A/N- Heh heh.. hey guys. Member me? Yea.. sorry for the ever increasing delay.. life is just crazy right now. Time for myself is never available. Which means time for writing isn't either. I know I owe you guys a chapter on my other story and not on this one, but I've kind of hit a HUGE block on the other one. So I figured since this story only has a few chapters left, I'd go ahead and finish it and then focus soley on my other story. So after this post, there should only be like two more chapters and then like an epilogue or something. Not quite sure. But somewhere around there. Enjoy this post and sorry for the delay once again. -Mel
Ashley's POV
I can't seem to sleep. But even if I wanted too, my thoughts would continue to keep me from doing so. I know I should be, because I have to be up in roughly six hours to get Jacob to school, then I have three different meetings, and then me and my producers are meeting with four new bands on top of that. So if sleep doesn't take me soon, then I don't know how I'm going to function tomorrow. I don't even think coffee will cure this one in the morning.
And the simple reason behind it all?
That fight I had with Spencer earlier.
It's been replaying over and over again in my head, word for word, since the second I got home and put Jacob to bed. The most redundant part being when she told me about UCLA. How she was going to give up Ohio's offer for me.
God, I'm so stupid!
We'd be together now! Happy, even more in love, and we'd already be married! Quite possibly with children on the way!
Why did I have to be so stubborn?!
Why didn't I just talk to her?!
Why didn't I fight for her after she left?!
Becoming so overwhelmed with all these different emotions, the tears cascade down my face faster than I can wipe them away. But this time, I don't bother trying. I just let them fall.
I messed up.
I messed up the only future I cared about having. All because I wanted to be stubborn and angry, instead of rational. Yea, so maybe she should have told me where she applied, but I also should have asked, and I also should have listened. Leaving that first day, sure, fine, I was angry, I deserved to storm off. But breaking it off when I did? And having everyone send her away everyday for a week after that? No wonder why she left! God I was so stupid! This could have been prevented. We would both be in less pain right now if I would have just trusted her and listened. I mean she did agree to be my wife, how could I not trust that she'd choose to be with me?
Feeling the unbearable pounding in my chest, the pressure caused by loving her and not having her, I curl into a ball as the first of many sobs to come rips from my throat and echoes in the quiet of my master bedroom.
It's all my fault.
---
The next morning I wake up, not having remembered falling asleep. My throat burns from all the crying, my chest still feels tight, as if there is thousands of pounds of weights sitting on it, and every time I blink my eyes feel scratchy.
I honestly don't know how I'm going to get through today. Chancing a glance at my alarm clock, hoping it will reveal to me that I have a little more time to curl into my big, warm, comfy. . and empty. . bed, to continue throwing my pity party. Instead, I groan when it reads seven minutes till the designated time of annoyance to wake me up. So I reach up and switch the button into the off position before it has the chance.
Running my hands over my face and then through my messy hair, I pull myself out from under my goose down comforter and trudge my way to the bathroom. My feet dragging the whole way. I wince a little at the sight of myself in the mirror. Mascara tracks smeared across my cheeks; red and puffy eyelids; and blood shot eyes. It's gonna be no make-up and reading glasses for me today. My eyes are irritated enough, don't need my contacts making them worse.
Washing my face, as to not startle my son with my appearance, I get all the mascara washed off before brushing my teeth and then sliding my glasses onto my nose. I throw my hair up into a messy bun and then make my way out of my master bedroom, with my destination being my son's room. But before I get a foot out of my bathroom, I'm halted in my tracks by the sight of my son already curled up in my bed, fast asleep.
He's too good at being quiet in the morning. He gets that from me. The thought makes me smile, but remembering who he doesn't get it from instantly erases the smile from my face.
Shaking off the impending tears, I walk across the large expanse of my bedroom and lay down next to my son. He instantly turns into my side and curls into a ball. I wrap my arms around him, and decide that we both earned an extra half an hour of sleep this morning. So I set a quick alarm on my cell phone and drift off quickly with my son into La La Land.
By the time I was in a deep enough slumber to get some actual rest, my alarm goes off. Instantly waking me and my son, who groans.
He definitely got that from Aiden.
I run my hand over his forehead and through his messy hair.
