CHAPTER 37:
The sensation was immediately unpleasant when consciousness began to resurface for Spock. His nervous system vibrated painfully from the shock it received, though he was aware that it was gradually dissipating along with the pressure behind his eyes. The beeping he heard was instantly recognized as the specific pattern of electronics to be found in the med bay, which was the only logical conclusion when considering how he felt. Why he was in the med bay, however, was blurry at best.
"…be modest all you like, you went above and beyond…"
That was Jim's voice. It sounded distant. Spock cracked open his pained eyes and could make out the gold outline of his captain standing a few feet away. His back was to Spock as he was facing a neighboring bio bed.
"I owe you a lot for what you did, Khan…"
"Perhaps collecting debts from me is unwise," Khan's sonorous voice replied and it almost sounded like he might have been smiling.
"I owe you a thanks at least," Jim chuckled. "If there was any doubt whose side you were on, there isn't now."
Disagreement bubbled up in the Vulcan, but he swallowed it down and continued to eavesdrop instead.
"If only either of us had ever been graced with so certain a thing as 'sides'…" said Khan.
"We at least have the certainty that Rodriguez was acting alone and left you no choice but to shoot him," Jim explained.
"That was never a question on my part," Khan replied condescendingly. "May I go now, Doctor?"
"I'd rather keep an eye on you awhile longer…" McCoy's grumbling voice chimed in, and Spock hadn't even known the CMO was present up until then. "But, I can't argue with the bio-readings. You can go. Though I highly recommend some bed rest, for that's worth to you…"
"Who am I to disobey my doctor's orders?" Khan snarked and through the crack of his eye lids Spock could see the lean figure rise from the bio bed. It reminded him of a Terran cobra standing up from its coil.
"I'll follow up with you on the report of the mission," Jim said to Khan.
The augment acknowledged then swept out of the med-bay with careful urgency. Spock finally chose to open his eyes and sat up in his bed. The movement drew attention and both Jim and Bones turned his way in unison.
"Spock!"
Jim smiled brightly and started briskly towards him, Dr. McCoy smirking beside him as they approached and stood on one side of the bed.
"If I asked you how you're feelin', you gonna tell me?" McCoy arched a single brow and readied his PADD to record Spock's answer.
Spock mirrored the quirked brow and took in a deep breath through his nose. "I imagine it would satisfy you to hear that I am feeling a general bodily ache and slight nausea."
"So, the usual post-phaser-stun symptoms…" McCoy nodded. "If you like I can give you a little something to get the edge off your migraine."
"Not necessary, Doctor," Spock resisted the urge to slump in his bed. "I know numerous sufficient Vulcan techniques for coping with pain in all variations."
"'Course you do… Although sometimes I suspect you're full of it and just don't want to admit that even you need a classic painkiller once in awhile."
Jim silently watched the exchange, a warm smile on his face as he looked between the two.
Spock let his quirked brow drop into a slight frown. "Doctor, your constant need to administer drugs is the very reason that we Vulcans have learned to cope with pain without dependency on chemicals. They are a last resort at best and the eagerness in which you use them is frankly appalling in its primitiveness."
There was something satisfying in the way that McCoy's eyes bugged out over the PADD as he listened to every word out of the Vulcan. "Now I'm convinced that Khan saved your life as a cruel joke."
Arguing with McCoy was always a much needed diversion from other unpleasant things that were on hand, but the mention of Khan brought the First Officer back to the current situation. He looked to Jim, who seemed content to listen quietly to his two friends.
"Captain…" Spock began more seriously. "While I do not agree that Khan saving my life was a 'cruel joke' I am inclined to believe that it did have ulterior motives. You told him that it removed any doubt of whose side he is on. It does not."
"I should have known you were eavesdropping," Jim still smiled a little.
"Jim, don't let Khan win your trust that easily."
"He hasn't."
Even McCoy looked at Jim with confusion. "You just told him that you didn't doubt him anymore…" the doctor pointed out.
Jim glanced between them. "I know what I said. I'm not a Vulcan, I can admit to lying."
The semantic choice of 'admit' to lying made Spock frown at the implication. "Captain, I do not—"
Kirk and McCoy laughed.
"If you say you can't lie, Spock, you're lyin'," McCoy said through his chuckles.
Spock felt embarrassment surge up in him and he cleared his throat. "You were talking about Khan."
"Don't worry about him," said Jim. "The only thing I really meant when I was talking to him was that I am glad he saved your life. I won't get very far without you. After Marla told me herself to watch out for Khan, that's what I'm going to do. Thing is though… I think there is a part of Khan that saved your life because it was the right thing to do. It happened too quickly to all be calculation. I'd like to hold out at least a little hope that when it comes down to it, Khan can do the right thing. There's a reason he was described as the most well-loved dictator."
Spock stared at is captain with no small degree of appall. "As a point of reference to a man's character, looking at his history as a despot is illogical."
