The Real World: Hogwarts
Episode I

Pairing: None. Ish. None yet.

Universe: Hogwarts, Year 6

Rating: M for language

Summary: Some people (cough, Shayalonnie and oblivionbaby) wanted to watch a reality show of just Hogwarts 24/7 and they roped me into it. If you enjoyed Bachelorette, then you sort of know what we're getting into now, except with even less substance. There will be a short post every day from now until Christmas, a gift from me to you.

Disclaimer: I've never actually seen any of the Real Worlds, or any reality show really except for Bachelor(ette) and Ink Master (which I love, talk Ink Master with me anytime) so this will have close to zero accuracy.

And now . . . have you missed Lee Jordan?

[Camera pans the Headmaster's office and shakes into place unsteadily, slowly zeroing in on where Albus Dumbledore sits expectantly at his desk. He is nursing his right hand and looking intently at something in front of him when Minerva McGonagall enters.]

Minerva: [sits down, props feet on Albus' desk, and leans back, a listless expression on her face as she reaches into the pocket of her robe and produces a Muggle cigar.] "Fawkes, give me a light, would you?" [The withered phoenix floats over and coughs up a few sparks, and she takes a slow puff, blowing a practiced ring of smoke into the air as Albus watches, vacantly amused.] "Albus." [She glances skeptically around the room.] "What the fuck is this?"

Albus: [smiles slowly, the familiar twinkle appearing in his eye] "Minerva, you do realize you're on camera." [He gestures behind her to where the camera jostles into place, as though the person holding it has finally managed to levitate it properly.]

Minerva: [looks into the camera and purses her lips in matronly disapproval before taking a long, deliberate pull from her cigar.] "Albus, you cocksucking whore - " [she coughs out a puff of smoke] " - what have you done now?"

Albus: [chuckles] "Lee, if you would, please?"

[A loud cough, and then Lee Jordan steps tentatively into camera view.]

Lee: "Er, hello, and welcome to - " [He looks up, gesturing to someone off screen] "We're rolling, right?"

[An incoherent response rumbles from off screen.]

Lee: "Right." [Clears his throat and then glances behind him; Minerva makes a face before transfiguring her still-lit cigar into a small insect, which Fawkes snatches from the air and eats, emitting a warbled crow of triumph.] "Sorry, Professor - "

Minerva: [lazily, flicking a speck of ash from her robe] "Jordan, just get to it, would you?"

Lee: [muttering to himself] "Right." [He straightens and someone passes him a mic from off screen, which he accepts, nudging his tie into place as he opens his monologue.] "This is the true story of the students and teachers who live at Hogwarts, and who have agreed to have their lives taped to find out what happens when people stop being polite … and start getting real."

Minerva: [interrupts, mouth open in disbelief] "What the fuck, Albus - "

Albus: [innocently] "What?"

Lee: [turns to face them; the camera zooms past him to focus on the two professors.] "Uh, guys - "

Minerva: "What has possibly possessed you to think this is a good idea, Albus?"

Albus: "Look, Minnie." [He shifts in his chair] "Here's the thing. There's some shit going down this year, okay, and I can't have you up my arse about everything I do this time - "

Minerva: [shrilly] "This time? Albus, you have literally never listened to me - "

Albus: [trumpeting loudly] "And like I always say, EVERYTHING IS TOTALLY FINE!"

Minerva: "Totally fine?" [She blinks at him in disbelief.] Albus Dumbledore, you unbelievable cockwarbler - "

Lee: [steps towards them carefully] "Again, Professors, just as a reminder - "

Minerva: "Quiet, Jordan, or I'll take ten points - "

Lee: [indignant] "Professor, I graduated last year!"

