Hi friends- so I thought I would take longer to update because I'm going on a trip tomorrow but it turns out I was able to finish this before the trip! Who knew!

Anyway, thank you to BeatriceEaton46, Brokenwings35, ManhattanSky, citizensg1, Guest, Sawyerrr, PHX, velosewer, notalways0kay, Naruisawesome, and mosuzmartian! Thank you for your kind words, I appreciate it always!

Also quick note to PHX- I'd message you but I obviously can't haha. I'm really glad that this story means something to you. You most certainly can get through it. I believe in you, and I'm always here for you. If you ever make an account, you can message me any time you need encouragement or just to talk about anything!

To everyone else, it's been a nice couple of chapters. But you can't stop the drama! I hope you guys like it!

Let me know what you think!

Tris POV

I must have moved around in my sleep. When I wake up, Tobias' arm is wrapped around my waist, and my back is up against his front. I can feel his breath on my neck, and it gives me chills. I feel his arm tighten around me a bit, as he starts to stir. I stroke his hand to let him know I am awake. In response, he presses his lips to my neck briefly.

"Morning," he mumbles sleepily. "Did you sleep well?"

"Yeah," I croak. "Better than I have in a while."

He keeps his arm around me as I roll over to face him. When I look at him, it seems as if he is struggling to keep his eyes open. Both of us lay there quietly for a moment, just looking back at each other. I'm not sure what he is thinking, but to me, this still feels so odd. I never thought that I would wake up with a boy and feel so comfortable that I wouldn't want to get up. I also never could have imagined that I would end up sleeping in the same bed as Tobias so soon in the relationship. What is more surprising is that it doesn't feel wrong.

"Merry Christmas," I say finally.

"Oh, that's right, I almost forgot," he mutters. "We have to go to Amar's."

I nod at him, and he groans tiredly before he kisses my forehead and starts to sit up. Once he is in a sitting position, I watch him rub his eyes.

"I'm sorry I kept you up last night," I say quietly.

"Don't be sorry." He pauses for a moment before looking down at me. "I didn't know you were still having nightmares."

"Wasn't exactly something I wanted to advertise," I mutter. "Why don't we talk about it later?"

He nods slowly, seemingly upset, but he doesn't say anything. Instead, he starts to get up, and I follow after him. I pick up my bag which I left in the corner of the room and start sifting through it to find my clothes. I pull the clothes out and turn around, only to see Tobias staring at me with the beginning of a smile on his lips.

"What?" I ask.

"Nothing," he shrugs. "It looks good on you."

It takes a moment before I realize that he is talking about his shirt, which I am still wearing. I feel a blush creep up on my cheeks, as he smiles a bit.

"Maybe I'll keep it," I say.

"Go ahead. Merry Christmas," he chuckles.

I roll my eyes, as he picks up his clothes and leaves the room so that I can change. Once we have both finished getting ready, we decide to leave for Amar's house. He tells me that he will give me my gift when we get back tonight, so I decide to leave his gift in my bag in his room. Still, I cannot help but wonder what is so special that he doesn't want to give it to me in front of Amar.

"If it isn't the lovebirds," Amar grins, as he opens the front door for us. "You're here early."

"That's so we can leave early," Tobias says with a smirk.

"I should have figured," Amar says before leading us into the living room.

Tobias and Amar make small talk about work and his classes, as we sit down on the couch and Amar sits in the arm chair. As they talk, I notice two rectangular boxes resting on the coffee table, one with Tobias' name and one with mine. I can't help but feel guilty, as I look at it. I didn't think that Amar would get anything for me, so I didn't think to get anything for him.

"I see Tris has her eyes on the prize," Amar says with a grin. "Do you want to open it?"

"No, it's not that," I say. "I just wasn't expecting you to get me anything."

"Well, I saw these, and I knew I had to get them for you," he smirks, as he leans back in his chair. "Go on, open it. Both of you."

Tobias looks at him suspiciously before picking up the boxes and handing me the one with my name on it. I look at Amar who gives me a nod of encouragement before I start opening up the box. When I open it, I can tell immediately that it is a shirt, but I don't understand what is special about it until Tobias picks up his and rolls his eyes.

"Very nice," he mutters, as Amar chuckles.

I look at his shirt and notice that it has the word "beast" written on it, and when I turn mine over I see that it has the word "beauty" written on it. I can't help the laugh that escapes me, but that only makes Tobias shoot me a look. I continue laughing, as Amar talks about how he just couldn't pass up the opportunity.

Amar smiles at me, and I smile back. As the day goes on and we continue to joke around and talk, I can't help but think about my parents. Growing up, my parents and I never really laughed or had fun together. I imagine, if we did, it would have felt something like this.

Later that night, once we have returned to Tobias' apartment, I go into his room to retrieve the gift that I got for him from my bag. Apparently, his gift for me was somehow hidden in the living room so that is where he is waiting right now. Once I have retrieved the gift, I walk back out into the living room where he is sitting on the couch. I sit down next to him and hand him the bag, and he smirks.

