Control & The Order

Hospital – Day 1 Recovery – Sam's Room – 8 am

Wordy walked into view and said "Allie, Uncle Sam just woke up. He can color later but not right now sweetie." He picked her up and settled her on his hip. "Besides, we have to go, your mom is waiting for us. I promised her we would be just a few minutes. Give Uncle Sam a hug goodbye." He leaned close so Allie could give Sam a sort of hug around the neck. Then he put her down on the floor. "Mom is right outside the door, go wait with her, I'll be right out."

Wordy and Sam watched as Allie waved goodbye then skipped happily from the room. Wordy turned back to Sam "I hope you don't mind. I had to bring her. She has been so worried and constantly begged to see you."

Sam picked up the pen and paper. 'What a nice way to wake up. Thank you for bringing her. Tell her I can't wait to color with her'. He smiled as he turned the paper to show Wordy what he wrote. Wordy saw the smile, they had replaced the mask with the nose cannula sometime during the night.

"I'll be back later. We just stopped by on our way to the movies. The theatre is playing a special double feature of Sleeping Beauty and Beauty and the Beast today only. Promised to take the girls. Oh and Jules just left, said she would be back later tonight. The General will be here later this morning. The rest of the guys will be in sometime in the afternoon, we didn't want to overwhelm you with visitors first thing this morning."

Sam nodded appreciating the thought and waved as Wordy left the room.

Alone in the room he laid his head back and took stock. He looked at his right arm. Stitches gone, new scar. He ran his hand gently above his right eye, gone too. He wondered how bad the scar was, if it was visible. He looked down at his chest and pulled the gown away to view the almost healed incision. Oh well what's one more scar at this point.

A funny thought struck him, he could star in a movie called Sleeping Beast. He was pretty messed up and Jules did kiss him just before he woke up. Still looking at the scars on his chest he noticed the bruising is almost gone. All things considered he felt fairly good but very weak.

He didn't like feeling weak and his damned breathing was still labored. My lungs must have been hit hard he thought. God he needed a shower and to brush his teeth. His mouth felt like cotton and tasted like old leather. He hit the call button.

He was more than surprised the nurse agreed to the shower but with some conditions. In the past he usually had to fight tooth and nail with nurses about it until Patch intervened or he simply ignored them and did it anyway or left AMA. Her condition was he was not allowed to shower unaccompanied.

An orderly had helped him walk to the shower and sit down on one of those stupid shower stools due to his weakened state. He was completely out of breath by the time he reached it and legs were like jelly. The orderly stood close by in case Sam faltered.

Which unfortunately he did, He nearly passed out when the water hit his face. When the world came back into focus the orderly was holding him upright in the shower. It was damned embarrassing but overall worth it to shower.

When he was finished brushing his teeth he was happy to see they had a pair of his sweat pants and one of his old loose t-shirt for him to wear instead of the hospital gown. Someone must have brought those for him. It felt better to be in his own clothes. He needed help to get the pants on.

But refused help with the shirt. He could get his own damned shirt on he thought fiercely. Getting the shirt on was painful and slow but at least his could raise his arms above his head without help and he was allowed to do it by himself. The soaked orderly just waited patiently for him to finish. He was surprised by this too.

This was a strange hospital. Usually they controlled everything forced him to do things their way on their time. By the time he was helped back into bed he was utterly exhausted and the pain level was back to needing meds but he was in a good mood.

As the orderly finished reattaching his oxygen from the portable tank to the wall outlet the nurse entered the room with small machine she attached to the rolling IV pole. "Good morning Sam. Dr. Markson ordered a self-administering medication pump for you."

She first reattached his IV line she had removed for his shower. Then she attached the pump line to the IV line. The nurse explained to him how to use it and how it was locked to certain dosages over a set period of time. She cautioned him to not let it go to long in between doses; he would get out of here faster if he kept the pain under control.

