Chapter 36

We reached the big grassy area above Roscarrock Hill. James is really tired and is hardly walking on his own now but is letting me carry him. Louisa nods towards the bench.

"Give your shoulders a rest. You must be tired after carrying James around like that."

"It's…fine."

"Really, a bit of rest would be good for all of us. Maybe James can walk a bit again after some minutes. Don't you think, Jamie?"

James doesn't seem too enthusiastic about this. Now, that he has had his fun and has been running around enough, he doesn't really fancy any more walking. I can't blame him. I have the distinct feeling that tomorrow, I'll have blisters. I never was one for trekking.

To be honest, I just want to get back to my car and then off to Ruth's. I've had enough of this village for one day.

In the meantime, Louisa has sat down on the bench. I have no choice but to follow with James. James is sitting next to me, snuggling into me and probably dozing off. Louisa is on my other side and rests her head on my shoulder.

Absentmindedly I have started to play with her ponytail.

"Oh, I didn't realise." She purrs into my ear, her warm breath tickling my skin. "You do like that, don't you? Didn't you mention once that you missed my ponytail?"

"I...ehm..." I'm looking for the right words. "It suits you."

She backs away a bit and looks me dead in the eye. "It suits you." She mocks me. "I suppose that should be a compliment. Nice try. Thank you just the same."

"Louisa, I..." I can't finish, as she interrupts me.

"Yeah, I know." Then she kisses me full on the lips and snuggles close again.

We sit like that for quite some time and with the sun shining warmly and my family cuddled against me, I feel quite content.

I reflect on this day. It has turned out better than I had reason to hope for. My anxiety and Louisa's fury in the morning turned out better as soon as Louisa understood the purpose of this trip. Maybe I should have told her before we went here, but I honestly had no idea how I could have done so. At least I am quite content that I had judged Louisa's interests correctly.

Louisa sighs. I look at her at just the same time as she turns her head towards me. There is a hint of sadness in her eyes. Did I do anything wrong?

"Louisa?"

She pats my knee. "I am sorry, Martin. I've been wrong. So wrong."

"What? Why? No."

"This bench…this spot…you remember? Isobel?"

"Who?"

"You and names." Louisa sighs. "Sometimes I'm glad you remember my name. Isobel? My bridesmaid?"

"Ah." This promises to be unpleasant. I don't really remember that day fondly. Looking at Louisa, she seems to feel the same about it.

"You remember her?"

"Idiotically damaging her eye. Stubbornly refusing to wear an eye-patch. Irresponsibly travelling while heavily pregnant. Going into labour while she should be going into church. Choosing an even worse spot for giving birth than you did."

"Hm, well – she just didn't want to miss our wedding, that's all. It was really rather kind of her. And she just came up here to track me down– I needed some time to think."

"Ah. Uhum."

"Maybe I shouldn't have? Been thinking?"

"Ah, no. I mean, you've got to think things over. Especially as important as that. I mean…"

"You'd been thinking, too?"

"I, uhm...there was…"

"No, you don't have to tell me, if you don't want to. But I – I really have to apologise to you. Far too late. Sorry about that. I've been really unfair to you."

"I…"

"No, Martin, let me. You know why I didn't turn up at church?"

"Uhm…I…" I look at her sheepishly and want to run a mile, rather that than listen to what she would be saying next. I mean, we both came to the same conclusion. So why apologise for it?

"I…" Louisa bites her lip. "There had been…talk…" She starts hesitantly. "At my place. They were all there – Roger, Pauline, although I still don't know why she turned up, Isobel, then Mrs. Tishell popped by – and…they…talked."

Louisa looks away. "I suppose I made the mistake of listening. Listening to what they said."

She turns towards me again. "Said about you." She says gravely, as if it had been unusual that people talked ill about me.

"They always did. You should know."

"Uhm, yes, yes I did know. But Roger – he seems to like you – but even he. Then Isobel – she just had to take one look at you, and she knew we weren't suited. It was…it seemed that only I could imagine us…you know."

"Because I wanted to make her wear an eye-patch."

"Yes, sure…that was part of it. I tried to ignore them, I really did. One thing, however, I couldn't get out of my head."

I sit still and hold my breath. I need to know, but I don't want to hear. I wondered all these years what made her call the wedding off. I hardly could tell why I couldn't go through with it, but I had no idea what made her call it off. Well, except that she probably had come to her senses.

"It was stupid…I know now. However, when I try to clear my head, Isobel came, and then her daughter…and I saw you when she offered for you to be a godfather. And then I knew…well, I thought I knew. I mean…I know better now."

She is confusing me. I have no clue what she is talking about.

"What? I…"

"I haven't told you, have I? I still keep confusing you. Sorry. I…they joked…joked about…" She sighs and covers my hand, which was resting on my thigh. "…what a great father you'd be, all caring and warm and such…and then you didn't even want to be a godparent." She shakes her head.

"I never said that! You decided…" I protest.

"Yes, yes I know. I thought long and hard about it. Trying to find out if I'd misjudged you. When I was in London…in my bedsit…alone…and then knowing that James…."

I look at her sadly. I don't know what to do. I can't say that she'd been wrong. I realised that I was not good father material the moment Louisa stood on my doorstep six months pregnant.

"I just hoped that I had been wrong…but I didn't dare to tell you that I was pregnant…imagine the kind of relationship that was! I was pregnant and could tell everyone about it but the father! And I seemed to be proven right when I turned up in Portwenn."

"That isn't fair!" I have to protest. "I mean…I…was…"

"…stunned." Louisa finishes the sentence for me and I just breathe out. "I know…now. You make a marvellous father. As soon as you held him for the first time. And afterwards. I knew I'd been wrong."

She sighs again. "To imagine all the trouble we've been through just because I took that slander too seriously. When it was all too late too, as James was already on his way. And being completely wrong about it."

Louisa sighs and gets up. "You'd better wake James up. Let's get back."

To be continued…