it because i never got to finish this chapter. :))
I'm really sorry.
Don't worry though. I'm still working on this story.
I promised top finish it, remember? :D
By: aningme
Chapter 36
Dilemma: The Sequel
The sky seemed to mirror the emotions that tore at Draco Malfoy's insides apart: dark, gloomy, angry, and heavy. His rupture of fury and rage wore him out already, after giving himself a good round with a bark of oak tree, letting his fists bleed in torment, and the tree to its destruction. He only sat now under the shade of another tree, barely protecting him from the cold, sploshing rain.
But he didn't feel the bone-chilling coldness now, feeling numb in all accounts. He couldn't fathom nor describe this intense emptiness inside of him, chewing at him little by little, growing into a spreading venom in his veins. He didn't know how to extinguish it. He didn't know how to recover from it all...
He could still remember just a few days before, when he set foot for the first time after a decade's wait on Hogwarts, that he felt incandescently capable of anything... everything... because he was complete...
Because he was with her....
He was prepared to face anything that would come his way and hinder him from bringing back the most precious thing he lost...
But now... where was his confidence? His strength? His invincible will?
Merlin... He could still hear Narcissa's voice echoing in his head... and all the droning sounds inside that cursed courtroom. Even the thought of it all stirred new sparks of his arising rage... driving him out of his senses.
Damn it. He didn't know what else to do now... what to think....
All he wanted now was just to see Hermione's face... hear her voice... feel her touch... smell her scent...
No. He shook his head at that, ramming his bloody fists on the rubble of rocks beneath him. The pain in his heart he felt now couldn't even be compared to the pain caused by the torn skin on his hands....
He couldn't have her with him now... not after what he did to her....
She wanted him to stop. She doesn't want to talk to him...
She doesn't want to see me....
She doesn't need me at all...
Thunders roared above him as he sat still on the muddy ground, staring at particularly nothing.
He realized he could endure anything... everything....
But he could never endure living a life without her... not now, not ever.
He never needed anyone this much before. He never felt so helpless... so broken... just because of a person... just because of a woman... just because of her....
He lifted his face to the crying heavens, closing his eyes to let himself be enveloped in darkness. It seemed as if his surroundings wept with him, hurting, suffering, just as the trees bent with the angry winds, the clouds screaming in thunders, its tears falling upon the earth endlessly. It was as if they also knew his fate, just as he did, now that everything has come to this...
"Do you remember, Draco? Do you remember the first book your father ever gave you?"
He weakly shook his head in denial, as if the voice in his head was speaking to him at this moment.
"Do you remember the book you proudly held night and day? The first book you read and mastered? The book you considered your first gift from your father?"
His bloody hands crept up to his face, staining the pale white that was his skin.
"Damn you..." He hissed, his hands forming fists again. "Damn you to fucking hell. Why do you haunt me still?"
His nails dug into his palms so deeply, the red welts on them starting to bleed.
Aren't you satisfied? Aren't you bloody satisfied you ruined my life?
He pulled down his hands from his face and rapped the back of his head unto the tree, his eyes shut tightly in anger.
He had long forgotten his father, along with the memories he had with him. He had left them when he stepped out of their house to build his own. He had turned his back on them the moment he decided to betray them for good.
But even so, he couldn't forget the damned book, the way its leather hung loosely around it, its letters almost faded gold at its front, its sheets almost yellow from age.
He couldn't forget the renewed memory of that cursed day, when he turned eight.
Yes, it was his birthday, he remembered, a birthday he spent in a dungeon, punished for asking a simple cake for his day. He didn't understand what was wrong with asking to have one on his birthday. He was sure his friends had a cake of their favorite flavor when it was their birthday.
But then, his father hit him when he asked for one. It only meant one thing for a child like him.
It was wrong.
And, as expected from a little innocent being, he believed him and everything his father told him.
But that same day, when night crept upon their house, signaling a nearing end to his supposed special day, his father visited him, carrying a single book that he had no idea would change his future.
He could remember that night very clearly among any other nights he had with him.
"It's yours Draco. I want you to keep it. Learn it. Live it. Know every word in every page. You'll only have use to me when you master all the spells I will teach you."
He thought he finally found a purpose for his life... the key that would lead him to the heart of his father...
"Yes, father. I won't fail you this time."