"I guess I'm going first then," he says, as he looks down at the bag.

I nod my head at him and smile, as he reaches into the bag.

"It's a..." He pauses as he pulls it out of the bag. "It's a cookbook."

"It's a college cookbook," I tell him. "So you can still eat well even though you're on a budget!"

"I see," he chuckles, as he looks at it for a moment. Finally, he turns to me and kisses my temple. "Thank you."

"Any time," I say.

"In case you were wondering where I hid your gift," he says before he kneels down on the ground and reaches under the couch, "it's been under here the whole time."

"That's... actually pretty creative."

"Not as creative as the gift," he mumbles.

Before I can ask what he means, he has returned to his place on the couch but this time he is holding a glass jar. He looks at me, almost hopefully, before he hands it to me.

"What is it?"

"It's a memory jar," he says as if he is unsure himself. "There's a bunch of papers in it and each one has a different memory, but you're only allowed to pick out one each day."

"Why just one?" I ask.

"Because there's only three hundred and sixty four pieces in there."

"You came up with three hundred and sixty four memories?" I ask, shocked. "And you wrote them all down? This must have taken ages!"

"I mostly did it between classes," he shrugs.

I roll my eyes at him, at how he makes it sound like it was so easy.

"Anyway, I wanted you to have it because I thought it might help," he continues. "I know it's been hard lately, but maybe if you focus on the good times we've had, it'll make it easier to get through the tough times."

I can't help but smile a little, as I look at it. Although I feel guilty now since the gift that I got for him was so generic and this one is so thoughtful, but I know that he will just brush it off if I say that, so I don't. I look at him to find that he was already staring back at me.

"Thank you," I say finally.

He simply nods in response before he leans into me. When our lips meet, it feels different than usual. It feels like he is kissing me as if he'll never be able to again. I can't help but wonder why, but I don't stop it. Eventually, I end up on his lap while the jar rests on the other side of the couch. It is only then that he pulls away for breath and looks at me.

"You know, it's torture not being able to do this every day," he mutters.

"Then maybe we should take advantage of the time we have now," I whisper back.

He smiles a little before his lips meet mine again. The kiss is intense as if there was never a break in it. Eventually, his hands end up on my hips and mine end up on his cheeks, further intensifying the kiss. Before him, I never thought that kissing could feel so good. But now, every time he kisses me, I feel warmth throughout my entire body. It makes me want more and more.

At some point, he pulls away and brings his lips instead to my neck. My hands find their way into his hair just like they did last time he did this. Soon, the warmth is forgotten as heat rushes through me at the feeling. His lips trail down my neck, as his hands move up to touch the small strip of visible skin between my shirt and my jeans. A soft moan escapes my lips at the sensation from both his lips and his hands on my skin. I feel him pause for a moment as soon as the sound leaves my lips before he lifts his head and rests his forehead on mine.

"Should I stop?" he asks, his fingers stroking my waist.

I bite my lip, as I think about it. He knows that the thought of going further than this has always made me nervous. I never told him that it is because of what happened with Peter and Eric, but something tells me that he knows that already. Still, he has been so respectful and patient about it, never pushing me to go further. And now that we are here, now that I know that there is a possibility of going further, part of me wants to. After all, I know that I love him. I know that there is nothing to be afraid of with him. He is nothing to be afraid of.

"No," I answer finally.

"Are you sure?" he asks hesitantly.

I nod at him in response, and he just looks at me for a moment before he leans in and kisses me again. He brings his lips to my neck again, as his hands move up my sides until they are resting just below my bra. The feeling is intoxicating, more than any amount of alcohol. I bite my lip, as I bring my hands to his chest. My hands find the hem of his shirt and he takes the hint. He pulls away from me to take his shirt off, and I find myself unable to look away from his chest even when I can feel him looking at me.

It is only then that I notice black marks creeping up around his shoulders. He mentioned that he had a tattoo but I never asked to see it since asking to see it would basically be asking him to take his shirt off. But now that it is already off, I find myself wondering what the rest looks like.

"Do you want to see it?" he asks, as if he was reading my mind. "My tattoo, I mean?"

I nod my head at him and he gently guides me off of his lap before standing in front of me and turning around. Black covers his back. He did tell me why he has it there- to cover the scars from his childhood. But actually seeing it is something completely different than just being told about it. It is only then that I notice the symbols going down the middle of his back between the black art. I touch one of them, and I recognize it as the symbol that I drew for Tori to symbolize her selflessness.

"I got those added a little while ago," he tells me.

My fingers move down to the tree that Uriah drew to symbolize Marlene's kindness toward him. The balance that Christina drew for honesty. The eye that Lynn drew to symbolize her constant knowing. And the flames that he drew to symbolize bravery for me.

"Why?" I ask as my fingers continue to trace each one.

"Because they're constant reminders," he says. "To be selfless, kind, honest, knowing, and brave."

"You could work on the kind part," I say with a smirk.

"I know."

He turns around to face me, and he wraps his arms around my waist.

"But I didn't see the point of striving to be all of those things until you came along," he says.

