The meteor approached Dave's apartment building as the boy climbed to the top of the spire to retreive the egg. He almost had it. The Cruxtruder's countdown was down to only seconds now. He was going to make it. He had to! Twenty seconds later, the meteor made impact.
John and Casey walked out onto the balcony, where the Alchemiter was, along with the rocket pack with a cinder block, flowerpot, and violin in it. GC pestered him again.
GC: JOHN S33 TH4T B1G P13C3 OF JUNK TH3R3
EB: the rocket pack?
GC: Y34H C4PTCH4LOGU3 TH4T 4ND S3ND M3 TH3 COD3
GC: 1 GOT TH3 COD3S FOR 4LL TH3 OTH3R 34RTH CR4P STUCK 1NS1D3 1T FROM YOUR FR13NDS
GC: FROM D1FF3R3NT T1M3S
GC: WH3N TH3Y W3R3 F33L1NG COOP3R4T1V3
GC: 1 C4N M4K3 1T WORK FOR YOU :]
EB: ok...
EB: but you can't just "subtract" object codes from other codes!
EB: it's like, mathematically, um...
EB: ambiguous.
EB: like just reverse AND/OR'ing the flower pot alone could make hundreds of possibilities.
EB: subtracting all three could be millions!
GC: Y34H W3LL 1M NOT S4Y1NG 1M 4NYWH3R3 N34R 4S HUG3 OF 4 DORK 4S YOU
GC: OR TH4T 1 UND3RST4ND 4NY OF TH4T
GC: COMPUT3R COD3S T4ST3 TO M3 L1K3
GC: LOTS OF T1NY N33DL3S 4ND B4TT3R13S
EB: wow, what?
GC: 1M G1V1NG 4LL TH3S3 COD3S TO OUR H4CK3R GUY
EB: oh man, you have a hacker?
EB: i bet he is THE BEST!
EB: hackers are always the best.
GC: H4H4H4H4H4
GC: W3LL H3 SUR3 TH1NKS H3 1S
EB: who is it?
EB: have i talked to him?
GC: NO H3 S4YS H3 DO3SNT W4NT TO T4LK TO 4NY OF YOU 3V3R
GC: B3C4US3 H3 H4T3S YOU
GC: BUT H3 W1LL DO TH1S
GC: B3C4US3 H3 WONT B3 4BL3 TO R3S1ST TH3 CH4LL3NG3
EB: uh, ok.
EB: brb then.
He captchalogued the rocket pack and looked at the back of it.
EB: ok here...
EB: dskjhsdk
GC: TH4NKS
GC: W41T
GC: THOS3 K1ND4 S33M L1K3 R4NDOM K3Y M4SH1NGS
GC: 4R3 YOU M3SS1NG W1TH M3 JOHN :?
EB: um, no.
EB: they sort of are random.
EB: but it's the right code, i promise!
GC: OH
GC: OK B3 B4CK IN L3SS TH4N ON3 S3COND
GC: PCHOOOOO
John waited and waited, but GC didn't pester him again.
EB: hello?
GC: WH4T
EB: it thought you said you'd be back in less than a second?
GC: 1 W4S
GC: 1 G4V3 YOU TH3 COD3
GC: 1TS PCHOOOOO
GC: 1T TOOK 4 WH1L3 FOR H1M TO F1GUR3 OUT
GC: BUT 1 G4V3 IT TO YOU 1NST4NTLY FROM YOUR P3RSP3CT1V3
GC: WHY WOULD 1 M4K3 YOU W41T?
GC: TH4T WOULD B3 SO 1NCONS1D3R4T3 :[
EB: oh...
EB: i just thought that was just you going off to get the code...
EB: and making like this rockety noise or something, i dunno.
EB: because you're kind of goofy.
GC: W3LL YOUR3 K1ND OF
GC: W3LCOM3
GC: YOU UNGR4T3FUL 34RTH HORS3S NO1SY BUTTHOL3!
EB: oh gosh, i'm sooooo sorry!
EB: this is just a stupid code, i'm sorry.
EB: are you sure it's right, it seems kind of...
EB: obvious.
GC: H3 W4S CONV1NC3D TH1S 1S TH3 R1GHT COD3 4ND H4D SOM3 UNFL4TT3R1NG TH1NGS TO S4Y 4BOUT TH3 1NT3LLIG3NC3 OF YOUR SP3C13S FOR NOT B31NG 4BL3 TO FIGUR3 1T OUT
GC: WH1CH 1 W1LL K33P TO MYS3LF B3C4US3 UNL1K3 YOU 1 4CTU4LLY H4V3 SOM3 FUCK1NG M4NN3RS
EB: bluuuh, oh man, i got so served, bluuuuuuuuuh!
GC: 1 4M UNF4Z3D BY YOUR HUM4N BLUHS
GC: 4NYW4Y 1F 1T W4S SO OBV1OUS WHY D1DNT YOU GU3SS TH3 COD3?
EB: well you see, the explanation is perfectly simple and scientific.
