Chapter 37

Spoilers for Sunday

She's hiding in the darkest corner of her quarters, drapes drawn against the late afternoon light that is trying hard to filter through a small gap, taunting her with its brightness when all she wants to see is the void of nothingness. The hues of reds and yellows seem to be mocking her, their beauty a slur in the midth of such a tragedy.

She remembers watching sunsets with him at his mother's place and talking about the wonders of the universe and how blessed Man was to see them. But Carson is gone, killed by yet another stupid Ancient experiment gone wrong. She curses them for creating such things and not caring one bit about their consequences for the generations to come.

"Louise? It's Teyla. May I come in?" She smells the comforting aroma of the Athosian tea her friend has brought with her.

"Is it really necessary?" she whispers, her voice hoarse with the tears that are choking in her throat.

"Not if you do not mind Ronon and John barging in. They are worried about you, you know." Teyla walks towards her cautiously and sits next to her on the floor, handing her a mug. She doesn't move so the other woman forces her to wrap her hands around the warm cup. The sensation on her cold hands makes her shiver. Teyla grabs a pullover from the bed and hands it to her. Louise's eyes fill with tears again.

"He offered it to me the first time he went back to Earth," she whimpers, one of her hands folding around the soft woolen garment.

"Then you should wear it to honor him," Teyla says, helping her put in on.

She feels she's finally getting warmer. She's fled to her quarters almost immediately after hearing about the explosion and her friend's death and has stayed there ever since, not caring one bit about what she was wearing at the time. As most people on base, she'd been ordered by Dr Heightmeyer to take a day off and was forbidden to get near the kitchen by Elizabeth so she'd figured she'd sit on one of the many balconies and catch up with her reading. It was a gorgeous day and she was wearing light clothes. It was not until Teyla had put the mug in her hands that she'd realized how cold she was.

"Thank you," she says with a miserable smile. Teyla nods but doesn't try to make conversation. Louise drinks her tea slowly and it's only when she's finished it that she finds the will to speak again. "I don't know how we're going to function here without him, Teyla."

Her friend nods again. "I agree. Dr Beckett is – was – a unique soul. His kindness is legend among my people and many of our allies." She falls silent. "Louise, I know you are grieving and I see that you can barely function right now but I have come to you with one very specific purpose in mind..." She lets it hang in there, waiting for a sign that Louise is ready to listen.

Louise turns to her and watches her through teary eyes. "I'm not ready to leave this room, Teyla, if that's what you have in mind. I want to huddle here until I'm told this is just one of my many nightmares."

Teyla winces. She's going to have to be blunt. She needs to shake her out of her transe before she decides to wall herself up again. John has told her he's afraid she may do just that after what she's been through. Truth be told, they're all so stunned, even John is unsure he might find the words to get past her defenses. Hence Teyla's presence in Louise's quarters. "Louise, I am sorry, but this is exactly what I'm asking for. See, Rodney is sitting with Elizabeth in the mess hall as we speak, reproaching himself with the death of his friend. We are afraid he might snap if we don't do something..."

Louise looks up, confused. "I'm the one who's responsible for Carson's death, Teyla, not him! I'm the one who bailed out on him when he offered me to go fishing with him. And just because I'd decided I wanted to read a stupid book!" she cries out.

Teyla shakes her head. "You were just one of the people he offered, Louise. Rodney was originally supposed to go with him – not you. If you want to find someone to blame, blame us all – we all bailed out. Listen," she adds, touching her arm lightly, " I wouldn't ask if I did not know you could do it, Louise, but Rodney likes you a lot. You are one of the first people he connected to on Atlantis and he still has nothing but praise for you. And I am not even talking about the rest of team. We all need to stick together in times like these."

Louise sighs and brushes the tears from the eyes. She feels bone-tired but Teyla is right. She stands and trudges to the bathroom. "God, I look awful, Teyla." Her friend helps her splash water on her face and passes her make-up items to reduce the dark circles under her eyes and put a little color on her cheeks. "All set," Louise says with a smile that's trying to be brave. Teyla rubs her back gently and leads her out of the room.