I only bite my lip for a moment before he brushes his finger across my lip to free it. He then brings his lips to mine, and this time it feels softer and full of understanding. More loving and heartfelt, as we pick up where we left off.

Eventually, he leads me to his room, and I don't stop him. I realize that I don't want to stop him. And eventually, my clothes are strewn across the floor, but I don't feel afraid like I thought I would. I feel open and bare in a beautiful way that I never thought would be possible.

And that night, for the first time, we lose ourselves in each other.

The next morning, I sit on the kitchen counter in a pair of shorts and one of Tobias' shirts. He offered to make breakfast for me and wouldn't take no for an answer, so I ended up here, just watching him, as he moves around the kitchen in only his pajama pants. He looks at me at some point, as if he could sense my staring, and smiles. He comes to stand between my legs and places his hands on my hips.

"That really does look good on you," he says.

"Does it?" I ask, as I rest my forehead on his.

"Mhm," he murmurs, as his fingers worry over the hem of the shirt. "I could definitely get used to this view."

I laugh a little as he closes the space between us and kisses me slowly as if we have all the time in the world. I run my hands over his bare chest just like I did last night, and he groans a bit. I smirk against his lips before he pulls away.

"Tease," he mutters.

"Only for you," I wink at him.

He chuckles a little and squeezes my hips before pulling away to return his attention to the food. I watch after him for a moment until I hear my phone go off next to me. I pick it up and see that it is a call from Tori, so I answer it.

"Hello?"

"Is this Tris?" a male voice asks.

I furrow my eyebrows in confusion though I know they cannot see me.

"Uhm... yes, who is this?"

"This is George Wu," he says, and I feel my heart stop as I realize why he must be calling me.

"Is Tori okay?" I ask quickly, making Tobias look at me worriedly.

"She was in a car accident," he answers, and I can hear the sadness in his voice. "On her way home."

I sit there for a moment in shock before George asks if I am still there. Every part of me is in panic mode, but I realize that I have to answer.

"What happened to her?" I ask, my voice already starting to shake.

"She's in the hospital right now," he explains. "I figured I should let you know that she might not be home for a few days."

I feel a lump in my throat, as I try to speak but find myself unable to. I can feel tears welling up in my eyes, so I squeeze them shut. As soon as my eyes close, a familiar scene begins to play out in my mind. The day that I found out my parents were in a car accident. I remember not being able to wrap my head around it, like I can't now. I remember Caleb telling me that they would be okay. He told me they would come home just like George is saying Tori will. But they didn't.

Before I can process what is happening, Tobias has taken the phone from me and explained who he is to George before asking exactly what happened. As he talks to George, I simply sit there, with my eyes still closed. Watching Caleb in my mind, over and over again, telling me that my parents will come home. I watch him lie to me over and over again.

"Tris?"

I open my eyes finally, and I realize that quite a few tears have found their way out. He looks at me with concern, as he wraps his arms around me.

"George left his number, and he said he'll call to update us," he says. "He said that she's gonna be fine. She's gonna come home as soon as she's better, okay?"

"That's what Caleb said."

He looks at me sadly, and I can tell that he knows exactly what I mean by that. But he doesn't say anything. He just pulls me in toward him and I accept the embrace. Before I have time to consider if I should or not, I find myself crying into his shoulder, and he holds onto me the entire time.

I know that I am being selfish right now for crying when Tori is the one hurt. But I can't help it. There have been times when Tori felt more like my mother than my actual mother. But I lost my actual mother. And father. And brother. And Marlene.

I don't think I can handle losing any more family. I don't know what I'll do if she doesn't make it.

"It's gonna be all right, Tris," Tobias says into my hair.

I want to believe him. But I don't.

It took a long time for Tobias to convince me to go to bed. But, like I expected, the night was full of nightmares. Not nightmares that made me scream for help. But nightmares that left me paralyzed in fear so that I had to suffer through it alone while Tobias slept peacefully next to me.

As I try to bring my breathing back to normal, I lift my head slightly to look past Tobias and at the clock on his bedside table. It is about three in the morning.

I slowly push myself out of the bed, careful not to wake Tobias. I walk just as slowly, just as quietly to the bathroom where I turn on the light and close the door behind me. My wrist begins to ache as the urge overcomes me. I find a pair of scissors in the first drawer that I open. And that's when it hits me.

I can't cut myself. I promised Tobias that I would talk to him first and I am in no way prepared to wake him up and talk to him now. As much as I want to, I cannot bring a blade to my wrist. But there is one thing I can do.

I look at myself in the mirror. At my long dull blonde hair. It suddenly feels so heavy, like it is pulling me down. And though I know logically that it makes no sense, I imagine it holding my pain. As if cutting it off would make my pain disappear with it. So that's what I do.

Before I even have a chance to think twice, I bring the scissors to my hair and cut. Once. Twice. Again and again. Until my hair touches my shoulders unevenly. I run my fingers through my shortened hair. And I think, maybe I was right. I feel numb as I stare at myself. But that is better than pain.