Chapter 4

The days went on calmer, but stale. I went to the back wall with Gregory every day for watch and "training" which was just keeping watch and few sparse conversation, always started by Gregory. He must have thought I was boring and distant and I was surprised that he showed up at my door every day to collect me to join him. He never seemed unhappy with our arrangement as he was always on time or early. It was like he was trying to model for me what can happen if we just hold on.

But I was stagnant here. My skills weren't often used. We only shot walkers from the wall. There was no real threat which I hurt to say, took the fun out of everything. I needed the rush of being out there again. Three weeks in Woodbury made me stiff and restless.

I woke up one morning feeling rested finally. It had been a long time that I actually didn't feel tired in some way as the dreams never went away. I'd see the group every night living on somewhere else, I'd see Daryl's face mock me as if he didn't see me, and I'd often wake up crying. I never let it drag me down like I had the first week I was here.

I still felt restless. I needed to go somewhere. Mom wasn't around and neither was Emily so I had nothing in the way of roaming. I was off of watch for the day so my clear list made me want to go even more.

I grabbed my weapon and found Lucic right outside. I then took to wandering the streets just looking around. I wandered the front street then the alleyways but still feeling restless I needed to find more. I was in the back of a building when I found a door with wood holding it closed. I needed to know what was on the other side, so I pulled the nailed wood down when I was sure no one else was anywhere in the dark building. The rooms were empty which made me think the building wasn't used for anything.

With the wood down I took a deep breath in and yanked the door open. I was blinded by sunlight when I took a step out into the outside world again. I could feel the moist, sick air cling to me and smell death in the wind. I didn't miss this but I did miss the rush, the almost animal like feeling of roaming and killing.

I looked back behind me and saw no one holding me back then ahead and bolted for it. The walls had no view of me here and no one would ever know. The door was shut but not locked so I could just go.

I ran down blocks and block of houses and streets. I saw post offices and fire houses. Schools and dentist offices. Tress hanging with Spanish moss around every corner brought life to my eyes again. I stopped at a large house a few block away from Woodbury and noticed a very nice car in the drive way. I was half tempted to take it for a spin when something else grabbed my attention. By a mail box a few houses down on the pavement sat a walker. Fat and ugly, it's face bubbling with blood and puss. Its legs were flattened to the road with tire tracks.

I walked over slowly, assessing the area around me. This was the only one in sight and Lucic took to growling. The walker was competing with its growls and snarls. It reached forward with all its might but it couldn't possibly move. I neared it and started to laugh. It was so pitiful just sitting there, starving. Oh, how I felt so powerful over it. I felt no remorse for its current state and I didn't care. I slid out my knife and in one quick motion, I slammed it into the top of its soft skull, silencing the beast.

When I yanked the knife back out, blood and goo dripped off the blade and down my hand. I inspected my hand and felt the rush through me again. This was not the life I craved but it was the one I needed to still be a part of.

I hooted and hollered with joy and I took off running down the rest of the street. I felt so alive, something I hadn't really felt in a long time. I went by slicing any that came too close but there weren't anywhere near enough to cause a problem, thanks to Woodbury I assumed.

The sun started to set and I finally took the turn and headed home. Half way back I noticed a nice size lake behind some houses. In the center was a little island with a few small trees on it. I went over to the quiet water and rinsed my hands which were covered in dried blood. Lucic jumped in the water beside me and I smiled at him. I knew this whole thing was crazy and I should have been afraid to ever step foot outside of Woodbury again, but I couldn't help but think that this was the only way to fill my time correctly. Work just didn't do it. The wall was too quiet and uneventful. I had too much time to think. The group popped into my mind too often and it was draining.

Maybe this new found freedom would help me move on. Maybe it was going to take something drastic to reset me. I needed to allow Woodbury to become my new home, something I hadn't yet done.

When I got back it was time for dinner. I pulled the wood over the door again but didn't nail it back. It was locked and free for me to use whenever necessary.

I found mom and Emily at dinner just as Emily was about to take watch shift. I sat down with them and got my plate.

"There you are," mom said. "I was wondering where you'd gotten off to."

"I just needed to explore this place, I guess." She looked at me with almost surprise that I was talking, really talking. Gregory wasn't the only one I'd been distant with.

"Well, I'm happy you found something useful to do then." She was almost condescending but then I remembered what she'd said about the snake in the garden. Maybe she thought I was snooping around. I didn't feel like I needed to clarify that to her. It would probably be best if she thought that was I all I'd been doing.

"Hey, I was looking for you today." A voice said behind me as I stood up to get rid of my dishes.

"Oh, Gregory. Sorry, I needed a day to myself. I was feeling a little restless." He smiled at me talking to him as well.

"That's fine. I was wondering if you'd want to do something different tomorrow,"

"Like what?" I asked walking to a bench away from the tables.

"We're going on a run tomorrow. Medical supplies." He explained. "If you're up to it, would you want to come with us?" We both sat down.

"Who's us?"

"Tim, Crowley, Martinez, Emily, Me, and a few others. If you don't want to go, don't feel pressured into it." He assured me. I was more than ready. This time I'd get to spread my wings without breaking probably a hundred rules.

"But I'll let them know if—"

"I'll go," I nodded. His eyes almost lit up.

"Really?"

"Yeah, I need something new."

"Great," he smiled. "So, what were you doing today, if you don't mind?" Shit, I needed to start lying already.

"Um, just a little tour around town. Got to see the pigs and chickens and gardens."

He narrowed his eyes at me. Maybe he'd detected the lie already. "Do you feel alright?" he asked, catching me off guard a bit.

"Yeah," I shook my head with a small smile. "I actually feel really good for a change." Yeah, good risking my life, because that's what I need to keep me going. "I feel alright." I restated more believably.

"I'm happy to hear that. You look so much better."

"I'm sleeping again."

"Sometimes that is the smallest accomplishment but the biggest victory."

I nodded at him then said, "Thanks for sticking with me for the last few weeks. I know I've been a pain in the ass; jumpy, silent, groggy, unhelpful, weak." I listed.

"Stop it," he said serious. "People can't always come back from what you did. And even if they do, they aren't the same. You've showed up every day for watch, gotten out of bed for god's sake." He didn't need to say it but I knew that he already saw me as strong, in an odd way.

"I wouldn't have, most likely, if it weren't for you. Thank you, Gregory." He opened up his mouth to say something but instead he rubbed my shoulder blade for a moment before standing up.

"I'll tell them you're in then." I nodded. "Alright, see you early tomorrow."

"Goodnight."

"Goodnight," he returned walking away then turned around to face and touched his eye. I gave him a puzzled face but he turned and kept walking. What did he know? What had he seen?

I shook it off and went to bed. I told Emily that I'd be going with her tomorrow. She didn't seem very excited and I wasn't sure why. I'd figure it out tomorrow, why Gregory and Emily knew something I didn't.