He could recall the way he wanted to make his father proud of him... the way he desperately wanted and craved to be loved.
He could remember the way his father looked at him then: disgusted, angry, and repulsed.
He wondered now how he never saw what his father was doing to him... what he was....
Abruptly, his hand fisted at a loose rock and heaved at it into the forest, making a loud crushing sound stabbing through the loud bellows of the storm, leaving a distinct echo through the winding trees. His breathing became shallow, ragged, as his fury came spreading across his chest.
He could see the words before his eyes, as if that maledict book was just held before him.
The Book of Demise and Time
What kind of a father would think a book of death and time manipulation would be an appropriate gift for his eight-year-old son?
Hissing curses, he rapped his head again at the tree, forcing himself to calm down. He had to think of the book, not the person who gave it to him.
It will do him no good now to think of Lucius Malfoy and all of the monstrosities he had done to him.
It wouldn't do him any good if he put all the blame of his mistakes, stupidities, and his errors he ever committed in his life on a person whose worth is nothing more but a pile of dust from a corpse.
But then again, there wouldn't be any need to search for the book--or even study it--for that matter.
He knew there was only one way to undo any kind of spell or potion written there... specifically on that cursed book. It was one of the reasons it amazed him before, when he didn't know better than to torture people he thought was of insignificant value.
Now, he could see that all the torturing he had done in his lifetime was starting to take its toll on him, slowly eating up and deteriorating the life he had built from ruins to a new wreckage.
He needed only one thing to avoid that now... before everything was too late for him and those people he loved the most...
... a sacrificial lamb....
Closing his eyes in surrender, he leaned back to the tree and turned his face to the angry heavens once again.
He knew there was no other way to save her... the only one that ever mattered to him...
He knew this fate of his has always been inevitable... always been at bay, creeping behind him to jump at him at the right time...
And now... he knew...
... that by only giving his life would things come back to the way they were... the way they should be...
Sighing out a breath, he didn't hear the way his lungs shuddered and heaved out a soft sob that seemed to be trapped in him for years and years of his life... He was always taught to hold back any type of emotion, to keep any sign of 'weakness' hidden.
But then, he didn't realize the tears falling down his cheeks, fusing with the cold rain that poured down over him...
"I couldn't even imagine a fifth year student could pull off a spell like that." Hermione laughed hysterically, her eyes tearing up. She'd been chattering the whole night about the most trivial things she observed that day, almost forgetting the food on her plate. She fumbled with it using her fork, her other hand flying all over the place as she narrated her experiences when she roamed and toured Hogwarts for the morning and the afternoon. She sat in on some classes, met new people, new professors. She reminisced about her own schooling days, having them her only stock of memory besides her most recent ones after waking up in that hospital bed...
Then, just like a ghost, his face would flash in her mind, a crooked smile playing on his incredibly perfect lips....
She paused a moment, trying to cut off that line of thought. It surprised her how he even manages to stop her heart with just the thought of him. Talk about veering to obsession. "I was even more surprised that most students seem to enjoy their classes now. I can remember most of our class hating every moment of it."
"Yes, well, except for you, though." Ron interjected, chuckling at the thought. He glanced again at her plate, noting she hadn't taken a single bite of her beef curry until now, and quickly turned his eyes back to hers. It worried him how she worried about Malfoy. It seemed like she won't eat or sleep unless she was assured he was doing the same...
She stabbed a piece of asparagus with her fork, lifted it a degree higher towards her mouth, then lowered it again as her face lit up. Ron almost huffed out a breath audibly in mere disappointment.
Hermione noticed his restraint. But then, decided to play dumb. "I can remember once when you enjoyed every moment of a potions class. Your hormones were on hyper drive back then and you complained about not ever having a partner during experiments with the opposite gender." She laughed again, sipping restlessly at her pumpkin juice. She only managed a hundredth of an ounce of it before putting it back down on the table. "Too bad you only had Pansy Parkinson for a partner."
Ron almost choked on his food at the mention of the name, turning beet red as he remembered the little accident that morning. He had been right about his leg. She left a bruise on him., and a big one at that.
Remembering the phone booth, he almost turned his tomato face to a wince, already forgetting his embarassing encounter with Pansy, now remembering the motive he had for actually being there that morning.
