Chapter 37
Joker watched the video of my shooting lesson and decided my performance was acceptable enough for me to join him on the job Saturday. As of yet he had not given me any details but it was only Thursday so there was plenty of time for him to fill me in. I spent the bulk of the day cleaning the hideout and the henchmen were none too pleased with me. I had them lugging around furniture, taking out copious amounts of trash and scrubbing floors, grumbling under their breaths throughout the duration. It was well worth it. When we were finished the place was practically spotless. I put up curtains and covered the nasty couches and chairs with slip covers, put new sheets on the beds and added some throw rugs, which I sent some of the henchmen to go out and buy. I liberally Fe-breezed the entire lair and put out scented candles to keep it smelling like anything other than dirt and man-sweat. It wasn't perfect but at least now it was livable. I had the guys grab a new set of coffee mugs and dishes for me since it grossed me out drinking coffee from mugs that stained and disgusting.
I scrubbed the bathroom thoroughly removing years of dirt and grime. You could actually see the ceramic in the bottom of the old claw foot tub again. I replaced the mildewed shower curtain and hung a new mirror since the old one was cracked down the center. I was very happy to get rid of our squeaky old mattress. I replaced it with a new pillow-top mattress, added a deep violet duvet cover and fluffy pillows. Now the guys wouldn't be able to hear us whenever we got a little romantic. I also found a stack of old newspapers that detailed some of J's previous heists, which I carefully framed and hung on the walls to spruce up our bedroom. I added a few lamps and a large area rug in a hunter green. I had to admit it looked amazing when I was done. When we were completely finished with the rest of the lair, I got showered and changed, blew out my hair, put on some light make-up then made a sandwich and went to go find Puddin. I was excited to show him what we'd accomplished.
He was in his lab today which was good since it was the one room in the place he had forbidden me from touching during my cleaning project. When I walked in he was tinkering with what looked to be a detonator. I cleared my throat to get his attention and he spared a quick glance at me.
"I thought my big, strong genius might appreciate a little lunch." I walked over and set the sandwich, a small bag of chips and a cold Zesti on the table by his elbow. He didn't look up from his work.
"Thanks Poo. Finish your little project?" I leaned over and placed my elbows on the table opposite him.
"Sure did Puddin, and I'd really like to show you when you can spare a few minutes." He soldered two wires together then closed up the casing and screwed it into place before he finally looked across the cluttered table at me.
"I'm actually done for the day, so I suppose now is as good a time as any."
I brought him from room to room and though he didn't say much I could tell he was impressed. I left the bedroom for last. When he walked in his face lit up. He walked over to one of the walls and read over the news articles I had hung up.
"Ha! My utility belt, I had almost forgotten about that. Look at this! My Joker Blimp. Batsy blew that up ages ago! And this was the time I almost got the chair, but I outsmarted those fascist bureaucrats by faking my own death and taking advantage of the double jeopardy law. Harley, this is wonderful!" I could feel my face break into a huge smile at his words.
"You really like it Puddin?" He was standing with his hands on his hips looking at his own face staring back at him from the articles.
"Indeed I do, Pumpkin." He turned and assessed the rest of the room. He walked over to the bed. "Is this new?"
"Yeah Puddin it is. Sit down and try it out!" He sat on the edge of the mattress and bounced up and down a few times before falling back onto it with his arms out to his sides.
"Oh, this is nice." He sat up and continued looking around. He stood and walked into the bathroom and gave it a once over. "You really outdid yourself Harley. Color me impressed." My smile was so large my face was fit to split.
"I'm really glad you like it Puddin. Your men aren't too thrilled with me, but too bad. As long as you're happy, let them be sore at me." His eyes twinkled as he gave me a sly look.
"You enjoyed bossing them around today didn't you?" I gave him a cheeky grin.
"Yeah, I totally did. Having underlings who jump when you bark an order was pretty fun, I have to admit." He closed the distance between us and wrapped his arms around my waist.
"You know Harley, you have really quite impressed me of late. I think you deserve a reward for all of your hard work and dedication. How about we get dressed up and have a night out on the town?" I squealed in glee.