EB: it was because shut up.
EB: shut up is why.
GC: :D
EB: i guess i'll make this rocket now.
EB: and see if this dumbass code actually does the trick.
GC: OK JOHN
GC: ONC3 YOU M4K3 1T 1M SUR3 3V3N YOU 4ND YOUR UND3RD3V3LOP3D BON3 NOOK W1LL B3 4BL3 TO F1GUR3 OUT WH4T TO DO
GC: T4LK TO YOU ON TH3 OTH3R S1D3 :]
- gallowsCalibrator [GC] ceased trolling ectoBiologist [EB] -
John made the rocket pack, but before he flew up to the highest gate, he was pestered by Dave.
- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] -
TG: ok im in
EB: in where?
TG: the medium
EB: oh, already?
TG: what do you mean already shit took 4 goddamn hours
EB: huh, i guess time flew by while i was doing other stuff.
EB: how did it go?
EB: with you and jade i guess?
TG: i dont want to talk about it
TG: imagine the worst day of my life
TG: just stood up and clinked a glass like it was about to give a speech
TG: then took a shit in my dinner and passed out with its pants down
EB: ew dog! ewwww!
TG: yeah
EB: so nasty! gross dude!
TG: stfu
TG: what are you doing
EB: i'm in a rocket pack and i am about to blast off into space.
TG: ok
EB: it should be sweet.
TG: i need some advice
TG: my kernelsprite which was this brainless feathery asshole with a sword in it
TG: turned into this bigger like ghostly feathery asshole
TG: with a sword in it
TG: it seems to want me to prototype it again
TG: not sure what to do
EB: hmm...
EB: have you asked rose?
TG: shes asleep for some reason
EB: wow, really?
TG: yeah i saw her there
TG: all tuckered out
TG: like she got smacked in the face with a pillow case full of the snooze wizards beard dander
TG: cause obviously its fuckin prime time for swiping some shuteye about now
TG: like a few hours into her magic stupid quest
TG: anyway what do you think
EB: i don't really know, i mean...
EB: it's supposed to be like your ghostly spirit guide or something.
EB: unless you have the remains of a wise old dead grandparent lying around, i'm not sure what to tell you!
TG: ok fine but
TG: it seems to be suggesting something here
TG: and
TG: i guess im kinda weirded out by its suggestion
EB: i don't know, just do what it says!
EB: it knows stuff about the game, so it probably knows better than i do...
EB: i gotta go!
EB: gonna blast off to the seventh gate.
EB: and, uh, win this game i guess.
TG: ok well it definitely sounds like youre fucking something up over there
TG: but alright later
EB: later.
A bunch of imps stood around the Alchemiter, where John stood, ready to blast off. He took Casey into protective custody by captchaloguing her. This was absolutely no place for children. He blasted off. "PCHOOOOO!"
Dave had arrived on his planet in The Medium, the Land of Heat and Clockwork (LOHAC). All around him were half-built buildings with gears turning on them. Lava poured from all directions into the sea of it below.
A few hours into the future, Dave appeared on a gear on the lava, wearing a white suit with a bowtie and holding his broken sword, both with Dave's signature broken disc logo on them. He jumped from gear to gear on the lava, slashing amber imps (that had all previous characteristics of imps plus swords through their stomachs) into millions of pieces of grist. He used his time-shifting timetables to jump into the future. A couple of sulfur ogres appeared and Calsprite helped Future Dave kill them by shooting them with a laser. Within the laser were a bunch of puppets. Finally, he and Calsprite defeated the ogres and they turned into a bunch of grist, which Dave collected. He rewound time way into the past and a pair of basilisks appeared. He killed them, producing amber, sulfur, and build grist. He then flew into the far future and killed a ruby giclops, producing some ruby grist, which he collected.
Figuring he'd collected enough grist, Future Dave consulted Calsprite.
CALSPRITE: HAA HAA HEE HEE HOO HOO
DAVE: shut up
CALSPRITE: HOO HOO HAA HAA HEE HEE
CALSPRITE: HEE HEE HAA HAA HOO HOO
DAVE: no
DAVE: just
DAVE: god damn it
CALSPRITE: HEE HEE HEE HEE HAA HAA
CALSPRITE: HEE HEE HOO HOO HEE HEE
DAVE: please
DAVE: just once
DAVE: shut the hell up
CALSPRITE: HOO HOO HAA HEE HEE HOO
CALSPRITE: HOO HOO HEE HAA HEE HAA
CALSPRITE: HAA HAA HAA HAA HAA HAA
DAVE: shut up
CALSPRITE: HEE HEE HEE HAA HAA HAA
CALSPRITE: HOO HOO HOO HEE HEE HEE
DAVE: shut
CALSPRITE: HAA HAA HEE HEE HOO HOO
DAVE: the
CALSPRITE: HAA HAA HEE HEE HOO HOO
DAVE: fuck
CALSPRITE: HAA HAA HEE HEE HOO HOO
DAVE: up
CALSPRITE: HAA HAA HEE HEE HAA HOO
- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] -
TG: thats it i cant take it anymore
TG: it was such a huge mistake prototyping seppucrow with this useless mindnumbing jackass
TG: im going back
TT: Already?