He promised he wouldn't lie ever again to Hermione, still keeping in mind the damage he almost caused when he thought he was doing the right thing years and years ago.
He didn't have the right to control over things then--and now.
Sighing, he sipped his own juice to wash down the clinging food in his throat, and decided to tell her what she wanted to know--but on one condition.
He'd only tell her the things she asked and he knew about.
Otherwise, it was risky to assume anything. Especially if he was the one assuming, himself.
Look where it got him before.
Noting Ron's nonresponsive behavior, Hermione fidgeted, and forced herself to relax her nagging nerves.
He noticed her discomfort at the silence despite the splattering rain, and decided to break it himself in a desperate attempt to change subjects. "It is quite a rainy weather we have today, isn't it?"
"I noticed." Hermione played along, not knowing how to gauge the conversation to the one person she was thinking about the whole cursed day--the one who was missing at their dinner table this certain moment. Today would have been an exciting and simple day for her--she was sure of it--if the circumstances were different. But, as expected, the day became slow, draggy and lifeless without him.
How did things come to be this way?
Ron sliced another piece of beef curry before speaking. "I was lucky enough to avoid the rain during--" He paused, cursing himself for unconsciously coming back to the topic he was trying to avoid. "--my morning stroll..."
"Did you have fun?"
"Yes. Very much. Have you noticed the new towers near the astronomy tower? I was almost afraid they will make them higher than--"
No. She couldn't keep up with this anymore. "Ron."
Ron grimaced, knowing she had had enough of his evasions. "Did you see the quidditch practice match this morning?"
"Ron!"
"What?"
He was trying to act innocent, she was sure of that. "You had me talking the whole time. You know how I chatter nonstop."
He grinned sheepishly. "It has its benefits."
"Ron!"
"All right! All right." He sighed, setting his fork aside. "Enough with these mind games. It's exhausting me to death."
She fought the urge to laugh at that, and forced her face to remain hard. "Did you see him today?"
"Er... who?"
She closed her eyes as she blew out through her nose. She didn't notice how difficult it was even to say his name. "Who else, Ronald?"
He refused to wince at that. "Hm?"
"Draco!"
"Easy, Herm." Ron was amused at how she morphed from a gullible chatterbox to a demandingly, suspicious female. "Now who's on hormone hyper drive?"
She huffed out another sigh. "Sorry. Becoming very pregnant-ish lately. Morning sickness is still getting worse--if that's even possible."
Ron smiled at her. "You'll get the hang of it. I bet you'll miss that after, like Ginny."
She scowled. "I can't even imagine feeling that."
"Uhhuh." He laughed, then cleared his throat, now gauging himself for the worse part. "Now, about your husband..."
She leaned closer to him in anticipation. "Did you see him? I haven't seen him the whole day. Well..." Her voice dropped to a whisper, remorse dripping abundantly. "Not since last night, actually. I bet he hasn't eaten anything since then." Her eyes widened in worry. "Oh Ron, I swear on your last month's paycheck he hadn't eaten a single thing at all. He'd forget... He always forge--"
"Hermy." Ron interrupted, lowering his voice to soothe. "Malfoy can sometimes be stupid about taking care of himself. But I bet he can handle anything you toss at him."
She looked down at her hands, played with her fingers. "Well... you know about our fights... How can he avoid me like this? How can he--" She stopped herself, forcing the prying tears to mellow down.
Feeling the hints of panic crawling in his belly, Ron tried to smile and touched her hand to pat. "Hermione. Fights usually end up having the two parties concerned avoid each other in a span of time..." Well... maybe that wasn't as comforting as he intended. "But there's no guarantee that he actually is avoiding you. He may be out there now dealing with the stuff he does. We all know he's a busy man...." Merlin, he sucked at this.
Staring at him in disbelief, Hermione shook her head and wiped quickly at the tears she couldn't take a hold on. "Wow. That wasn't actually helpful." She laughed, but it didn't quite reach her eyes. "But you're right. I guess you're right. Well..." She glanced up to him again. "Did you see him then? I asked Lowry where he was but he wasn't anywhere here in Hogw--"
Out of guilt with making things worse, he decided to blurt out the truth directly. "Yes, I saw him."
She paused a moment, calming herself. Just hearing a witness of someone seeing him made her stomach jitter and do cartwheels. "How was he? Where was he?"