Albus: [to Minerva] "Minnie, no offense, but surely you've gathered at this point that I am the architect of a much grander scheme that could not possibly register in your teeny tiny mortal mind - "

Minerva: "Oh you son of a cunting - "

Albus: [continuing unfazed] "Look, I said no offense - "

Minerva: "That's not a thing, Albus, you can't just say that - "

Albus: "I don't mean you personally have a teeny tiny mind, just that all people who aren't me have teeny tiny minds - "

Minerva: "HOW VERY DARE YOU, ALBUS - "

Lee: [whispering to himself] "Holy balls - "

Minerva: " - I WILL FIGHT YOU, ALBUS, RIGHT NOW - "

Albus: [mumbling] " - don't understand why you're so sensitive, I feel like this is obvious - " [looks around] "Where's Severus, he'll get it - "

Minerva: [furious] "Oh no you don't!" [She clambers onto the desk and Fawkes screeches encouragingly from his perch, rowdily delighted.] "You tell me what's going on, Albus, or so help me - "

[Minerva reaches across to take Albus by the shoulders, shaking him and muttering "full offense" and "for the actual sake of fuck" as she struggles to throttle him.]

Lee: [steps in front of the camera, shouting] "Let's go meet the rest of the cast, shall we?"

[Camera cuts out; reopens on an interview scene as Harry Potter takes a seat in a chair, looking around.]

Harry: [confused] "Lee, what exactly - "

Lee, off screen: "You're doing great, Harry!"

Harry: "Oh, um, hi." [He looks into the camera and smiles awkwardly, as if he's been instructed to do so.] "I'm Harry."

Interviewer: "Your full name, please."

Harry: "Oh, sorry." [Flushes earnestly] "Harry Potter."

[Camera cuts to Draco interview.]

Draco: "Did he really forget to say his full name?" [scoffs] "What an idiot." [Looks confidently into the camera] "I'm Draco Malfoy."

Interviewer: "And your house?"

Draco: "Oh, I see, so you're pretending people don't know who I am, then?"

[Camera cuts to Hermione interview.]

Hermione: [brightly] "Hello, I'm Hermione Granger, I'm a Gryffindor Prefect and a sixth year, I'm really quite interested in arithmancy and ancient runes, though I'm also taking potions, astronomy, transfiguration - "

Interviewer: [hurriedly interrupts] "Yes, yes, okay - "

[Camera cuts to Seamus and Dean interview.]

Seamus: "Yeah, we'd really just prefer to do our interviews together."

Dean: "No reason."

Interviewer: "Okay, well, um - "

Seamus: "Listen, here's the thing, I think we all want to know if Potter's gay, right?"

Dean: "And Malfoy."

Interviewer: [hesitantly] "Well, let's not - "

Seamus: "And Weasley. And Corner. And Longbottom. And Goyle - "

Dean: [interrupts] "Do you think everyone is gay?"

Seamus: "Pretty much. Except me, obviously."

Dean: "Well, obviously."

Seamus: "I just feel like it would be more interesting if everyone were gay."

Dean: "Except you."

Seamus: "Right, I said that."

Dean: "Yes, right. Cool."

[Camera cuts to Pansy interview.]

Pansy: "Listen, how many times can I say fuck?"

Interviewer: "We'd prefer none."

Pansy: "Cunt?"

Interviewer: "Please don't."

Pansy: "Pussy. Twat."

Interviewer: "Really, if you could just stop, that'd be - "

Pansy: "I'm just listing by category but I feel I'm an equal opportunity swearer. Like - cock, surely cock's okay, you know, within the rigid confines of the patriarchy? Or dick?"

Interviewer: "Miss Parkinson - "

Pansy: "What about shitpouch?"

Interviewer: "No."

Pansy: "Thundercunt."

Interviewer: "Now you're just mixing words together."

Pansy: "Am I, though?"

[Cuts to Theo interview]

Theo: "So, can I say - "

Lee, off screen: "NO, NOTT, YOU FUCKING CANNOT - "

Theo: [sulking] "Ugh, balls."

[Cuts to Ron interview]

Ron: "Yeah, hi, I'm Ron Weasley - "

[Severus Snape enters the screen to walk through the corridor and does a double-take, pausing before taking a few steps back to scowl imperiously into the camera.]

Severus: "Weasley." [Narrows his eyes skeptically] "What is the meaning of this?"

Ron: [Glances nervously at the camera] "Er, I um - don't really know, sir."

Severus: "Get to class." [Scowls again] "And take five points from Gryffindor."