"You mean a date night Puddin?" he nodded, "Yay! What did you have in mind?"
"Well back in Arkham you did tell me you had never been to the Iceberg Lounge. It's a shame that dress of yours from New Year's Eve is back at your apartment though. I would have loved to show you off in that." I batted my lashes at him.
"Well as luck would have it, that dress isn't back at my apartment. It's over at Red's." The corner of his mouth quirked up.
"Oh really now?" he pulled a burner phone from his pocket and handed it to me. "Call the weed and let her know I'm sending someone over to collect it within the hour." He left the bedroom and I heard him calling for Leo to grab a set of keys and get ready to leave on an errand. I dialed Red.
"Hello?"
"Hey girlfriend! How's it hanging?" I heard her give a small sigh of relief.
"Harley, I'm so glad to hear from you. I was starting to get worried."
"Nothing at all to worry about Red. Things are just great! I've never been better."
"Well that's good." I could hear the skepticism in her voice. "So that psychotic boyfriend of yours is behaving himself then?"
"Yeah Pammy, he's great! In fact, he's taking me out for a date night later on. That's why I'm calling. Mistah J is sending one of his guys over to pick up the dress I left at your place. Oh and, not to nitpick, but he's not psychotic, he's a psychopath. There is a difference." She scoffed through the phone.
"Whatever Harley. So where is he taking you?"
"The Iceberg Lounge! Isn't that exciting?"
"I suppose if it's your first time it is. Personally I've been before and I prefer the company of my plants to the trash that washes up there." I huffed out an impatient breath.
"Pam, you prefer the company of your plants to pretty much everybody so that doesn't really surprise me. Well I'm excited, it's our first real date! Look, I know you and Mistah J don't really get along but could you maybe just try to be a little happy for me? You are my best friend after all." Her voice softened.
"Okay Harley. I'll get your dress out of the closet, have J send his guy over. I really hope you have a good time tonight, okay."
"Thanks Red, you're the best! Gotta run though, lots to do to get ready!"
"Bye Harl."
I disconnected the call and jumped up and down in excitement. My first date with my Puddin and we were going to a fancy, exclusive nightclub. I couldn't be happier.
Leo came back at about five in the afternoon with my dress, shoes, necklace and gloves. I busied myself with curling my hair and putting it in an up do. It was nowhere near as nice as when Ross had styled it, but it's not like I could just walk into a hair salon these days without the possibility of being arrested. I wimbled about how to do my makeup. I couldn't decide if I should just go glam like I did on New Year's Eve, or if I should go more with the clown motif since it would be my first time out in public with Joker. I finally decided to go somewhere in-between. I put a very thin layer of the clown white on my face, you could still see my own natural skin tone show through. I went with a dark smoky eye, light blush and crimson lipstick. I went through the items Betty had gotten me from Veronica's Secret and found a garter belt and lace topped thigh high stockings and a lacy thong to pair with it. I didn't need a bra since the dress was a corset top. I was standing in the bedroom in my lingerie about to put on my dress when J came out of the bathroom in nothing but a towel. He had showered and styled his green locks with pomade into a low pompadour. He was wearing cologne tonight, which was unusual for him, but it smelled wonderful, a little spicy and somewhat aquatic. He stopped and looked me over and a hint of lust glowed in his eyes.
"You look almost good enough to eat Pumpkin." I nibbled my bottom lip, seeing my man shirtless always made me a little moist in the panties. There was no time for a tryst if we were going to make our dinner reservation.
"Well maybe for dessert I'll give you a little taste of my pie when we get home, Puddin." He slapped my ass as he walked past me to grab his tuxedo from the wardrobe.
"Naughty girl. Don't tease."
He pulled on a pair of green satin boxers then began the ritual of dressing. I rummaged in the drawer for his cuff links and tie and helped him with both. His tuxedo was purple with tails. He chose a green dress shirt, orange waistcoat and a purple tie. He put on his black patent leather shoes and white spats as I began the process of getting into my dress. I tightened the stays as much as I could but I ended up needing J to help me towards the end. I put on my shoes and finished the look off with the faux ruby necklace and the red gloves. J assessed me when I was finished.
