Title: Everywhere I'm Not
Author: rekkidbraka
Rating: T
Pairings: Tony D. and Ziva D.
Category: Romance
Disclaimer: No infringement intended.
Spoilers: None
Summary: It's Tony and Ziva vs. McFlea and Baby Sarah when McFlea is a bad, BAD boy.
-------------------- Everywhere I'm Not ---------------------
Ziva stood over the crib, arms folded over her chest, a stern look on her face. She couldn't believe what she was seeing. It was there, right before her eyes, but it was just too much to take in.
Baby Sarah lay snoring beneath her favorite blanket, Tony The Tiger at her side. Jenny Giraffe watched over them at the head of the crib.
At the foot of the crib, Silly Monkey lay "sleeping" in his brightly-colored Mexican serape.
And nestled beside him, black snoot peeking out from under the serape, was a conked-out McFlea.
"TONY!" Ziva yelled, knowing by now that nothing short of a trainwreck would wake Baby Sarah -- or their new puppy, who was snoozing exactly where he wasn't supposed to be.
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"Bad dog!" Tony scolded, picking McFlea up out of Sarah's crib. "BAD DOG!" McFlea, dazed from being so suddenly awakened, yawned. His eyelids drooped and his tongue hung out the side of his mouth.
Baby Sarah sat up, rubbing her eyes with her tiny fists. She, too, was confused at what was going on.
"Da-Da?" she asked, looking up at Tony, her face sad at seeing McFlea in her daddy's hands. "Doggy?" Sarah reached out both her hands as if to take McFlea back from Tony. Tony frowned at this, raising an eyebrow.
"No, Snugglepumpkin," he said softly, "Doggy can't sleep with you. Daddy and Mommy say 'no.' Doggy has to sleep in his own bed." McFlea yawned again, limp in Tony's hands. Sarah stuck out her bottom lip, taking Tony The Tiger into her arms.
"Doggy!" she cried, clearly unhappy. "DOGGY!" Tony was surprised. He'd never seen Baby Sarah get so fussy. But he knew he had to stand his ground.
"NO, Sarah!" Tony said firmly. "Daddy says NO."
Sarah pouted, giving Tony an angry look, before she and Tony The Tiger hid under her blanket.
Somebody's gonna be Crankypants all day now, Tony thought, rolling his eyes, as he left the nursery. "Happy?" he snapped at McFlea, who responded with another yawn.
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Tony and Ziva snuggled on the couch, watching the Ohio State game. Yet again, Tony tried explaining American football to his wife. Ziva wasn't picking up the rules but she loved the tackling and hard hits.
McFlea trotted across the room with Silly Monkey in his mouth. He deposited the toy in Sarah's lap, she giggled and patted McFlea on the head. Tony The Tiger and Jenny Giraffe watched quietly from where they sat on either side of Sarah. Then McFlea picked Silly Monkey up again and trotted over to the end of the couch, leapt up and sat looking at Ziva and Tony, shaking Silly Monkey at both of them.
"We," Ziva said to Tony as she locked eyes with McFlea, "have a little problem."
Baby Sarah fell on the floor, kicking and laughing at McFlea's antics.
"Two little problems," Tony sighed.
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Abby sat on the floor, facing McFlea. She peered into his brown eyes, searching them with hers.
"How long has this been going on?" Ziva asked, staring at the odd sight.
"Couple hours," Tony answered. "She's tapping into his aura."
"What?" Ziva said, looking completely confused. "I do not understand."
"Me neither," Tony whispered. "Don't ask, Sweet Cheeks. Just go with it."
"Uh-huh," Abby said, knitting her brow. "Hmmm... yeah... yeah... I hear you, man. That IS rough for a little guy." She nodded understandingly. McFlea yapped, wagging his tail. "Cool," Abby said, nodding again. "OK, but you gotta see where THEY'RE coming from, too, y'know? I know it's hard getting used to the new 'rents and you wanna impress your big sister but you gotta do your part, too, dude." McFlea whined softly. "Of COURSE they still love you! Awww... that is so SWEET!" Abby looked like she might cry. Turning to Ziva and Tony, she said, "He thinks he's going to the POUND and he's so SO sorry for acting up. He says he loves Silly Monkey because Silly Monkey smells like Tony and he likes the way his daddy smells -- like stinky cologne." Tony grimaced; Ziva snickered.