"He's fine." Hardly. "I saw him just near the Office of the Ministry."
She frowned then, not knowing anything about that. "What was he doing there? Was someone with him?"
Oh boy. He sighed, and told himself to be as honest as possible. "I saw a few Professors. And the head of the ministry, of course--"
"What would he be doing there with them?" Hermione insisted, feeling the heat steaming off her body. She had heard of talks about Professor Dumbledore, McGonagall, and Snape being away during the morning. She didn't think much about it, then.
Huh. I should have known something was fishy.
Ron thought about it. "Well... that, I wouldn't know. I tried to speak to hi--"
"You spoke to him and you didn't tell me?"
"An attempt to converse with another is different from actually conversing with them, Hermy. Besides, he didn't say anything crucial." He couldn't bring himself to tell her about his special request to leave him alone. He himself didn't even know what to make out of that.
Hell, he'd been haunted by his face almost the whole day with the way he looked, exhausted, angry, pained....
"For once in your life, Weasley..." Malfoy told him, his voice suddenly weak against the hissing rain. "Leave me be."
Suddenly miffed, Ron crossed his arms, frowned, and made a decision.
Screw him. And screw my fallible assumptions.
"I think you should look for him, Hermione."
She narrowed her eyes at him, suddenly becoming suspicious again. "Think so?" She studied him again. "You're hiding something from me."
He didn't answer first, thinking of a way to state his point in the most simplest manner. He knew she wouldn't miss anything. Especially when it comes to him. "Not exactly, no. What I can tell you is that something is wrong."
Hermione pushed her chair back and stood on her feet. "What do you mean?"
"You better calm yourself down first."
"I am perfectly calm, thank you." Hermione retorted, leaning down on the table. "I know you're hiding something from me. Now spill."
Ron looked at her now, trying to hold back a smile.
She was every inch of a wife as she was human. "I don't know any specifics. All I know is something's wrong. And that you should find him."
Her face distorted into a hopeless grimace, slumping herself back on her chair. "But I don't know where he'll be at this particular hour. Or any hour, actually." She glanced at the window, feeling more hopeless with the unforgiving storm outside.
Ron smirked at her. "You of all people would have the best guess."
Frowning at that, she thought of all the possible places he could go to. She couldn't help it but think that there were endless options... impossibly wide ranges of possibilities for him to choose... especially with his infinite sources of transportation....
"I don't know, Ron." She pressed at her temples, beginning to feel the ache there. "He can be anywhere."
"Think of all the places he went to since you arrived. He might be somewhere near Hogsmeade. Or even in the forest around Hagrid's little cottage. Or--"
"Forest?"
Ron watched her as she stared back at him.
She sat quietly still for a moment, a very recent memory striking her, one that she made just two nights ago the same time as tonight....
She can remember how she smiled then, when she recognized that shadow of his, that swagger of his, that built of his. He stopped then, staring out into the darkness, watching quietly as the trees swayed from side to side through a dance synchronized with the winds...
The Forest...
Bolting from her chair, she ran to her wardrobe and grabbed her robes and an umbrella. She was so sure now. Somehow she was sure he was there.
"I'll chat with you later, then?" Ron asked, standing up from his chair, watching her fumble with the sleeves of her robes. "I'll just be in my room."
Pausing to look at him, Hermione smiled, nodding. "Thank you, Ron. I'll see you later."
"Oh, Hermione."
She turned to him as she held the door halfway open. "Hm?"
"Be careful out there."
Listening to her hurrying footsteps rummaging the hall, Ron only shook his head and walked after her to the door to prepare for bed.
She was running, she knew. She tried to slow down her pace, but couldn't help being frantic about lost seconds. Even with her umbrella, the rain still dampened her, the mean wind directing them towards her.
But she couldn't care about that anymore, especially when she knows he was out there... under this malicious storm... possibly ignorant of his own hunger... and numb from coldness. She would give him a good lecture for being stupid again, for being so careless about himself. He should know it drives her crazy to have him risking his health... his life... because of her.
Merlin... She couldn't forget his face last night.... the way his eyes suddenly turned dull... the way shock swamped across his face.
She had driven him away... she knew that. She drew him away even if she promised she wouldn't.
And now, she hurt him, and how much, she couldn't entirely say.