They end up spending the evening in a corner of the mess hall. No one comes near them out of respect for their grief. Everyone is pretty stunned but it's got nothing on the flagship team and the leader of the City.

Louise sits between Rodney and John, talking softly. She's seen there was no way Rodney would listen to the voice of reason right now but no matter how tired or whumped or miserable he is, he's always hungry. She's made sure food is delivered to the table regularly. At some point, they've started talking about Carson, sharing memories and she walks to the pantry to get the shortbread she's made for their next Friday night. Rodney is on the verge of tears so John offers to play a game of cards and teaches them Scottish Bridge that Carson had showed him once they were bored and waiting for Rodney off-world. She loses track of all the rules but it keeps Rodney busy. He nibbles at the shortbread as he plays all fifteen rounds, ending up being beaten by John who elbows Louise and points his head at Rodney's scowl. He's on a sugar high from the huge amount of cookies he's eaten and majorly pissed he hasn't won but at least his eyes have lost their lifeless quality.

The ceremony in the stargate room is a nightmare. She didn't want to believe this was really happening until she sees the empty casket covered with his country's flag and hears the bagpipes. Elizabeth has deemed her too weak to bear the casket with the others as she's barely eaten or slept ever since he died, but she's allowed her to join those who will take the casket home and be at his funeral.

They take a regular army flight to Scotland and follow the hearse with their rental car all the way to his village. She's slept a little on the flight, with her head on Rodney's shoulder. He hasn't scowled once, John remarks inwardly, watching them in the rear-view mirror. She's awake and looks scared, not knowing if she can look Carson's mother in the eye. He's cautioned her against saying too much. Years of military operations have taught him how to do it but she's new to this whole world of secrecy. Rodney won't say anything. He's still too stunned for that. He's holding onto Louise's hand as if his life depended upon it. She's putting on a brave front, trying to comfort him and yet, John has rarely seen her so fragile and so close to snapping. He glances at Ronon. They've agreed not to let those two out of their sights, as Teyla has made it her personal task to remain close to Elizabeth back on Atlantis.

The wake is held in the local pub, the only place big enough to host all of his friends and relatives. It seems the whole village is there. His casket has been taken to the church next door and people go from one to the other, paying their respects to him then heading back to the warmth of the only cosy public place around. When they arrived, a thick fog had settled over the cliff and hills. Now it's raining cats and dogs but the rain is threatening to turn into snow.

John sees Louise shudder in spite of the warm clothes she's wearing – the same pullover that hasn't left her side ever since he died over tight fitting jeans and leather boots. He sees she's wearing a pretty silver cross on the long chain she usually uses for the charms she changes according to the mood of the day. He's even made a mental note of buying a couple of those for her next time he comes to Earth. Now is obviously not the right time. But that cross – he's never seen it before. He approaches her, beer in hand and tells her so.

She's swirling her tea bag in her cup absent-mindedly, watching Carson's mother talk to people she vaguely remembers. "I keep it for comfort. Believing is a bargain, John. Not believing is easy in happier times but if I don't believe, then I'll have to admit Carson and all the people I've loved and lost are indeed lost to me forever – something I'm not ready to accept."

He sits next to her on the bench. "How did it go with Carson's mother?" She's the one who took his things back to his house. They've all met her in the church and offered their condolences but she was the only one having met her before, so she'd offered to drive back with her and hand her the box of knick knacks he had in his quarters. The rest – mainly medical reviews and books – has remained on Atlantis, notwithstanding what he had left to his friends in his will.

She shrugs. "OK, I suppose. We didn't talk much. Mainly cried. Exchanged a few platitudes, I guess. What is there to say?"

"That you loved him? That we all did? That we're all going to miss him dearly?" he suggests despondently, taking a swing at his beer, avoiding her gaze.

