Chapter 34
The 150 year old oak spread its gnarled craggy limbs over her covered by irregular tufts of leaves, and protected her while she cried. She came back to consciousness as an inky black squirrel scolded her from its heights as if to warn her about something (probably Will Darcy). LizE peeled her body from its shape and turned to lean back on the wide trunk of the scrub oak.
She pulled up all the recent comms from Juno since she had left at the beginning of the year as a way of further creating resentment against Darcy. In all of them, Juno had no actual complaint that was never her way. Juno never revived past grievances or discussed current issues or problems in her life, but in the way she wrote and between the lines of the comms, Juno was not herself. Her personality was clouded and hooded. For all that she professed to be focusing on work she discussed it with little spirit. And there nothing else of interest mentioned in her comms. Not Aunt Meg or Uncle Ezra, or the cousins, Craig, Julia or B.C., not even little Snow were mentioned, before this, so often doted on. Juno had lost her spark for life and LizE burst out in another round of tears at thoughts of how much Juno continued to be effected by Will Darcy's interference.
The tears stopped and she thought again on the details that Ned had shared. LizE's heartache turned to anger as she thought of Darcy congratulating himself about his saving Chaz from the cold and aloof Juno, (his boast to Ned), and the consequence of that: the hollow shell that Juno was today. LizE was pleased Darcy was leaving the next day and that she would see Juno in less than a week.
She did think with sadness of saying goodbye to Ned especially in light of his recent revelations. LizE hoped that he and his girlfriend could sort things out. The situation he had so sparsely painted did not sound easy or that there would ever be any eventual fix to it. She was also wistful to be leaving Anne whose company she had enjoyed, a quiet companion during what could be noisy gatherings at Rosings. LizE could not understand what was going on between her and Darcy but tried to think of Charlotte and be comfortable with her friends making their own choices in the world.
She was leaning hard against the old tree giving over days, weeks, and months of frustration when she heard her name called and she slumped forward, her body peeling itself off of the dark, rough bark. LizE straightened herself and stood ramrod straight her hands clenched in fists as he approached her with questions about her intention to skip the Muir Woods trip and wishing for her to change her mind. She answered coldly that "work intruded."
She was a little elevated, standing on an exposed root. Darcy was on a slope below and for once they were about at eye level. Austen stood at his side, Darcy holding the horse's reigns in a tightly closed fist. They remained like that, in silence, and then he turned to go and paced about ten meters away, Austen patiently following him before he turned back and approached her again.
"I…I love you," he said. "I have to tell you how much, how deeply, I love you."
LizE's posture softened. She fell back against the tree, glad it was there to catch her, could feel the rough bark against her palms as they splayed out. She stared out at some distant point beyond Darcy without being able to say anything. Darcy took that as encouragement and spoke of his feelings for her, of his love for her from almost the very beginnings of his days in Meryton and of their meeting at the Netherfield Institute. He mentioned other concerns besides his very tender feelings for her. It had taken him a long time to say anything because he had been very aware that they came from different worlds: she from science, he from business which had little overlap. He also had to be careful, in his important role as Chairman and CEO of Darcy Rail, to be wary of gold-diggers who came in many disguises. He made no bones about coming from a background of wealth and privilege, that his lifestyle was very different to hers, from her firmly working middle class one. LizE held onto her tree taking in all Darcy had to say. She could only scan his face in astonishment as he spoke, her hands and back to her tree and the only real thing to her.
At first there was a flutter of something at someone loving her, at being so valued, so treasured that a man would stand before her and talk about how cherished and loved she was. She may be loved by her distant father and loved by her over-bearing, interfering mother but she was both loved and valued by her sister Juno. It was a fine distinction, but was why she cared for her sister so much.
She realized that was what had been lacking with George, and then suddenly she was angry. Angry with Darcy because of George Wickham but angry because Darcy was not really valuing her for herself "warts and all: if he did truly love her he would not have been compelled to reiterate all her faults and discuss his hesitations and concerns. Darkness inside her made chest tight, her throat constrict, and she narrowed her eyes as she watched him.
Darcy concluded his speech by saying his feelings were too strong to be hidden any longer and she watched him with her veiled eyes kneel awkwardly (with Austen's reigns held loosely in his hand) to ask "Elizabeth Frances Ben will you marry me."
She felt stiff and could somehow see the two of them (threesome if Austen was to be accounted for) as if she was having an out-of-body experience. She ran a hand on the rough bark supporting her trying to awaken something inside her and rekindle a flame of herself. For the first time she could truly see the man of business in the William Darcy before her as he had deftly and methodically outlined all his points. Gone was any of the sweetness of their previous encounters from the week before. LizE wondered if this was like a business deal to him; some venture that needed closing, a persuasive speech, a few smiles and a handshake to close and the deal was done. Was she to be some ornamental business wife? It was truly the CEO of Darcy Rail before her, confident, even swaggering (in his manner, not his body as he was currently on one knee). He seemed secure in the outcome of this current business venture. It exasperated her further which seemed to be the spark she needed to dispel the darkness and allow her to finally move. She pushed herself up from the tree trunk as her cheeks flushed.