ASHLEY: "Jake, time to wake up son."
JACOB: "Do I have too?" He mumbles groggily.
ASHLEY: "Yea baby. You have to go to school."
JACOB: "But I don't want to go today." He says softly.
ASHLEY: "I know, but you have too."
JACOB: "Can't I stay with you mommy?" He looks up at me and I can see fear in his brilliant green eyes.
ASHLEY: "Not today little man. Mommy has a lot of meetings today. Besides, today's Monday. Which means show and tell. You love show and tell at school." I say giving him my best encouraging smile.
I feel Jake's shoulder shrug into my side. I take a deep, steady breath and release it even more slowly.
Ever since Aiden passed last week, Jacob's been like this. Not as excited about everything like he used to be. The small things that he used to get so ecstatic over, is all just dull to him now. I mean it's understandable, he misses his daddy, and doesn't understand why he had to "leave". I just hope he gets his energy back. But this is a wound for him. A wound to his heart. And all wounds take time to heal, no matter the type. He just has to heal in his own time.
ASHLEY: "I tell you what buddy. You go to school today, and tomorrow we'll spend the day together. We'll do whatever you want too."
JACOB: "Really?" He asks a little more happily.
ASHLEY: "Yep, just you and me!" I tell him with a wide smile at seeing him excited about something.
JACOB: "Promise?"
ASHLEY: "Promise Jake. We'll even see if Grandma and Grandpa Carlin can come. Sound good?"
JACOB: "YEA!" He says sitting up quickly. "Grandpa said he'd show me how to throw the football next time we saw each other!"
ASHLEY: "Alright, well then you go to school today and be good. And I'll call them and make sure they're not busy. If they're not, then we'll spend time with them. Ok?"
JACOB: "Yes!" He starts jumping on the bed chanting this over and over again, making me laugh.
ASHLEY: "Ok, well c'mon little man, bath time since we skipped it last night."
JACOB: "Ok mommy."
ASHLEY: "I'll race ya!" I tell him goofily.
Jake jumps off the bed and races to the door.
JACOB: "Slow poke!"
ASHLEY: "Hey you cheated!" I scream to his now absent form, and I hear him giggle from down the hall.
Shaking my head, as a chuckle escapes my lips.
There's my little boy.
---
I'm sitting in my third meeting of the day and it's only eleven a.m.! I've had six cups of coffee in the last two hours alone, and there's only more to be had in the next hour.
Me and my partner are currently meeting with our financial advisor to go over our annual budget, and with our book keeper who watches over the money spent and brought in. We try and do this at least once a month, every two at the longest time expanse. It's not like I don't have enough money to pay for everything, but I don't want to have to pay for everything. I know how to deal with all of this stuff, cause I've been doing it for the past five years, but it's getting so tiring. This is why I was so willing to sign on a partner. Plus since Dani went to college and majored in Business Management, she was easily accepted for the job. And it worked out perfectly since she's also a lover of music. So I let her take care of a lot of the more major business things, knowing she'll make the right choice for the company. I just have to be here to sign all the papers at the end since I still own the place.
I just can't help it. The whole financial side, and the business side of this, well business, is so boring. My passion for this studio is to be behind the scenes. On any given day, I'd rather be behind the switch board, producing the next big hit. Or even in with the band, helping them with whatever. One thing I have in common with my dad is that I love music. I love writing it, singing it, playing it. Every part of it flows through my veins every day. The only difference, is that my biggest passion doesn't lie behind performing. I'd much rather help other bands get there. I'd rather help write a song, and then help record it, and produce it. I love signing an unknown band and helping them become something big. And a lot of bands come to me because they know my name alone can get them heard of. And that's ok with me. Because I'd willing help any band with enough passion behind their music alone. So what if they use my name? I'm not looking for the popularity, just for the chance to get new music out there.
DANI: "Ok, well then I think we all agree that we're heading on a great track, and that the studio's been producing enough bands to keep us going for at least five years in the case of any unforeseen setbacks."
At this she bumps my arm to get me back into the conversation, which could only mean that it's almost over.
ADVISOR: "Yes ma'am. We certainly are. The studio is doing great Ms Davies and once again, no problems."