"Yeah, that too!" she laughs humorlessly. "I might have mentioned it..." She takes the beer from his hand and the bottle almost reaches her lips – almost – because he grabs it back with a growl and sets it firmly on the table away from her.

"Watcha doin'?" he barks, his angry look intent on her.

She shrugs despondently. "It's just a beer, John, and I need it."

"The hell you don't!" he growls, taking hold of her arm a little too hard, leaving bruises there, no doubt. She yelps but he ignores her and drags her towards Ronon. "Buddy, we need to leave, asap," he says, tilting his head at Louise who's currently scowling and trying to free herself from his iron grip. Ronon takes one look at the odd couple in front of him and nods.

"You take care of Rodney, OK? I don't think it's safe for Louise to come back here while the party is in full swing," John adds, his voice dripping with sarcasm.

"Got it, Sheppard."

"Let him eat to his heart's content and drink a little. Don't let him get plastered though. He becomes too chatty when he does and we sure don't want that," John advises him before heading towards Mrs Beckett, Louise in toe. She's abandoned all hope of escaping him and is just following the lead. "Ma'am, I'm sorry but Louise is not feeling well and I need to get her back to the hotel. We'll see you in the morning for the funeral," he apologizes. He hopes she won't ask for any details.

She nods and wraps Louise in her arms. "You've got a good friend there, Ms Léger. He's a keeper. I saw what he just did. It would have been much easier to indulge you. Try to rest," she adds as she hands them a tin box full of various cookies. "I know you haven't had time to eat much," she tells John with a smile. "Take good care of her."

He nods, still processing the meaning of her words to Louise. Obviously, she knows. "Thank you, Ma'am. Ronon and Dr McKay are staying. Ask them. They have plenty of stories to tell you about your son," he says with a smile that doesn't reach his eyes. He feels suddenly drained and pushes Louise towards the exit not too gently. "Get your coat. I'll tuck you in and then we'll talk." She bows her head, ashamed she's putting him through all this when he himself is grieving.

They walk in silence to the edge of the village. The rain has indeed turned into snow but the roads are still wet, making the place look dreary in the lights of the lamp posts. She's holding the box under her arm, glancing at him from time to time but he refuses to make eye contact, his hands tucked into the pockets of his pants. His jaw is set and she knows she's in trouble, big time. Not that she doesn't deserve it but still – she hates it when they fight. Now Carson is not there to hold her hand and tell her everything is gonna be all right for them all, it's only her and John, and she's gotten on his wrong side, again. She wraps her hand around his elbow, trying to connect somehow. He shrugs her off impatiently. She gasps. He's never pushed her away. He trains his gaze on her, still looking murderous. "Give me a moment, Louise. I'm still too angry to trust myself around you." She sighs and walks the rest of the way with her head bent and her heart in her throat.

He does as he told her – orders her to get ready and leaves her barely a few minutes before he returns, having changed into sweats. He settles in the armchair next to the bed. "Get in bed," he orders her.

"John..." she pleads.

"I said, get in bed," he repeats, insisting on each word. She cringes but does as ordered.

"I'm sorry..." she tentatively says as she props herself against the pillows.

"You'd rather be!" he gruffly retorts.

"Look, John. I made a mistake..."

"Huge one. Major blunder. Yeah, you did!" he interrupts, not too kindly.

"All right. I got it! No need to nail it. I knew it was one before I even made it, damn it!" she cries out, aggravated.

"But you would have proceeded had I not stopped you, Louise," he points out. She falls silent. It enrages him. "Say it, damn it! At least, have the decency to recognize it!"

"I said I was sorry! What else do you want me to say?" Tears of frustration well up in her eyes. "How much more humiliation do you want me to take before you're satisfied, John?"