"One thing I have learned about business ventures, courtesy of Charles A. Bingley, is to pay attention to the T&Cs—terms and conditions. I am afraid I cannot even thank you for the offer as I fear the T&Cs would be too harsh. I do not mean to cause you any pain and hope you get over it quickly but I must refuse. All those hesitant feelings you mentioned should help you get over this whole affair in a short period of time."
Will Darcy, in his vulnerable position at her feet, went pale with surprise, then resentment and then his face became completely unreadable and he turned away from her, ostensibly to look down as he put his hands out to push himself back up. They were dark minutes before he spoke.
"This, this is all you will say to me? Why such an answer Ms. Ben? Why such a rejection?"
"Why such an offer Mr. Darcy? Why? What sort of man proposes to a woman by insulting her? You tell me? You chose to tell me your love for me goes against your nature. You said that you struggled with your will and reason long and hard before saying anything to me. But I have my reasons, you know I do. How could I ever love a man who has ruined the happiness and caused such despair in my sister?"
A flicker of emotion changed the color of his cheeks but Austen stomped his back feet. Darcy did not interrupt.
"I have every reason to hate you. No motive can excuse the misery you have brought upon Juno, the tears she has shed, the gossip she has had to endure while the neighborhood laughed at the folly of falling in love, hard, for the first time with a transient, perhaps unstable or perhaps just a whimsical man."
Austen snorted just then but Darcy appeared to have not heard a word or be concerned by her speech. His face, his stiff shoulders, his gaze, were all directed at her yet without catching her eyes it all spoke to his skepticism.
"Do you deny it?" she almost screamed.
He looked down at the hand holding the reigns as if his fingernails suddenly needed attention. "No, I will not deny that I did everything I could to separate Chaz and your sister. Towards him I have been kinder than towards myself."
She stared at man and horse but he did not look up. "I have other reasons for my dislike. Your character was revealed to me by George Wickham many months ago. What can you say about that? How can you possibly defend yourself from such cruelty towards him?"
"You are rather wrapped up in that man's affairs," said Darcy shuffling his feet.
"Knowing all the hardships and misfortunes he has suffered in life how can I help but be interested in his affairs!" She threw her arms in the air.
"His misfortunes!" Darcy looked up at her intently with a sneer on his lips. "His great misfortunes…"
"And of your infliction!" she took a step towards him. "You have struck him down in life, stripped him of his birthright, and reduced him to his current unhappy state in life so he can only make a living by putting his own life on the line. In my book you have deprived him of money, his birthright, and his station in life, but even more, you have stripped away his very nature as I am sure all that he has suffered has surely changed him, made him a sad, morose man where he was once far happier. Yet you only seem to have contempt for all this!"
"Is this really how you think of me? My faults are rather serious," and he closed the gap between them. "But perhaps you might have thought differently, you might feel differently about my proposal if I had presented it in a different manner. If I had not been so honest. But I pride myself on my honest scruples to never disguise my inclinations of reason or of reflection. I am not ashamed of what I felt; they are reasonable and just feelings."
LizE took in a deep breath. She made sure to capture his gaze, even if she had to look up at him. "Mr. Darcy, my mother, Frances Ben (you know, from my class of life, that working middle class) is always insistent we use good manners. Now manners aren't how you hold a tea cup or curtsey to a King; it's how you treat people as you want to be treated. Golden Rules sort of stuff. Anyways, Fancy often said that people who insist on being brutally honest often just want to be brutal. They have a piece to say and don't care if they hurt others in the process. They justify the wounds they inflict by labeling it honesty." She saw him start at this. "From the beginning of our acquaintance your behavior has struck me as that of an unfeeling man without regard to others, conceited, proud, arrogant and the last man on earth I would ever marry."
Austen stomped his back feet again and pulled hard, Darcy was pulled a step away. "You have said enough, Ms. Ben. I understand you and am ashamed now of my own feelings. I will wish you good day." He made a small bow with his head and was mounted on Austen's back in a flash and riding hard, both man and mount eager to be galloping from the shelter of the contorted, old, oak tree, and from LizE's presence.
She watched them go until assured that he would not return before her knees sank on a patch of grass and she cried, weeping bitterly. Finally she pushed herself back up to lean against the tree in an attempt to temper her astonishment. Will Darcy had been in love with her!
LizE could only feel as if her brain was in a fog; she could not shake out of a state of unreality. That Will Darcy had loved her for so long; that he had chosen to declare himself by asking her to marry him. All this in light of her knowledge that he had separated Chaz and Juno and in light of all the objections he had detailed in his proposal. They had bantered about fairy tales all week and she still felt lost in one, only she also thought of those original Grimm stories: some of those had rather gory, morbid endings. The scullery maid did not always end up with a happy ending.
The shadows lengthened and she was loath to go fetch her pack from her camp and return to the parsonage. She was not sure how long the expedition to Muir Woods was supposed to last and could only hope it was especially long since it was purportedly Darcy and Ned's last special event with their Aunt Catherine. She thought to stay out late until she recalled Charlotte sending Darcy for her just the day before and in an effort to prevent that and any awkward explanations she made her way home. Fergus was happy to have her and they dined together on sandwiches in Charlotte's parlor until she heard the Collinses return and she ran to her bedroom to avoid the married couple.
A/N: I am off on a week's vacation, so no more posting until mid-August.