The nurse finished saying "So give it a try now, just push this button to release the dose. All that moving with your shower and dressing had to hurt. Also remember to let me know if it doesn't bring the pain to a manageable level. The doctor ordered the dosage set very low and frequent but if you need more I am authorized to give you a boost."

Sam pushed the button. He had never had one of these before. He felt more secure being in control of the meds. He relaxed a bit as the small amount of meds entered his system, just enough to take the edge off. He gave her a genuine smile and thumbs up as a form of thanks and closed his eyes needing to sleep.

Heather and Patch had been so right the nurse thought as she left the room. She recalled the hastily called meeting early this morning between the eigth floor nursing staff, Patch, the General, Heather, Dr. Markson and Dr. Fraser. Patch had insisted on some things that were way out of protocol.

Dr. Markson was resistant at first. Patch said that Blondie would do better, heal faster with some control and would be less likely to leave AMA if he wasn't fighting the system. The General firmly backed Patch's position and told them that Samuel was irrational when it came to hospitals so if they wanted him to stay and receive proper care they would follow his recommendations. Dr. Markson had finally agreed after Dr. Fraser explained Sam's condition when he left the ICU AMA the morning after the gang war call.

The main rule they needed to follow was to allow Sam as much control and freedom to move about as safely possible, do things at his pace and by himself. To find safe compromises if necessary in order to accommodate to his requests. To allow him to wear his own clothing and dictate what and when he ate among other things.

She smiled recalling that the pump had been her idea and Patch had hugged her when she suggested it. She told them about this morning and that she could tell he hated asking for pain meds and would wait until he could no longer manage it. With the pump he could manage his pain without having to appear weak to others by having to ask for them. She giggled when she remembered what Heather had said, that they were going to add that to the pain management section of the Proper Care and Feeding of Samtastic manual.

Hospital – Sam's Room – 11 am

Sam woke again knowing someone was in the room. He looked to the chair and his body automatically stiffened. He mentally chided himself and forced himself to relax. Would that ever stop? Probably not he realized. His dad was smiling at him. "Good to see you son" the General said as he rose and ambled towards the bed.

Sam smiled back at him. Hoping it wouldn't start a coughing fit Sam softly and carefully said between breaths "Good … to … see … you … dad."

The General leaned down and they wrapped arms around each other and hugged. Years of sorrow, mistrust, hurt and anger started to melt away as they held on. The General finally released him and pulled the chair close. Reconciliation and rebuilding started. It would be slow and missteps were highly likely given their stubborn natures and ingrained behaviors. But for now it was good.

The General did all of the talking. Sam responded with written words, hand signs and nods as they quietly discussed many things. The General shared all that had happened in the past weeks including what happened in the church after he was shot. How all his uncles and cousins had shown up and stayed watching and talking to him for weeks. That one surprised the hell out of Sam and explained why Scott was here. He went on to tell him how his cousins had forged some friendships with his SRU team members.

Looking at his watch and realizing a full hour had passed and Samuel was looking rather drained, eyes blinking closed more often the General ended with "So Corporal Merrill's court martial has been scheduled in six weeks. You don't have to attend but if you want to I'll make arrangements."

"Also your mother and I would like you to come home for a time once you are released from the hospital before you start rehab. Think on it, no need to answer now. You look like you could do with a rest. I'm going to grab something to eat while you get some shut eye. I'll be by later tonight." He leaned down and hugged Samuel again then left the room.

Sam was considering all the General had said as he dosed himself and closed his eyes. It would feel awkward being home. He hadn't spent more than one night there in the past seven years. That one night was the night he returned from Kandahar after Matt's death. The night he asked his dad to contact Commander Holleran to see if there was a place in the SRU for him.

His dad had not liked it one bit and they had argued long and loudly. The argument ended with the General yelling at him, telling him he should remain in the military where he could make a real difference and Sam storming to his room. It had angered Sam so much he left early the next morning without talking to his father. But his dad had made the call, thank god he made that call he thought as he slipped off to sleep.