"You look lovely my dear, but there's something that's just off." I was suddenly very self-conscious.
"What's the matter Mistah J, is it my hair? Or do you not like my makeup?" He held his chin and cocked his head slightly to one side.
"No, no. That's not it at all." He playfully smacked his head with his hand. "I know what it is!" He walked over to the dresser and pulled a large square velvet box out of the top drawer. He walked over and handed it to me. I stared at it for a moment, confused. "Well, go on Poo. Open it."
I slowly lifted the lid. I sucked in a breath and stared in awe at the necklace inside. It was ruby, real rubies, not the cheap glass gems I currently had on, and 24 carat gold. It was exquisite.
"Oh my God Puddin! It's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen!" He came behind me and unclasped the fake around my neck.
"Well there's no need for a gaudy knockoff when I happen to have the real thing on hand." He picked the ruby necklace up out of the box and fastened it, then spun me around so I could see us both in the full length mirror on the inside of the wardrobe door. "There, that's much better." I gazed at him in the mirror in utter adoration.
"Thank you Puddin. I love it!" I turned and wrapped my arms around his neck. "And I love you. How did I ever get so lucky?" He chuckled.
"You broke my nose, remember? How could I not be attracted to a girl with enough moxie to punch out the evil, dastardly Joker?" he said playfully. I giggled and went up on my tiptoes to press my mouth to his. He broke the kiss, pulled his pocket watch out and checked the time. "Time to get going kiddo. We're already fashionably late."
We put on our coats and headed out to the car that was idling in the back alley for us. Rocco was at the wheel tonight and he got out of the car to open the door for us. Twenty minutes later we were pulling up to the rear entrance of the Iceberg Lounge. We were greeted by a large bouncer in a black tuxedo who led us through a long darkened hallway and up a flight of stairs that opened onto a magnificent balcony that overlooked the entire club. The décor was amazing. Everything was made of glass and crystal, the floors, walls, ceiling, stairs and bannisters. In the center of the main floor was a gigantic pool with a huge stage in the shape of an actual iceberg. There were showgirls dancing on it as live penguins and seals lazed around the perimeter. The chandeliers looked like stalactites of ice suspended from the ceiling. The bouncer led us to a large round booth that gave us a perfect view of both the stage and the dancefloor below us.
"Mr. Joker, Miss Quinzel, your first bottle is on the house, compliments of Mr. Cobblepot." Joker smiled widely.
"Well tell old Ozzie we appreciate his generosity. We'll take a bottle of the Krug Clos d'Ambonnay." The man gave a quick bow.
"Excellent choice Mr. Joker, sir." He hurried away as I stared at my Puddin in awe. Within moments a waitress in a body suit, a tuxedo tailcoat and fishnet tights brought over a tall ice bucket. She presented the bottle to us and J nodded. She quickly popped the cork and poured two glasses of the rich golden champagne before retreating into the shadows. She was immediately followed by a tall, thin waiter in an all-white tuxedo who presented us with menus.
"Is there anything at all I can get you Mr. Joker or would you like a few moments to peruse the menu?"
J looked up and told the waiter "We'll start off with," and then he rattled off some words that must have been in another language because I had no idea what on earth he had just ordered. The only word I did make out was oysters. Yuck.
I eyed the menu warily and there was very little I recognized until I came to Filet Mignon. I knew that was steak so I felt pretty safe ordering it. I glanced around the room and discovered that I actually recognized quite a few faces in the room. Jervis Tetch, who was wearing a green suit and top hat was sitting at a table with two rather rotund gentlemen who were wearing garish yellow shirts and red suits, a woman who looked like a playboy bunny dominatrix in pink and white and a short brunette who had on overall shorts and was wearing a tool belt. On the other side of the room I recognized Edward Nygma who was sitting with Jonathan Crane. Arnold Wesker and Scarface were in a booth not all that far to the left of us sitting with a short Italian looking fellow who was beside a man who was the size of a tank. Then I saw someone who puzzled me entirely.
"Puddin?" J looked up from his menu and I pointed at a tall brunette sitting at the bar.