He was so rarely shocked, and it was almost impossible to, that seeing his face last night gave him power to hunt her as if he was tatooed in her mind.
Merlin... she didn't mean to dismiss him like that... to hurt him the way she did last night....
Bloody hell... How did it all come to this?
She scanned the forest, the sudden lightning giving her a momentary glimpse of her surroundings. Everything seemed quiet... too quiet... except for the roars and hisses of the storm around her.
I didn't want to hurt him... I didn't mean to hurt him... I should have just told him the truth... And tell him everything.
She stumbled to a rock, only managing to catch herself on a tree. She pushed at it and continued to run.
Why can't he see that I love him? That it wouldn't make a difference? That I have fallen head first for him, for possibly the second time? Damn it, Draco, I love you. Come back to me...
She could feel her breathing rush in and out of her, her heart suddenly jumping all over her chest. You're so stupid to think I'd regret loving you... being with you...
She suddenly heard a sound, as if a rock was thrown against a tree bark. Following her gut, she turned to that direction, her chest burning with all the emotions in her colliding and washing through her...
She didn't know she was starting to sob, cry, helpless from the longing she was feeling now.
I don't care anymore.... I don't care.
A tree grabbed at her umbrella, almost yanking it from her grip. Furiously pulling it back with all of her strength, she continued to run, pushing desperately against the obstructing branches, ignoring the scratches on her arms and her face.
I don't care if I can't remember anything anymore... I don't care even if I don't have any of those memories....
She wanted to scream his name, but her throat was choking her with all the tears that were escaping her eyes...
You're enough for me, Draco. Having you is enough....
Please... just come back to me....
At the flash of lightning, she swore she saw something golden glint back from afar. She hastened more than she could manage, stumbling herself a few times, ignoring the fresh cuts on her knees, just to see clearly through the storm.
But then, as another thunder stroke, she saw that same shade of gold amidst the browns and greens of the forest.
Taken aback by her vivid relief, she urgently gulped for air to say his name...
"Draco!" She called, now certainly sure, her voice muffled by the roars of the skies.
She couldn't take her eyes away from his face, still running and running as if her life depended on it, afraid that he'll melt away with the flowing rain....
He stayed still as he was,feeling the exhaustion drain every drop of energy from him. He wanted to get up from the muddy ground, away from the rain, but as he slowly opened his eyes, gray shadows started to dominate the corners of his sight. He tried again, and was surprised to see a figure from afar rushing to his direction, alerting him abruptly. He attempted to narrow his eyes to let his pupils adjust to the darkness, expecting to see a wild creature coming his way.
He could hear its heavy breathing now, its hurrying footsteps....
"Draco!"
Merlin... He laughed weakly at himself, assuming he was hearing voices in his head.
He only stared on as the wild creature stopped a few feet in front of him, its breathing clearly audible now. He closed his eyes, and opened them again, just to be sure of his accuracy as he tried to measure it up.
Its silhouette was thin, but its head seemed big... shaped almost like an umbrella. He thought it weird, and cursed himself for being delusional due to lack of food and sleep.
"Draco..."
He heard the same voice again, and this time, it sounded too close. Slowly standing up, he rubbed at his eyes with his bloody knuckles, staggering to the tree behind him for support, trying to figure out what was happening.
But then, the violent winds blew down through the figure before him in one gush, towards his direction, sending off the umbrella-shaped-thing on the creature's head towards him. Shocked at the wind's force and the mysterious umbrella-shaped-thing that hit him, he pushed at it and stayed still, bewildered by all means.
The figure before him trembled, possibly chilled by the teasing wind. Somehow, he figured it would be a wild animal of some sort, curious with the other life form that was he. It seemed to study him as he tried to, now feeling infuriated with the blur in his sight.
He waited to feel the guarding fear that ought to creep into a person's gut upon encountering a wild animal that has the same size as a human, but was later on disappointed. If it was a young bear--assuming it is standing right now in a defensive stance--it ought to attack him...
Wouldn't that be a convenient way to die?
What such a perfect timing!
And yet again, the winds gushed for the second time. It interrupted the supposed bear's advance towards him, cringing now due to the freezing current.
But then, Draco's body suddenly turned rigid, as the wind that passed his face brought him a scent that he was sure he can identify anywhere...