Hospital – Sam's Room – 3 pm

Sam woke needing to use the facilities badly. He was alone thank goodness. He sat up and swung his legs off the bed. He removed the oxygen and pushed himself to a standing position. He grabbed the rolling pole for support and because it had to go with him and slowly started toward the bathroom. He had finished and was making his way slowly back.

He was dizzy from lack of air, sweat beading on his forehead from exertion and legs so shaky. He made it two steps past the doorway of the bathroom before his legs started to give way. He was so spent not enough energy to make it to the bed. Before he hit the ground strong arms caught him.

Sam looked up through fuzzy eyes and saw Ed and Scott on either side of him. They helped him back to bed and got him situated putting the oxygen back on. Neither one said a single word and did not berate him for being an idiot for doing it without assistance.

He avoided looking at them. He was embarrassed, he hurt, he was pissed and he hated feeling so weak. Fortunately he didn't have to show further weakness. Sam reached for the button under his covers and undetected dosed himself. The small amount of control that offered soothed his frayed nerves.

Ed and Scott both read Sam's body language as they helped put him back into bed. They knew he was beating himself up over needing help for such a short distance. They thought, give yourself a break kid, you've been out for nearly three weeks. What did you expect? But they remained silent to allow him time to collect his thoughts.

After a time Scott piped up trying to lighten Sam's mood "Hey twin, you're not gonna believe how stupid I was." He then animatedly told what happened with Jules in the ICU waiting room. Scott was happy Sam laughed with him and Ed but was a bit concerned when a small coughing fit ensued. Sam seemed to handle it okay. It must not hurt too bad he thought.

Thank god he had dosed himself Sam thought, laughing and coughing fucking hurt.

Scott continued "Jules a spitfire Sam. I really like her. Gonna take an exceptional guy to win her over. No one ordinary will do for her. By the way, never got to tell you. I married Laura. She's on her way here. I wanted her to finally meet you now that she is safely married to me. Wonder if she is gonna freak as much as Jules did when she sees my doppelganger."

Ed chimed in "Just hope she doesn't wish she had married the younger better version." Sam shook his head at the comment.

"Why do ya think I just said she gets to meet him now that she is safely married to me? I may be stupid but I'm not that stupid" Scott quickly rejoined but only he and Ed laughed.

Ed noticed Sam had a tight look and did not laugh. Then he remembered what the doctor had said about making him laugh, as bad as talking. So he launched into a simple, dry story about Clark and the song he was teaching himself. A little later Scott excused himself to head to the airport to pick up his wife.

When it was just the two of them Ed said "You doing okay? Looks like it hurts and you are having trouble breathing. Anything you need Samo?"

Sam wrote 'ok, no'.

With a cheshire cat grin Ed said "Good thing you said ok. I know what fine means now. We're gonna have to talk if you tell me you are fine."

Sam stared at him, Who told? He was gonna kill them. Damn no hiding now.

Ed was watching his reaction "You can blame Winds. But really you can be honest with me too. I understand what it is like. We all do. Maybe not to the extent you do. But you can't tell me that each one is tough regardless of how many. I know. It costs us each time. I will be here if you ever need to talk. About anything. Understand?"

Sam was still somewhat unsure but nodded yes.

Just then Sarge, Wordy, Lou and Spike loudly entered the room dragging chairs with them. Lou and Spike arguing over some TV show characters. Lou thought the love relationship between the two characters was contrived and had no place in the show. While Spike thought it fit perfectly and wanted to see more of it. They agreed to disagree, liking the show overall. They all settled into the chairs and said hello to Sam.

The guys talked sports and general topics for a long time. Sam only listened. He was enjoying the bit of normalcy hanging out with the guys. Well as normal as he could get hanging out in a hospital. He just wished it was easier to breath. It was taking a lot of physical effort to move air in and out and was wearing him out.