"Yes Harley?"
"Do you know that woman?" He squinted in the direction I was pointing.
"Yes of course. That's Catwoman. Why?" I blinked at him several times in confusion.
"That's my neighbor, well my old neighbor Selina Kyle. She's Catwoman?" J started chuckling.
"You mean to tell me you lived next to Catwoman and you didn't even know it? Ha, that's fantastic!"
"Now I get the whole crazy cat lady shtick." I giggled, "It was her cat I put Batsy's tracker thingy on. Hope that didn't end up causing her any trouble."
"Well I doubt it did, she and Batsy have been on again off again for years."
"What? Are you serious? She screwed that Bat? No freaking way!"
"No really it's true. Ask her yourself." Joker began to wave and call out across the room. "Yoo hoo, Selina! Selina dear, hellooo!" Slowly Catwoman turned her head and glared daggers at J, but she got up and began stomping over.
"Joker. What the hell do you want?" He grinned widely and gestured towards me.
"Hey there pussycat! My girlfriend tells me you were neighbors." She squinted her eyes and looked at me until recognition hit her and her eyes widened like saucers.
"It's you! The shrink from Arkham!" She leaned down and pointed her finger in my face. "Thanks to you I had to move. Do you know how hard it is moving thirty-five cats? Thanks for bringing the heat down on the entire building you twit!" She glanced between me and J for a moment. "Wait a minute, you and the Joker? No, you can't be serious! What kind of sick freak are you sister?" I crossed my arms over my chest.
"Hmpf. Well at least I'm not banging the Bat sweetheart!" She was getting flustered.
"That is none of your damn business!" J was happily resting his chin on his joined hands watching the spectacle unfold.
"Heh. You were right Puddin. She is bumping uglies with Batsy! I never realized he was a cat person." J just continued to smile as he watched Selina start to lose her temper.
"Oh how I love a good catfight! Be careful Pumpkin, this one hasn't been declawed."
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a short, stout man quickly waddling towards our table. He was immaculately dressed in a custom made tux and top hat with a monocle in one eye.
"Selina dear, Holly has been looking for you. I have taken the liberty of moving you both to an exclusive table. Drinks on the house of course. Now if you will kindly follow Trey, he'll show you the way." She glared at both Joker and I.
"Fine Oswald, I've had enough of these two clowns anyway!"
She stormed off following one of Oswald's men to the other side of the balcony. The little man wiped a bead of sweat from his brow with a finely made, hand embroidered handkerchief as he let out a deep breath. He turned and plastered a smile on his face as he addressed us.
"Joker, how wonderful to see you again. I hope the service has been satisfactory so far. And this delightful creature must be the ebullient Miss Quinzel. How very lovely to meet you my dear." He reached out and took my hand kissing the back of it and I was suddenly very glad I had chosen to wear gloves. J leaned back and placed an arm around my shoulders.
"Well hey there Pengers! Thanks for the bubbly, buddy! Looks like business is good!"
"Yes, well with the unexpected release of the entire Rogues Gallery from Arkham we have had a bit of a full house here most evenings." He turned his head towards me. "I hear through the grapevine that I have you to thank for the influx of patrons Dr. Quinzel."
"It's Harley now, Harley Quinn."
"My apologies my dear Miss Quinn. May I just say that it is splendid to hear that you've taken the consummate bachelor here off the proverbial market!" He turned back to J "Joker I never thought I'd see the day, but if I may say so one would be a fool to let this beautiful young lady slip away. Congratulations to you both! If there is anything at all you may need please let Demetri there know." He pointed to a tall bald man in a three-piece pinstriped suit who was standing next to the bar. "Now if you will both excuse me I have to make the rounds. Miss Quinn, lovely to have met you. Joker, a pleasure as always." He gave a quick half bow and waddled off.
"So that's the Penguin, Puddin?"
"Indeedy do, Poo. Ah it appears our appetizers have arrived."
The wait staff placed down several dishes and I was appalled to discover that at least three of them were some kind of seafood. The one plate that didn't smell fishy looked like some kind of a patè. We gave the waiter our dinner orders and J dove into the food before us.
