Hey, I'm sorry for the long wait but I;ve just being going through problems. This chapter will help vent out my problems and Angies. If you feel the same way, please inbox me and I'll happily talk to you :) No matter what. The song is King for a day by Pierce the veil. It really helped me, but I still have a long way to go. Remember the climb is always hard but the view is beautiful.

Angie

I gripped tightly on my mug and rubbed at my sore, puffy eyes. My heart was trapped in my throat and I was slowly choking on it. My eyes stung. My stomach felt heavy and spun like a washing machine. I felt like shit. I felt alone. Scared. Pathetic. Worthless even. God, why do I feel so alone? It was like I was trapped. I was trapped no matter where I went. Why would they leave? Surly they would come back... Of course they wouldn't. They realised that I was a failure. Like everyone has. Alex thought I was a failure. My friends left me. My family left me. Alone. When I'm alone the sadness came crashing down harder and harder. I deserve it. I deserve everything I get. I dont deserve happiness or help. I was just a shell of my former self. My body moved through the day like nothing happened but my mind was somewhere else. I was on autopilot. My body continued living but my brain was dead. My feelings whirled around. If I told them not to go, they wouldn't have disappeared. It's all my fault. It always is. It's my fault I've lost Hank. Sean- Alex. Oh god, Alex. I've lost everyone. It's all my fault. Maybe it's punishment. I deserve this. I deserve to-

"Angie?" There. Oh god. Why do they still pretend to care. No one does. I'm worthless. Pathetic. Stupid. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Oh so selfish and worthless. "It's not your fault" It is. It always is. Everywhere I go, people die. People get sad. People get angry. People hate me. Everyone hates me. "Don't beast yourself over it honey" Nadia placed her hand on my shoulder. My hands trembled. They tend to do that a lot. Lack of sleep? Crying myself to sleep? Ha. What sleep? I don't sleep. All I see is disapointment. Everyone is ashamed of me. Even Alex. That's why he left. "Let's get some dinner honey and we can talk-"

I stood up and scraped my chair back. I was trapped. Trapped. Trapped like a broken bird. My eyes stung. Oh they stung. They hurt. Everything ached and hurt. The stinging just made the sadness go away for a few seconds. It always comes back. It always does. It will never go away. "I'm not hungry. Don't wait up." My body left the room, my mind was... well it was somewhere else. My throat was closing up. I was drowning in sorrow. Pain and sorrow.

Dare me to jump off of this Jersey bridge
I bet you never had a Friday night like this
Keep it up, keep it up, let's raise our hands
I take a look up at the sky and I see
Red for the cancer, red for the wealthy
Red for the drink that's mixed with suicide
Everything red

Why was I alone? I remember hating being alone when I was a child. I still am a child. A weak child. No. Children were stronger than I am. I am weak. Everyone else is strong. Why was I here? I glanced around, my eyes drained and tired, at the empty clearing. The place where Alex showed me. His special place. Now the clearing was not as beautiful as I remembered. I didn't deserve to look at the fragile flowers growing. I only sat down on the cut down tree trunk and lazily stared down at the weeds. Alone. When I'm alone my sadness crashes down. Harder and harder. Until I feel sufficated.

Please, won't you push me for the last time
Let's scream until there's nothing left
So sick of playing, I don't want this anymore
The thought of you's no fucking fun
You want a martyr, I'll be one
Because enough's enough, we're done

I felt pressured. Pressured. It knocked me down and I felt like utter shit. Again. I scratched my arms as the goosebumps appeared. Reminding me that I always felt alone. I didn't want to be aone. The voice would come back. The voice with higher authority and confidence. It trusted everything it said and so did I. When would Alex come back-

"No one wants you. He doesn't care. They dont care. You dont care. I dont care"

"No" I weakly argued back.

"You're worthless." The word came back to haunt me. It was laced with poison.

"Stop"

"You're ugly. Pathetic. Unwanted. Selfish. You don't deserve love, happiness or support."

"Please stop"

"Scream. Scream. Scream. No one will hear. You're alone. You are a failure. No wonder why everyone left"

I screamed. I screamed and screamed. Still, no one heared. No one heard my pleads. My prayers for everything to stop. No one ever heard. No one ever stopped to try and understand. I was simply a puzzle... all my pieces were lost and fragmented.

You told me think about it, well I did
Now I don't wanna feel a thing anymore
I'm tired of begging for the things that I want
I'm over sleeping like a dog on the floor

I begged. I begged and no one listened. I dont want to feel anything. I was numb. Numb everywhere. A dead soul in a shell. I dont want to feel. Sad. Angry. Ashamed. I was all these. My sorrows and pain could never leave. So I cried. I cried, trying to get my heart out my throat. To stop the stinging in my eyes. To stop the voices. I was back to stage one. A crying mess.

The thing I think I love
Will surely bring me pain
Intoxication, paranoia, and a lot of fame
Three cheers for throwing up
Pubescent drama queen
You make me sick, I make it worse by drinking late

Love? What is love? I've forgotten the feeling. It's felt like years since I had the last laugh. The last cuddle. The last kiss. Now all is heartache. Heartache mixed with tears. Tears of the lost and damned. Was I damned forever. It has felt like forever. Forever lying in my bed, hoping for them to magicaaly waltz in and cuddle me. Telling me they're okay. That I'll be okay. I was being selfish again. I was like a flea- clingy and unwanted.

Scream until there's nothing left
So sick of playing, I don't want to anymore
The thought of you's no fucking fun
You want a martyr I'll be one
Because enough's enough, we're done

Nothing was left. I couldn't scream anymore. Try harder. I couldn't. I simply just gave up. Screaming didn't get rid of the beating lump in my throat. Screaming only made the thumping in my head come back harder, the voices screamed over the thumping creating a pressure in my head. Yet no one helped. So here I lay. On the floor. Alone.

You told me think about it, well I did
Now I don't wanna feel a thing anymore
I'm tired of begging for the things that I want
I'm over sleeping like a dog on the floor

Help me someone. Please.

Imagine living like a king someday
A single night without a ghost in the walls
And if the bass shakes the earth underground
We'll start a new revolution now
(Now! Alright here we go)

They were everywhere. Ghosts. Everywhre. Ghosts on my family. Old friends. New friends.

Hail Mary, forgive me
Blood for blood, hearts beating
Come at me, now this is war!
Fuck with this new beat
Oh!

My heart in my throat stopped being. It was replaced with pain. Searing pain.

Now terror begins inside a bloodless vein
I was just a product of the street youth rage
Born in this world without a voice or say
Caught in the spokes with an abandoned brain
I know you well but this ain't a game
Blow the smoke in diamond shape
Dying is a gift so close your eyes and rest in peace

I closed my eyes. I knew I was going to wake up. Feeling the numb sensation again. Again. Again. And again. I was a product- I was made to have no voice or mind. I was controlled.

You told me think about it, well I did
Now I don't wanna feel a thing anymore
I'm tired of begging for the things that I want
I'm over sleeping like a dog on the floor

I couldn't bare to open my eyes. To have to go back home and stare in the mirror- hating what I see. The horrid scars from battle- Battle with who? Me, myself and I. Of course, I couldn't tell anyone that. Not even Nadia.

Imagine living like a king someday
A single night without a ghost in the walls
We are the shadows screaming take us now

A single night rest. Close your eyes and rest in peace.

We'd rather die than live to rust on the ground
Shit

Wow, that was one of the hardest chapters I've had to write but I feel better now :) Please, if this happens just tell someone. Anyone. Even me. I wish you all well!