"When it comes to humans it speaks volumes though…"
"That I can agree with."
The bosun whistle wailed through the med bay and Jim's eyes turned upward to the ceiling to listen to the impending intercom.
"Bridge to the captain." Sulu's voice came through.
Jim excused himself to reach for the wall intercom. "Kirk here."
"Captain we are approaching the next target point."
Spock knew that meant they were already at the next Klingon outpost of the Neutral Zone. The obligation of duty had the Vulcan swinging his legs to the side of the bed.
"Now wait a minute," McCoy's hand touched his shoulder. "Where d'you think you're goin'?"
"I am needed on the bridge."
"I don't remember excusing you."
"I am feeling perfectly functional and you have already excused Khan from the comfort of your med bay."
"Don't get sassy with me, you pointy-eared hobgoblin! You're excused when I say you're excused!"
Jim contained a smile. "Bones, is he healthy enough for duty or not?"
"Well, close observation has never hurt anybody—"
"To the best of your knowledge, Doctor."
A vein jumped in McCoy's temple, but before he could spew his rage, Jim stepped forward.
"If Spock is feeling well enough for duty, then I could always use him on the bridge."
The captain was on Spock's side and the Vulcan couldn't help the encouragement as he looked victoriously to McCoy.
"Fine. Spock you're cleared for duty. Have fun using Vulcan coping techniques for that killer headache."
He tapped his stylus a few times on the PADD, threw it under his arm, then stalked out of the room. Jim, meanwhile, had begun to chuckle. He stood back, allowing Spock to get to his feet. His uniform was folded nearby and he pulled the blue material over his head, tugging out the wrinkles.
"Shall we?" said Jim.
Spock compliantly followed, but the action of walking stirred up the migraine behind his eyes and he refrained from wincing or grunting. He appreciated it when Jim would pretend nothing was wrong, that Spock wasn't in fact fallible, but he caught every single side glance or lingering eye from Jim, who was no doubt looking for any indication to send him to his quarters for rest.
When their turbolift arrived at the bridge, Chekov's Russian vocals rang out.
"Keptin on ze bridge!"
As Kirk stepped off the elevator, another body appeared and obstructed Spock from doing the same. Uhura had practically flown into the turbo lift, her eyes on fire with worry. He caught Jim's eye for a moment, a subtle nod telling Spock that it was okay to take a moment with her.
Spock stepped back onto the turbolift and Uhura joined him. Only when the door closed and they had the privacy did she throw her arms around him and squeeze so tightly that he was suddenly aware of the general bruised feeling under his skin from the phaser stun.
"Thank God, you're okay!" her words muffled into his chest.
He knew better than to argue the assistance of any deity and found it sufficient to return the embrace. It was comforting.
"No harm was done," he reassured.
She sighed heavily and pulled away, her chin lifting to look him in the eye. "I was afraid. I'm always afraid every time something happens to you, that I might lose you. But this time... It scared me in a different way. I thought I'd lose you before we could figure out whatever it was we needed to figure out."
With the barrage of events occurring lately, they had successfully dodged an intimate conversation that every couple is doomed to have sooner or later about any subject. The kind of conversation that elicits emotions.
"What do you believe needs to be figured out, Nyota?" Spock asked quietly, directly.
"Please don't make me talk about it right now, not when you almost died…"
"We are nearly at our next mission. It is only logical that we avoid another instance of regret by solving the issue this very moment."
"Later…" she frowned, her eyes averted.
"We have been saying later for weeks and almost certainly didn't have another 'later'. Nyota, we can no longer prolong the inevitable." There was a distinct pang in Spock's chest, one that he knew was not a result of a phaser blast. "If your romantic relationship with me is only causing you pain, then I do not wish to be the cause for that—"
The turbo lift door opened and Mr. Leslie stared at them confoundedly in his red shirt. He murmured an apology, turned left towards a wall, then right to walk the other way, no doubt to find a different lift. Nyota punched the button, closing the doors and stopping the lift. Her eyes were glimmering with tears, her jaw tight.
"What are you saying, Spock?"
Guilt was filling him. It felt acidic. "By your understandable reaction, I suspect you already know what I am saying…"
She swallowed hard. She didn't seem surprised. But the hurt was unavoidable.
"I know…" she quietly agreed. "I know…" the repeated words seemed to have different meaning. Calmer this time, she touched the button to carry the turbolift back for the bridge. As it began to ascend, she gently took his face into her hands and pulled him down to meet her as she lifted up on her toes. Spock's eyes closed when lips touched, a long, but chaste kiss shared. It was a goodbye.
When the doors opened to the bridge, she walked off with confidence and strength and he could not help following her with his gaze, admiring the woman who deserved so much more than him. She deserved to be loved in a way that Spock could not give, no matter how deeply he wished or tried.