"Um Puddin? What exactly is all this stuff?"
He pointed to the first plate that smelled very heavily of fish, "This is Fugu, a highly poisonous Japanese fish, however when prepared correctly an utter delicacy. These are Coffin Bay King Oysters from Australia. They're an aphrodisiac you know." He said as he pointed at a plate that looked like globs of phlegm on the half shell. "This here is Asestra caviar, one of the finest in the world." He was pointing to a jar of little black balls that was served with tiny potatoes, toast rounds and some kind of white creamy stuff. "And last but not least is the foie gras."
"That's not fish is it?"
"No Poo, it's not fish. Why?
"Because I kind of have this thing about fish is all."
I scooped a little of the pate onto a cracker and cautiously took a bite. It was creamy and kind of melted on your tongue but it had a metallic undertone that reminded me vaguely of the few times my mom had made me eat chopped liver as a kid.
"So what exactly is fwa-grass?" He chuckled at me as he slurped down an oyster.
"It's foie gras Pumpkin and its goose liver patè. What do you think?" I wrinkled my nose as I quickly washed my mouth out with a swig of champagne.
"I think I'm not cut out for hoity toity fancy foodie type stuff Puddin." He almost choked on his champagne from the unexpected chortle that burst out of him.
"Oh Harley, you do know how to make me laugh."
Our dinners came and I have to admit it was the best steak I had ever had in my life. After the main course we had cappuccinos and shared a sinfully decadent chocolate pyramid that was almost too pretty to eat. I had noticed throughout our meal that we were getting a lot of looks bordering on stares from the other patrons. It made me a little uncomfortable, but J was loving it. I knew he was vain and I suppose I couldn't blame him for being proud of the attention since it was the first time in his life, well at least since his accident, that he had a pretty girl on his arm to show off. Once our bellies settled J suggested we mingle. Our first stop was at Nygma and Crane's table. J didn't ask to join them but simply took the nearest empty chair and sat down. I followed his lead.
"Nygma." The Riddler scowled at J.
"Joker. What are you doing here?"
"Just showing my lady a night on the town." Nygma looked at me. It took a moment since we had only ever met once before but realization suddenly dawned on him.
"You're the shrink, Dr. Quinzel, right?"
"It's Harley Quinn now. I think, much like Jonathan here, that my medical license has probably been revoked at this point." Jonathan looked at me.
"I suppose we all have you to thank for our early release. I may not be fond of the why of it, but I am appreciative all the same Harley." I quirked a smile at him.
"No problem Jonathan, I was glad to help everyone out. What are you up to now that you're on the outside?" He brightened at the question.
"Well I'm currently working on a new strain of my fear toxin. It's much more potent and has the pot-" Joker interrupted.
"Blah, blah, blah. Can the nerd speak Craney, I don't want my date falling asleep from the boredom." Riddler looked stunned.
"You. You and…he. Are you? No certainly not." Joker rolled his eyes.
"Oh spit it out already Nygma! You want to know if she's riding the J-Train and the answer to that is a big fat yes!"
"Puddin!" I must have turned twenty different shades of pink. Nygma sputtered and didn't quite know how to respond.
"Well fellas, lots of folks to talk to, we really must be off. See you geeks around!"
He chuckled as we walked away from the two dumbfounded rogues. We did make the rounds. Joker paraded me around the room like a new toy he couldn't wait to show the other kids but refused to share. We stopped and spoke with Jervis who introduced me to Jenna Duffy the Carpenter, Jaina Hudson the White Rabbit, Tweedledum and Tweedledee of the Wonderland gang. Jervis was quite appreciative of the unexpected release and offered his help to us if ever we needed his services. He was very different when not in the asylum and dosed to the gills with anti-psychotics. He may be a strange looking little man but he was rather sweet and I couldn't help but like him. We stopped to talk to Arnold, but Scarface was apparently in a mood so we left them after a few minutes.
Finally, J turned to me and asked, "Do you know how to Tango?" My eyes lit up.
"Well it's been awhile but yeah I do. I took a ballroom class for my cousins wedding a couple of years ago."