Sweet... floral... vanilla....
And when he stared at the creature before him, he felt all of his breath leave his lungs in one flux.
"Draco..." Hermione spoke again, her body now trembling in chills caused by the winds. She tried to look at his face, hidden under the shadows of the trees, trying to ignore the streaks of red on his arms and hands. She remembered seeing a broken tree across them that was also stained with red, fanning the fire of her temper now smoldering her.
She couldn't believe he hurt himself like this, let himself be in agony the way he was now... carrying all of the burdens alone....
Better yet, she couldn't believe she let him.
She drifted her gaze to his torn hands, to his blood stained clothes, his glinting soaked hair, and back to his face.
She couldn't help it but feel her heart miss a beat, then scrambled to restart.
She felt the exact moment when he recognized her, the way his face suddenly paled--if it was even possible--his eyes diffusing and widening in the smallest degree, almost unnoticeable.
She only knew his face too well now, always staring at it the whole time when he was with her, dreaming about it when she sleeps, haunting her when he was away.
And after a second, his face turned hard, devoid, contrasting to the fiery rage she saw erupt in his eyes. He stood still--too still--like he was a marble sculpture.
She gazed in his eyes, those beautiful silver eyes she missed drowning in, unmistakably torn between hurt and relief, ignoring the fear from what she saw in them. She wanted to run to him, enclose the space separating them, and just melt in him....
But instead, she tried to smile, and only produced a crooked one.
"Hello."
He didn't answer, nor move a single muscle.
She swallowed for a moment, trying to push back the pain that seeped due to his cold silence, and tried again, wishing to hear his voice. "You didn't come back last night."
He continued to be still.
Her lips trembled against her will and her eyes glistened, feeling these new stabs of hurt in her chest as he just stood there. "I... I waited for you. I waited for you to come back."
His eyes waivered for a moment, then returned to its dull shade, the anger in him climbing up and up to his head....
He didn't want her to see him this way...
... when he was so vulnerable... and in deep need of her....
A tear plopped down her cheek when he didn't answer. He was too quiet... It frightened her. "Why didn't you come back?"
He heard her voice hitch, so full with desperation and pain. He hesitated before he could speak. He wasn't so sure if he can. "Where is Weasley?"
She heard the growl in his voice as he said Ron's name, his hands forming fists again. "I asked you a question fir--"
"Where," He crudely cut her off, his voice raising a degree higher. "... is Weasley?"
"He has nothing to do with this." She answered, now afraid for Ron. She could see the deadly black ball of anger roll out from him.
She only hoped it wouldn't find Ron, before it hurts him.
"I asked him to take care of you." His voice was cool, calm, a stream of velvet for her ears. She knew better than to fall for it. "Why are you here?"
"Why not?" She jutted out her chin in defiance, letting the false courage of her temper face him.
They stared at each other for a moment, measuring each other.
He shook his head then, his face breaking into a pained one, tearing her heart. "You shouldn't be here."
"Stop it."
It stung, he found out, feeling the new punctures in his heart bleed him in agony at the memory of the same words she told him...
"Stop pulling back..." She continued, begged, hearing her own voice hitch again. She tried to calm herself down, wanting to say the words as clearly as possible. "I beg you, please..." She wanted to scold him for hurting himself, argue with him about his reasons...
But... she could no longer stand fighting him... hurting him.
Giving up, she resorted to the truth.
"I don't want to be without you..."
He only stood there, unable to speak.
Dropping all precautions aside, she slowly walked the distance that separated them, watching him as she did. Standing right in front of him, she opened her arms and slowly wrapped him in an embrace.
His body turned rigid with her touch, warm and soft against his cold skin.
She closed her eyes, turned her lips to his ear, and whispered to him. "I love you, Draco Malfoy."
He didn't move.
"I love you..." She ran her hands up his back, combing her fingers through his damp hair. "Come back to me... Please."
He didn't know what to do. He wanted to melt into her, just hold her and feel her warmth. But he couldn't do what he had to do if he let himself be weak… He'd only hurt her in the end.
He would prefer her to be mad at him now than to see her get hurt because of what he was about to do.
He wouldn't be able to bear it if he would see her hurt.