Abby addressed Tony: "Look, McFlea here is just a Daddy's Boy, that's all. Wherever you go, he wants to go with you. He sniffs you out in Sarah's crib and that's where he wants to sleep. Also, he says it's warmer there and he knows she'd protect him from any mean cats who might come after him because she's a ninja and cats are scared of them. Ninjas, I mean. It's a whole ninja-cat-fight thing. Been going on for centuries. Anyway..." Abby's face took on a sad look. "He told me you can take him back to the mean doctor if you want to because he's been such a bad boy." Abby jumped up, yanking Tony into a fierce hug. "But don't DO that, Tony! Please!"
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"Stinky cologne, huh?" Tony groused from his place on the couch, watching McFlea and Baby Sarah play Zoo in the middle of the living room floor. Sarah propped her animals on McFlea's tiny back and he gave them rides around the room.
"He is obviously much smarter than I thought," Ziva snarked, looking up at Tony. Baby Sarah toddled over to her, placing Jenny Giraffe in her lap so Jenny could "read" with Ziva. "Thank you, my princess," Ziva said, smiling, to Sarah. Sarah clapped with satisfaction and returned to the Zoo.
"Fine!" Tony snapped, pouting. "Mr. Stinky Cologne Man's gonna go take a BATH!" He rose from the couch and left the room in a snit. Ziva chuckled, watching him. Baby Sarah giggled, hugging Tony The Tiger to her chest. McFlea pricked up his little ears. He sat straight up, cocking his head to one side.
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"Everybody's WORKIN' for the WEEEEEEK-END!" Tony sang in a falsetto voice, bubbles all around him as he soaked in his hot bath. "Everybody's GOIN' off the DEEEEEEEP end! Everybody NEEDS some TRUE RO-MAAAAANCE!" He groaned with pure pleasure as he soaped his shoulders with the backscrubber.
Then he noticed that he had an audience.
"What're YOU lookin' at?" he barked, frowning. "Daddy's in the TUB! Can't a man have any PRIVACY?"
McFlea's tongue hung out the side of his mouth, his black paws stood in stark contrast to the white porcelain of the tub. His ears were pricked up as he studied his master. He yapped, tail wagging, in answer to Tony's question.
"NO!" Tony snapped. "You are NOT comin' in here! MY bubble bath! No McHOUNDS allowed!" McFlea whimpered. Tony pointed towards the bathroom door, which was cracked open. "OUT! GOODBYE! ADIOS! AM-SCRAY!" When McFlea simply yapped happily in reply, Tony yelled "ZEEEEEE-VAAAAAHHHH!" All he heard was Ziva and Baby Sarah, laughing from the living room. Traitors, Tony thought.
McFlea tried scrambling into the tub but slipped back with each try, his paws unable to grip the slick porcelain.
"Ha HAH!" Tony laughed, sticking his tongue out in jest every time McFlea fell back onto his rump. "Serves you RIGHT, McHardhead!"
McFlea lay down on the tiled floor, whining sadly. Tony rolled his eyes.
Why ME? Tony thought, sighing. Why am I SO damn irresistible?
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"If you stay in that bath much longer," Ziva said, leaning in the doorway to the bathroom, "you will turn into a grape, Tony." Baby Sarah, in her mother's arms, frowned at her daddy, who sat covered in bubbles.
"Prune, my bride," Tony corrected. "And blame HIM," he went on, pointing to the foot of the tub, "HE won't get out!" McFlea's black snoot emerged from a mountain of white foam. Ziva and Baby Sarah both laughed.
"Does he like your new scent, my little Furry Butt?" Ziva teased. She picked up a pink bottle. "Mr. Bubble? It IS an improvement over... stinky cologne." Baby Sarah couldn't stop laughing, the words "Da-Da" coming under her breath between little giggles. Tony growled at them as they left.
"Man's Best Friend," Tony muttered sarcastically, narrowing his eyes at McFlea, who barked happily from his end of the tub, a crown of bubbles atop his little black head, as he wagged his tail. "And what kinda McMutt needs a baby ninja to protect him from CATS?"