Author's Note: Hey guys, as you're reading this chapter just please try to give Lily some space and some understanding. The heart wants what it wants, we all know that.

Disclaimer: Harry Potter belongs to J.K Rowling. Thanks

CHAPTER 36: TANGLES OF DISTRAUGHT

"We're kind of in the middle of something here," Draco said, looking round at the guys who were all huddled together, confused expressions on their faces. He turned back to Lily. "Can't we do this later?"

"No, we can't," she responded in the same serious tone. "I need to speak with you and I need to speak with you now."

Draco swallowed his next words whole and turned back to James, who was shivering against the snow flying everywhere.

"I suppose we'll just…meet you at the Three Broomsticks then…" said Remus to Draco against the awkward silence.

"Yeah, t-that sounds good," said Peter.

"Come on, Jamesy, let's walk," said Sirius, pulling his friend away (with force, too).

Draco stared after them, wishing he could be anyone else other than himself at that moment. Lily waited, arms crossed. When his friends had finally gone, he turned back to her and she gestured for him to follow her. They fought their way through the snow and made it up to the top of the village, with Draco all the while following from behind. Lily finally led him into the owlry where she opened the gate to find two seventh-year Hufflepuffs making out on a bench. They jumped at the sight of her and she sighed deeply.

"Get out," she told them, her voice tired but firm.

They glanced awkwardly at each other and hurried out of the owlry. Draco frowned after them and then turned to Lily.

"Little harsh, don't you think?" he asked, but this statement was thoroughly ignored.

She unwrapped her scarf, which had been bundled up all around her throat, and tossed it on the bench. Then, she took another deep breath and folded her arms in front of her. She looked at Draco. He waited.

"Tell me, Draco, because I'm curious…" she began, "…did you honestly believe that you could treat me like this and I would just let it slide?"

"Huh?"

"We didn't like each other much before, fine. I accepted it. I tried to be your friend and from the very beginning you had your mind already set on hating me, so I gave up trying."

"I don't hate—"

"But things happened between us before the holidays," she interrupted, her tone bitter and cold. She looked at Draco with serious eyes. "Drunken or not, they still happened."

"I know they did…"

Lily closed her eyes and sucked in her breath. "Then how dare you treat me this way after a night like that?"

"I don't know—"

"Walking out of rooms when I arrive," she said, pushing him slightly, "…looking the other way when you see me," another push, "…avoiding saying my name or talking to me about anything casual even—how dare you!"

"What are you—"

"I did nothing to you!" she suddenly shouted. "I do not deserve to be treated this way! You can't just use me like some toy that you play around with and then throw out once you've gotten bored with it. I am not that kind of girl!"

"Wait but I never thought you were!"

"Then what the fuck is up with how you're treating me?!" Draco stared at her, not knowing what to say, and she proceeded to shout, not caring as she continuously gave him weak shoves that practically backed him up against a wall. "How is this fair to me?! Why can't you just be decent to me?! How come Alice gets treated better than I do? Or what about Mary? What about—"

"Lily, I—"

"You can't fucking punish me for how I feel!" Draco swallowed nervously as her eyes filled with tears and her voice started to break. "You…you can't begin to understand how spiteful that is! Why would you want to hurt me like that? How can you be so cruel a-and act like it doesn't matter—it does matter! It…I…"

"Okay, okay, okay," Draco said, suddenly pulling her closer to him and wrapping his arms tightly around her. She breathed deeply into his chest, trying hard to compose herself and stop the tears.

"Shhhhh," Draco said, running his hand gently down the back of her head and simply holding her, giving her a chance to let it all out. "There now…"

They stood like that for what felt like a long time, the various owls around them hooting occasionally and giving them curious looks. Draco started to feel a bit awkward, the way she was holding onto him…as though no one had hugged her in years. He'd never done this with anyone before so he had no idea how long he had to stand there for or whether or not something needed to be said. It started to get cold too because he could feel Lily shivering against him. He gave a small cough, but she held on.

"You just swore at me twice," Draco finally pointed out, his voice soft.

"No I didn't," Lily mumbled into his chest.

"You so did," Draco laughed.

"Oh shut up," she said. Draco laughed nonetheless. She finally pulled away and he looked at her.

"I never thought I'd see the day when you of all people would swear at me."

"There's a first for everything," Lily muttered, wiping some of her tears away. Draco grew serious again.