I nod my head in acknowledgement.
BOOK KEEPER: "Agreed, I do have a question though."
ASHLEY: "What's up?"
BOOK KEEPER: "Did you guys ever figure out who messed up the studio time-log with that band a week and a half ago?"
ASHLEY: "Yea. It turns out that the lead singer of the band was a real flirt. He coaxed our new producer who they were working with to only log one hour when they used three, so they wouldn't have to pay. I've already placed that producer on a two week suspension and 60 day probation for falling for his charm, and I told the band that they either pay up for their used time or they're gonna have a lawsuit so big thrown in their face that they'll be paying a portion of all their future earnings to me instead. They're supposed to have the money to me by the end of this week or I'm filing the lawsuit."
BOOK KEEPER: "Alright, well then we don't have a problem with any of our records except for this incident. So as soon as they have the money to you, deposit it per the usual and we'll be up to date on everything and balanced out."
DANI: "Not a problem." She says with a smile.
ADVISOR: "Ok, well then just sign the usual papers Ms Davies, saying that you understand everything, and are in agreement with everything we've talked about and we'll be on our way."
I look at Dani for confirmation that I could sign the papers and she nods once, which means yes.
I hold my hand out and one of the gentlemen places a cold metallic pen into it. I sign the necessary forms and stand.
ASHLEY: "Thank you gentlemen for your attendance this month. See you at the next appointed time." I say shaking their hands.
With that I turn and walk from the large conference room and head toward my private elevator to take me to my office.
Once I'm inside the elevator, with the doors closed, I punch in the key code and it starts moving.
I step into my office once the elevator doors open and take a deep breath. I walk more into the office, and make my way around, what used to be, my fathers dark oak desk. I stare out of the large grand windows, that cover the entirety of this side of my office, and out at the rising city before me. From this view I can see all of downtown LA.
When I finally turn away from the window, the first thing my eyes lock on is my dad's platinum albums still hanging from the wall.
As every other time that my eyes land on those albums, my mind wanders to that day I spent here with Spencer more than six years ago.
Flashback
SPENCER: "Ash?" She calls to me quietly.
ASHLEY: "Yea Spence?" I answer, not taking my eyes off the frame.
SPENCER: "Why'd you bring me here today? This is something I'm sure is very close to your heart and very private. Why share it with me?" She asks softly.
I look at her briefly before turning my attention back to the frame.
ASHLEY: "Well first of all, because you're very close to my heart as well Spencer. When I lost my dad, I felt like I lost my whole world. That is. . until I almost lost you that night on the beach." I say the last part quietly.
We haven't spoken of the shooting since Spencer was in the hospital. We kind of had this unspoken agreement to just move on and not dwell on it and all the "what if's?". To just start living every day together without any regrets.
ASHLEY: "I learned a lot when I lost my dad. I learned to treasure everything you have because you never know when it could be gone. I almost lost you that night Spencer. And I know, in a way, we agreed to put it behind us and to just live in the moment together for now on. But ever since that night, I've vowed to not hide anything from you. I know we haven't been together for long, but I can honestly say that I know I'm going to be spending the rest of my life with you. So I don't want any secrets between us. This building, this office, anything having to do with my dad. . it's the hardest thing for me to talk about to anyone. But I feel you need to know, because one day he's going to be your history too, even if you never got to know him. So I need you to see this office the same way he left it and I need you to know exactly what happened that night." I take a deep, shaky breath, and she squeezes my hand for reassurance. "And because it's you I need with me on the one year anniversary of his death. . . which is today."
I collapsed into Spencer's arms after that and just cried. And she held on to me until the tears ceased.
End Flashback
But today, something different comes from remembering that day. The ache in my chest hurts for other reasons than just my dad. Or because of the fact that it's a memory of me and Spencer. Instead, the ache in my chest is because of how long it took me to realize everything I said to her that day, before I broke down, was true. Spencer is my everything, and to this day I still want to spend the rest of my life with her. If anything has shown me that, it's been the events of these last few days.
I was stupid back then, but I refuse to be stupid again. I refuse to let her go again without fighting for her.
So then what the hell am I still doing here?!