She clutched at his torn shirt, becoming more desperate. He just stood there as if he wasn't there in the shell of his body. She just wanted him to flinch. Or just shrug. She would even be happy if he pushed her away. She could handle anything he did as long as he was responding to her.
But not like this. She couldn't stand him being cold. It hurts more, she now realized, when he treated her as if she wasn't even there.
"Draco…" She didn't know what else to say to reach to him. "I love you."
She felt it. She felt his body suddenly turn liquid into hers, his cold arms snaking around her waist. His buried his face at the crook of her neck. His breath was cool against her skin.
"I love you." She told him again. "Please don't leave me again...."
He breathed her in, drowning himself with her, and let out a sigh. He could feel all of his anger drain from him to the ground, along with the rain. "I'm right here..." He said, his voice suddenly weak… tired. "I'm right here with you."
Utterly moved, she held his face with both her hands, facing him to hers. She wondered if he could hear the way her heart pounded in her chest. "We can stop this... Stop all of this..."
"Hermione—"
"I don't care." She shook her head slowly, closing her eyes when he leaned in to touch his forehead with hers. "I don't care anymore... Let's just go back... pretend none of this happened…."
"But we have to--"
"No. I don't care anymore." She insisted, dwelling every breath he exhaled that caressed her lips. "I can live without my memories."
His hands climbed up from her back, now holding her face. "They're important to you."
She carefully placed her hands on his, feeling the open wounds on them. He seemed to have forgotten they were there, only seeing nothing but her.
At this realization, she felt her heart suddenly swell in love, in pain, in longing. She wanted to tell him everything and more… how he makes her feel… how much she loves him. But no words seemed to be able to portray them for her. She was never left speechless to what she wanted to say before. She could always say what was on her mind and what she feels.
But damn it, she doesn't know what words to say to him… to show him that… "… You're more important to me. More than anything else."
He stared at her for a moment, his lips twitching to a small smile.
"Let's go back. Leave this place. Make new memories with our lives now." She opened her eyes to look at him as she felt her body vibrating, verging to break down. "Nothing else matters."
He wanted to believe her. More than anything.
But he didn't want her to make such decisions now... for his sake, and regret it later.
They would then dread each other for allowing it.
"Forgive me, Hermione." He whispered, pulling her closer to him in a tight embrace. He could feel her shivering from the cold. "I can't allow that."
She stared back at him, their eyes inches from each other, disbelief evident on her face. "What are you saying?"
"You're doing this out of pity. You shouldn't see me like this." And he cursed himself for being too weak. "I can't allow you to turn back on this because of me. I won't. Allowing it would only be selfish of me. And one day, sooner or later, you'll regret it; when you meet strangers that claim they know you; when you talk with your friends and reminisce about things you cannot possibly remember anymore; when you see your patients and have to read all of their past medical records you have already forgotten;" She was shaking her head at him vigorously. "… when you wonder at night how you ended up having a ring at your finger and having to sleep beside a man you have always known as your enemy for the most of your life."
Tears were spilling over her cheeks, hidden by the rain. "I won't have to wonder, Draco." She couldn't believe what he was trying to say. "Damn it, I love you! That's all there is to it! The others... I can live with them."
"But I can't." He pointed out, his voice turning into a whisper. "It would be selfish of me."
"Selfish?" She almost spat the word, her voice echoing through the forest even with the drumming splatters of the rain. "You have done all unselfish things for me! The only person to be called selfish is me!"
"Hermione." He hummed her name as he leaned back to the tree behind him, pulling her against him, shielding her from the rain. She was still shivering, and he held her closer to soothe her. "You are not selfish. I did all the things I did for you because I caused all of this." She opened her mouth to retort on that, but he didn't give her a chance. "And also, it's because I love you."
She only stared at him, as if she didn't hear what he said. But then, her brows creased into a pained line, and her hands suddenly came to her face as she wept.
He watched her cry in front of him, surprised, and smiled. "Hermione?"
"That's unfair." She tried to pull herself together, her hands still covering her face, muffling her words. "That's a prejudiced argument."
He laughed. "So is yours." He tried to yank her hands away from her face, but she shrugged him off. "Hermione. Don't cry." She shook her head as he tried to peel her hands off again. "C'mon. I can't stand seeing you cry like this when I know I caused it."
She just stood still, her hands on her face, her shoulders shaking from weeping.