"I'm sorry," he said to her gently, finally realizing just how much he'd hurt her by all of this. Until now, his mind had only been filled with how it was affecting him and his friends, but never how it was affecting her.

"I never wanted to hurt you," he promised, looking right into her eyes. "Of course that's not my intention."

"Then why?" she whispered.

"I…you can't understand it…" his voice trailed off as her expression changed and he sighed again. "I'm not good at this kind of stuff…"

"What, being friends?" Lily said in between hysterics and laughs.

"With you! Yes!" Draco cried. Lily pulled away from him slowly, a frown on her face.

"Look Lily, I'd like to be friends. I would. But it's not that simple!"

"Why not?"

"Because of James!" Draco yelled out. He ran a hand through his hair, brushing some of the snow off and bit on his lip. "Because…because of Severus!"

"They don't get to decide who I'm friends with," Lily whispered, shaking her head slowly.

"But I get to decide who I'm friends with," Draco said more calmly, now slipping his hands into his pockets. "And I've chosen to be their friend. Both of them." He took another deep breath. "And I can't just have friendship with you without jeopardizing friendship with them."

There was a pause.

"And that night?" Lily whispered without looking directly at him.

Draco thought for a minute. "That night was very enjoyable for myself, I won't deny that…" he lowered his voice to barely more than a whisper. "But it was a drunken mistake. And…and it can't happen again. You know that it can't."

Lily nodded, wiping some of her tears away. "No you're right…" she looked at him finally, "…it really can't."

"Are you okay?" Remus asked for the fourth time since they'd sat down.

Draco looked up from his untouched lunch plate. "Yeah, I'm fine."

"You've hardly eaten," Peter pointed out.

The boys were sitting in a private booth at the Three Broomsticks. It was heavily snowing out and they each had hot drinks beside their plates. James was sitting with his arms crossed, having barely eaten too. Sirius was next to him, looking thoroughly annoyed about something, and Remus and Peter just looked mighty worried.

Suddenly, out of the blue, James leaned forward and Draco met his eyes instantly.

"I've gotta ask…" he said quietly.

Draco took a nervous breath. "She just wanted to talk, that's all."

"About what?"

The boys all looked at Draco. He thought for a minute. Did he really want to betray Lily after he'd already clearly hurt her? But then again, these were his friends…

"She just wanted to make sure I wasn't mad at her or anything," he finally mumbled. It was true anyway.

"Why would she think you were mad at her?" James asked, frowning.

"I dunno," Draco shrugged, but James still waited for an answer, so he promptly added, "I guess I've been avoiding her…"

"But why?"

"Out of respect to you."

There was silence.

"I never asked you to do that," James finally said, all the boys watching him. They turned their heads back to Draco.

"I know," Draco said awkwardly, "But I also knew that it had to be done."

James did not say another word for the rest of lunch. After they'd finished, Sirius pulled them all into a sweets shop and instantly began to stock up. They bumped into several of their classmates in there and advised each other on which sweets to get. They spent most of the afternoon there, which was just as well, seeing as how it was snowing terribly out. Just about an hour before they'd decided to head back to the castle however, Regulus showed up.

"I was with Severus, we were just buying a couple of things," he explained when Draco had asked him what he was doing there.

The pair of them moved away from the crowd without anyone taking notice. Regulus leaned against a wall with his back and folded his arms in front of him.

"How are you doing, Drake? You didn't look so well the last time I saw you."

"I'm fine," Draco said, his own hands in his pockets. He then smirked. "And when did we lose the o in my name?"

Regulus smirked back.

"How about you?" Draco asked. "How are classes going?"

"Pretty well," said Regulus casually. "The professors are grilling us though."

"Yeah, us too." Draco looked down at his feet. "Have you heard anything from your little friends from the wedding?"

It took a while for Regulus to respond, so Draco dared to look up at him and found his friend standing there, puzzled, arms no longer folded.

"Why are you asking me that?" he finally answered.

Draco managed a casual shrug. "Just curious…have they reached out to you since you got back?"

Regulus hesitated. "Well…yeah, I mean…one of them sent me a letter a couple of days ago."

"Huh," said Draco, looking at his feet again. "And what did it say?"