Looking down, I grab my keys off of my desk and make a mad dash for my private elevator. As I get to the second floor, I stop the elevator there, and it let's me out into the hallway, outside of studio three. I take a few steps and just who I'm looking for walks out of studio two.
ASHLEY: "Ian!" I say and walk quickly towards him.
IAN: "Hey Ashley, what's up?" He asks weirdly, probably because of my current demeanor.
ASHLEY: "I need you to view the four new bands on your own today. I have some important stuff to take care of and it can't wait."
IAN: "Uhm, ok. I guess I can do the run-throughs with them and then set up finalization dates so you can view them."
ASHLEY: "Sounds perfect! Do that, and set the finalizations up for late next week, cause we have some artists recording at the beginning of the week."
IAN: "Alright Ash, will do." He's still looking at me funny.
ASHLEY: "Thanks Ian, see you later!" I say already at the doors to my private elevator.
Before the doors have a chance to get half way open, I'm out of the elevator and practically running towards the front doors.
ASHLEY: "Charity! I'm out of the office for the rest of the day on personal business. If anyone calls who's unimportant then take a message, otherwise connect them to my private line." I call out as I speed walk by her.
CHARITY: "Yes ma'am!" She calls in response, but I barely hear it as I burst through the front doors.
I nearly sprint to my car and I leave tire marks on the pavement as I peel out of the parking lot.
I make it to the Carlin's house in just under fifteen minutes, breaking every speed violation in existence on the way.
As I park my car in front of the house, I take a deep breath. When all of a sudden it hits me. What am I even going to say to her? Do I tell her I love her? Do I start off with what got me here? Do I tell her I'm going to fight this time no matter what? Ugh! There's so many ways I can take this.
I feel myself start to hyperventilate as my head starts spinning with all the different decisions. I clench my eyes shut tight and work on steadying out my breathing. Once it's in control, I slowly open my eyes and loosen my grip on the steering wheel.
When the next best realization hits me today. My heart. I'll just speak from my heart. Even if it comes out rambled, or if it comes out sounding stupid. I just have to tell her how I feel. Cause eventually it'll all be said anyways. So why worry about what to start with?
I nod to myself in agreement and shut the car off. I slowly get out of the car, reminding myself to breathe and stay calm so I don't hyperventilate again.
I get to the door and take one final, steadying breath before I hit the button for the doorbell.
???: "Oh hey Ash! What are you doing here so unexpectedly?" He asks me this question like it's routine, but I see the glint in his eye that tells me he knows exactly why.
Oh how I love Mr. C.
ASHLEY: "I need to speak to Spencer, Mr. C."
ARTHUR: "I had a feeling." He says this part a little more gravely, and the glint in his eye fades as he downcasts his gaze for a moment.
ASHLEY: "Is she here?"
ARTHUR: "No. . she's not."
ASHLEY: "When will she be back?" I ask quickly.
But suddenly this feels all too familiar.
Flashback
PAULA: "Hey Ashley."
ASHLEY: "Hey Paula. Uhm, is Spencer here?"
She looks puzzled for a second, as if I asked her the world's weirdest question.
PAULA: "You uh, you don't know?" She asks, tilting her head in the way Spencer does.
ASHLEY: "Know what?" I ask her confused.
PAULA: "Spencer's not here." She says slowly.
ASHLEY: "Well when will she be back? Cause I really need to talk to her."
PAULA: "No I mean, she's not in LA." I just stare at her wide-eyed. "You didn't know that?" She asks confused.
End Flashback
As I shake my head from the memory, I see the look in Mr. C's eyes. That look that says he's sorry.
ASHLEY: "When did she leave?" I barely whisper out, as the familiar lump forms in my throat.
ARTHUR: "This morning. She didn't say much, but from what I gathered, it was all just too much for her." He says softly, his gaze transfixed on his right hand twirling his wedding ring on his left ring-finger.
I nod my head and take a few steps backwards. My pace getting quicker with each touch to the sidewalk.
ARTHUR: "Ashley?" He calls after me, worry laced in his voice.
ASHLEY: "I'll see you later Mr. C." I call before sprinting back to my car.
BTW everyone.. I made that myspace for my fanfic fans and such. It's the homepage link on this profile. Check it out and add it if you want. -Mel