Then the guys started discussing some of the calls they had recently. Sam started growing agitated the more they talked about work. Greg saw the change in Sam and deftly steered the conversation back to non-work topics. He wondered what was at the root of that of his agitation.

Dr. Markson showed up around four-thirty and kicked everyone out while he examined Sam. Looking at the output report from the pump he said "So I'm glad to see you are using the pain meds. Is the dosage sufficient to cover your pain?"

Sam answered honestly nodding yes and wrote 'manageable'.

"Based on your most recent scans, I will be sending in a pulmonologist tomorrow. You have some real work ahead of you. It's going to be painful and exhausting work. So keep up on the meds and it will go easier. If it gets too much and you need either a boost or dosage upped I expect you to tell me. Understood?"

Another nod yes but he thought, why do I need a lung doctor? I know it's not good but is it really that bad?

"Based on the pulmonologist's findings tomorrow we will put together a plan to determine when you can get out of here. It really depends on how quickly we can wean you from the oxygen. It should be okay to talk now, but take it slow. A little coughing is actually good for your lungs but not coughing like yesterday. According to Patch you know your limits, I'm asking you to stay within them to speed your recovery. Do you have any questions for me?" Dr. Markson concluded.

Only one thing mattered to Sam at the moment, the source of his agitation when the guys were discussing work. His one fear. He slowly, one word at a time between breaths he got out "Will .. they … heal … enough … can … I … get … back … to … work?"

Dr. Markson faced him squarely and replied "Truthfully, I'm inclined to tell someone in your condition to prepare to have to change careers. I do not know if your lungs will ever recover enough to maintain the stamina you need for your job. I'm sorry I can't offer you assurances or the words you want to hear. I will help you as best I can but reality is tough to change and the scans show significant damage. Only time will tell."

Sam was floored. He knew it was bad. He just didn't think it was this bad. Sam grabbed the pen and paper from the tabled and quickly wrote then showed it to the doctor.

"Are you sure?" Dr. Markson asked.

Sam nodded emphatically yes.

Seeing his face pale Markson asked "Are you okay?"

With no emotion, in shock, on autopilot to cover his real feelings Sam spoke "Fine."

Feeling bad he had to be so blunt with this young officer Dr. Markson turned and quickly left the room closing the door behind him.

Hospital – Outside Sam's Room – 5 pm

Dr. Markson addressed the group "Sam has requested no visitors at all and you will honor his wishes."

Stunned faces stared at the doctor.

Hospital – Inside Sam's Room – 5 pm

Sam pressed the button again. He rolled to his side and curled into a tight ball his arms around his knees holding them to his chest. It hurt his ribs like hell in that position but he just didn't care anymore. Hot tears silently rolled from his eyes.

Why did bad shit always happen to him? Was he such a bad person that he deserved it? He had killed so many. Maybe he did deserve it. Why does everything he loves get taken away? He couldn't live like this.

Hospital – Outside Sam's Room – 5:01 pm

"Why the hell doesn't he want visitors?" Ed shouted.

"Lower your voice, there are other patients. I had some hard news for him to take" and he told them what he had said to Sam. "I'm sure he just needs time alone to come to terms with it."

The guys were dumbstruck to hear the prognosis and more than a little worried Sam wanted to be alone.

Looking at the faces wanting to reassure them the doctor said "Just give him time alone. It's tough news but he said he is fine."

Ed, Wordy and Greg picked up the word.

Greg asked "Is fine your word or did Sam actually say he was fine?" nervous to know the answer. Spike and Lou confused by Greg's question. But if he asked the answer must be important.

"He said fine ..."

The doctor did not get to finish as Ed stormed passed him into Sam's room closely followed by Greg, Wordy and a confused Spike and Lou.

Hospital – Inside Sam's Room – 5:02 pm

"Braddock you are going to be OKAY. And then you will move to GOOD. That's an ORDER! Do you hear me?" Ed bellowed so loudly it reverberated in the small room.