"Just stuff…" said Regulus, slightly offended. "Like…they were wishing me a good term and telling me to study well and good luck on the OWLs and all that…"

"Cool," Draco said, nearly choking on the word. He moved to stand by the wall just next to Regulus and observed his classmates in the shop.

James looked a little more enthused now and slightly better than he did during lunch. Sirius was showing him a packet of something apparently amusing because the pair of them were sniggering like idiots. And Remus was with Peter on the other side of the shop, seemingly arguing about something.

"How's your research going?" Regulus suddenly said, causing Draco to turn his head to look at him.

"What?"

"You know, with that book from the Malfoys'…any luck on figuring it out?"

"Oh," said Draco, looking away from him again. "Um it turned out to be somethin' stupid, wouldn't even bother with it anymore…"

"Shame, that," said Regulus with a sigh. "So you got rid of it then?"

"Mhm," said Draco, his eyes back on his friends.

"But you still have my book, yeah?"

Draco nodded. "I'll get it back to you soon. I'm still not done with it."

"What's this, Draco Black is intrigued by a dark arts book?!" said Regulus, smirking. "I think something is happening to the universe."

"Shut up," Draco said, smirking back.

After Hogsmeade, the boys returned to their common room and sprawled on the carpet in front of the fireplace to keep warm. It was still storming out and it didn't look like it would stop anytime soon, so any chances of a Quidditch practice were definitely out, much to James's chagrin. Still though, it was a fairly calm afternoon, which was all Draco could hope for. A couple of seventh-years in the common room decided it would be wise to open up a couple of newspapers, and thus instantly got into a heated debate regarding the war, the contents of which deeply frightened the eavesdropping younger Gryffindors.

Having had too much of it, Sirius rolled his eyes and cracked open a deck of cards again. James and Draco happily joined him for a game, while Peter snoozed on the couch nearby and Remus sat with him, at the same time catching up on some reading.

But soon, sooner than Draco had hoped, it was dinnertime. And then, just in the blink of an eye, dinner was over and it was time for him to bid farewell to the marauders and head on up to the headmaster's tower. It was with dread that he made the long journey up to Dumbledore's door and knocked three times on it, as he did every Saturday night. And when he came in, as usual, Dumbledore was sitting at his desk with both hands crossed in front of him.

"Have a seat," he said to Draco kindly.

Draco crossed over to the center of the large, circular office and slid into his usual spot. He placed his wand on the table in front of him and looked at Dumbledore.

"How are you?" he asked him.

"Not bad," Draco admitted. "It was a long week though."

"Anything interesting happen?"

Draco paused. "No, not much."

"Well, care to share a little more?" said Dumbledore casually.

Draco sighed. "There were classes. I went to them."

"I see," said Dumbledore, smiling. "And?"

"And they assigned homework. I did it."

Dumbledore tilted his head slightly. "Has Mr. Potter not spoken with you yet about Quidditch?"

Draco raised his eyes to meet Dumbledore's.

"W-what?"

"He came to see me to discuss some concerns that players in other teams have expressed, regarding your unofficial involvement with the team."

"And?" Draco said, sitting up. "What happened?"

Dumbledore paused. "Well, I reminded him that Professor McGonagall is more in charge of activities such as Quidditch…" Draco sighed, "…however, I also assured him that I am well aware of the rules of Quidditch set by Hogwarts and that there is no such rule that forbids you from participating and assisting as an unofficial member."

"That's exactly what I thought!" Draco cried.

"Fair enough," said Dumbledore with a nod.

At that moment, Fawkes flew up to Dumbledore and landed right in front of him. Dumbledore began to pet him, with his eyes still on Draco. Draco hesitated.

"When did James have the time to go see you?"

"This morning, before the Hogsmeade visit," said Dumbledore simply. "I am surprised he did not tell you."

"So am I," Draco mumbled.

Dumbledore leaned forward again. "Well then, if there is nothing you should wish to discuss further, let us not bounce around the subject at hand. We shall begin with the very first basic concept to learn when it comes to fiendfyre." Draco sat up again, ears in tune, mind alert.

"Theory…" Dumbledore began.

"How was it?" Peter asked when Draco crawled in through the portrait hole nearly two hours later.

"Tiring," Draco said truthfully. He'd had to grasp far too much information that night and wasn't sure much of it would stay.

"You look like hell," Sirius observed.

"Well thank you very much," Draco said sarcastically, taking a seat on the couch.