He trains his cold glare on her. "I'm sorry doesn't even begin to amend for what you almost did. I've already lost a friend this week. There's no way I'll risk losing you, Louise. You cannot taste alcohol again. Period. I will not let you relapse. Now Beckett is gone, I'm responsible for your well-being. I know you think you're a big girl but right now, I'm gonna treat you as a damn unruly teenager if I have to."

She sighs, exhausted by the fight. "You're not my father and you're not my husband either, John. I won't relapse but that will be my decision, not yours. You have no say in the matter."

He tilts his head to the side, a dangerous edge in his hazel eyes. "That's where you're wrong, sweetie. I do. I'll always do. That suicidal tendency you have, I promise you you're going to get rid of it, asap, or so help me God, I'll put you in the brig until you come to your senses! I need you alive and I need you happy – for my own sanity, if any."

She shakes her head, tears clinging to her eyelashes because she refuses to let them fall. "I can't. I can't be happy. The universe is screaming at me it's not for me, don't you see? I've lost so much already! I didn't want any of this. When I came to Atlantis, it was to hide from the world, not make friends and lose them! I wish... I wish you'd never come to my kitchen that day."

He shakes his head, appalled. "You don't mean that, Louise. You can't!" He comes to sit on the bed next to her and shakes her, grabbing her shoulders. "No man is an island, Louise. And no woman either! We've had this conversation before. I thought we were past that point. It seems with you it's always back to square one over and over again – a f** groundhog day!" he growls in frustration.

She looks at him in alarm, seeing him so wound up. He's right though. She knows it, even though she'd give everything now to go back in time and never have come to Atlantis and met those she seems deemed to lose one after the other. He lets go of her and grabs the remote control then sits next to her on the bed. "What are you doing?" she asks.

He shrugs. "You're a slow walker. It'll take time for your stubborn brain to accept that I'm here to stay and so are you. In the meantime, I feel like watching TV and eating cookies. Feel free to join me if you like."

"You're not gonna stay here all night?" she asks in dismay.

"Oh, yeah! I'll make sure you get a goodnight's sleep as Carson's mother instructed us. We have a hell of a day ahead of us, kiddo, and we both need our beauty sleep," he sniggers, his eyes intent on the screen.

They bury him as the fog is lifting, the sun shyly making an appearance as the bagpipes sound the Amazing Grace. She's huddled between her three friends, Ronon behind her, his hands on her shoulders, Rodney and John on each side, holding hands with her. She'd never seen John in his dress blues before. From the looks he gets afterwards at the luncheon in the church hall, she's not the only to stare.

Mrs Beckett comes to her side with a plate in hand and a fond smile on her wrinkled face. "It's a very handsome friend you have here, my dear," she teases her gently, trying to lighten the mood.

"Yeah, I sometimes feel like the ugly duckling next to him," she retorts with a tinge of sarcasm.

Ma gives her a look. "I think you haven't seen how he looks at you or you wouldn't feel so despondent. He only has eyes for you, to every woman's dismay, I might add."

Louise blushes but scoffs. "It's only because he's afraid I might feel tempted to drink again, Ma."

The other woman chuckles. "There are none so blind as those who will not see."

Louise doesn't have the time to answer her that she suspects his interest lies in a tall, dark-haired diplomat as John gets to her side and loosely wraps his arm around her shoulders. "Sweetie, I'm afraid we need to head back to the airport."

Ma gives her a look that says "I told you so", making Louise roll her eyes, and shakes John's hand. "Take good care of this young lady here, Colonel, and come any time you want. My son's friends will always be welcome here."

He nods and drops a light kiss on her cheek. "We will, Ma'am."

TBC

I apologize for not broaching on the subject of Louise's youthful looks in this chapter. I surmised that being grief-stricken as she is, she must not look very different from what she looked like when she first met Mrs Beckett so the older lady would not have really noticed.

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Special thanks to LP Cloud for favoriting and also encouraging me with your kind words and to Guest 64 for always being there for me and giving me useful feedback on how the story is perceived. You are an awesome "beta" reader :)