Not knowing what to do, he held her shoulders to calm them down, and steered her to his position, putting her between him and the tree. "I'm sorry, love." He kissed the top of her head, caressing her. "Please stop crying." He held her wrists as he kissed her ear. "I know I fucked up as a husband these past few days." He turned and kissed her other ear. "I don't know how you could forgive me…" He tried to pull her hands down, relieved when she gave in. "Especially now that you see I'm a mess." He gazed into her eyes. Grinned. "I'm a mess without you, Granger." He leaned in closer, his lips almost touching hers. "You are my life now."
He claimed her lips slowly, gently. He could feel the fire that he stifled for almost a long time burst into new flames, driving his desperation into maddening greatness.
She felt his urgency as he caressed her face, touching her neck and then grabbing at her hair. Her hands shook as she held his face, as if he would vanish if she held on too tight or too loose.
"Draco." She managed in between breaths. "Draco, please."
He sighed as he tasted her, and gathered all of his will to draw back from her.
Seeing him grin like that made her forget that she was supposed to be arguing with him. Sighing, she touched his cheek, wiping at the blood that stained his skin. "You're maneuvering me, like always."
He tucked a damp lock of her hair behind her ear. "I'm just making my point." He amended.
"Let me make mine." She answered, studying him as she tried to shuffle her thoughts in order. He was still smiling, but she could see he was trying to hide something. Something she couldn't completely fathom. "You tell me you can't live with me wondering about my missing memories..." She took his torn hands and lifted them to her lips. "But, I can't live with having you hurt..."
"They're just scratches." He reasoned. "Wounds heal. You of all people should know that."
She shook her head. "I'm not just talking about physical wounds, Draco." She reached out to him and touched his chest, just above his heart. "What about this?" She tapped his temple with her other hand. "And this? Don't they hurt too?"
"I can handle it." He assured her, his voice strained with the desperate attempt of convincing her. "Trust me with this, Hermione."
"I do. I trust you. With all of my heart. But that doesn't mean I trust you that you won't die when you stab yourself just because you say so."
He raised a brow at that. "Are you telling me that all I'm saying is a complete bogus?"
"Partly, yes." She smiled at him, encircling her arms around his neck. He was about to answer her, but she shook her head. "It's useless to argue with me."
They stared at each other, letting the rain wash over them. Words seemed to drift from them and the sounds of the forests took over.
"Hermione…" How could he tell her what must be done? How could he explain? "Just trust me. I can fix this."
"You don't have to." She insisted. "Why can't you let that go?"
When he didn't answer, she was sure she was losing him again.
"Stay with me." She knew she was begging, but she didn't care less. She's willing to lose all dignity just to stop all of this. Stop him. "Please."
He wanted to say yes. Scream it with his entire lungs.
But he couldn't. He mustn't.
For her. He thought, closing his eyes. All for her.
"You have to go back." He said, his voice deceivingly calm.
"Yeah. We better get out of this rain. You need to be tended too."
"Hermione."
She was pulling at him by the hand, dragging him through the forest to the clearing. "I think Madame Pomfrey's still up. She could take a look at you."
"I'll take you to your room."
She jerked to a stop and turned to him. "My room. It's your room too."
He lifted her hand in his and kissed it. "I love you. I'm sorry."
"What are you saying?"
He couldn't help it but tighten his hold on her hand before he let her go. "I'll see you soon."
She opened her mouth to question him what he was saying. But before she could even begin, she heard him mutter something under his breath. Startling her, her head suddenly throbbed and the ground seemed to be lifted from under her. Gray shadows lurked the sides of her vision, making her struggle to concentrate on his face.
"Draco…" She felt like she was choking as her body started to vanish. "Don't… Don't do this."
He couldn't say anything more. "I'm sorry."
A second later, she was surrounded by darkness, disorienting her in every way. When she realized she was lying on her back, she sat up and choked to say his name.
"Draco?" Her voice hitched, her eyes finally adjusting to the dark. She recognized the bed under her. The curtains and the shelves.
She was back to their room, just as he promised.
She felt the tears stinging in her eyes, threatening to fall.
But before she could hold them back, she let her body fall to the bed, holding on to the pillow beside her, her sobs echoing the emptiness of the room.
He was gone again.
She was all alone.
A/n: See you all soon for the next update! :D