He offered me his arm and I looped mine through it as he led me down the grand staircase to the dance floor. I was a little nervous about being on the main floor. This was where all the "normal" people were and I wasn't quite sure the two of us being seen out in the open like this was wise. He had me wait as he went to talk to the band leader. I saw J slip him a bill and within a minute a lively tango began.
I was surprised to discover that Joker was an amazing dancer. He knew how to lead and was easy to follow. Within moments the dance floor cleared out and we began to draw a crowd as he spun and strutted me around the floor. Whenever he would dip, spin or swing me around we received applause from those gathered. I found myself forgetting my misgivings and just enjoying myself. I wasn't used to being the center of attention and I could see why J loved it so much. It was a heady feeling. As the song came to an end J dipped me elaborately and leaned in to kiss me in front of God and everyone. I was ecstatic.
That feeling was short lived of course. When we left the dancefloor to a loud round of applause I noticed someone familiar out of the corner of my eye. Standing there on the outskirts of the dance floor was Bruce Wayne. J was still enjoying the adulation of the crowd when I leaned in and whispered harshly.
"Puddin. We gotta get out of here right now! The jig is up!" He gave me a confused stare.
"What do you mean Pooh Bear?"
"Bruce Wayne is here and he knows me. I'm friends with his ward remember. I've eaten dinner with his family. He is staring right at us and if I know him, he's already called his buddy Commissioner Gordon and the GCPD will bust in here any minute. C'mon, let's go!"
We tried walking out as casually as possible, but as soon as we hit the back hall we sprinted as J called Rocco to meet us out back pronto. The car pulled up as we dashed out the back door and we both jumped in as quickly as we could. I could already see the flashing lights and hear the sirens approaching. As Rocco tore through the alleyway, Bruce burst out the back door of the club staring at our vehicle as we tore around the corner and out of sight. We had to have one of our other henchmen meet us with a different car, a van this time, and Rocco had to ditch the previous one in the Gotham River to avoid being spotted or traced.
We made it back to the lair without incident. We were lucky this time. We needed to be a little more circumspect in the future or we'd both be back in Arkham before we could blink. Once safely ensconced in our bedroom I was finally able to release the breath I was holding as I sunk down onto the bed, my knees having gone watery. Joker wasn't nearly as concerned as I was, in fact he thought the whole thing was a pretty fine joke.
"Did you see the look on Brucie boy's face? Oh it was priceless! I don't think I've ever seen him so angry. You must have made quite an impression on him sweetheart. Ha ha ha!"
I kicked my shoes off and began pulling off my gloves. I wasn't half as amused as he was. I tried reaching the tie to the stays on the back of my dress as I pointedly ignored him. Suddenly I felt him grab the ties and pulled out the knot so I could wiggle out of my dress. He leaned his head down to my ear.
"Oh come on Pumpkin. I know you got a little nervous, but you have to admit it was a fun night out." I rolled my eyes.
"It was Puddin, but we've gotta be more careful. We both could have been arrested tonight and then what?"
"Well, we regroup and when the time is right we escape. The threat of incarceration has never stopped me from having fun before, why would it now?"
"Look Puddin, I know it hasn't but you have to understand that I've never even gotten a speeding ticket before. The thought of going to Arkham as a patient, or even worse to federal prison scares the shit outta me!"
"Awwww, Sweety, Darling, Pumpkin Pie. Would I ever let anything bad happen to you? You worry too much! Loosen up and enjoy yourself! That's my motto." I took off the dress and hung it up in the wardrobe.
"I know Mistah J and I don't mean to put a damper on your good time but I'm not a super villain like you. If I go to jail, I won't be respected like you are. It could get really ugly for me."
"Well not yet you aren't but you're making your big debut this week! Harley, do you trust me?"
"Yes Mistah J, you know I do." He lifted my chin with his hand so I was looking in his eyes.
"Then just relax and leave it to me okay Pumpkin? Now," He eyed the bed then looked back at me, "I believe we have a brand new mattress that needs christening." I couldn't help it, I laughed despite myself. Then his lips were on mine and any other thoughts I may have had, left my head as another more demanding part of my body took control.