TG: what do you mean already shit took 4 goddamn months
TG: or something
TG: i dont know im kind of losing track of how long its been with all this time hopping
TT: It just sounds like you're making a rash decision based on temporary aggravation with a laughing puppet.
TT: I thought we planned to progress as far as we could before you went back.
TT: To gather information, and avoid repeating mistakes.
TG: what else is there to know
TG: we lost
TG: cant finish the game with a dead heir and witch
TT: We don't know Jade is dead for sure.
TG: yeah well she had a big fucking meteor bearing down on her and we never heard from her again
TG: or the trolls for that matter
TG: after they tricked john into skipping way ahead and getting his ass handed to him by the denizen
TG: i guess once they managed to sabotage us they were done with us
TG: and since john died he couldnt get jade in on time so whether shes alive or not shes as good as dead from our perspective
TG: only thing left to do is change all that
TT: Are you sure you're ready?
TT: You'll remember the plan we discussed?
TG: theres not much to remember
TG: i go back and tell john not to be an idiot and get trolled like such a gullible stooge
TG: i dont know what he was thinking
TG: even we couldnt kill one of those things yet
TG: with our higher levels and all our sick gear
TT: It still seems hasty to me.
TT: Maybe I'm just not as comfortable with time travel as you.
TG: nah itll be fine dont worry
TT: After you go, what do you think will happen to me?
TT: Will I just cease to exist?
TG: i dont know
TG: i mean your whole timeline will
TG: maybe
TT: Maybe?
TT: Is there a chance it'll continue to exist, and I'll just be here alone forever?
TT: I'm not sure which outcome is more unsettling.
TG: the thing with time travel is
TG: you cant overthink it
TG: just roll with it and see what happens
TG: and above all try not to do anything retarded
TT: What do you think I should do?
TG: try going to sleep
TG: our dream selves kind of operate outside the normal time continuum i think
TG: so if part of you from this timelines going to persist thats probably the way to make it happen
TT: Ok.
TG: and hey you might even be able to help your past dream self wake up sooner without all that fuss you went through
TT: I think the true purpose of this game is to see how many qualifiers we can get to precede the word "self" and still understand what we're talking about.
TG: the true purpose is to make a sprite that doesnt make me want to flog myself raw with my own brain stem
TG: anything else is gravy
TT: If my past self can wake up sooner, maybe I'll be the one to visit you first this time.
TT: I'll fly by and remind you you're already awake and don't know it.
TG: yeah thatd be cool i guess
TG: im gonna go now
TT: Good luck.
Future Dave used his time-reversing time timetables to reverse time back to when he was standing on his roof with his bird sprite and a torn-up Lil' Cal on the ground.
Back in the past, John got ready to blast off from the Alchemiter, but Dave pestered him again.
TG: WAIT
EB: what?
TG: dont go yet
TG: somethings up
EB: ugh…
TG: ok its me from the future
EB: huh?
TG: its me
TG: i just appeared
TG: from the future
TG: wearing a rad suit
TG: he says dont go
TG: or youre gonna die
EB: pfffff.
EB: lame.
EB: what kind of gullible stooge do you think i am?
TG: he says i dunno gullible enough to trust a leetspeaking troll who wants you dead and strap on a rocket pack cause she said to
EB: this is like some terrible april fools prank.
EB: but 13 days too late.
EB: remember, you are talking to the pranking MASTER.
TG: ok that was probably the dumbest thing you ever said just now
EB: if future you is real, then why don't you let me talk to him.
TG: do you hear what youre saying oh my god
TG: this guy is me if i get him to talk to you youre just talking to me again jesus it proves nothing
EB: hold on, someone else is bugging me.
- turntechGodhead [TG]began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] -
TG: john stop being a tool and unbuckle yourself from that piece of shit
TG: if our friendship means anything youll listen to me and past dave
TG: this is future dave by the way
EB: hahaha!
EB: wow, you're really pulling out all the stops for this stunt!
EB: using your phone and computer at the same time to message me.
EB: you're kind of going through a lot of trouble actually, i don't know why you're bothering with this.
TG: yeah exactly why would i bother
TG: this sort of cornball horseshit is your cup of tea not mine
TG: dont make me track you down through time and stop you in person
EB: you can't track down through time WHAT YOU CAN'T CATCH!
EB: pchoooooo!
TG: oh god did you just blast off
EB: no...
EB: but that would have been sweet if i did just then.
TG: ok well just dont ok
TG: im turning this timeline over to past dave
TG: and helping you all stay alive and do this thing the right way this time
TG: just stay on the goddamn ground for fucks sake
EB: ok, i guess…
Future Dave put all his captchalogue cards on the ground and leaped backwards into the kernelsprite behind him.
DAVE: hey
DAVESPRITE: sup