Ron: [in disbelief] "WHAT - Professor Snape! That's not - "

Severus: "Scamper off, Weasley, or it'll be another five."

Ron: [looks helplessly at the interviewer] "Aren't you going to do something?"

Interviewer: "Nah."

[Cuts to Luna interview.]

Luna: "Is this a documentary about finally revealing the truth about Nargles?"

Interviewer: "No."

Luna: [quietly] "Balls."

[Cuts to Blaise interview.]

Blaise: [Looks up as Draco sits down beside him] "What are you doing here?"

Draco: "Making your interview more interesting."

Blaise: "Debatable."

Draco: "Why, what were you going to say? 'I'm Blaise Zabini and I'm a Slytherin whose mummy is a husband-murdering, opera-singing tart'?"

Blaise: "Kind of."

Draco: "Oh. Carry on, then."

[Cuts to Ginny interview.]

Ginny: "Have you seen Dean?"

Interviewer: "He was with Seamus."

Ginny: "Fuck, I suspected that." [Tilts her head] "Harry's straight, right?"

Interviewer: "I really can't comment."

Ginny: "Eh, we'll circle back later."

[Cuts to Parvati and Lavender interview.]

Lavender: "I heard Ron got in trouble for doing this show. He's so interesting."

Parvati: "Ugh, Lavender, really?"

Lavender: "Like, not Harry Potter interesting, you know, but that's like - too much, you know what I mean?"

Parvati: "Stop."

Lavender: "Like, in terms of actual humor and substance - "

Parvati: "For the love of god, stop."

[Cuts to Draco interview.]

Draco: "Have you seen Granger? No reason. Did she say something about how she's a muggleborn?" [mutters to himself] "Stupid Granger with her stupid brain and hair and face."

Lee, off screen: "For fuck's sake, Malfoy, will you get out - "

[Cuts to Daphne and Pansy interview.]

Pansy: "You should give Daph extra screen time. She's got great tits."

Daphne: "Aw, Pans!" [gives her a playful shove] "You're sweet."

Pansy: "Oh, so I can say tits, then? Excellent."

Theo, off screen: "If she can say tits, then I'm saying tits - "

Lee, off screen: "Nott, I will fucking murder you dead - "

[Cuts to Vincent and Gregory interview.]

Vincent: "I'm Crabbe."

Gregory: "I'm Goyle."

Lee, off screen: "NEXT!"

[Cuts to Harry interview.]

Harry: "Has Malfoy been acting strangely to you?"

Interviewer: "I literally just met him."

Harry: "Yeah, but, there's a vibe there. Like a weird, something's off vibe, you know?"

Interviewer: "Okay - "

Harry: "A deathy, evil kind of vibe."

Interviewer: "I'm really not - "

Harry: "I'm saying I think Malfoy's a Death Eater."

[Cuts to Hermione interview.]

Hermione: "Harry said what? [rolls her eyes] "Ridiculous. As if Malfoy would ever - " [she pauses, looking lost in thought.] "Would he?"

Interviewer: "I don't know?"

Hermione: [shaking herself of the thought] "Anyway, as I was saying about S.P.E.W. - "

Lee, off screen: "Who the fuck let Granger back in?!"

[Cuts to Luna interview.]

Luna: "I think it's going to be a very interesting year." [she smiles and whispers] "We're going to burn this place to the ground."

Interviewer: "What?"

Luna: "What?"

[Cuts to Harry interview.]

Harry: "He's just like, doing this thing with his wrist, you know? And he was in Knockturn Alley, which - sketchy, right?"

Lee: [enters the screen, stomping over to Harry] "Merlin's ballsack, Harry, please - "

Harry: "Okay, but did I tell you about his weird thing with his wrist though?"

[Cuts to Albus interview.]

Albus: "What am I planning?" [smiles absently] "Oh, nothing. As I always say, it's the unknown we fear, when we - "

Minerva: [yelling offscreen] "Albus!"

Albus: [turns pale] "Shut it off. Hide. NOW."

[Camera jostles and the screen goes black.]

a/n: Happy December 1st, it's more of this shit every day til Christmas. Joy to the world!