He pulled his feet up on the table and sighed deeply. Everyone who was still in the common room was too busy with their own activities to notice his arrival, except for the marauders of course. But they all looked evidently more tired than they had two hours before. It looked like it would be an early night for all of them. So much for a weekend of fun.

"Are you okay?" Remus asked Draco.

"Huh?" Draco said, looking at him.

"You look like you're falling asleep, why don't you head up?"

The other boys turned their heads in Draco's direction and nodded their agreement.

"You…you guys aren't tired?" Draco observed.

"Nah, I'm good to go for another couple of hours," said Sirius, shrugging.

"Yeah, same here," James agreed.

"But…" said Draco, barely present in the room anymore.

He bid the boys farewell and shifted past various Gryffindors scattered about the common room until he reached the spiral staircase. Once upstairs, he looked at the boys one last time by the fireplace, then let himself into the dormitory.

His initial thought was to put on pajamas and collapse on his bed. He even started heading towards his trunk. But just as he reached the edge of his bed, a new thought forced itself into his mind and he suddenly dived for the nightstand and pulled out the Tom Riddle notebook. He closed all the curtains in the room and lit a couple of candles so that he would be able to see. Then, double checking that the marauders were in fact still downstairs, he sat cross-legged on his bed with quill and ink bottle in hand, and flipped open the book.

Why fiendfyre? was the first thing the notebook asked once Draco explained what happened with his lesson from Dumbledore.

Dumbledore seems to think it will help if I know all kinds of advanced magic, even in the darkest forms. I think it's a stupid idea and probably a waste of time since I'll most likely not get it, but he's the boss so unfortunately what he says goes.

He waited a minute.

You should give Dumbledore more credit than that. He knows what he is doing.

Draco frowned down at the notebook. That was the first time it had ever praised Dumbledore in that way.

I thought Tom Riddle and Dumbledore didn't get along when he was in school, he wrote.

They didn't, the notebook wrote back. Draco waited a while. And then…

But that doesn't mean that Tom didn't admire Dumbledore. He learned a lot from him and Dumbledore was the one who brought him to Hogwarts personally.

Draco hadn't known that last bit. He waited some more.

Tom didn't like admitting it to people but he told me everything. And nonetheless, his differences with Dumbledore only grew in numbers after Tom left Hogwarts.

What did he do? Draco wrote.

He worked at Borgin and Burke's for some time, selling and collecting antique valuables from insisting wizards. I think Dumbledore disapproved because he'd always hoped Tom would go into work at the ministry. But the ministry never appealed to Tom.

Why is that? Draco asked.

Because Tom knew he could do so much more with his life than some book-cluttered, dusty old office with a small window.

Draco smiled to himself. He knew the feeling.

What are you looking into doing after Hogwarts? the notebook suddenly asked.

Draco thought for a minute. He honestly had no answer to that question and he knew that as the time passed, more and more people would ask it and eventually he would have to give them an answer.

I'm not sure yet, he wrote. My arrival at Hogwarts wasn't exactly traditional.

Meaning?

Draco hesitated. It's just complicated, that's all.

He dipped the quill in some more ink and thought for a minute, then moved it closer to the page and was just about to write too when some more writing suddenly appeared on the page. He stopped instantly to read it.

Tell me more about Tom, Draco. I feel a certain closeness to him—a connection, perhaps leftover from him writing in me for so long and no one else ever writing in me after.

Alright, Draco wrote. What do you want me to tell you?

Everything, the book declared.

Well obviously I didn't know Tom when he was in school or after he graduated. I only met him when he was already a grown adult and by then he'd accumulated the title of most notorious, feared wizard our world has known, probably since Gallert Grindelwald.

Draco watched as the letters disappeared into the pages, leaving them blank and smooth, wondering whether he should've said all of that but at the same time strangely feeling like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders.

Did Tom ever acquire fame through his travels and his work?

Draco frowned. Not only did he acquire fame, but he became the most feared wizard. People actually feared saying his name. They just called him the Dark Lord for the longest time.

There was a pause.

You speak in the past tense. Does he not still claim the title?

Draco hesitated. Yes, he does.

He is not dead?

More hesitation. No, he is not dead.

Draco started to feel weirder now, as a strong, unwelcoming sensation filled the pit of his stomach. He sat back on his bed and stared down at the diary. He supposed he could understand some of the curiosity that the diary claimed, seeing as how he himself was curious too. But he was a person. This was a notebook. A notebook without feelings and thoughts. Somehow, he didn't feel all to well about this now.

But still, as the notebook continued to write to him, praising him for his work on the animagus and asking him more questions about how he was studying and what he was planning to do with his life…it was like the notebook actually did have feelings and thoughts. Like it cared.

And if he was being really honest with himself, Draco felt really good about that. It wasn't judgmental caring like Dumbledore's. Sure, the marauders cared, but they didn't know the half of it. They had no idea what Draco's life was truly like, and it wasn't like he could suddenly just confide in them. Well, neither did the notebook, but this was different. It didn't exactly know Draco's true identity, but it acted like it did, which was the next best thing.

And what about Tom? He never talked about his family to you?

Tom grew up in an orphanage, rather like yourself. I think if he was in school with you, the pair of you would have been good friends.

I doubt that, Draco wrote without thinking. I'm in Gryffindor.

The notebook took its time answering that one, and Draco was almost starting to regret it, until he finally saw the ink forming on the page.

I never would have guessed.

Really? Draco thought. It made him smile.

You write like a true Slytherin, the notebook elaborated momentarily. One hat's opinion does not a future make.

Draco frowned. He was just about to ask the notebook another question about Voldemort, when suddenly the door to the dormitory banged open and Draco jumped, sliding the notebook as far down the bed as he possibly could so that it was covered.

"What?!" he snapped before he realized who had come into the room.

"Sorry," said Peter in a quiet voice, standing in the doorway and fiddling with his fingers nervously. "Are…are you okay?"

Draco, whose eyes were bulging and wide, looked from Peter to the hidden notebook and then around the room once.

"Um yeah," he said, looking back to Peter, "I'm fine. What…what are you doing here?"

"I wanted to make sure you were okay," Peter said, his voice still small.

"I'm fine, Peter," said Draco restlessly. All he really wanted was for his friend to just get out so that he could continue on with his conversation. It was an important one too.

"You're not sleeping?" said Peter.

"Clearly," Draco snapped.

Peter looked at him with hurt eyes. "The guys wanted to see if maybe you'd want to join us for poker."

"What guys?" said Draco, his eyes on the hidden notebook beneath the pile of blankets on his bed.

"All of us," said Peter, "A-and Frank and his friends too. They're all inviting you."

"Right now?" said Draco, eyebrows raised.

Peter nodded slowly, a worried look on his face. "D-Draco, are you sure you're alright?"

Draco looked round at the notebook one last time. He knew it was stupid, but he really just wanted to sit there and write. But then he looked at Peter again, standing in the doorway, looking smaller than ever.

This was a tougher decision to make than he ever would have thought.

"Right," said Draco finally, though it pained him to say it. "Yeah, I'll come."

"Really?" said Peter, his face brightening up instantly.

Draco grumbled something unintelligible as he slid off the bed and pulled on an extra sweater, suddenly feeling cold. He bought himself some time with it though so he could casually slip more layers over the spot on the bed where the notebook was now hiding. With his back turned to Peter, he also put the quill and ink bottle away as sneakily as he possibly could. Then, blowing out some of the candles, he turned around to find Peter still standing in the doorway, waiting.

"Alright let's go," Draco said, following him out.

The common room was completely empty now, with just the marauders and Frank and the guys all huddled near the fireplace on the floor, drinks already in everyone's hands and cards everywhere.

"Hey Draco!" Frank cried at the sight of him. "Rise and shine, mate!"

"…everybody antes," said Sirius, who was dealing the cards.

Draco sat on the carpet next to Remus, who was apparently also playing. He nodded at James and accepted a drink from Charles. Joan and Kevin were apparently already drunk but still quite present and laughing about something Draco couldn't understand. He looked around the deserted common room and at the various lit candles spread about.

"Hey," Remus whispered, nudging him slightly.

"Huh?" said Draco, meeting his eyes.

"You okay?" Remus said, his voice hushed.

Draco looked round at all the laughing boys, all of them careless about anything and just letting loose. Just having fun. Just being boys.

He then took a large swig of his drink, sighed deeply and turned back to Remus.

"I've never been better," he declared, thinking of the diary again, up in his room.

Who smells trouble brewing?